by JACOB BASKES December, 2019
Every fall, members of the World Health Organization’s Global Influenza Surveillance and Response System analyze millions of data points to make a best guess as to what the upcoming winter’s flu strain will be. According to the team’s publicly available statistics, it is wrong an encouraging 84% of the time. In response to the process’ uncertainty, Bowdoin Senior and vaccine aficionado Lianna Hernandez opted to get not one, not five, but nine different flu shots.
Bowdoin Health Services began offering flu vaccinations in October, opening its office to students twice per month for one day of free flu shots. Hernandez attended each one, but “it simply wasn’t often enough,” she said.
“I loved the rush, and I needed to feel absolutely invincible. You never know which strain of flu will be big this year. German bug flu? Check. Bolivian hammer flu? I’m on it.” She cycled through the Midcoast Hospital, the Midcoast Walk-in Clinic, and the Thornton Oaks Retirement Community until she had received a total of nine vaccinations. “I feel great,” she said. “I think.”
The immunity has not come without its downsides. Since Hernandez began her vaccination spree, she has grown three extra toes and lost the ability to blink. As a consequence, she has also developed a persistent case of pink eye and has been consistently leaving class to dunk her head in a bucket of warm water that, thankfully, her professors have allowed her to keep outside in the hallway.
By JACOB BASKES and SAM HALPERT Mar. 18, 2020
Since last Wednesday’s announcement that the College would be closing its campus and transitioning to a virtual learning model among fears of COVID-19 transmission, students have been receiving daily reminders to pack their rooms and depart as soon as possible. “Students who are on campus without permission after 5:00 pm will be subject to disciplinary action,” wrote Dean of Student Affairs Janet Lohmann in her final campus-wide email on Wednesday morning. “Also, I have seen your memes and find them kind of mean but also flattering, therefore I will be permanently adopting the nickname, ‘JLo.’”
Continue reading “Rose Enforces 5 PM Deadline: Patrols Campus on Horseback, Shoots Remaining Students on Sight”
by JACOB BASKES Mar. 3, 2020
Today is Super Tuesday—the one day during election season in which 14 states head to the polls. In order to encourage campus participation in the Democratic primaries, vans have been leaving campus every thirty seconds to take students to their local polling place. The high number of vans, however, along with the fact that a majority of drivers are from California, have led to a seventeen-van pileup in downtown Brunswick.
Continue reading “Vans Headed to Polls Create Major Pileup on Maine Street”
by JACOB BASKES Nov. 13, 2019
In an email sent on Tuesday evening, Head of Bowdoin Safety
and Security Randy Nichols warned that roads around campus had become dangerous
as a result of the previous day’s freezing rain. Seventeen minutes later,
Nichols sent out a follow-up email announcing that he had run over a sophomore
boy crossing the street outside of MacMillan house.
Continue reading “Black Ice: Randy Nichols Mows Down Sophomore Crossing Maine Street”
By JONAS KRISTENSSON Oct. 1, 2019
At the Convocation of the Class of 2023, President Clayton Rose announced a school affiliation that was previously only known to him, the College’s Treasurer, and the bearded lumberjack running the Scientology Center on Lincoln Street.
By JACK SHANE Sep. 18, 2019
Inspired by the United Kingdom’s tumultuous withdrawal from the European Union, the students of Stowe Inn have decided they’ve had enough. In a recent press release, a quorum of students living in the already geographically isolated Stowe Inn have proposed a so called “Stexit,” which would end their current economic relationship with Bowdoin College.
Continue reading “Stowe Inn Brings Forth Proposal for “Stexit””
by DAN RALSTON Sep. 13, 2019
Sophomore Ralph Deeps was feeling pretty good upon returning to campus after leading the Saddleback F BOC O-Trip. He was relishing in the superiority he felt over the eight first years on his trip, and he figured he would have at least one month on campus to bask in this false dominance.
Continue reading “First Years Already Cooler than Their O-Trip Leader”
By NATHAN ASHANY Nov. 8, 2018
After mass confusion at polling places across Maine regarding the new ranked-choice voting system, sitting Republican Governor Paul LePage has announced his intention to replace the redesign with Marry-Fuck-Kill voting.
“I could not understand that shit for the life of me,” a clammy LePage told reporters. “What was I ranking these people on? Tallness? Smartness? Goodness of doing the governor job? Maine needs something simple and fun, something that will getcha hard as a rock and thirsty for blood.”
Governor-elect Janet Mills, a Democrat, immediately expressed her opposition to the plan. “I thought ranked-choice worked pretty well,” Mills said on Wednesday. “For me at least. This ‘Marry-Screw… whatever’ thing would not have been good for my campaign. Moody and Hayes are no lookers themselves – Moody with his creepy middle school lacrosse coach vibe and Hayes with his ‘I dropped mad acid in the 60s’ kinda look – but at least they have vibes. I’ve never opened my eyes wider than a tight squint and look like your aunt’s friend, so I’d have been nervous.”
While there was some confusion among Maine voters, there was no mass mobilization against the ranked-choice system. Commentators across the country were perplexed by LePage’s announcement, with many questioning the purpose of the ballot overhaul.
LePage responded to criticism bluntly, stating, “Yeah, to be completely honest I’m just trying to fuck Terry Hayes.”
By JACOB BASKES Oct. 22, 2018
A group of students and their parents, visiting Bowdoin for Family Weekend, set off for Morse Mountain for a day-hike this past weekend. The group has not been seen since their departure. Continue reading “Six Families Lost in Woods on BOC Family Weekend Hike”
By BROOKE VAHOS Sept. 21, 2018
Last Saturday, Bowdoin Security found three first-years at Simpson’s Point looking for a darty at Lighthouse, a popular off-campus party spot. First recounted in this week’s security report, the event piqued the interest of the greater College community. Continue reading “First-Years Go to Simpson’s Point Looking for Lighthouse Party”