by GARY OHIO | March 12th, 2023

As fashion week sets in, male students are amidst an unspoken uproar about the latest trends, successful in their goal to stop them dead in their tracks. This fleeting grassroots movement has catapulted into a scene of continuously boring fashion choices, consisting mostly of the typical gray sweatpant-hoodie-flannel combo we’ve seen on this campus time and time again. Campus-run activism has even convinced the infamous Emo Townies of Brunswick to stick to their platform boots, long cardigans, and box dyed black hair. Even as the weather begins to warm up, students’ clothing remains just as uninteresting and stale as it was before. 

Only a couple days into around-the-clock silent protesting, word has already spread to local shops. Brunswick tanning salons who initially cleared their schedules in anticipation of the campus’s participation in fashion week are complaining that no one has so much as walked by their storefronts. Cindy Lou from Starz Hair Studio located on Maine Street lamented, “Bowdoin men’s hair styles have always looked like Brad Pitt’s greasy long mane after he steps off the set of World War Z. And nothing has changed. It’s gotten out of hand.” What Cindy has failed to recognize, however, is that it’s not that Bowdoin students don’t give a fuck, it’s that they actively shit on fashion through their choice to regularly (and now purposefully) fall below the standard.

However, it must be noted that a wide range of Bowdoin men seem to already be in on some of the most brilliant and fashion-forward styles we’ve seen in the streets of New York. They have taken Collina Strada’s animal inspired collection almost a little too literally by mimicking a scummy rat look. By refusing to take a shower at least once every week and consistently failing to shave their irregular facial hair, Strada can view male Bowdoin students as the embodiment of her rat-people collection in the real world rather than merely on the runway. 

Collina Strada model

By rejecting fast fashion trends in the form of recycling the same outfit semester after semester, Bowdoin men demonstrate resistance unlike any other. But much like the rest of society, they have, once again, placed all of the burden on the gays to be the most stylish motherfuckers out there. 

BY: Emma Kilbride September 25th, 2021

Last week, Bowdoin students gathered at the Office of Sustainability to participate in this year’s FreeCycle, a yearly event flocked to by students seeking to absolve themselves of environmental guilt and to hoard their peers’ garbage. Many students, however, found themselves unimpressed with the offerings at 10 Cleveland Street, which apparently ranged from mildly underwhelming to downright hazardous.

One student reports having been delighted to pick up a seemingly brand-new microwave before transporting it home, opening it, and being greeted by an unwelcome surprise: the fermenting remains of what appeared to be a grab-and-go Lumbo Basswich Wrapini. According to the student, who wishes to remain anonymous, “shit was low key rancid as fuck.”

This rotten bass mishap seems relatively tame compared to the FreeCycle misfortunes of some other students, one of which resulted in a medical emergency. On Tuesday night, sophomore Kyle Higgenbottom was rushed to Maine Medical Center after being anally impaled by the leg of a defective lawn chair he had acquired at the Office of Sustainability just days prior.

Brandon Allen ‘23, a FreeCycler who had hoped to outfit the kitchen in his new apartment, found that his experience was marred by the unlikely presence of a recently cancelled celebrity. “I found this Chrissy Teigen for Target meat cleaver, but then I read on Buzzfeed News that she told someone to take a dirt nap, which is like, super messed up,” Allen recalls. “I’ll probably just use it as a poop knife or something.”

Other reported FreeCycle disappointments include a collection of (used) Sonicare toothbrush heads, a single Wii nunchuk, and an iCarly beach towel with “some sort of funky crust on it”. The Office of Sustainability declined our request for comment.

By JACQUELINE BOBEN Apr. 4, 2020

On Sunday, March 30th (or was it Saturday? I have lost track of the days and my pants) many College Houses decided to hold their weekly house “meetings”. They had been advertising their gatherings as “open events” to all students, telling them, “No I.D., No Meeting ID”. This did nothing to impede the Brunswick Police Department’s apparently continued commitment to ensure that students respect the law.

by LIA KORNMEHL

In their January 2020 newsletter, National Geographic’s bi-annual Animal Sexual Activity (ASA) Report detailed that while mules are still sterile, new evidence shows that polar bears masturbate an average of 18 hours a day. The data was recorded from a study of 37 polar bears, or virtually the planet’s entire remaining polar bear population.

by LIA KORNMEHL

You see him sitting two tables down from yours in Moulton Dark Room. He’s not wearing anything especially noticeable, and his face screams, “I’m a normal human being.” You furrow your brow in deep thought. Was he in your first semester thirty-five-person Microeconomics class? Or did he just return from a four-month jaunt in Amsterdam or London or Chile? 

by WILL HAUSMANN

During syllabus week, many students returned to campus after a restful break ready to learn all that the world has to offer. And then there was Erik Star ‘22, self-proclaimed to be one of Bowdoin’s wokest students, who just couldn’t keep his eyes open during a riveting discussion of essay requirements in Integral Calculus.