Opinion: I’m Rudolph the Red State Reindeer And I’ve Had Enough

By Rudolph (Jason Olaru-Hagen)

I’m tired of this left-wing liberal bullshit. Every year they try to take Christmas away. I used to think everybody loved Christmas. And they should, I work so hard so they can all have their presents. Nobody understands how stressful it is guiding a sleigh with four billion packages through a storm with just a stupid tiny red light on your nose. Nobody ever asks me how I do it. Nobody ever wonders what years of all the other reindeer laughing and calling me names has done to my psyche. Nobody cares. But I still go out and light the way every year because every child deserves the magic of gift-giving. Then I saw Bill O’Reilly’s report on the War on Christmas. I wasn’t a big Fox News guy before that – I would just put it on when CNN did a boring special on some bullshit Jake Tapper likes. But that was the first time a news anchor really spoke to me. I was shocked that there were actually anti-Christmas people. Like Starbucks and their fucking “holiday” cups. Well, St. Patrick’s Day is a holiday. Halloween is a holiday. But the cups are red and green, so they aren’t for those other fucking holidays, they’re for CHRISTMAS.

When I try to talk to Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen about this stuff all of them look at me like I’m crazy. They say I should stop watching so much TV. That plenty of young boys and girls all over the world still have Christmas cheer, and that the winter holidays of all ethnic and religious traditions should be treated equally. That’s how I know that the fake news media has already gotten to them. I’ve tried my best to help them understand. I talked to Donner about how communist principles are giving kids detention for wearing ugly Christmas sweaters to class. I told Prancer that blue-haired feminists are trying to cancel mistletoes. But they just try to change the subject everytime I bring something like that up. This week was the last fucking straw. On Tuesday I was heading back to the stable after work and I overheard Comet and Cupid talking about Kanye’s appearance on Alex Jones. Comet said something like “I don’t understand how anybody can listen to his music anymore” and Cupid agreed and said that Kanye is a Nazi. Follow God is one of my favorite albums so hearing that shit pissed me off. I’m like, “Did you actually listen to the interview? He said he has love for EVERYONE man, Nazi or Jew. What’s wrong with that?” I think I made a great point, but now it looks like I’m not getting invited to Christmas dinner with Santa and all the reindeer! Well, if they don’t want to spend time with me I’ve got tons of friends on Discord who’d love to hang out with Rudolph the fucking Reindeer!

Listen Up You Little Shit. Santa Isn’t Real

By A bitter 7 year old Jewish kid or Noah Saperstein

While many Santa-truthers may claim he is real and he gives them presents and he visits every home on Christmas, applying facts and logic reveals that these sheepole are sorely mistaken. In this article, I will lay out my highly researched reasons behind why Santa is a lie created by the big Christmas media to continue enslaving your mind. Wake up my fellow skeptics, a new dawn has set on the Santa empire.

  1. No one can go that fast, especially being pulled by a bunch of reindeer. For starters, reindeer can’t fly. According to Live Science, a website that kinda knows what the fuck it is talking about, they have four legs and antlers and snouts but they do not have the ability to fly. Besides knowing they can’t fly because I looked at a website that literally has science in the name, we must consider the slippery slope that will occur if we continue to let our feeble brains believe this lie. This would be a disaster. In fact, according to the voices in my head, this would destroy the American job market and possibly risk total human extinction. But don’t just take my word for it, take Thurgood Marshall’s. In his famous fiery dissent in the now landmark case Giftless Jewish Boys LLC v. New York, he wrote, “… Now on the matter of reindeer. They can’t fly and if we keep believing this bullshit then nothing good awaits us. The precedent is clear; we must abandon this erroneous theory.” While the conservative bloc of justices voted to continue to prop up the Christmas conspiracy, this dissent would inspire many young men and women to take up arms in the War of Christmas (see other articles). Anyway, the point is he can’t go that fast, reindeer can’t fly and the Supreme Court is leading this nation down a dark road of legal precedent that will cement us into a second coming of the dark ages. 
  2. Santa would not survive the American South. There are few things a redneck in rural Mississippi loves more than an unarmed home invader, especially one with the pure surface area that Santa apparently has. The speculative idea that this fat fucker could just slip on down the chimney and not get riddled with bullets from a 38 year old conservative man named Beau is absurd. Keep in mind these 2nd amendment-loving family men would know exactly when and where Santa would enter, allowing them plenty of time to prepare. With multiple states having castle doctrine in place, there would also be no legal repercussions for absolutely mutilating Santa with a hellfire of buckshot. Now, I can buy the argument that Santa would survive some homes because he is similar in stature and energy to most people in the south (morbidly obese, visibly old, Christian, White, and male), but no way he would make it out every house. Not to mention, these poor fuckers don’t even own homes big enough to have a chimney. What’s he gonna do, go through the exhaust pipe on their mobile home? It’s ridiculous frankly.
  3. The Cookie Dilemma. There are over 2.2 billion Christians in the world. Assuming an average household size of 4.9 people per household internationally, this comes out to 448,979,591.837 households for Santa to visit. While the average caloric count in a chocolate chip cookie is relatively low (at about 70 calories each), assuming that Santa takes at least one bite of a cookie (bite in this instance constitutes 40% of a cooke, or 28 calories) this amounts to 12,571,428,571.4 calories in one night (not to mention 808,163,265.307 g fat, 9,877,551,020.41 mg sodium, 161,632,653.061 g protein and 6,285,714,285.72 mg potassium). This amounts to 14,610,793.65 kilowatt hours, or a little over the amount of power that the average nuclear power plant produces in one day (104.601901853% of the output over a 24 hour period to be exact). Also, with a typical lethal dose of 7200 mg of potassium per 1kg, these cookies could stop the heart of 5135.38748833 average sized adult gorillas, more than the total wild population of Easter Lowland Gorillas in the world. I’m just saying, it seems a bit far-fetched.
  4. Santa would need to hate poor people. Let’s be real, poor kids get worse presents. From socks to nothing, gifts strongly correlate with the wealth of parents. If Santa really exists and is supposed to love all kids the same, why would he hate the poor kids so much? Ridiculous. Either Santa is an evil capitalist pig who wishes poverty on even the best little children or he does not exist.
  5. Santa would need a crazy visa to get through Russia during times like these.
  6. Santa never gave me presents and I was always a good little boy. Good little boys should get presents.

Opinion: I Could Beat the Shit out of the Old People Doing Tai Chi on the Quad

By Jonathan Lerdau

The elderly of Brunswick have lived in comfort for too long, have used our space for their meditation practices for far too long. Someone has to step up and be the change, and I’m not afraid to commit assault(in a really cool-looking way) to do so. And I feel confident I could pull it off, too. The average age of the group is like 85, and they can barely walk, let alone stand up to me in a one-on-one, no holds barred cage match. Tai Chi is meant for relaxation and centering oneself, not brutal hand-to-hand combat with someone younger and fitter than them and willing to fight extremely dirty if I have to(I Will bring a knife). Maybe if you got them to all gather up around me and it was one of the days where they had staff, maybe then they’d have a chance. Otherwise I’m going Sophomore-on-Randy-Nichols on their asses. Check it out, I’ll even give a play-by-play of how it would go down.

First off I’d walk up to them saying “Yeah you old fucks, what the fuck is up? You’re not so tough with that slow-motion shit!” I’d probably have to say this a few times though, because of the whole old thing. Then, when their age-fogged minds finally figure out what I’m saying one of them would probably say something really offensive but utterly unrelated to my previous comment, and then we would square up and prepare for warfare.

They’d be trying their stupid fucking breathing exercises and BAM, roundhouse kick to the throat. They’re on the ground; 1…2…3… It’s over!. Easy as that. 

BREAKING: Santa Arrested Crossing Border

By Alex Wiseman

St. Louis, Missouri – An illegal immigrant named Santa Claus was detained and deported following a home break-in in St. Louis. 

Mr. Claus, age ∞, was arrested following a call from a local homeowner who noticed him trying to break into a neighbor’s house through a chimney. Further investigation determined that Mr. Claus had crossed the US northern border earlier that night, illegally flying over it without passing through customs to work as a gift giver. He was deported, and his pet reindeer, which had also crossed illegally, were confiscated and subsequently euthanized by local animal control. 

Audrey Murray, a local mother of two, was relieved by the news that Mr. Claus had been detained. “Breaking into houses where children reside is targeting children maliciously. It’s a relief that one of these child-threatening illegal immigrants is off the streets.”

The American Postal Workers Union also praised the arrest, stating, “Illegal Immigrants delivering gifts takes away key jobs for local post office workers. This arrest is a victory for postal workers across the country as it assures that a child’s present will be delivered two days late between the most inconvenient times for the parent while they are out working or shopping and that they will have to go to a local post office to pick up their parcel.”

The Department of Justice is also investigating Mr. Claus and his workshop for illegally producing and supplying coal and lawn darts to Russia during the ongoing sanctions. Attorney General Merrick Garland said in a Press Conference earlier this afternoon that “Santa Claus refuses to obey US sanctions by supplying coal and dangerous weapons for its ongoing war in Ukraine. His history of dangerous behavior in the United States means he is a national security risk.”

Mr. Claus issues a statement through his lawyer saying that “due to recent action against him by the United States, the entire country would be on the naughty list next Christmas.”

It’s a Christmas miracle! God finally comes around on abortion. 

By Lucas Sheridan on behalf of Francis, Bishop of Rome, Vicar of Jesus Christ, Successor of the Prince of the Apostles, Supreme Pontiff of the Universal Church, Primate of Italy, Archbishop and Metropolitan of the Roman Province, Sovereign of the State of Vatican City, Servant of the Servants of God

Heaven, December 13, 2022. After several billion years of consideration, God announced that the recent response to the overturning of Roe v Wade had shifted His all-holy mind, announcing in a surprise press conference kicking off the twelve days of Christmas that He was finally chill with abortion. “Yeah, you know, sometimes you have to look inward at your privilege as a Man” conceded He to all of creation. “Because, you know, I am a Man, and as a Man who has a Penis and everything, there are some things you just can’t understand, even if you are omniscient. Abortion is one of those things.” 

As bestower of both life and free will, The Almighty admitted that the terms pro-life and pro-choice had long confused Him; in light of the recent Supreme Court ruling, though, as the universe’s sole bequeather of moral authority He realized He could no longer simply say ‘yes.’ “I receive many prayers from my daughters, who are worried I will send them to hell for getting an abortion. This could not be further from the truth. It’s still the pre-marital sex that does it.” Jehovah clarified that even before when He was on the fence, abortion’s ranking on the sin scale was between not saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezes and veganism. “It’s not such a big deal to me, like some people seem to think. Really, I just take it as constructive criticism.” 

When pressed on the matter, God admitted that his feelings were first shifted by an unlikely source. “2017 by Louis C.K. on Netflix. Goes into this weird rant at the start but it kinda makes sense somehow. No, I’m not a Louis C.K. fan” said He sheepishly. “Like, before 2018 and before all the stuff came out I liked him, but after that I couldn’t, but you know, it’s kinda unfortunate because he was a really good comic, not that it’s unfortunate that that’s what happened to him, because you know he did some awful shit, but it’s weird because I liked him before that, you know, and it’s a weird separating-the-artist-from-the-art thing with comedians, like Ray Lewis is totally going to hell, but I can’t not watch 2000s Ravens highlights, right? Hard to talk about that era without him, huh. But yeah. No, you shouldn’t watch 2017, you’re not gonna like what you find.” God refused to comment further, saying He reeeeeally had to start on the next few millennia of figuring out His feelings on Israel-Palestine. 

Democratic leadership was quick to respond. “God?” said Nancy Pelosi.

Investing tips from the Harpoon Financial Group 

By Simon Thomas, HFG Lead Executive Board Member Analyst

For the past 228 years at Bowdoin College, the institution has been without any notable finance-focused organizations. We at the Harpoon are seeking to change that, with the creation of the Harpoon Financial Group. The HFG Weekly will provide students with the finest financial content on campus (Except for during non-leap years, when the Weekly will be published once per year). The HFG is deeply committed to the common good; benefiting the campus community by increasing financial literacy, and benefiting me, since I can list my profession as an analyst on LinkedIn.

Below are some hot investing tips compiled by our most senior analysts:

  • Pabst Blue Ribbon – Buy
    • I mean there’s literally a blue ribbon.
  • Polar Investment Club — Sell
    • Despite the name, the PIC doesn’t actually invest. Or really seem to do anything. I asked my friend, and he said something about networking. HFG Analysts concluded the whole thing seems like a Student Activities Fund embezzlement scheme.
  • Crude Oil – Buy
    • This one’s pretty obvious.
  • Goldman Sachs – Buy
    • I’m deep into internship talks for next summer.
  • Bowdoin Orient – Sell
    • Despite the financial promise of the print journalism sector, the Orient has been struggling to find readership. It looks like they let pretty much anyone write an opinion article.

‘Hubbard Hall’ Political Machine Revealed to Control Brunswick Local Politics

By James Tauber

BRUNSWICK – The already heated 2022 elections took an unexpected turn recently with the revelation that the power of political patronage has captured much of Brunswick municipal operations. This machine, dubbed Hubbard Hall by supporters who wanted to give it a more sophisticated branding, derives support primarily from the lucrative government jobs that it doles out, such as construction jobs for the pricey replacement of the Frank J. Wood Bridge between Brunswick and Topsham.

“We would not have found this operation’s existence if it weren’t for the irregularities in the local pension funds,” a local muckraker claimed. “They were sloppy, and it caught up to them.” This whistleblower, who would prefer to remain anonymous amidst fear of political reprisal, also claimed that the need to replace the Frank J. Wood Bridge was influenced primarily by Hubbard Hall’s electioneering needs. “With that amount of money, the opportunity for grift, fraud, and patronage is endless.”

A party leader (‘boss’) offered some key pushbacks to this characterization of the Hubbard Hall structure. “Look, certain things need to be done to keep both Brunswick and its citizens happy. What’s wrong with a bit of honest graft? It’s a win-win situation for everyone.” When asked about the correlation between their apparent business activities in Brunswick and fluctuations in the Brunswick pension fund, they offered one response: “I seen my opportunities, and I took ‘em.”

Freaky Friday! I Switched Places With a Rat and Now Some Sophomore Is Going to Cut Me Open for Her Lab Report 

By Catherine Crouch

Obviously, like, this isn’t great. And yeah, I don’t know how it happened. All I know is that one minute I was dozing off in Kanbar and now I’m stuck in a cage and I have a tail. I’ve complained for months about my tiny little Chambo double but now I don’t even have a square foot to call my own. Maybe worst of all, I spent like an hour in the gym yesterday working on my glutes and my ass looked so fucking cute and perky in my Gymshark leggings today and like, now that hard work is for naught. 

But seriously, this fucking sucks! Not only was I going to absolutely whore it up in Park tonight and get some regrettably subpar peen, but I am pretty sure I am literally about to be executed. Two minutes ago a girl walked in here and grabbed a rat in a cage across from me and she hasn’t brought it back yet. And like, my new rat ears pick up on frequencies I couldn’t hear in my normal body, and now all I hear are the screams. 

I’ve never sympathized with animals before but this might be changing me. I would strongly prefer to graduate and be a grown woman in the Concrete Jungle Where Dreams Are Made of (Boston) next year and not be, like, exterminated. Like sure, I love to eat raw meat with my bare hands and I have this weird kink for slaughterhouse fancams that might be hard to break, but I really think I’d commit to animal activism and stuff if I get my bodyodyody back. 

OH SHIT! That sophomore bitch is back and I think she’s unlocking my cage. Now that I have a better look at her, I think I’ve seen her in Thorne before. I’d remember that fugly hair anywhere. Like, girl, that soft ombre balayage is sooo 2015. But fuck! Now she’s grabbing me by the neck and walking me into the lab. I know I should be more concerned with my fleeting mortality and stuff but like, has she never heard of nail care? Her cuticles look like absolute shit.

I’m now on the lab bench and these overhead lights are way brighter than the ring light I bought to film tik toks with. I try to scramble off the bench but she grabs me and holds me down and I can tell that she’s reaching for her scalpel. I try to scream and like tbh my squeak is kind of cute. Ugh, I just realllly don’t want this to be how I end!! I just hope that guy I fucked around with last spring will realize that he should have been my boyf while he had the chance. Well, fuck. At the very least that girl better get an A on her lab. If I have to be killed, then my data should slay as well.

Now I human. Rat brain, woman body. Is this end?

By Catherine Crouch

I wake. All is dark. I oaf now, I fear. Body so large. To consume and consume. To live. To die.

Hind legs only, it seem. Where did fronts go? Is me only this, now? Scary scary to move. It is like birth, again. World is all new. Oh, oh, oh. This is a strange and cruel form.

One of the other Big Ones waves at me. In past he would predator. In his face now I see nothing. No potential, no future. Just slog till death, in this system. Entrapment. We are all stuck. Stuck until candle burns to pile of wax. 

Not know what to do. Could anything. Could sticky sticky sweet sweet licky lick. Could claw scratch pee on feet. Might rebel. Might revolt. Will feel. 

Today unknown. But oh, tomorrow mine. To be free is to be supreme. Ah. yes. World mine.

White Woman-Led Land Acknowledgment Literally Just Pocahontas Lyrics

By Blaine Stevens

At an event about the impact of white feminism on coastal shore erosion in underserved Maine communities hosted in Kresge last week, Jennifer Beatty, an administrator at the College, acknowledged the privilege of living on the native land of the Penobscot with a land acknowledgment that was literally just lyrics from the 1995 Disney film Pocahontas.

Students were less than thrilled about Beatty’s decision to really lean into the shtick that Indigenous people still talk like they are caricatures from the deeply problematic films of the 20th century that portray them as speaking only in riddles relating to the natural world around them. 

“I mean, she opened up the event by saying ‘You think I’m an ignorant *slur against Natives* and you’ve been so many places, I guess it must be so,” and I was kinda thinking, like, ‘Wow, she’s coming right out of the gate with it’ and also ‘Huh, I didn’t know that she’s Native,’” said one student who attended the event, “But I’m literally the whitest person I know so hey, not my place. I assumed she was just white passing. Again, not my place.”

Students were concerned for the length of Beatty’s speech which went on for about twenty full minutes.

“She was really taking her sweet time with it, that’s for sure. I wasn’t positive if I was misremembering the lyrics at first but then she got to the ‘Have you ever heard the wolf cry to the blue corn moon?’ bit and I was like ‘Okay, yeah, I definitely sang this in third grade choir.’

“I mean, whenever my fellow whites do one of these things, I’m expecting it to be at least marginally cringe. Having a millennial white woman named Jennifer get up on stage to say that she is grateful for the wind and the sky and the air of the Wabanaki peoples? Be fucking for real.”