Honey, I Shrunk a Bunch of Stuff Way Worse Than the Kids

By PAUL GARLICK and HUGO HENTOFF Nov. 30, 2016

I just finished watching that Honey, I Shrunk The Kids movie, and it sucked. That guy didn’t have to tell his wife jack shit. I’ve shrunk loads of things way worse than some bratty teens. Those directors should’ve made a movie about me. It could’ve been a real gritty documentary that would keep the audience on the edge of their seats. Here are just a few of the movies they could have made about me. Ooh, or maybe it could be an HBO miniseries?

 

  • Honey, I shrunk our entire life savings by investing in a Ponzi Scheme

  • Honey, I shrunk an extremely poisonous tarantula and eight guns so I may have created an undetectable killing machine

  • Honey, I shrunk an entire orphanage but it’s okay, no one will notice

  • Honey, I shrunk this shirt, I’m not getting fatter, you are, fuck off, ugh

  • Honey, I shrunk a giraffe, and it was really cute, but I think I stepped on it, and now I’m not in the mood to sleep with you

  • Honey, I shrunk another orphanage and I think people are catching on

  • Honey, I didn’t shrink my penis, it’s just cold in here, sorry I’m not Barry

  • Honey, I shrunk all the pens in the house so you can’t make me sign those divorce papers

  • Honey, I shrunk Barry’s penis so now I’m all you have

  • Honey, I shrunk myself after you left and I’m going to marry an orphan
  • Honey, the orphans don’t like that I shrunk them and toothpicks are much more threatening now…please buy me a regular sized coffin, closed casket.

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