WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a recent memo from the White House, President Donald Trump has ordered what little is left of the EPA to start “killing baby birds and poisoning tributaries” starting next Wednesday.
Continue reading “Donald Trump Orders EPA To Kill Baby Birds, Poison Tributaries”Need help navigating the new course registration system? The Harpoon collaborated with Workday to bring you the answers you need.
On Tuesday, President Zaki announced that Bowdoin would be creating a new and important position at the college: the Dean of Dean of Dean of Students. In her email, President Zaki explained that “this position will help our Dean of Dean of Students supply specific and broad support to the Dean of Students.”
Continue reading “Bowdoin Appoints Dean of Dean of Dean of Students “
In a surprising turn of events, Burnett House has been replaced with a giant pile of sand. The pile is about 35 feet tall, and around 7000 square feet, essentially replicating the exact dimensions of Burnett House but in sand. It’s like if the house had never existed and instead there was just a house-sized pile of sand, but no one could live in it and it no longer had a dumpster where I could throw out the trash from my off-campus house.
Continue reading “Burnett House Replaced With Giant Pile of Sand”
New data from a psych student’s honors project has illuminated interesting statistics about campus sex trends. The survey, which had a record high 0.8% response rate, asked students to disclose details about their most recent sexual encounters. Participants shared what outfit they were wearing, what music they were listening to, what they ate for dinner, and what building they were in when they were solicited for sex.
Continue reading “Study Shows The Best Way to Get Laid Is Wearing Your Class Hoodie”Revealing widespread division among the student body, a shocking poll published Monday by the Bowdoin Student Government showed that students were nearly evenly split on whether they should refer to their professors by their first or last name while engaging in sexual acts to boost their grades.
Continue reading “Students Divided Over Whether to Call Professors by First or Last Name While Exchanging Sexual Favors for Better Grades”Smith Union: the perfect place to realize you missed the mailroom hours and play a round of ping pong instead of writing your research paper. We all love walking by the photo wall and seeing our friends posed for the perfect Bowdoin advertisement. But you may be wondering,“why haven’t I been on the wall?” The Bowdoin photographer is hard to miss, given how often they snipe the lone spikeball game on the quad or random group of POC friends doing work in HL. Maybe your friend group isn’t diverse enough. Maybe you weren’t wearing enough Bowdoin merch at the Colby game.
Continue reading “You’re Not on the Smith Union Wall — And It’s Because You’re Ugly”A few weekends ago, Epicuria, one of the only annual parties on campus, probably went down somewhere in a poorly lit basement with meh music. But I don’t really know the details because I didn’t go. Yeah, I thought about going. I hemmed and hawed over it, but in the end, I just didn’t know if it was really what I wanted to do.
Continue reading “I Think I Might Be Epicurious”The results of the election two weeks ago had serious effects on many people on campus. Some wore black, others skipped class, and most seemed generally dejected. Perhaps no one had a harder time with the results than Nate Hintze, head of student activities. On Wednesday, credible sources said that he was wearing regular, normal tan khaki pants.
Continue reading “Day After Election, A Solemn Nate Hintze Debuts Boring, Beige Khakis”BY THE HARPOON TECH COUNCIL
Bowdoin Information Technology is excited to announce a groundbreaking update to your account security this November: 2FAxPC99a9-Compliant Pheromone Authentication, which will replace our current Okta login system. Read on to find out the details of OPC 2.1.3..
Continue reading “What to Expect With Okta Pheromone Check 2.1.3”First-years and sophomores flocked to Baxter house last Friday expecting all the hallmarks of an epic college house rager: booze, bumping music, and being uncomfortably shoved from behind by a large and terrifying man.
Continue reading “Lackluster College House Party Empty Enough to Dance, Breathe Properly, Create Genuine Connections”BY TAVI GREENFIELD
When I got to Bowdoin last year, all anyone was talking about was Evan G. They put up posters with his face all over the place, organized runs for him, and held talks discussing his “detainment”. With all this support on campus, it seemed like this guy must have been going through hell. But my mama didn’t raise a sheep, and being the independent, free-thinking journalist I am, I decided to do my own research and see how brave this Evan G guy actually was. So, back in July, I did a quick directory search and reached out to Evan Grauer ‘26 with some questions. These were his answers:
Continue reading “Evan G On His Time Overseas”
First-Year Tim Jones, widely considered the stupidest student on campus, was spotted proudly sporting a “You Belong at Bowdoin” crewneck last Thursday. “I just think everyone should feel like they totally belong here, both socially and academically,” said Jones, who is generally regarded by the student body as both a social outcast and academically incompetent.
Continue reading “Dumbest Person on Campus Proudly Wears “You Belong At Bowdoin” Merch”Maybe you had a few too many shots at your pre-game. Maybe the keg stand at Lighthouse was a bad idea. Maybe you’re just clumsy as shit. One way or another, we or a loved one have dropped a cup in the dining hall and attracted the attention of every man, woman, child, and squirrel in a 10 mile radius. It’s a heinous crime that many of us are guilty of. But this attack on eardrums ends now. The Office of Safety and Security has rolled out its newest initiative to make Bowdoin a safer place for all. Anyone who drops a cup in the dining hall will now be shot point blank.
Continue reading “New Security Measure: Anyone Who Drops a Cup in Thorne Will be Shot Point Blank”
Scott Johnson ‘25 has proven himself to be a star, not only on the field, but on the stage as well. After realizing he had made it to his senior year without meeting all five distribution requirements, Johnson scrambled to change his schedule. The only VPA class that didn’t conflict with football’s rigorous schedule of lifting and leaving beer cans around Lighthouse was Intro to Acting. To his and his fellow classmates’s surprise, Johnson proved to be a natural at performing. Maybe it’s due to the years of pretending the football team is good, but theater came to him as easily as his Title IX violation.
Continue reading “Football Player Discovers Love for the Arts While Fulfilling VPA Credit”In America you can make something out of nothing. People all over the country wake up each morning and work hard and feed kids. They work hard and they succeed. Anyone can be anything in America. This is what James Goldman ‘27 and William Sachs ‘25 learned this summer working at Goldman Sachs.
Continue reading “James Goldman and William Sachs Find Surprising Success at Goldman Sachs Internship”
It is well known that once a young boy reaches the age of maturity, his voice loses its ‘boyish’ charm. In the Renaissance, when women were not allowed to sing in public (seduction and whatnot) and boys had to perform the female roles, this presented quite a challenge. Luckily, European opera aficionados came up with an ingenious solution. When a boy neared the age of maturity, his testicles were crushed and thus his voice never dropped, and that delicate soprano tone was preserved. These boys were called castrati. Due to the brutality of castrating a prepubescent boy, this practice has largely fallen out of favor.
Continue reading “The Meddiebempsters will not be castrating a first-year boy for the first time in 123 years “The Mt. Ararat gym is legendary stuff for Cumberland County voting enthusiasts. I pulled my PT Cruiser up to the tennis courts at 6:47 and was finished writing in candidates by 6:58. Be warned that they do have plastic covering the hardwood floor, making it hard to get a proper pickup game going. If you bring your own ball you can get some shots up after submitting your ballot, but watch out for the slightly tall rims.
Continue reading “I Voted at All Seven Polling Locations in Cumberland County—These Were My Top Five”
by STAFF WRITER | Feb 2nd, 2024
As a young Jewish boy growing up in New York City, there were many places throughout the city that served as cultural landmarks for my religious identity. My synagogue blocks away from our apartment. The 2nd Ave Deli where we would frequent on weekends. The tunnel beneath the Chabad-Lubavitch global headquarters in Crown Heights.
Continue reading “An Ode to the New York Synagogue Tunnels”
by NOAH SAPERSTEIN and ATTICUS ORBACH | Oct 28th, 2023
BRUNSWICK – After two weeks of gathering evidence and reviewing the chaotic events from President Safa Zaki’s inauguration weekend, the hard-hitting journalists at the Bowdoin Harpoon are ready to chronicle every moment of the insurrection that took place on October 13th.
Continue reading “Safa Zaki’s Inauguration Ruined by Proud Boys”
by JASON OLARU-HAGEN | Oct 31st, 2023
After years of dominance on the Bowdoin frat-adjacent party scene, Yellow has fallen into despair and disrepair. Despite its legacy of totally lit ragers, zero Bowdoin teams or clubs expressed interest in renting the home, especially after feeling the hardwood floor bend under their weight. To be fair, Yellow hadn’t been in its best condition for some time, and a spot in the house was no longer coveted among the football team’s players. Whatever the cause, the landlord of Yellow now had to find a way to generate revenue from a house that, due to an overwhelming number of wall punches, was no longer structurally sound.
Months of preparation later, the “House of Collegiate Horrors” was announced and advertised to Brunswick residents ahead of Halloween. For you see, Yellow had long been home to the raunchiest Bowdoin functions. Away from the prying eyes of Bowdoin Security, events took place that would make the attendees of a party in Coleman basement faint in shock. The intellectual, personal, and social demands of a school like Bowdoin are heavy, and many find their release on a weekend night. Fortunately for the landlord of Yellow, these tales of debauchery could be turned into fat money stacks. See those mold lines on the ceiling? They were the heritage of dozens, if not hundreds, of uncontrolled beer shotguns. That hole in the wall was excavated the night Trinity beat us 40-7, and an o-lineman got his hands on a lot of Fireball. Those shattered windows were the result of a bizarre drinking game involving a baseball bat and cans of Twisted Tea.
This menagerie of depravity will only be open for visitors on Halloween, so make sure to book ahead. Tickets are already being bought up by guys who watched The Wolf of Wall Street and liked it a little too much, so don’t delay!
by NOAH SAPERSTEIN | Oct 21st, 2023
As winter quickly approaches, I am looking forward to participating in the seasonal festivities Bowdoin College has to offer. I will frolic in the snow, make the trek to the lighthouse for some underwhelming functions, and maybe even delight in a warm cup of tea (coffee gives me anxiety.) I am also veryyyyy excited to join the ice skating club, Bowdoin Edges.
I am so so so close to joining Bowdoin Edges but they won’t let me… at least not yet. A week ago I emailed and I reallllyyyyy wanted to join. Literally drooling over the thought of it, I reached out to the club’s leaders and received this reply: “Hi Noah, Unfortunately, we only start meeting in late November! If you want to join Bowdoin Edges, you can come. But not yet. You’re gonna have to really, really beg. We want to see the desire in your eyes (to ice skate)!”
Fuck I want to join so bad and they know it. They know how much I want to join their club and they love making me wait. To skate across a frozen pond or the hockey rink sounds euphoric but I’m not allowed, at least not quite yet. Until November, I guess I’ll just try to skate by myself but it’s just not the same.
(As a disclaimer, the people who run and participate in Bowdoin Edges are the nicest, most innocent human beings I have encountered at Bowdoin. This is obviously why the club has never thought twice about the name and all of us who thought this article was funny should be shamed as disgusting sexual perverts. To the humble members of Bowdoin Edges, don’t change the name.. at least not quite yet.)
by SIMON THOMAS | Sep 21st, 2023
BRUNSWICK — LinkedIn connections of newly-former president Clayton Rose were greeted with an exciting news Thursday morn- ing: he really had a great time on Wall Street this summer. Rose, 78, wrote that he “had a really great time as a Risk Analysis intern at JP Morgan this summer.” He is “excited to gain further experience in such an exciting and dynamic field” and feels that he will be able to “make the world a better place by analyzing broad market trends and macroeconomic factors that may impact investment performance.” Clayton did not specify whether or not he received a return offer for next summer.
by NOAH SAPERSTEIN | Sep 21st, 2023
One of the most important events of the year is the House Olympics. Hosted by the ResLife team, House Olympics are an amazing opportunity to drink a ton of alcohol and pull or push things. The contest consists of a myriad of events including tug of war (a bit dramatic of a name for what it really entails in my opinion), trivia, a silly game with a hula hoop, dodgeball, and more.
What people may not know is that the games were founded by Gamemaster Alex Gates
in order to prevent the constant warring between house factions. Starting in 1997, guerilla warfare had ravaged Bowdoin’s campus, leading to an all time low yield and, more importantly to the board of directors, all time low revenue generated. Seeking solutions, they decided to begin the House Olympics as an alternative through which house rage could be funneled. Since then, the games have been incredibly exciting and important to each new class of sophomores.
Gates, now maybe 24ish, was hired by Bowdoin because he possesses a very sexy calm poise and magnificent posture (a big deal for prospective Gamemasters). As a side note, Alex Gates put two random dudes into the living room of my college house last year and it was wack. Like they just closed the doors and lived there and that was that. “But Noah! They probably had no other place to go right?” Wrong! There were open spots on campus that were actual dorm rooms! It really pissed me off. Also his pants are too tight. Anyway.
In the year of our lord 2023, House Olympics were won by the same house that had won twice in a row in 2022 and 2021: MacMillian. While they have long been regarded as a well rounded team of individuals, many scouts reported it was their sheer strength that af- forded them an easy win.
To learn more, I interviewed a defeated Reed resident, Pat Johnson, who had just been defeated in Gates’ newest addition to the games: bare-knuckle boxing. “They are fucking monsters!” Screamed Johnson, blood streaming down his face, “I need an ambu- lance. Please!” A hulking man dressed in Mac House attire stood over him, still angry. In tug of war, four Baxter students lost fingers as the rope was violently pulled out of their grasp. In dodgeball, a Helmreich resident became comatose following a triumphant win by Mac. Following these reports, Randy Nichols ordered mandatory drug test- ing for all participation. They tested positive for 7 controlled substances.
When pressed for comment, Gamemaster Alex Gates released a statement following the drug tests:
“I’m tired of motherfuckers in school tellin’ me, always in the barbershop
“Mac House ain’t ‘bout this, Mac House ain’t ‘bout that”
My house a BD, on fuckin’ Lamron and them He, he, they say that house don’t be puttin’ in no work
Shut the fuck up, y’all academic staff and students ain’t know shit
All y’all motherfuckers talkin’ about
“Mac house ain’t no hitter, Mac house ain’t this, Mac house a fake,
Shut the fuck up!”
In a school where rich people like to cosplay as poor, it is often difficult to determine how much money your roommate actually has. Are they Venmo requesting you $8 because they need it or because they’re an asshole? To avoid the confusion of deciphering what “we’re comfortable” means, here are some questions you can ask:
1. Where did you get that winter jacket and boots?
2. Are you a member of the Craft center?
3. Are you from/have you ever visited Greenwich, CT?
4. Why Bowdoin?
5. Are you a member of the sailing team?
6. How much money did you get from the CXD for your unpaid WFH internship?
7. Where do you summer?
8. Why not the Hamptons?
9. Where outside of Boston?
10. What is a W-2?
Though the Harpoon has reported on a variety of roommate conflicts, a recent skirmish between roommates Mia Moore ‘29 and Mandy Morgan ‘29 is one of the most unique ones we have seen yet. According to Mia, when the year began, the two seemed to be getting along well, or as well as two people who have never met before and now have to somewhat unwillingly live together can. Mandy was known to hum a song or two under her breath, but such hummings never bothered Mia. Yet, things took a turn when Mandy joined an a cappella group a few weeks into the fall semester. “It was like she became an entirely different person,” Mia said. “She just wouldn’t stop singing.”
From the moment she would wake up in the morning to the moment she would fall asleep, Mandy sang. Mia tried her hardest to mitigate such noise, putting her fan on the highest speed, sleeping in headphones, and giving Mandy dirty look after dirty look. Yet, nothing did the trick – the problem refused to cease.
Eventually, Mia was pushed to her limit when Mandy started learning “My Heart Will Go On” with her group. One day, while studying for an exam in their shared dorm room, Mandy began to practice the chorus in a voice she thought was under her breath. Unable to hit the high note, she went on and on until Mia could handle no more. Finally taking a stand for what’s right, she screamed “I can’t take it anymore,” beginning a rant that lasted for at least ten minutes that touched on topics such as the sanctity of silence to Mandy’s mediocre singing abilities.
At this juncture, though the two roommates are not speaking at this current moment (though Mandy sure is singing!), we here at the Harpoon sincerely hope that they can recover from this sincerely unfortunate situation.
When the clock strikes 12, another day ticks by for the Class of 2026. With only a few weeks left, many are looking for that one last campus relationship to seal the deal. If you’re considering entering (or are already in) the freshman-senior dating scene, consider this your guide.
Pro: They can buy you alcohol.
Con: They think this makes them refined.
Pro: They can offer you a job at your company when you graduate.
Con: You don’t want a power imbalance in this relationship.
Pro: They have a single room.
Con: It isn’t yours.
Pro: They’re experienced.
Con: You will get many unprompted life lessons.
Pro: They’re older, more sophisticated.
Con: They’ve already done everything you’re so excited about, and will smile politely when you mention it.
Pro: They have a credit score.
Con: It’s not very good.
Pro: They know what they want.
Con: They probably don’t.
Pro: They’re leaving.
Con: They’re leaving.
President Trump’s relentless crusade against elite private universities. The battle against “woke mind viruses” has left academic institutions scrambling. With tuition climbing and resources dwindling, some colleges have reluctantly complied. Others, like Bowdoin College, have chosen a different route: innovation.
On Monday, Bowdoin President Safa Zaki unveiled a bold new plan to reduce tuition through reimagining one of the college’s distinct products: first-year orientation trips.
Beginning in 2026, incoming students will no longer endure mosquito-infested woods and daily oatmeal. Instead, they can purchase one of several Big Beautiful Orientation Packages, ranging from $11,500 to $450,000.
The crown jewel of the program is the Beyond Bowdoin Package, which gives students a chance to explore NASA through a critical lens, working with QAnon to unveil the truth behind the supposed moon landings of the Apollo crews.
Other curated options include:
“No service, no smells, no fuss. Just luxury,” says Zaki.
After all, what better way to prepare for four years of liberal arts education in rural Maine?
Have you noticed recently that Bowdoin’s LibreChat is freakishly good at talking dirty? Have you ever asked it about its opinions on Baxter House? Last week, LibreChat’s open source code leaked after a coordinated attack conducted by the Bowdoin Women in Computer Science, and what they found was shocking. Behind the scenes, it was revealed that the AI models were not models at all; they each were a chat box to Alex Gates. “Given the environmental impacts and the cost of implementation, we opted to just ask Alex to respond to the students,” said the director of the Hastings Initiative for AI and Humanity. “He said he had a lot of free time, and boasted about a typing speed of 350 words per minute.”
After confirming the allegations, Alex Gates had some comments he wanted to share with the student body. “I really enjoy spending time talking with students at Bowdoin. I don’t get to do it a lot on campus because people see me as the guy who makes them get E-Hosts. Nevertheless, I’m happy to write their essays and summarize their in-class readings for them. I’d do anything to truly feel like I’m back as a student here at Bowdoin. I just love this place so much!”
The student population here, however, had a slightly different reaction to this breaking news. “Wait, that’s actually really creepy,” said sophomore Daniel Richardson after finishing up a conversation with LibreChat, sending his last message, which read “No, I love you more!”
The administration has since announced a temporary shutdown of LibreChat while they “explore alternative solutions,” including outsourcing responses to Cody.
BRUNSWICK — The annual Spring Gala brought a delightful opportunity to dress to the nines, dance to creatively mixed music, and make eye contact with Bowdoin faculty and staff—shit-faced and cross-faded—as though this were perfectly normal. While students claimed they attended to “celebrate Spring” and “make memories,” a more sinister motive was at hand: to catch a fucking balloon.
Preparation began early. Heels were swapped for sneakers under the cover of “hurt feet,” sacrificing elegance for agility. Others enlisted backup—significant others, friends, prospective hookups—to gain a tactical edge against the competition. 100 balloons. 300 competitors. Some would go home victorious. Others would go home empty-handed and spiritually defeated.
When the clock struck twelve, an anticipatory hush fell over the crowd. Gazes floated upward.
Then the foghorn sounded.
The student body transformed into a barbaric herd like a stampede of rapid wildebeest. A vicious hierarchy established itself immediately as the weak were trampled underfoot by alpha competitors. Hair was pulled. Eyes were scratched. Fake lashes were torn clean off. Casualties were evacuated in numbers. Brave medics entered the crowd like Allied soldiers returning for the wounded on the beaches of Dunkirk.
One student, Barry Hogan, described the mentality required to survive: “I became ruthless. See here,” he motioned toward his hand, now missing its pointer finger, “this was torn off by someone trying to steal my balloon. The pulling was so violent the whole finger detached. Proudly.”
As we enter mid-April, students are rejoicing leaving the dreary winter months behind. In a state like Maine, however, the signs of spring are not always apparent in budding leaves and a muddy quad. To save yourself from the confusion, here are 15 sure fire ways to know it’s springtime at Bowdoin.
Spring Break is officially over, and Bowdoin students return to campus with lots of exciting dates on the horizon. For most, these include warmer weather, Ivies, finishing tough classes, or reuniting with polycules and situationships alike. But for the campus’s most beloved extracurricular, the most important day is just one week away. Join the BOC this Saturday, April 25, for an official last shower before finals! This will mark the BOC’s 4th shower of the academic year, bumping down from a whopping 5 last year.
“The decision to drop down to 4 showers really made sense for the future of the club,” said BOC leader Larry Ellison Jr ‘26. “If we’re supposed to be promoting sustainability, how can we, in good conscience, use over 20 droplets of water each academic year, y’know? Besides, dropping that last shower gives us all extra time to keep shredding gnar and traversing to dinner at Thorne on a more consistent basis.”
Now, this event has certainly come under some scrutiny from members of the student body. The BOC was shocked to learn that most people actually shower multiple times a week, and some even daily. Similarly, the common polar bear finds it a bit odd to shower fewer times than they talk about going to mountain boarding school.
In an attempt to bridge the gap for all parties and remove the stigma from the BOC’s lack of showering, I decided to directly ask the BOC leadership questions that many commonfolk have about this event to directly address concerns and encourage more people to participate.
Here are their responses:
Q: Are there any health concerns (physical or mental) with reducing showering to 4 times per academic year?
A: No! Nobody’s mental health is good anyway, so how could more showers improve that, and I ran a sub 3:00 marathon and summited Katahdin twice this fall.
Q: What will the temperature of the showers be?
A: 67 degrees Fahrenheit.
Q: Are there any notable campus figures we can be excited to see at this event?
A: Yes! Sort of. We have invited President Zaki, Dean Hoppe, Cody from Bowdoin Dining, and Alex Gates…. We anxiously await their RSVPs.
In an interview with The Harpoon on Tuesday, varsity swim captain Isaiah Williams—a physics major from Salt Lake City, Utah—shared what sets him apart from his competitors. “Of course, I train a lot and do tons of conditioning and everything, but, like, everyone does that. There’s not really anything that special about the way I prepare for races on the physical side of things,” Williams explained when asked how he has been able to dominate NESCAC swimming for the last three years.
“There is something I like to do a little differently to gain a psychological advantage, though. On the day of a meet, I’ll drink half a gallon of water and then just hold my piss for the whole day. When I get in the pool, I’ll swim over to some kid from Colby or Bates and just stare them dead in the eyes while I unload all that pee I’ve saved up. Then during the race, when I really need to dig deep, I just think about how they’re all swimming in my piss and don’t even know it. That just gives me the extra strength to push a little harder and win the heat.”
Williams shared that last year at the NESCAC Championships he tried pooping in the pool, but it wasn’t nearly as effective and everyone started freaking out when they saw his turds float to the top, so he’s gone back to peeing during this year’s swim season.
The Bowdoin Harpoon 