Black Ice: Randy Nichols Mows Down Sophomore Crossing Maine Street

by JACOB BASKES Nov. 13, 2019

In an email sent on Tuesday evening, Head of Bowdoin Safety and Security Randy Nichols warned that roads around campus had become dangerous as a result of the previous day’s freezing rain. Seventeen minutes later, Nichols sent out a follow-up email announcing that he had run over a sophomore boy crossing the street outside of MacMillan house.

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Monsanto Buys Bowdoin Organic Garden

by JACK SHANE Nov. 6, 2019

Since pledging to give a whole 72 cents more to housekeepers over 32 years, Bowdoin has desperately been trying to find ways to raise the money to pay for this exceptional wage increase. According to a recent press release from the Bowdoin Organic Garden, Bowdoin may have found the saving grace in the form of cancer-causing, environment hating Monsanto, who just bought the Bowdoin Organic Garden with $4 found on the floor.

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Student Dresses As Prozac For Halloween Party, Takes Away Everyone’s Sex Drive

by THEO DANZIG Nov. 5, 2019

Sophomore Zachary Leibowitz thought he had found the perfect Halloween costume. He had been planning for the annual festival of witchery for weeks and believed he had struck the perfect balance between humor and cultural sensitivity. By dressing up as Prozac, Zachary believed he would lift the spirits of everyone he saw.

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No Nut Milk November: Almond Milk Banned From Campus Dining Halls

by HOLLY LYNE Nov. 4, 2019

In a statement released during their November 1 press conference, Bowdoin Dining announced: “In observance of the celebration of No Nut November, we will remove almond milk and all other nut milks from Moulton and Thorne. We will not serve nut milks to students until December.” 

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Close Call! Jock Narrowly Avoids Eye Contact with Girl He Was Inside of Last Weekend

by BLAINE STEVENS Oct. 30, 2019

This morning, senior Mark P. Ullout was on the receiving end of a miracle in the middle of Thorne Dining Hall—in a turn of events that Ullout called “a gift from Yahweh Himself,” the athlete was able to successfully avoid interacting with the female student he was inside of this past Saturday evening. Thankful to have evaded the consequences of his questionable drunken decisions, Ullout described a scene that he claimed was nearly “a complete and utter fucking nightmare.” The self-described “athletic star,” who received an astounding 17 minutes and 32 seconds of playing time this past season, shocked Harpoon reporters with his descriptions of his traumatizing close call. 

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Bowdoin Student Goes Entire Day Without Wifi Trouble

by DAN RALSTON Oct. 28, 2019

Miles Uplook ‘20 admits that she has never been the ‘cool athlete’ or the ‘crunchy English major’.  “I live a quiet life, and honestly until yesterday, nothing remarkable had ever happened to me,” said Uplook.  But, on October 27th, Uplook became the first student in recent Bowdoin history to go a day without any Wifi troubles.   

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Trump Moves Troops to Wisconsin to Protect Cheese Curds

By WILL HAUSMANN Oct. 22, 2019

After Trump’s withdrawal of troops from Northern Syria was decried by high level diplomats, Trump’s own mother, and even Kermit the Frog, the President announced that the troops would be relocated to military bases across the state of Wisconsin. This questionable military policy is allegedly to protect and support our “allies and dear friends, the Cheese Curds.”

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President Rose’s Spotify Playlist Features Travis Scott, Post Malone

by JACOB BASKES October 9, 2019

On Wednesday morning, the student-run Bowdoin Entertainment Board announced new “campus celebrity” playlists to improve its interactions with the student body. This week’s featured guest is President Clayton Rose, whose top picks include Travis Scott’s “HIGHEST IN THE ROOM” and Post Malone’s “Sunflower”.

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