Jesus Died for Your Sins, but He’s Still Really Disappointed in Your Decisions

by JACK SHANE April 21, 2019

Easter is today – you know what that means! People finally get to start engaging in those diabolical activities they gave up for Lent. But if we are being honest with ourselves, Jesus died for our sins, but he’d be really disappointed in your recent decisions.

Ok yes, you are a college student so he can’t get mad about the sleeping through classes thing. Hell, Jesus probably had to call a rain check on the Last Supper because he was totally overwhelmed by it all. He seemed to have some pretty cool friends, so they probably didn’t even bat an eye. And the alcohol you destroy your liver with every weekend is fine because we all know it’s related to wine, and Jesus drank lots of wine (he even turned water into wine, so who’s the real alcoholic?). Even that weed you try to hide is fine because we all know Jesus was a low-key pot head. Even the occasional cocaine isn’t the worst because, hey, the Bible never said, “Don’t do coke.”

That being said, Jesus would be absolutely baffled by your more “absurd” recent decisions. These include, in no particular order, chasing after a squirrel on the Quad for 20 minutes, daytime streaking, showering without a towel “for the fun of it,” and attempting to climb the flagpole to “finish the level of Super Mario Bros.”

Oriental Express: Fumi Abe Leaves Audience Members Fumi-ng

April 22, 2019

By Calderon McHuman and the Pied Piper (with Editorial Assistance from the Bowdoin Harpoon)

Here’s your rundown of marginally notable news that you “ABSOLUTELY NEED” to know this week:

1. WHAT JOHN KASICH DID (AND DIDN’T (AND DIDN’T DIDN’T)) SAY

John Kasich visited campus last week for a medical examination from “Doctor” Clayton Rose and for the opportunity to pontificate on Jesus, Republicans, “solving race,” and Teslas. Supposedly, he answered some questions along the way too, but that is still up for debate. Additionally, Kasich stated he would not run for president at the moment, nor endorse Andrew Yang.

Learn about all the questions John Kasich interrupted here.

2. SAFC NEARLY BOUNCES LAST CHECK

The SAFC is officially out of money. After the SAFC spent most of its money in the first semester, club leaders should be sure to think of many fake reasons to request money next September before the $700,000 budget disappears. The SAFC Treasurer also encouraged collaboration between clubs with similar missions to combine funding, such as the Orient and the Harpoon or Bridge Club and the Rugby Team.

Get ideas for stupid stuff your club can spend money on here.

3. FUMI ABE LEAVES AUDIENCE MEMBERS FUMI-NG

In a bit of an ironic twist, the Asian Students Alliance and the Center for Multicultural Life presented a comedian now accused of making sexist and racist comments during his performance at Bowdoin. This performance was somewhat off-brand from the group’s mission (hopefully). Additionally, one hopes that ASA wasn’t taking to much money from the SAFC for this performance, as it could have been put to better use elsewhere, such as prizes for the Finance Club.

Find out the standard to beat if you want to be the next Asian Heritage Month comedian here.

4. STUDENTS GET TO PLAY GAMES INSTEAD OF DOING HOMEWORK

Students from Professor Nerdahl’s Roman Republic class mounted the museum steps last week to play a “game,” while other students bemoaned the drudgery of actual classwork. Conservative old guys everywhere question how one can learn from their courses without painful and joyless work. The professor was unable to comment on whether students were paying $70,000 a year for alternative Dungeon and Dragons.

Learn all about the new wave of role playing here.

5. MISHRA HOPES TO TALK TO PEOPLE

Bowdoin Students welcome a new chief executive, Ural Mishra, whose victorious campaign was motivated by his life changing experience while abroad. Mishra also claimed to have run after deciding he was the best candidate available, perhaps even born to be (BSG) president, a la Beto O’Rourke. As president, Mishra plans to talk to people, an impressively lofty goal that we are curious if he will pull off.

Ice breakers for chats with Ural can be found here here.

Love the Oriental Express? Wear it as your ivies outfit!

Compiled by Will Hausmann

Notre Dame Fire Blamed on Student Candle

by JACK ARNHOLZ April 17, 2019

French President Emmanuel Macron announced today that a student’s unattended lit candle caused last Monday’s fire at the Notre Dame cathedral in Paris. While no one was seriously injured in the blaze, Mr. Macron said that the incident suggests that his message about the dangers of lit candles was not getting through.

Continue reading “Notre Dame Fire Blamed on Student Candle”

God Confesses: “I Was Drunk When I Came Up with Religion”

by THEO DANZIG April 16, 2019

God, the deity you know from Ariana Grande’s “God Is A Woman,” recently admitted that while coming up with most of the world’s major religions, he was severely intoxicated. After a long night involving several bottles of Manischewitz and a game of “Truth or Dare,” God and several of his fraternity buddies penned the bestsellers The Bible and The Quran, not thinking the documents would ever see the light of day.

Continue reading “God Confesses: “I Was Drunk When I Came Up with Religion””

Lots of Unanswered Questions after BSG Elections, Rumors of Contested Results

by WILL HAUSMANN April 15, 2019

The BSG elections closed last night to raucous ambivalence on the part of Bowdoin Students. Ural Mishra was elected president and some other people were probably elected to some other positions. Blank dot also had a very good night, receiving 630 votes all while running 5 campaigns. Some BSG members have suggested Blank Dot might be able to win a chair position next year with a more focused effort.

Continue reading “Lots of Unanswered Questions after BSG Elections, Rumors of Contested Results”

Bro Pissed All Napkins Aren’t Sanitary

by DAN RALSTON April 10, 2019

Local dude Josh Snookums had a shocking revelation last Tuesday.  Josh recounted, “So I was at the dining hall, and I was looking at the napkins and stuff, and I realized that they weren’t sanitary.  Like, what the fuck? I’ve been using the napkins in the HL Bathrooms and they explicitly say that they are sanitary.”  Confusion as to why sanitary napkins don’t exist in either dining hall wasn’t just limited to Josh. A Harpoon investigation found that 94.6% of male athletes were annoyed that napkins in the dining halls weren’t sanitary.  

Continue reading “Bro Pissed All Napkins Aren’t Sanitary”

Oriental Express: Baseball Follows in the Footsteps of Football

April 8, 2019

By Calderon McHuman and the Pied Piper (with Editorial Assistance from the Bowdoin Harpoon)

Here’s your rundown of marginally notable news that you “ABSOLUTELY NEED” to know this week:

1. “WHERE DOES THE MONEY COME FROM?” ASKS THE ORIENT AND YOUR REPUBLICAN FATHER

With an operating budget of $168.4 million this year, Bowdoin spends more than the net worth of all most Bowdoin Student’s parents. Additionally, the college has an endowment of $1.63 billion, but fiscal hardliners and picky donors at the college are unwilling to spend it all and build a water park in the middle of the quad. A shame.

See where all the money comes from here.

2. STUDENTS SURPRISED TO REALIZE UNDERAGE DRINKING IS ILLEGAL

BPD put their Award for “Enforcing Underage Drinking Laws” (or more commonly know as EULD) to good use last weekend, giving out 13 summonses. Many of these occurred at Helm (yet another reason to stay away from the social house). The BPD officers were easily able to see through the convoluted, nebulous, and liability-waiving system of E-hosts and A-hosts and cite 5 students. In light of recent events, all further college house parties might now be hosted by Randy Nichols and his rag-tag security militia.

Learn how you can win a EUDL award here.

3. BIG BROTHER

Much to George Orwell’s dismay, Bowdoin has refrained from mining and selling our data to fund the endowment (or so they say). Unlike students in research psychology classes, it seems as though the College values your privacy.

Find out more about all your data the College could be stealing here.

4. ALL YOUR ONE SOBER FRIEND WILL NEED TO KNOW ABOUT THE IVIES PERFORMERS

For the few of us who will have full sensory capabilities during Ivies weekend, here are the crucial things to know about the world’s next musical icons. Lion Babe is actually not a lion, but rather a middling R&B group with the potential to rock the biggest stages in the country such as the David Saul Smith Student Union. Jamila Woods, a.k.a. that artist on some Chance the Rapper song, will attempt to satiate the underwhelming enthusiasm for her headliner. Lastly, we have the honor of Mick Jenkins, who in the words of the Orient music columnist: “I can honestly say I had never in my life felt any urge to listen to Jenkins.” Mick is ready to kill it at Ivies.

3 reasons why Ivies will be more mediocre than usual here.

5. BASEBALL FOLLOWS IN THE FOOTSTEPS OF FOOTBALL

Despite an 0-14-1 start to the season, the baseball team maintains an “unparalleled winning spirit.” Players on the bench have also shown impressive skills organizing energetic cheers, and the team is hopeful that this power them to victory later in the season.

Learn about your all-conference cheer team here.

Love the Oriental Express? Share it with all your dad’s frat brothers!

Compiled by Will Hausmann