by LIA KORNMEHL
In their January 2020 newsletter, National Geographic’s bi-annual Animal Sexual Activity (ASA) Report detailed that while mules are still sterile, new evidence shows that polar bears masturbate an average of 18 hours a day. The data was recorded from a study of 37 polar bears, or virtually the planet’s entire remaining polar bear population.
Continue reading “New NatGeo Study: Mules May be Sterile but Polar Bears Can’t Stop Masturbating”
by LIA KORNMEHL
You see him sitting two tables down from yours in Moulton Dark Room. He’s not wearing anything especially noticeable, and his face screams, “I’m a normal human being.” You furrow your brow in deep thought. Was he in your first semester thirty-five-person Microeconomics class? Or did he just return from a four-month jaunt in Amsterdam or London or Chile?
Continue reading “Is He a First Year I Haven’t Met or the Junior Everyone Tells Me is “So Cool”?”
by WILL HAUSMANN
During syllabus week, many students returned to campus after a restful break ready to learn all that the world has to offer. And then there was Erik Star ‘22, self-proclaimed to be one of Bowdoin’s wokest students, who just couldn’t keep his eyes open during a riveting discussion of essay requirements in Integral Calculus.
Continue reading “Woke Student Falls Asleep in Class”
by JACK SHANE
Pro: Seeing all of your friends.
Con: Having to explain why you suddenly have a toupee.
Continue reading “Pros and Cons of Returning to Campus”
by LIA KORNMEHL Nov. 19, 2019
Welcome to “What’s in My Backpack,” where I present some of the most intriguing backpacks, briefcases, and bookbags on and off campus. Today’s backpack comes to us from none other than Bowdoin College’s own president, Clayton Rose.
Continue reading ““What’s in My Backpack?”: Clayton Rose Edition”
by WILL HAUSMANN Nov. 18, 2019
After a peaceful few weeks without an email from the BSG Ad-hoc committee on Wi-Fi, it seemed as though Bowdoin’s Wi-Fi ailments were solved. Some students even reported the ability to watch a full episode of the Magic School Bus for their Biology class without ever having to turn off their Wi-Fi and then turn it back on.
Continue reading “Wi-Fi Crashes After an Influx of Insta and Snapchat Stories of the First Snow”
by JACOB BASKES Nov. 13, 2019
In an email sent on Tuesday evening, Head of Bowdoin Safety
and Security Randy Nichols warned that roads around campus had become dangerous
as a result of the previous day’s freezing rain. Seventeen minutes later,
Nichols sent out a follow-up email announcing that he had run over a sophomore
boy crossing the street outside of MacMillan house.
Continue reading “Black Ice: Randy Nichols Mows Down Sophomore Crossing Maine Street”
by HOLLY LYNE Nov. 12, 2019
Breaking news: Last Saturday night, Stephen Seltzer ’23 shockingly obeyed the law while drinking a claw.
Continue reading “Nerd Obeys Laws While Drinking Claws”
by JACK SHANE Nov. 6, 2019
Since pledging to give a whole 72 cents more to housekeepers over 32 years, Bowdoin has desperately been trying to find ways to raise the money to pay for this exceptional wage increase. According to a recent press release from the Bowdoin Organic Garden, Bowdoin may have found the saving grace in the form of cancer-causing, environment hating Monsanto, who just bought the Bowdoin Organic Garden with $4 found on the floor.
Continue reading “Monsanto Buys Bowdoin Organic Garden”
by THEO DANZIG Nov. 5, 2019
Sophomore Zachary Leibowitz thought he had found the perfect Halloween costume. He had been planning for the annual festival of witchery for weeks and believed he had struck the perfect balance between humor and cultural sensitivity. By dressing up as Prozac, Zachary believed he would lift the spirits of everyone he saw.
Continue reading “Student Dresses As Prozac For Halloween Party, Takes Away Everyone’s Sex Drive”