by JOHN BORIS RANDALL | February 19th, 2023

With a new semester upon us here at Bowdoin, we are experiencing many of the common seasonal changes that New England is famed for. Blankets of white snow cover the campus, overpriced Canada Goose jackets emerge from the closets, and a new class of sophomore women have cast aside their emotionally unavailable athlete exes for horribly manipulative NARP men. A strange and consistent seasonal trend, somehow but inexplicably related to the phenomenon known as “cuffing season”, this dating migration has long been a rite of passage for the women of Bowdoin college. Fortunately, thanks to the wise guidance of our very own Harpoon science research team, we may finally understand more about this understudied pattern. 

From the moment they step foot on campus, the women of Bowdoin are cast into a melting pot of the most vile men this cruel world has to offer, and some seemingly harmless but unathletic men. Are there some good ones in the mix? No, there are not. Everyone is a piece of shit. However, the dating patterns seem to consistently follow the timeline listed below.

About three weeks into school, the average Bowdoin woman has already had an awkward hookup with some quiet nice-guys-finish-last guy on her O-Trip. He will be the kindest man she meets for the next three years. Shortly thereafter, the vast majority seem to end up staying the night at an athlete’s residence instead of her own, even after​ The Intimacy. Does he say nice things to her? No. Is he kind and caring? No. Is he in touch with his feelings and able to communicate those feelings clearly? He once cried at age four but then his dad told him to grow up and he has never been the same. Nevertheless, after a few more “nights” of passionless sex, a beautiful couple is born. 

This will often continue until the late spring of her first year when she realizes that she is bored. After the four official and three unofficial concussions sustained, he has become a husk of a person with an intellectual capacity limited to copying ECON1101 homework answers. She will then leave him, ready to grow up and find someone who’s in touch with his feelings (of general disdain for women) and intelligent (enough to manipulate her for months).

After a summer of hook-ups, it’s time for a new partner. No longer does the average Bowdoin gal lust for the simplicity of an athlete with CTE, but she instead dreams of that one hilarious NARP who is rude and mean to everyone but her. She knows she can fix him and unlock his true soft nature. According to preliminary research, her inner narrative concerning this NARP is a complex but necessary lie allowing her to cope with the fact that he is evil and enjoys toying with her emotions in order to get whatever he wants out of the relationship. While his wit and irresistibly cute curly hair may at first deceive onlookers, do not be fooled. That gangly motherfucker knows what he is doing and he is the black-belt of female manipulation. While the athlete phase typically lasts for about one year, emotionally manipulative NARP men are much more tactful, allowing them to stick around far longer. Even his painted nails are a calculated move: she may think she’s been lucky enough to pull a soft and gender-affirming bisexual, but the nails are just a tactical ploy to convince her he’s in touch with his feminine side. In reality, he’s as misogynist as they come (and he’ll certainly never make her come). Queerbaiting has finally made it from the screen to the bedroom.

Now, given what is thus far known about this manipulative NARP man, one might be asking oneself: why on earth would anyone pursue such a man? But look no further than what we have termed the “Pete Davidson Phenomenon” to demonstrate the allure of the shockingly unathletic man/racoon hybrid. On the surface, there may be literally nothing appealing about this man, but it’s what’s beneath the outer layers that is enticing. His icy exterior belies a heart of gold. Just kidding–it’s the fact that he’s more well-endowed than Bowdoin College. Probably. We’re not really sure. But what else could possibly explain why the hottest sophomore girl you know is dating a glorified piece of celery with the constitution of the average 1840s Irish potato famine victim?

If you or a loved one has been in close proximity to either type of man described above, please know that all hope is not lost. We at the Harpoon love you and actually view you as a real person with important opinions and emotions. To fill the void he created, maybe write an article or two? That or reach out to 1-800-OUTOFHISLEAGUE. There is hope and someday maybe you too can be treated like an actual human being. 

By A bitter 7 year old Jewish kid or Noah Saperstein

While many Santa-truthers may claim he is real and he gives them presents and he visits every home on Christmas, applying facts and logic reveals that these sheepole are sorely mistaken. In this article, I will lay out my highly researched reasons behind why Santa is a lie created by the big Christmas media to continue enslaving your mind. Wake up my fellow skeptics, a new dawn has set on the Santa empire.

1. No one can go that fast, especially being pulled by a bunch of reindeer. For starters, reindeer can’t fly. According to Live Science, a website that kinda knows what the fuck it is talking about, they have four legs and antlers and snouts but they do not have the ability to fly. Besides knowing they can’t fly because I looked at a website that literally has science in the name, we must consider the slippery slope that will occur if we continue to let our feeble brains believe this lie. This would be a disaster. In fact, according to the voices in my head, this would destroy the American job market and possibly risk total human extinction. But don’t just take my word for it, take Thurgood Marshall’s. In his famous fiery dissent in the now landmark case Giftless Jewish Boys LLC v. New York, he wrote, “… Now on the matter of reindeer. They can’t fly and if we keep believing this bullshit then nothing good awaits us. The precedent is clear; we must abandon this erroneous theory.” While the conservative bloc of justices voted to continue to prop up the Christmas conspiracy, this dissent would inspire many young men and women to take up arms in the War of Christmas (see other articles). Anyway, the point is he can’t go that fast, reindeer can’t fly and the Supreme Court is leading this nation down a dark road of legal precedent that will cement us into a second coming of the dark ages. 
2. Santa would not survive the American South. There are few things a redneck in rural Mississippi loves more than an unarmed home invader, especially one with the pure surface area that Santa apparently has. The speculative idea that this fat fucker could just slip on down the chimney and not get riddled with bullets from a 38 year old conservative man named Beau is absurd. Keep in mind these 2nd amendment-loving family men would know exactly when and where Santa would enter, allowing them plenty of time to prepare. With multiple states having castle doctrine in place, there would also be no legal repercussions for absolutely mutilating Santa with a hellfire of buckshot. Now, I can buy the argument that Santa would survive some homes because he is similar in stature and energy to most people in the south (morbidly obese, visibly old, Christian, White, and male), but no way he would make it out every house. Not to mention, these poor fuckers don’t even own homes big enough to have a chimney. What’s he gonna do, go through the exhaust pipe on their mobile home? It’s ridiculous frankly.
3. The Cookie Dilemma. There are over 2.2 billion Christians in the world. Assuming an average household size of 4.9 people per household internationally, this comes out to 448,979,591.837 households for Santa to visit. While the average caloric count in a chocolate chip cookie is relatively low (at about 70 calories each), assuming that Santa takes at least one bite of a cookie (bite in this instance constitutes 40% of a cooke, or 28 calories) this amounts to 12,571,428,571.4 calories in one night (not to mention 808,163,265.307 g fat, 9,877,551,020.41 mg sodium, 161,632,653.061 g protein and 6,285,714,285.72 mg potassium). This amounts to 14,610,793.65 kilowatt hours, or a little over the amount of power that the average nuclear power plant produces in one day (104.601901853% of the output over a 24 hour period to be exact). Also, with a typical lethal dose of 7200 mg of potassium per 1kg, these cookies could stop the heart of 5135.38748833 average sized adult gorillas, more than the total wild population of Easter Lowland Gorillas in the world. I’m just saying, it seems a bit far-fetched.
4. Santa would need to hate poor people. Let’s be real, poor kids get worse presents. From socks to nothing, gifts strongly correlate with the wealth of parents. If Santa really exists and is supposed to love all kids the same, why would he hate the poor kids so much? Ridiculous. Either Santa is an evil capitalist pig who wishes poverty on even the best little children or he does not exist.
5. Santa would need a crazy visa to get through Russia during times like these.
6. Santa never gave me presents and I was always a good little boy. Good little boys should get presents.

By Jonathan Lerdau

The elderly of Brunswick have lived in comfort for too long, have used our space for their meditation practices for far too long. Someone has to step up and be the change, and I’m not afraid to commit assault(in a really cool-looking way) to do so. And I feel confident I could pull it off, too. The average age of the group is like 85, and they can barely walk, let alone stand up to me in a one-on-one, no holds barred cage match. Tai Chi is meant for relaxation and centering oneself, not brutal hand-to-hand combat with someone younger and fitter than them and willing to fight extremely dirty if I have to(I Will bring a knife). Maybe if you got them to all gather up around me and it was one of the days where they had staff, maybe then they’d have a chance. Otherwise I’m going Sophomore-on-Randy-Nichols on their asses. Check it out, I’ll even give a play-by-play of how it would go down.

First off I’d walk up to them saying “Yeah you old fucks, what the fuck is up? You’re not so tough with that slow-motion shit!” I’d probably have to say this a few times though, because of the whole old thing. Then, when their age-fogged minds finally figure out what I’m saying one of them would probably say something really offensive but utterly unrelated to my previous comment, and then we would square up and prepare for warfare.

They’d be trying their stupid fucking breathing exercises and BAM, roundhouse kick to the throat. They’re on the ground; 1…2…3… It’s over!. Easy as that. 

By Alex Wiseman

St. Louis, Missouri – An illegal immigrant named Santa Claus was detained and deported following a home break-in in St. Louis. 

Mr. Claus, age ∞, was arrested following a call from a local homeowner who noticed him trying to break into a neighbor’s house through a chimney. Further investigation determined that Mr. Claus had crossed the US northern border earlier that night, illegally flying over it without passing through customs to work as a gift giver. He was deported, and his pet reindeer, which had also crossed illegally, were confiscated and subsequently euthanized by local animal control. 

Audrey Murray, a local mother of two, was relieved by the news that Mr. Claus had been detained. “Breaking into houses where children reside is targeting children maliciously. It’s a relief that one of these child-threatening illegal immigrants is off the streets.”

The American Postal Workers Union also praised the arrest, stating, “Illegal Immigrants delivering gifts takes away key jobs for local post office workers. This arrest is a victory for postal workers across the country as it assures that a child’s present will be delivered two days late between the most inconvenient times for the parent while they are out working or shopping and that they will have to go to a local post office to pick up their parcel.”

The Department of Justice is also investigating Mr. Claus and his workshop for illegally producing and supplying coal and lawn darts to Russia during the ongoing sanctions. Attorney General Merrick Garland said in a Press Conference earlier this afternoon that “Santa Claus refuses to obey US sanctions by supplying coal and dangerous weapons for its ongoing war in Ukraine. His history of dangerous behavior in the United States means he is a national security risk.”

Mr. Claus issues a statement through his lawyer saying that “due to recent action against him by the United States, the entire country would be on the naughty list next Christmas.”

By Simon Thomas, HFG Lead Executive Board Member Analyst

For the past 228 years at Bowdoin College, the institution has been without any notable finance-focused organizations. We at the Harpoon are seeking to change that, with the creation of the Harpoon Financial Group. The HFG Weekly will provide students with the finest financial content on campus (Except for during non-leap years, when the Weekly will be published once per year). The HFG is deeply committed to the common good; benefiting the campus community by increasing financial literacy, and benefiting me, since I can list my profession as an analyst on LinkedIn.

Below are some hot investing tips compiled by our most senior analysts:

• Pabst Blue Ribbon – Buy
  • I mean there’s literally a blue ribbon.
• Polar Investment Club — Sell
  • Despite the name, the PIC doesn’t actually invest. Or really seem to do anything. I asked my friend, and he said something about networking. HFG Analysts concluded the whole thing seems like a Student Activities Fund embezzlement scheme.
• Crude Oil – Buy
  • This one’s pretty obvious.
• Goldman Sachs – Buy
  • I’m deep into internship talks for next summer.
• Bowdoin Orient – Sell
  • Despite the financial promise of the print journalism sector, the Orient has been struggling to find readership. It looks like they let pretty much anyone write an opinion article.