BY: WILL HAUSMANN Oct. 27, 2020
After six full weekends on campus, there has been a shockingly small number of transports to Mid Coast Hospital due to the over-imbibing of alcohol. Only four students have found themselves taking an unplanned ambulance ride, according to data the Harpoon obtained from the Office of Safety and Security. This represents a 71% decline in transports, compared to an average of 13.7 transports through six weekends in previous years.
Members of Peer Health are suggesting the decline can be attributed to their decision to introduce a virtual newsletter each week, starting in late March of last academic year. “We decided that Peer Health needed a messaging change, so we chose an email newsletter instead of posters because it’s a digital age and stuff,” Darren Shepherd ‘21 told the Harpoon. “After realizing the screenagers of today spend all of their time on the toilet staring at their phones instead of the Stall Street Journal, we realized we needed to go virtual to be successful.”
Susan Seuss ‘21 , a Biology major, aspiring research MD, and co-leader of Peer Health, said she is investigating this effect for her honors project this year. “I conducted a double-blind, peer-reviewed experiment comparing the transport rates of students who identify as ‘Active’ vs ‘Inactive’ readers of Peer Health content,” Seuss said. She went on to say that her data “absolutely guarantees” that the newsletter is preventing transports.
When asked whether COVID and social distancing guidelines could be attributed to the lower number of transports, Seuss and Shepherd said there was “weak causality at best.”
Still, not all students are ready to accept Peer Health’s explanation. According to Orson Digby Palmer V, self-described “beer maven” and third generation member of the lacrosse team, the sole reason for the decline is “this year’s crop of first years are simply not as cool as that of previous years,” and they lack the “100 kegs or bust” mentality exemplified by our newest Supreme Court justice,
By JACQUELINE BOBEN Apr. 4, 2020
On Sunday, March 30th (or was it Saturday? I have lost track of the days and my pants) many College Houses decided to hold their weekly house “meetings”. They had been advertising their gatherings as “open events” to all students, telling them, “No I.D., No Meeting ID”. This did nothing to impede the Brunswick Police Department’s apparently continued commitment to ensure that students respect the law.
Continue reading “BPD Shuts Down College House Zoom Party”
by JACOB BASKES Mar. 3, 2020
Today is Super Tuesday—the one day during election season in which 14 states head to the polls. In order to encourage campus participation in the Democratic primaries, vans have been leaving campus every thirty seconds to take students to their local polling place. The high number of vans, however, along with the fact that a majority of drivers are from California, have led to a seventeen-van pileup in downtown Brunswick.
Continue reading “Vans Headed to Polls Create Major Pileup on Maine Street”
by LIA KORNMEHL
In their January 2020 newsletter, National Geographic’s bi-annual Animal Sexual Activity (ASA) Report detailed that while mules are still sterile, new evidence shows that polar bears masturbate an average of 18 hours a day. The data was recorded from a study of 37 polar bears, or virtually the planet’s entire remaining polar bear population.
Continue reading “New NatGeo Study: Mules May be Sterile but Polar Bears Can’t Stop Masturbating”
by LIA KORNMEHL
You see him sitting two tables down from yours in Moulton Dark Room. He’s not wearing anything especially noticeable, and his face screams, “I’m a normal human being.” You furrow your brow in deep thought. Was he in your first semester thirty-five-person Microeconomics class? Or did he just return from a four-month jaunt in Amsterdam or London or Chile?
Continue reading “Is He a First Year I Haven’t Met or the Junior Everyone Tells Me is “So Cool”?”
by WILL HAUSMANN
During syllabus week, many students returned to campus after a restful break ready to learn all that the world has to offer. And then there was Erik Star ‘22, self-proclaimed to be one of Bowdoin’s wokest students, who just couldn’t keep his eyes open during a riveting discussion of essay requirements in Integral Calculus.
Continue reading “Woke Student Falls Asleep in Class”
by JACK SHANE
Pro: Seeing all of your friends.
Con: Having to explain why you suddenly have a toupee.
Continue reading “Pros and Cons of Returning to Campus”
by LIA KORNMEHL Nov. 19, 2019
Welcome to “What’s in My Backpack,” where I present some of the most intriguing backpacks, briefcases, and bookbags on and off campus. Today’s backpack comes to us from none other than Bowdoin College’s own president, Clayton Rose.
Continue reading ““What’s in My Backpack?”: Clayton Rose Edition”
by WILL HAUSMANN Nov. 18, 2019
After a peaceful few weeks without an email from the BSG Ad-hoc committee on Wi-Fi, it seemed as though Bowdoin’s Wi-Fi ailments were solved. Some students even reported the ability to watch a full episode of the Magic School Bus for their Biology class without ever having to turn off their Wi-Fi and then turn it back on.
Continue reading “Wi-Fi Crashes After an Influx of Insta and Snapchat Stories of the First Snow”
by JACOB BASKES Nov. 13, 2019
In an email sent on Tuesday evening, Head of Bowdoin Safety
and Security Randy Nichols warned that roads around campus had become dangerous
as a result of the previous day’s freezing rain. Seventeen minutes later,
Nichols sent out a follow-up email announcing that he had run over a sophomore
boy crossing the street outside of MacMillan house.
Continue reading “Black Ice: Randy Nichols Mows Down Sophomore Crossing Maine Street”