God Reveals Himself to a Young Lost Girl — Lawsuit to Follow

by ELIZA JEVON February 12, 2019

Last Sunday, around 2:00 PM, poor little Sally Lovejoy was wandering alone in the meadow after losing her way on a family picnic. Panicked, afraid, and out of data, she was beginning to lose hope.

Then, all of a sudden, God–in all of his glorious nudity–jumped out of a bush.

Continue reading “God Reveals Himself to a Young Lost Girl — Lawsuit to Follow”

New Study Finds That 100% of Dads Would Give Left Nut To Go Back to Summer of ‘83

by BLAINE STEVENS February 11, 2019

Based on the in-depth testimonies of all 60 million middle-aged fathers across the country, a new study published in the peer-reviewed sociological journal, Playboy, confirmed the long-believed speculation that 100% of dads would, in fact, give their left nut to go back to the summer of ‘83.

Continue reading “New Study Finds That 100% of Dads Would Give Left Nut To Go Back to Summer of ‘83”

Oriental Express: Bowdoin Career Planning Won’t Apply to Jobs for You

FEB. 11, 2019

By Calderon McHuman and the Pied Piper (with Editorial Assistance from the Bowdoin Harpoon)

Here’s your rundown of marginally notable news that you “ABSOLUTELY NEED” to know this week:

1. BOWDOIN CAREER PLANNING WON’T APPLY TO JOBS FOR YOU

After many seniors expressed dissatisfaction with career planning, many said the center wasn’t providing enough support. Students are paying $70,000 a year to go here, but shockingly they still have to search and apply to jobs. Students with interests in the arts and journalism were particularly dissatisfied, but career planning can only do so much to revive dying fields.

Are you still an unemployed bum? Read the full article here.

2. BOWDOIN PROFESSORS SURPRISINGLY LIBERAL

Analysis of FEC data revealed that Bowdoin professors are not the bastion of conservatism we all thought they were. All of the large donations by Bowdoin faculty were earmarked for liberal candidates and groups. Additionally, one Bowdoin trustee donated $1 million to a Democratic PAC, showing even liberals can unite over Citizens United as well. Clayton Rose also made a max donation to “non-partisan Independent” Angus King, after King wouldn’t take payment for speaking at Orientation Dinner.

See which of your professors are closeted liberals here.

3. AVERAGE AGE AT MUSIC AT THE MUSEUM: 77

The Music at the Museum series continued this past week to a raucous crowd of seniors (like actual senior citizens). The event sold out quickly as guests were concerned that all the artistically inclined Bowdoin students would flock to the event. However, the Orient was unable to find any students at the event to comment. All artistically inclined students were reportedly too busy complaining about Dighton Spooner.

Find out if your grandmother was at Music at the Museum here.

4. ICE FISHING: THE BEST BOWDOIN TEAM ON ICE

As the Bowdoin Hockey teams rock a collective 9-31-4 record, Bowdoin’s top athletes may be investing their time in ice fishing. Students spend up to five hours competing in this grueling sport each Sunday during the winter months. The ice fishing team may begin recruiting in the near future.

Did you quit hockey but miss being on a team? Take the leap here.

5. STUDENTS CONSIDER “CHARMING” MAINE POST-GRAD

At the Maine Career Fair, Smith Union echoed with overused cliches about how awesome Maine is during the summer months and what a perspective shift it would be to live and work in this state. It is almost like students would benefit from a whole four years living and going to school in Maine to learn about this quirky and whimsical state.

Wish you had the chance to live and engage with the state of Maine. Learn more here.

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Compiled by Will Hausmann

“Sweet Caroline,” “Jessie’s Girl,” and “Stacy’s Mom” Are All the Same Person and Here’s Why

by JACK SHANE February 10, 2019

Before you write this off as the ramblings of a mad man, hear me out. These three songs were released in an order such that the “Sweet Caroline” that Neil Diamond sings about in 1969 is a baby, likely his niece or cousin. The lyrics of Diamond’s song are much less sexually charged than the other two, showing that they are likely about a baby “reaching out to him.” Let’s be honest, there is nothing cuter than babies reaching out. His phrasing implies that he is babysitting this baby as the night “don’t seem so lonely.” He even sings about how perfect it feels “when I’m holding you.” So, either Neil is having a nice moment with his infant niece, or he is fucking this baby. Moving on.

In 1981, Rick Springfield longs to be with his best friend’s girl who, you guessed it, is (probably) named Caroline. Assuming that Neil Diamond was babysitting her between the ages of two and five, Caroline would now be 14-17, perfect age for the girl mentioned in Springfield’s high school anthem. Springfield laments about how Jessie holds her at night, likely reminding her of how her favorite uncle or cousin used to hold her when she was a baby. Hot, right?

Twenty-two years later, in 2003, Fountains of Wayne released the classic hit “Stacy’s Mom” about the same girl. Now a woman in her late 30’s, Caroline has birthed a child, who she named Stacy. This daughter has a boyfriend who longs to see Caroline. According to Rick Springfield, Caroline is a beautiful lady, which this boy now sees as well, even 20 years later. Springfield also grieves over how Caroline looks at Jessie, similar in the way that she is said to stare at the boy mentioned by Fountains of Wayne.

Gritty Live-Action “Dora the Explorer” Reboot to Feature Man Who Teaches French As He Explores Every Inch of a Woman’s Body with His Tongue

by SWIPER THE FOX February 8, 2019

In the last few years, gritty reboots of once light-hearted shows such as “Sabrina the Teenage Witch” and “Power Rangers” have taken the world by storm. Turns out, there is a large market for TV resurrections that not only gut your childhood memories, but also piss on their grave. You might even be able to see a penis!

Now it’s everybody’s favorite condescending Latina’s turn. No, not Eva Longoria—Dora the Explorer! Except this time, Dora is Théodore, a sensual 5’4” Frenchman who explores every crevice of a voluptuous woman’s body, communicating with the audience under his breath as he lingers at each and every hole. Through his muttering, the audience learns the basics of the French language and the consequences of untreated late-stage syphilis.

The reboot is named “Théodore le explorateur et la femme rousse en forme de poire,” or in English, Théodore the Explorer and the Red-Haired Pear-Shaped Woman, and it debuts on HBO this spring. Jean-Luc Godard, the renowned filmmaker, called the program “the most titillating thing I’ve seen since I glimpsed Brigitte Bardot at Cannes tenderly applying sunscreen to her hairless cat.” Slavoj Žižek called it “underrated and surprisingly relatable.”

In one notable moment, as Théodore is pleasuring the woman, he begins repeating the word chatte, or “pussy.” Gradually, his voice becomes louder and he encourages the audience to yell along with him. The woman maintains a neutral expression. After the viewers have repeated the word sufficiently, the woman orgasms and Théodore looks directly into the camera while the screen fades to black. It’s a moment that is both emotional and educational.

Instead of Dora’s sidekick Boots, “Théodore le explorateur” features a totally hairless monkey named Sylvain. Generally, Sylvain sits in the background of each shot, eating shards of glass and drinking fine Burgundy wine, providing a humorous counterbalance to the action. Unfortunately, the monkey who plays Sylvain’s temperament was not to the director’s liking and his character gradually disappears over the course of the series.

Although the show is considered “completely child-friendly” in France, the BDSM scene had to be cut out before it was cleared for release in the United States with a PG rating from the MPAA.

Hintze Declares 2020 Presidential Bid

by THEO DANZIG February 7, 2019

On Wednesday, Bowdoin College Director of Student Activities Nate Hintze announced his candidacy for the 2020 Presidential Election. Speaking in Smith Union to a crowd of disinterested students who were really just trying to finish their homework before their class in 15 minutes, Hintze declared that if elected, he would take his philosophy of “creating safe, inclusive, and fun” spaces to the White House, along with his uncanny ability to make every interaction awkward. 

Continue reading “Hintze Declares 2020 Presidential Bid”

Frat Boi Who Unfollowed EDM Playlist Is Castrated

by ELIZA JEVON February 6, 2019

Chaz Johnson was once a loyal member of Sigma Phi. He did a keg stand at every meal, hooked up with the hottest of the Kappa Kappa Kappa Kappa Kappas, got decked out in hoodies and jerseys with his brothers, and thrashed around with them in dark dank basements in tandem movements they called dancing. But most importantly, he worshipped EDM. Zedd was his hero. Chaz, who has twice been to the doctor to address the continuous electronic beat pulsing in his left ear, said, “Despite the medical percussions [repercussions], no one can take EDM away from me.”

Albums upon albums of EDM dominated his Spotify account. As the vibe of the fraternity drastically changes from night to night, he needed to have a different playlist for each possible scene. He curated twelve playlists that were “totally different” from one another and “for sure unique.” “Body” is on all of them.

However, while Chaz claimed to be an EDM fan, his Spotify 2018 Wrapped report revealed otherwise. In reality, Chaz was in love with indie-folk. In his words, “There is something magical about creating music through blowing on grass and carving banjos out of trees.” The way the guitars strum together in perfect harmony reminded of him of his childhood, summering on Nantucket. He actually had plans to run away to California, live in a shack, and build up his own indie-folk music empire all on his own with an interest-free billion dollar loan from Daddy. Chaz was totally dedicated to this genre.

So one day, Chaz decided enough was enough. He would unfollow EDM and give his soul to the world of indie-folk. However, hours before Chaz boarded his first class flight to California (he needs extra leg room for his emotional support animal, Al the pygmy llama), Sigma Phi sacked him, tied him to a urinal, and offered him his weapon of choice. “You know the price,” they said in cult-like unison. Listening to anything other than the holy chants of EDM was sacrilegious. His fraternity brethren had not raised him this way. The years of not hazing Chaz was supposed to teach him that the only way to success was through EDM. It was the melody of the brotherhood.

Chaz had failed his brothers and, most importantly, failed himself. Castration was the only logical conclusion. He would never have an heir; he would never be able to create a sinful male child with an inherited distaste for EDM.

But it was all worth it. Chaz was off to study guitar and peace in Cali. Sigma Phi, like his college education, was “Lost in the Fire.” EDM, like what remained under his long-boarding shorts, would be just a small distant memory.

College Announces $3.7 Million Donation to Support H-L “Children’s Corner”

by WILL HAUSMANN February 5, 2019

Earlier this week, Bowdoin received an unconventional alumni donation. George Ross ‘87 will be donating $3.7 million to support what he claims is “an undeveloped and underutilized resource at Bowdoin”: the “Children’s Corner” in Hawthorne-Longfellow Library.

If you didn’t know Bowdoin had a section devoted to adolescent pleasure reading, you are not alone. The Children’s Corner, previously across from the main entrance to H-L, will undergo substantial changes after the exorbitant donation. Ross’ gift is expected to allow for the purchase of close to 17,000 new books for the Children’s Corner. The college plans to renovate the Shannon and Pickering Rooms in Hubbard hall to accommodate the expansion of the collection.

Ross stipulated in his donation that these new books should primarily be picture books and chapter books with at most 100 pages. He thought these books would be more appealing to the student population than other, more advanced options. On the topic of literacy discrimination at higher education institutions, Ross said, “It’s just crazy to me that the barely literate don’t receive more help at a school as inclusive as Bowdoin. I was lucky I played a sport. Also, what does ‘inclusive’ mean?”

Additionally, Ross claimed access to picture books was crucial to him finishing his English major. He stated, “I took a lot of classes where each student chose their own novels to read, so whenever an essay was assigned, I went right to the Corner and grabbed some Seuss or Silverstein or Dahl. You know, the classics.” Ross, who now somehow owns a publishing company, claimed these literary magnates developed his writing and rhetorical analysis skills. He believes his donation will help Bowdoin students experience the literary genius of Magic Treehouse and other modern masterpieces. “I read at roughly a 3rd grade level,” Ross added.

The donation will also create an endowed curator of the new and improved Children’s Corner. With a starting salary of $534,000, the Children’s Corner curator will be the 2nd highest paid college employee behind CIO Paula Volent. Applications are now available on JobX.

THE ORIENTAL EXPRESS (Week of Feb. 3): Bowdoin Pep Band Plays Timeless Classic Mo Bamba

FEB. 4, 2019

By Calderon McHuman and the Pied Piper (with Editorial Assistance from the Bowdoin Harpoon)

Here’s your rundown of marginally notable news that you “ABSOLUTELY NEED” to know this week from the Orient:

1. BOWDOIN PEP BAND PLAYS TIMELESS CLASSIC MO BAMBA

After a ten year hiatus, the pep band has returned to Bowdoin. The band’s former iteration was disbanded after controversy over anti-American sentiments (liking socialism before Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez made it cool). In an attempt to win back the Bowdoin community, the band played tunes such as Mo Bamba at last weekend’s hockey game. The pep band is welcoming to all, especially if you suck at music and just like to bang on drums.

Want to learn more (doubtful)??? Read the full article here.

2. BOWDOIN NORDIC BEAT TWO TEAMS?

After an absolutely grueling Maine State Championship (aka “The Chummy”) last weekend, Bowdoin Nordic was able to come out on top over a MASSIVE field of three teams and 52 athletes. A key for Bowdoin’s successful team this year is that they like skiing, sage analysis from the Orient sports desk.

Learn more about “The Chummy Broomhaha:” here.

3. POLAR BEARS (DON’T) MAUL MAMMOTHS

Attempted Puns by the Orient: 0; Paleozoology: 1

Although Polar Bears and Wooly Mammoths may have coexisted for over 100,000 years, Polar Bears rarely preyed upon the land mammals. Nonetheless, Bowdoin Basketball beat the team formerly known as the Lord Jeff Indian Killers, capitalizing on their “good old fashioned chutzpah.” And Randy Nichols nearly had an aneurysm over potential fire code violations.

Read more about “good old fashioned chutzpah” here.

4. IS LADD LAME?

For the second straight year as a senior only college house, Ladd has struggled to get applicants. Residential life has given rising seniors nearly a 2 MONTH extension to apply. However, it is unclear whether this policy of 2 month deadline extensions will be used elsewhere at the college.

Want a whole college house to yourself? Read more here.

5. WHEN IN DOUBT, BUILD MORE STUFF

The college announced this week they will be constructing two new buildings starting in 2020 : Mills Hall and a New Arctic Studies Center where the writers of the Orient might learn a thing or two about mammoths and polar bears. The new Arctic Studies Center will also give the Arctic Museum more space than a glorified closet. Larger lecture spaces in Mills hall should keep non-STEM students from being “intimidated” by Searles 315.

Learn more about building you’ll probably never use here.

Compiled by Will Hausmann

Love the Oriental Express? Share it with all your dad’s frat brothers!