By HUGO HENTOFF Nov. 3, 2016

Local teen Tyler Silver has saved up enough money to purchase a pre-owned Honda Odyssey. The minivan is reportedly a total fuck wagon.

“Honestly, I can’t think of Tyler’s car without getting wet,” said Martha Farley, Silver’s calculus teacher. “Last week I saw him parallel park that thing. The car was so big and that space was so God damn tight. It was like I was hiding Niagara Falls in my panties.”

“It’s not always easy driving a car that’s such a bone machine,” said Silver. “Every once in a while I’d like to just cruise into the Trader Joe’s parking lot without girls shoving their breasts against my windshield. It’s hard to balance friends, homework, and the unending onslaught of pussy that is the inevitable consequence of driving a 2005 Honda Odyssey”

Honda CEO Takahiro Hachigo regrets not warning customers of the overwhelming sexual magnetism of the Odyssey. “We could not have foreseen the sheer sexiness of this car. Individually, of course, the automatic sliding doors are erotic, the built in DVD player is hot, and the ample leg room would get anyone worked up, but by combining all of these amazing features into one fuel efficient minivan, we’ve created a vehicle that taps into something primal, something that, frankly, can’t be controlled.”