Category: Bowdoin

J-Board to Punish Students by Making Them Sit on J-Board

by THEO DANZIG Mar. 3, 2019

In a school-wide email, the Judicial Board announced that for the foreseeable future, it would reject recommendations for student suspensions and probations, and instead only require that students sit on the Judicial Board for the following year. This decision was made after the Judicial Board failed to receive a sufficient number of applications for the 2019-2020 school year.

Continue reading “J-Board to Punish Students by Making Them Sit on J-Board”

Getting Water in Thorne Like Watching Old Man Dribble on Seat

by DAN RALSTON Feb. 26, 2019

Students eating in Thorne Hall have been facing extremely low water flow rates at all soda fountains and dispensers in recent weeks. First-year lacrosse player John Bile truly struggled to fill his seventh cup this past Tuesday. “I’ve been here for like 2 hours bro, I don’t know what’s going on, but I’m seriously pretty peeved. I’ve got the team bro, they’re all waiting on me,” bemoaned Bile.

As lines have grown increasingly long, the Harpoon has noticed an increase in reports of awkward eye contact with other thirsty students waiting to hydrate. Fortunately for the rest of the Bowdoin community, the hockey team and football team have been eating in Moulton Union’s Dark Room.

Guy Spoof, the dining representative to the Bowdoin Student Government (BSG), told the Harpoon that Facilities Management has been alerted to Thorne’s dribbling water dispensers. When pressed further, Mr. Spoof noted that he liked the dribbling. “The lackluster water flow reminds me of my grandpa dribbling on the seat back when we used to have sleepovers. I think it’s experiences like these that are unique to Bowdoin!”

Hintze Declares 2020 Presidential Bid

by THEO DANZIG February 7, 2019

On Wednesday, Bowdoin College Director of Student Activities Nate Hintze announced his candidacy for the 2020 Presidential Election. Speaking in Smith Union to a crowd of disinterested students who were really just trying to finish their homework before their class in 15 minutes, Hintze declared that if elected, he would take his philosophy of “creating safe, inclusive, and fun” spaces to the White House, along with his uncanny ability to make every interaction awkward. 

Continue reading “Hintze Declares 2020 Presidential Bid”

College Announces $3.7 Million Donation to Support H-L “Children’s Corner”

by WILL HAUSMANN February 5, 2019

Earlier this week, Bowdoin received an unconventional alumni donation. George Ross ‘87 will be donating $3.7 million to support what he claims is “an undeveloped and underutilized resource at Bowdoin”: the “Children’s Corner” in Hawthorne-Longfellow Library.

If you didn’t know Bowdoin had a section devoted to adolescent pleasure reading, you are not alone. The Children’s Corner, previously across from the main entrance to H-L, will undergo substantial changes after the exorbitant donation. Ross’ gift is expected to allow for the purchase of close to 17,000 new books for the Children’s Corner. The college plans to renovate the Shannon and Pickering Rooms in Hubbard hall to accommodate the expansion of the collection.

Ross stipulated in his donation that these new books should primarily be picture books and chapter books with at most 100 pages. He thought these books would be more appealing to the student population than other, more advanced options. On the topic of literacy discrimination at higher education institutions, Ross said, “It’s just crazy to me that the barely literate don’t receive more help at a school as inclusive as Bowdoin. I was lucky I played a sport. Also, what does ‘inclusive’ mean?”

Additionally, Ross claimed access to picture books was crucial to him finishing his English major. He stated, “I took a lot of classes where each student chose their own novels to read, so whenever an essay was assigned, I went right to the Corner and grabbed some Seuss or Silverstein or Dahl. You know, the classics.” Ross, who now somehow owns a publishing company, claimed these literary magnates developed his writing and rhetorical analysis skills. He believes his donation will help Bowdoin students experience the literary genius of Magic Treehouse and other modern masterpieces. “I read at roughly a 3rd grade level,” Ross added.

The donation will also create an endowed curator of the new and improved Children’s Corner. With a starting salary of $534,000, the Children’s Corner curator will be the 2nd highest paid college employee behind CIO Paula Volent. Applications are now available on JobX.

Polar Points to be Replaced by Randy Nickels

by HOLLY LYNE February 1, 2019

Polar Points, a widely respected form of campus currency, are now retiring after years of devoted service to the College. Students will soon purchase their almond milk lattes with Randy Nickels, the new cryptocurrency named in honor of Bowdoin’s longtime Director of Safety and Security, Randy Nichols. Continue reading “Polar Points to be Replaced by Randy Nickels”

70% of People Who Get Express Just Don’t Have Lunch Plans

by AINE LAWLOR and ARJUN MEHTA Jan. 30, 2019

Bowdoin students love talking about how busy they are. Everyone says they “are absolutely swamped” and “have to grab Express,” but we all know what that really means: they don’t have enough friends to schedule a lunch and they don’t have have guts to walk into Moulton and take a seat at a table alone. They are just getting that bagged lunch so they can go home and let their confidence sink lower than the quality of the Express cookies. Continue reading “70% of People Who Get Express Just Don’t Have Lunch Plans”

Bowdoin IT Still Too Enthralled by Front Page to Fix All the Other Problems with bowdoin.edu

by WILL HAUSMANN Jan. 29, 2019

Nearly two months after the launch of the new website, bowdoin.edu remains riddled with functionality problems. The Harpoon went to the dark, scary depths of the Coles Tower basement to do some investigative reporting on Bowdoin IT’s problems. After redirecting a group of first years looking for a party in 13C, we found the windowless enclave of Bowdoin IT.  Continue reading “Bowdoin IT Still Too Enthralled by Front Page to Fix All the Other Problems with bowdoin.edu”