Bowdoin Orient Releases List of Hottest Faculty Children

By HUGO HENTOFF Nov. 12, 2016

The Bowdoin Orient has released their annual ranking of the most attractive faculty children. The list, which has been published every year since the founding of The Orient in 1871, has been the subject of some controversy around campus.

“It is disgusting that they would rank our children like that,” said an unnamed faculty member. “I have an eight-year-old daughter who wasn’t even close to the top ten, but I know that she’s hotter than Kelly Mathis, the ferret-faced bitch who was somehow number seven. The ranking system is clearly rigged.”

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Is there a greater honor for a child than to be reduced to and subsequently judged on his or her physical appearance?

An unbiased committee of professors, students, Brunswick residents, and custodians judge the children based on a myriad of traits that include but are not limited to facial symmetry, blondness, lusciousness of lips, buttocks shape, and the indefinable star quality that makes a faculty child “hot.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Image Source: http://www.tlc.com/tv-shows/toddlers-tiaras/photos/

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