by JACOB BASKES October 9, 2019
On Wednesday morning, the student-run Bowdoin Entertainment
Board announced new “campus celebrity” playlists to improve its interactions with
the student body. This week’s featured guest is President Clayton Rose, whose
top picks include Travis Scott’s “HIGHEST IN THE ROOM” and Post Malone’s
Continue reading “President Rose’s Spotify Playlist Features Travis Scott, Post Malone”
by HADLEY JEVON Oct. 7, 2019
Many candidates for BSG positions promise cheaper laundry and more Gucci Mane in college house basements. First year Gretta Yump, on the other hand, went above and beyond in her efforts to make Bowdoin a more welcoming environment by advocating for more elevated surfaces for students to dance on.
Continue reading “Student runs for BSG on platform of platforms: More elevated surfaces on which students can dance”
by LIA KORNMEHL Oct. 2, 2019
No one was surprised when, after a few moments of grunting, pushing, and eye rolling, Nancy Pelosi announced a formal impeachment inquiry concerning President Donald Trump’s call with the Ukrainian president.
Continue reading “Trump Impeachment Similar to Weekend Hookup: Came Too Fast and Can’t Wait for Things to End”
By JONAS KRISTENSSON Oct. 1, 2019
At the Convocation of the Class of 2023, President Clayton Rose announced a school affiliation that was previously only known to him, the College’s Treasurer, and the bearded lumberjack running the Scientology Center on Lincoln Street.
by JACOB BASKES Sep. 30, 2019
As part of its semesterly Library Party, the staff of the Hawthorne-Lonfellow Library and other libraries on campus invited emotional support children to give students a “well-needed study break” yesterday.
Continue reading “Emotional Support Children Brought to Calm Students in HL”
by GRACE CARRIER Sep. 23, 2019
As the third week of college came to a close, students finally saw
the bright, shining faces of prospies around campus. Yet as the Admissions
Office recruited new polar bears, the rest of us had to suffer through a Dry
Continue reading “First Year Realizes That He Has No Real Friends During Dry Weekend”
by WILL HAUSMANN Sep. 23, 2019
Bowdoin College and the Brunswick Fire Department partnered last Wednesday to host a demonstratively smoky and less demonstrative demonstration fire on the Coe Quad. While the fire’s biggest success was asphyxiating everyone in Moore trying to sleep through their 11:40 class, most students seemed nonplussed by the fire, expecting something bigger, hotter, and more fiery. Luckily for the College, the fire “accidentally” engulfed Dudley Coe, a building that had been slated for demolition in 2020.
Continue reading “Due to budget cuts, demonstration fire burns down Dudley Coe”
By PATRICK LYNOTT Sep. 19, 2019
The recent launch of Bowdoin’s partnership with Handshake, a community-based site for job postings and networking, has provided a venue for many students to connect with potential employers.
For one unfortunate student, however, the process has been a little less gratifying. Jebediah Sprout, class of ‘21, told the Harpoon that he had trouble identifying the correct URL. Citing “an inability to read effectively and a frank reluctance to learn,” he instead found himself perusing an adult website.
“It must have been autocorrect, because I would never associate myself with such a demeaning website,” said Jebediah, who somehow also managed to enroll himself in a yearly plan on the adult website. “That kind of stuff just isn’t me. My intention was to learn how to network and connect with alumni, not scroll through thumbnails of people spanking it. And by ‘it’ I mean a pale Bulgarian prostitute with breast implants.”
Sprout, who is obviously a liar with no interest in being employed, says his thoughts about joining Handshake and his future are complicated: “On one hand, having a job would be great, but on the other… is my own penis. Do you see what I’m saying?”
Sprout can often be seen in sweatpants, sitting in the back of each of his classes, dimming the brightness of his laptop any time someone looks over at him, claiming he just doesn’t want others to see his “professional network.”
By JACK SHANE Sep. 18, 2019
Inspired by the United Kingdom’s tumultuous withdrawal from the European Union, the students of Stowe Inn have decided they’ve had enough. In a recent press release, a quorum of students living in the already geographically isolated Stowe Inn have proposed a so called “Stexit,” which would end their current economic relationship with Bowdoin College.
Continue reading “Stowe Inn Brings Forth Proposal for “Stexit””
by LIA KORNMEHL Sep. 16, 2019
This week, first years were treated to hour long
conversations with Randy Nichols, Bowdoin’s revered Executive Director of
Safety and Security. He covered a wide range of topics, including safe
drinking, fire safety, and his extensive experience with law enforcement.
However, some students just weren’t satisfied after the mandatory sit down. We
know, you have more questions that Randy and the 36 MyStudentBody
questionnaires didn’t get to. So, in no particular order, here’s what Randy didn’t tell you on that unseasonably
hot Wednesday night.
Continue reading “7 Things Randy Didn’t Tell the First Years During the Mandatory Safety Meeting”