LePage to Replace Ranked-Choice Voting with Marry-Fuck-Kill Voting

By NATHAN ASHANY Nov. 8, 2018

After mass confusion at polling places across Maine regarding the new ranked-choice voting system, sitting Republican Governor Paul LePage has announced his intention to replace the redesign with Marry-Fuck-Kill voting.

“I could not understand that shit for the life of me,” a clammy LePage told reporters. “What was I ranking these people on? Tallness? Smartness? Goodness of doing the governor job? Maine needs something simple and fun, something that will getcha hard as a rock and thirsty for blood.”

Governor-elect Janet Mills, a Democrat, immediately expressed her opposition to the plan. “I thought ranked-choice worked pretty well,” Mills said on Wednesday. “For me at least. This ‘Marry-Screw… whatever’ thing would not have been good for my campaign. Moody and Hayes are no lookers themselves – Moody with his creepy middle school lacrosse coach vibe and Hayes with his ‘I dropped mad acid in the 60s’ kinda look – but at least they have vibes. I’ve never opened my eyes wider than a tight squint and look like your aunt’s friend, so I’d have been nervous.”

While there was some confusion among Maine voters, there was no mass mobilization against the ranked-choice system. Commentators across the country were perplexed by LePage’s announcement, with many questioning the purpose of the ballot overhaul.

LePage responded to criticism bluntly, stating, “Yeah, to be completely honest I’m just trying to fuck Terry Hayes.”

“Cool” First-Year Proctor Looks Other Way on Floor’s Dog-Fighting Ring


According to multiple reports, Daniel Havard ‘19, proctor of Coleman 1st Floor, has gained the trust and admiration of his proctees for being the “cool” proctor. A relaxed view on hard alcohol violations, a willingness to handle noise complaints in-house, and a tendency to look the other way on the floor’s underground dog-fighting ring has earned him this reputation. Continue reading ““Cool” First-Year Proctor Looks Other Way on Floor’s Dog-Fighting Ring”

Halloween: It’s a Spooky Time for White Men

By AINE LAWLOR Oct. 31, 2018

[Content Warning (Not Satirical): This article features topics of sexual assault.]
BOO! Did I getcha? I’m the ghost of actions past, the monster hiding under the bed (or perhaps, unwillingly, on the bed), here to haunt white men for all the things they may or may not (but statistically very likely, in fact, almost 100%) have done. Continue reading “Halloween: It’s a Spooky Time for White Men”