By HUGO HENTOFF Sep. 25, 2017
Anthropologists convened in London this week for the annual Anthropological Society Symposium. At one of the various conferences, a committee of modern, historical, and pre-historical anthropologists took a near unanimous vote declaring the Stoned Age the least productive, most chill epoch of human history.
“The Stoned Age is a historic period that lasted anywhere from 10 to 500,000 years,” said Todd Fairfield, a member of the society. “We’re still pretty foggy on how much time actually passed, but we do know that humans who lived during the Stoned Age accomplished very little. There exists no evidence of any sort of widespread innovation or ambition. Had they not been such ravenous people, they likely wouldn’t have even bothered hunting, although they most definitely would have gone on gathering. Humans of that era loved their leafy greens.”
Anthropologists studying the Stoned Age have unearthed various artifacts that give a sense of what life was like for these early humans. Ancient drug rugs, Cheeto bags, and Bob Marley posters suggest that our perpetually relaxed ancestors worshipped, in some form, the ganja.
While in other stages of human history fire was used primarily for cooking, it seems that hominids in the Stoned Age utilized fire exclusively for smoking fat blunts. No samples of these blunts were brought to the symposium, so anthropologists were forced to roll their own.
The Symposium will remain in London until the end of the week, but researchers expect to feel the effects for some time after.