By Henry Stack and Matt Stein

In America you can make something out of nothing. People all over the country wake up each morning and work hard and feed kids. They work hard and they succeed. Anyone can be anything in America. This is what James Goldman ‘27 and William Sachs ‘25 learned this summer working at Goldman Sachs. 

Goldman and Sachs both applied with low expectations. Although qualified candidates, they knew that interning at Goldman Sachs was extremely competitive. Sachs told The Harpoon they feared that they would be beat out by “some fucking diversity hire.” Fortunately for Goldman and Sachs, Goldman Sachs saw these young candidates’ value. They were hard working young American boys trying to make a name for themselves in the cutthroat finance industry. With not but a zyn in their pocket, these two young American boys stepped off the jet  from Greenich to NYC and hopped in an Uber Black to their humble summer lodging in Hudson Yards.

Goldman and Sachs arrived at Goldman Sachs expecting to sit in a small cubicle and spend all summer “doing degrading menial intern shit like all those pathetic state school kids.” Surprisingly, Goldman and Sachs managed to claw their way up to the very highest ranks of Goldman Sachs leadership before the third week of June. Every manager and every boss was unbelievably pleased with these young raw American boys’ performances. When asked about the experience as a whole, Goldman said “I’m just glad I didn’t have to suck more than twelve dicks!”