By JACOB BASKES and HUGO HENTOFF FEB. 13, 2017
Due to a major snowstorm expected to hit Brunswick later today, Bowdoin College will be closing forever.
In an email sent to the student body Sunday evening, Dean of Student Affairs Tim Foster expressed his fear that, “The four miles of snow expected to fall in the night will simply prove to be too much for any of us to handle,” and that the College, its employees, and its students will be “buried forever in an icy tomb.”
The National Weather Service had predicted 18-24 inches of snowfall for Sunday night, but was unable to detect the Monday night storm that is expected to produce 253438-253444 inches of snow.
700mph winds, temperatures of -200°F, and pacts of murderous arctic wolves are forecasted to hit the Brunswick area around mid afternoon.
Local Meteorologist Keith Carson commented, “You and your loved ones will die in frozen agony.”