by JACOB BASKES December, 2019
Every fall, members of the World Health Organization’s Global Influenza Surveillance and Response System analyze millions of data points to make a best guess as to what the upcoming winter’s flu strain will be. According to the team’s publicly available statistics, it is wrong an encouraging 84% of the time. In response to the process’ uncertainty, Bowdoin Senior and vaccine aficionado Lianna Hernandez opted to get not one, not five, but nine different flu shots.
Bowdoin Health Services began offering flu vaccinations in October, opening its office to students twice per month for one day of free flu shots. Hernandez attended each one, but “it simply wasn’t often enough,” she said.
“I loved the rush, and I needed to feel absolutely invincible. You never know which strain of flu will be big this year. German bug flu? Check. Bolivian hammer flu? I’m on it.” She cycled through the Midcoast Hospital, the Midcoast Walk-in Clinic, and the Thornton Oaks Retirement Community until she had received a total of nine vaccinations. “I feel great,” she said. “I think.”
The immunity has not come without its downsides. Since Hernandez began her vaccination spree, she has grown three extra toes and lost the ability to blink. As a consequence, she has also developed a persistent case of pink eye and has been consistently leaving class to dunk her head in a bucket of warm water that, thankfully, her professors have allowed her to keep outside in the hallway.
by SPENCER SUSSMAN October 6th, 2021
Merely one week after the Bowdoin Marriage Pact released their matches to students, Brunswick divorce lawyers are reporting a massive, overwhelming demand for their services. “He just isn’t the guy I met yesterday in Thorne anymore,” one Bowdoin divorcee explained.
Bowdoin divorce lawyers say that it isn’t only the quantity of divorce filings that is shocking, but also the cut-throat nature of the settlements.
“One of my clients lost 250 polar points and his dorm’s mini-fridge,” one lawyer explained. In one particularly tragic case, a despicably horny First-Year was lured into a brutal prenup agreement by a seductive super-senior and lost his entire meal plan. When asked about this horribly unfortunate settlement, the First-Year said “At least I hit bro.”
UPDATE: Sources have clarified that the claims made earlier by the despicably horny First-Year were false; as expected, the First-Year did not ”hit” but rather lied to our faces for clout. We apologize for any confusion his statement may have spurned.
BY: Emma Kilbride September 25th, 2021
Last week, Bowdoin students gathered at the Office of Sustainability to participate in this year’s FreeCycle, a yearly event flocked to by students seeking to absolve themselves of environmental guilt and to hoard their peers’ garbage. Many students, however, found themselves unimpressed with the offerings at 10 Cleveland Street, which apparently ranged from mildly underwhelming to downright hazardous.
One student reports having been delighted to pick up a seemingly brand-new microwave before transporting it home, opening it, and being greeted by an unwelcome surprise: the fermenting remains of what appeared to be a grab-and-go Lumbo Basswich Wrapini. According to the student, who wishes to remain anonymous, “shit was low key rancid as fuck.”
This rotten bass mishap seems relatively tame compared to the FreeCycle misfortunes of some other students, one of which resulted in a medical emergency. On Tuesday night, sophomore Kyle Higgenbottom was rushed to Maine Medical Center after being anally impaled by the leg of a defective lawn chair he had acquired at the Office of Sustainability just days prior.
Brandon Allen ‘23, a FreeCycler who had hoped to outfit the kitchen in his new apartment, found that his experience was marred by the unlikely presence of a recently cancelled celebrity. “I found this Chrissy Teigen for Target meat cleaver, but then I read on Buzzfeed News that she told someone to take a dirt nap, which is like, super messed up,” Allen recalls. “I’ll probably just use it as a poop knife or something.”
Other reported FreeCycle disappointments include a collection of (used) Sonicare toothbrush heads, a single Wii nunchuk, and an iCarly beach towel with “some sort of funky crust on it”. The Office of Sustainability declined our request for comment.
BY: WILL HAUSMANN Oct. 27, 2020
After six full weekends on campus, there has been a shockingly small number of transports to Mid Coast Hospital due to the over-imbibing of alcohol. Only four students have found themselves taking an unplanned ambulance ride, according to data the Harpoon obtained from the Office of Safety and Security. This represents a 71% decline in transports, compared to an average of 13.7 transports through six weekends in previous years.
Members of Peer Health are suggesting the decline can be attributed to their decision to introduce a virtual newsletter each week, starting in late March of last academic year. “We decided that Peer Health needed a messaging change, so we chose an email newsletter instead of posters because it’s a digital age and stuff,” Darren Shepherd ‘21 told the Harpoon. “After realizing the screenagers of today spend all of their time on the toilet staring at their phones instead of the Stall Street Journal, we realized we needed to go virtual to be successful.”
Susan Seuss ‘21 , a Biology major, aspiring research MD, and co-leader of Peer Health, said she is investigating this effect for her honors project this year. “I conducted a double-blind, peer-reviewed experiment comparing the transport rates of students who identify as ‘Active’ vs ‘Inactive’ readers of Peer Health content,” Seuss said. She went on to say that her data “absolutely guarantees” that the newsletter is preventing transports.
When asked whether COVID and social distancing guidelines could be attributed to the lower number of transports, Seuss and Shepherd said there was “weak causality at best.”
Still, not all students are ready to accept Peer Health’s explanation. According to Orson Digby Palmer V, self-described “beer maven” and third generation member of the lacrosse team, the sole reason for the decline is “this year’s crop of first years are simply not as cool as that of previous years,” and they lack the “100 kegs or bust” mentality exemplified by our newest Supreme Court justice,
By JACQUELINE BOBEN Apr. 4, 2020
On Sunday, March 30th (or was it Saturday? I have lost track of the days and my pants) many College Houses decided to hold their weekly house “meetings”. They had been advertising their gatherings as “open events” to all students, telling them, “No I.D., No Meeting ID”. This did nothing to impede the Brunswick Police Department’s apparently continued commitment to ensure that students respect the law.
Continue reading “BPD Shuts Down College House Zoom Party”
by JACOB BASKES Mar. 3, 2020
Today is Super Tuesday—the one day during election season in which 14 states head to the polls. In order to encourage campus participation in the Democratic primaries, vans have been leaving campus every thirty seconds to take students to their local polling place. The high number of vans, however, along with the fact that a majority of drivers are from California, have led to a seventeen-van pileup in downtown Brunswick.
Continue reading “Vans Headed to Polls Create Major Pileup on Maine Street”
by LIA KORNMEHL
In their January 2020 newsletter, National Geographic’s bi-annual Animal Sexual Activity (ASA) Report detailed that while mules are still sterile, new evidence shows that polar bears masturbate an average of 18 hours a day. The data was recorded from a study of 37 polar bears, or virtually the planet’s entire remaining polar bear population.
Continue reading “New NatGeo Study: Mules May be Sterile but Polar Bears Can’t Stop Masturbating”
by LIA KORNMEHL
You see him sitting two tables down from yours in Moulton Dark Room. He’s not wearing anything especially noticeable, and his face screams, “I’m a normal human being.” You furrow your brow in deep thought. Was he in your first semester thirty-five-person Microeconomics class? Or did he just return from a four-month jaunt in Amsterdam or London or Chile?
Continue reading “Is He a First Year I Haven’t Met or the Junior Everyone Tells Me is “So Cool”?”
by WILL HAUSMANN
During syllabus week, many students returned to campus after a restful break ready to learn all that the world has to offer. And then there was Erik Star ‘22, self-proclaimed to be one of Bowdoin’s wokest students, who just couldn’t keep his eyes open during a riveting discussion of essay requirements in Integral Calculus.
Continue reading “Woke Student Falls Asleep in Class”
by JACK SHANE
Pro: Seeing all of your friends.
Con: Having to explain why you suddenly have a toupee.
Continue reading “Pros and Cons of Returning to Campus”