After mass confusion at polling places across Maine regarding the new ranked-choice voting system, sitting Republican Governor Paul LePage has announced his intention to replace the redesign with Marry-Fuck-Kill voting.
“I could not understand that shit for the life of me,” a clammy LePage told reporters. “What was I ranking these people on? Tallness? Smartness? Goodness of doing the governor job? Maine needs something simple and fun, something that will getcha hard as a rock and thirsty for blood.”
Governor-elect Janet Mills, a Democrat, immediately expressed her opposition to the plan. “I thought ranked-choice worked pretty well,” Mills said on Wednesday. “For me at least. This ‘Marry-Screw… whatever’ thing would not have been good for my campaign. Moody and Hayes are no lookers themselves – Moody with his creepy middle school lacrosse coach vibe and Hayes with his ‘I dropped mad acid in the 60s’ kinda look – but at least they have vibes. I’ve never opened my eyes wider than a tight squint and look like your aunt’s friend, so I’d have been nervous.”
While there was some confusion among Maine voters, there was no mass mobilization against the ranked-choice system. Commentators across the country were perplexed by LePage’s announcement, with many questioning the purpose of the ballot overhaul.
LePage responded to criticism bluntly, stating, “Yeah, to be completely honest I’m just trying to fuck Terry Hayes.”
The pageant world was rocked by scandal last week as it was revealed that the 2018 winner of the Miss Maine Beauty Pageant was actually just a moose with a blond wig draped over its antlers.
The moose, who entered the competition as “Anita Saltlick,” charmed the judges with her cud-chewing abilities and her ungraceful but earnest solo dance routine to Britney Spears’ hit “Toxic.” When asked about her dream for the future, Ms. Saltlick simply released a loud and guttural groan. The judges agreed that this was a better answer than “world peace.”
However, as the gorgeous moose was about to be crowned winner of the pageant, a jealous runner-up snatched the wig off of her large and lumbering head. When exposed, Anita bolted, trampling three competitors and triggering an explosion of violence exacerbated by the messy floorplan of the converted synagogue used as the venue.
Jack Tiburon, chair of the Miss Maine organization, released a statement denying rumors that Ms. Saltlick would be deprived of her title. “Frankly, this moose has more talent and beauty than most competitors this day and age. Her humility and quick wit is a model to all.”
Other competitors disagreed with Mr. Tiburon’s decision. “Just because she’s beautiful does not mean she should keep the crown,” said fifth alternate Mary St. James, a woman who was literally deemed less attractive than a moose. “This whole situation reminds me of Miss Maine 2013, when a conniving rabbit tricked the judges into trading the winner’s prize for magic beans.”
Neither Anita Saltlick nor any other members of the moose community could be contacted for comment. It appears she has receded back into the woods from whence she came, depriving us of her startling beauty.
Neighborhood dog Fido has determined that since the 2016 Presidential Election his life has remained largely the same, and also butts smell great.
Much like the rest of America, Fido watched the events on MSNBC from the porch, paws trembling, when Donald Trump marked his territory on the United States. “I was in a really ruff place,” barked Fido. “I was so mad at myself that I didn’t vote on account of me being a dog. I had to spend some time outside to do some thinking.”
But Fido claims his time thinking changed his view on the outcome of the election. He noticed his life is nearly the same as what it was before, with one small addition.
“I was really concerned about how would it affect people of color, LGBTQ people, those without voices, and all those historically oppressed by conservative male values. But then I realized I’m still a dog. I still get the newspaper every day. I still have my chew toys. I even noticed one more thing,” he added, “butts smell great.”
Fido reports that butts smell so great that much of his day is spent with his face right up against a person’s anus. “In life, you have to find the little things. I can’t control the way the world works, but what I can control is how far I can get up in someone’s butt.”
Fido has found solace in this new outlook on life. Most days, he can be found in his doghouse with his head up his own ass.
Yeah, you heard me. I’m sick at skiing. You’re not as sick as me. Go fuck yourself.
Oh, did you not know I was sick at skiing? Don’t worry; I’ll talk about it all the time. I’ll talk about it loudly at the beginning of class so you can hear me. I’ll talk about it at the end of class too. If you’re lucky, the professor will even ask me to talk about it during class. I’ll do it even if he doesn’t ask. I’ll talk about it in the dining hall. I’ll talk about it when we’re having sex. I’ll even talk about it at my aunt’s wake.
Now that you know I’m sick at skiing, let me be more specific: I crush it on a regular basis. I crush groomers. I crush parks. I crush backcountry glades that would make you cry and laugh and poop all at the same time.
Do I have a sweet GoPro? Yes. Do I get sweet footage of me crushing every run of the day? No doubt. Will I release a fire edit at the end of the season with kickass Skrilex mixes, excessive amounts of slow-mo, and an embarrassing amount of footage of me not being sick at anything? Fuckin’ right I will. Will I aggressively promote this mediocre content until you want to stab me? I’m not God so I don’t know, but bring it on.
Upon arriving for his annual checkup, 17-year-old patient and former loser James Bristol sped through the typical medical small talk before arriving at the real reason for the yearly checkup. His doctor, pediatrician Michael Wassmer, glossed over most of the superficial ritual questions about vaccines and testicular cancer before reaching the climax both parties knew was coming: “James, are you sexually active?”
Bristol answered with the four manliest words he knew: “I am sexually active.” After receiving the affirmative response, the doctor stood up and exclaimed that, in his medical opinion, this revelation was, “Pretty fuckin’ sweet.” Beaming all the while, he congratulated the young champion on exiting loserdom. Confetti streamed from the ceiling, several air horns sounded, and scantily clad nurses came in to join on the applause.
Dr. Wassmer noted, “I honestly didn’t think he had it in him. I mean look at the kid. In my medical opinion he was one of the biggest fucking losers to enter my waiting room. Three weeks ago, he closed that chapter of his life and now look at what he’s gone on to do. This is the kind of stuff they don’t prepare you for in med school. This is why you come to work everyday.”
18-year-old Jenny Fischer has decided to defer her acceptance to Bowdoin College next semester to take a wage gap year in the American workforce.
“I think this will really prepare me for the outside world,” said Fischer. “A wage gap year is exactly what I need to get me ready to become a productive, undervalued member of society.”
Fischer’s wage gap year will consist of working literally anywhere in America and getting paid less than a man to do so. “This will be such a unique experience that I’ll be sharing with every other woman working in the US,” said Fischer. “I can’t wait.”
Local misogynist woman Rosie Highman recently underwent an experimental form of plastic surgery in order to feel more like an object. She said the procedure marked a life long ambition to have her outer appearance reflect her inner self.
“I was never like those other girls as a kid,” she said. “They all wanted to be doctors or lawyers. I just wanted to stand around with my hand on my hip and my mouth slightly open for hours. I would look at these women in storefronts and just be mesmerized. Then someone told me that they weren’t people but plastic mannequins, but I told them to shut up immediately and take me to the nearest plastic surgeon.”
Ms. Highman had to make several trips to the bank, but eventually got the body she always dreamed of. “I can’t move my arms anymore, but what use would I have for them? I’m a woman.”