Campus Low on Toilet Paper, Orders More Orient Op-Eds on Identity

By HUGO HENTOFF Mar. 7, 2017

Bowdoin College is experiencing a dire shortage of toilet paper across campus. In response, demand for Orient op-eds about identity has skyrocketed.

The Office of Student Affairs, which has been without toilet paper for three days now, released a statement yesterday urging students to pen more op-eds: “We would like to encourage everyone across campus to look within themselves and, regardless of the originality or literary merit of what they find, write about it in the Orient. Does your sexual identity somehow affect your dining hall choice? Are you from the Midwest and still can’t get used to racial equality? Maybe you’re an athlete and you broke your foot or something, so now you can’t play sports for a while? Don’t think about it too much, and definitely don’t waste time proofreading; just send it to the Orient and they will, without a doubt, publish it. Bowdoin needs to hear what its like being you!”

Campus Low on Toilet Paper
                                        Illustration by Arah Kang

Clayton Rose, worried that students will not be able to produce the needed amount of self-satisfied content, has personally asked the Globalist to return to print publishing to help accommodate the campus’s wiping needs.

Both Thorne and Moulton are reportedly planning country style, comfort food menus for the next two dinners, making the situation even more urgent.

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