Category: Maine

Rose Enforces 5 PM Deadline: Patrols Campus on Horseback, Shoots Remaining Students on Sight

By JACOB BASKES and SAM HALPERT Mar. 18, 2020

Since last Wednesday’s announcement that the College would be closing its campus and transitioning to a virtual learning model among fears of COVID-19 transmission, students have been receiving daily reminders to pack their rooms and depart as soon as possible. “Students who are on campus without permission after 5:00 pm will be subject to disciplinary action,” wrote Dean of Student Affairs Janet Lohmann in her final campus-wide email on Wednesday morning. “Also, I have seen your memes and find them kind of mean but also flattering, therefore I will be permanently adopting the nickname, ‘JLo.’”

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Vans Headed to Polls Create Major Pileup on Maine Street

by JACOB BASKES Mar. 3, 2020

Today is Super Tuesday—the one day during election season in which 14 states head to the polls. In order to encourage campus participation in the Democratic primaries, vans have been leaving campus every thirty seconds to take students to their local polling place. The high number of vans, however, along with the fact that a majority of drivers are from California, have led to a seventeen-van pileup in downtown Brunswick.

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Black Ice: Randy Nichols Mows Down Sophomore Crossing Maine Street

by JACOB BASKES Nov. 13, 2019

In an email sent on Tuesday evening, Head of Bowdoin Safety and Security Randy Nichols warned that roads around campus had become dangerous as a result of the previous day’s freezing rain. Seventeen minutes later, Nichols sent out a follow-up email announcing that he had run over a sophomore boy crossing the street outside of MacMillan house.

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Stowe Inn Brings Forth Proposal for “Stexit”

By JACK SHANE Sep. 18, 2019

Inspired by the United Kingdom’s tumultuous withdrawal from the European Union, the students of Stowe Inn have decided they’ve had enough. In a recent press release, a quorum of students living in the already geographically isolated Stowe Inn have proposed a so called “Stexit,” which would end their current economic relationship with Bowdoin College. 

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First Years Already Cooler than Their O-Trip Leader

by DAN RALSTON Sep. 13, 2019

Sophomore Ralph Deeps was feeling pretty good upon returning to campus after leading the Saddleback F BOC O-Trip. He was relishing in the superiority he felt over the eight first years on his trip, and he figured he would have at least one month on campus to bask in this false dominance.

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LePage to Replace Ranked-Choice Voting with Marry-Fuck-Kill Voting

By NATHAN ASHANY Nov. 8, 2018

After mass confusion at polling places across Maine regarding the new ranked-choice voting system, sitting Republican Governor Paul LePage has announced his intention to replace the redesign with Marry-Fuck-Kill voting.

“I could not understand that shit for the life of me,” a clammy LePage told reporters. “What was I ranking these people on? Tallness? Smartness? Goodness of doing the governor job? Maine needs something simple and fun, something that will getcha hard as a rock and thirsty for blood.”

Governor-elect Janet Mills, a Democrat, immediately expressed her opposition to the plan. “I thought ranked-choice worked pretty well,” Mills said on Wednesday. “For me at least. This ‘Marry-Screw… whatever’ thing would not have been good for my campaign. Moody and Hayes are no lookers themselves – Moody with his creepy middle school lacrosse coach vibe and Hayes with his ‘I dropped mad acid in the 60s’ kinda look – but at least they have vibes. I’ve never opened my eyes wider than a tight squint and look like your aunt’s friend, so I’d have been nervous.”

While there was some confusion among Maine voters, there was no mass mobilization against the ranked-choice system. Commentators across the country were perplexed by LePage’s announcement, with many questioning the purpose of the ballot overhaul.

LePage responded to criticism bluntly, stating, “Yeah, to be completely honest I’m just trying to fuck Terry Hayes.”

First-Years Go to Simpson’s Point Looking for Lighthouse Party

By BROOKE VAHOS Sept. 21, 2018

Last Saturday, Bowdoin Security found three first-years at Simpson’s Point looking for a darty at Lighthouse, a popular off-campus party spot. First recounted in this week’s security report, the event piqued the interest of the greater College community. Continue reading “First-Years Go to Simpson’s Point Looking for Lighthouse Party”