Opinion: I Could Beat the Shit out of the Old People Doing Tai Chi on the Quad

By Jonathan Lerdau

The elderly of Brunswick have lived in comfort for too long, have used our space for their meditation practices for far too long. Someone has to step up and be the change, and I’m not afraid to commit assault(in a really cool-looking way) to do so. And I feel confident I could pull it off, too. The average age of the group is like 85, and they can barely walk, let alone stand up to me in a one-on-one, no holds barred cage match. Tai Chi is meant for relaxation and centering oneself, not brutal hand-to-hand combat with someone younger and fitter than them and willing to fight extremely dirty if I have to(I Will bring a knife). Maybe if you got them to all gather up around me and it was one of the days where they had staff, maybe then they’d have a chance. Otherwise I’m going Sophomore-on-Randy-Nichols on their asses. Check it out, I’ll even give a play-by-play of how it would go down.

First off I’d walk up to them saying “Yeah you old fucks, what the fuck is up? You’re not so tough with that slow-motion shit!” I’d probably have to say this a few times though, because of the whole old thing. Then, when their age-fogged minds finally figure out what I’m saying one of them would probably say something really offensive but utterly unrelated to my previous comment, and then we would square up and prepare for warfare.

They’d be trying their stupid fucking breathing exercises and BAM, roundhouse kick to the throat. They’re on the ground; 1…2…3… It’s over!. Easy as that. 

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