How to Survive Ivies (in 15 easy steps!)

By HUGO HENTOFF April 28, 2016

  1. Drink responsibly (no ethanol, kids!)
  2. Remember Jeremy, that kid who stabbed all those people last year? Avoid Jeremy.
  3. Try not to run into ISIS, but if you do, try not to be a journalist. Or white.
  4. If you’re planning on open mouth kissing one of the real housewives of Orange County, make sure it’s not Debra. Debra’s a handful. Fuck you, Debra.
  5. Don’t simultaneously have adult onset diabetes and a heart murmur.
  6. Leave the anthrax at home!

                                    Illustrated by Blanche Froelich 
  7. Avoid trampolines.
  8. Now is not the time to get drunk and fly a helicopter for the first time, Tyler.
  9. The sinkhole near route six is still there, and it’s growing. Avoid route six.
  10. When you’re dressed in your hyper-realistic deer costume, hunters may mistake you for an actual deer and stab you. Remember to yell, “I am not an actual deer! I am just a sad man in a hyper realistic deer suit!” every 15-20 seconds to ensure you don’t get stabbed by hunters.
  11. Don’t get poisoned.
  12. Don’t get shot.
  13. Don’t get poisoned and then shot.
  14. Don’t get poisoned and then shot and then set on fire and die in a literal blaze of glory.
  15. Never leave th— oh, shit, it’s Jeremy. Don’t look him in the eyes; he hates that. Just walk away quickly, but make sure you don’t look like you’re running from him. He loves the chase.

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