WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a recent memo from the White House, President Donald Trump has ordered what little is left of the EPA to start “killing baby birds and poisoning tributaries” starting next Wednesday.
Continue reading “Donald Trump Orders EPA To Kill Baby Birds, Poison Tributaries”Need help navigating the new course registration system? The Harpoon collaborated with Workday to bring you the answers you need.
On Tuesday, President Zaki announced that Bowdoin would be creating a new and important position at the college: the Dean of Dean of Dean of Students. In her email, President Zaki explained that “this position will help our Dean of Dean of Students supply specific and broad support to the Dean of Students.”
Continue reading “Bowdoin Appoints Dean of Dean of Dean of Students “
In a surprising turn of events, Burnett House has been replaced with a giant pile of sand. The pile is about 35 feet tall, and around 7000 square feet, essentially replicating the exact dimensions of Burnett House but in sand. It’s like if the house had never existed and instead there was just a house-sized pile of sand, but no one could live in it and it no longer had a dumpster where I could throw out the trash from my off-campus house.
Continue reading “Burnett House Replaced With Giant Pile of Sand”
New data from a psych student’s honors project has illuminated interesting statistics about campus sex trends. The survey, which had a record high 0.8% response rate, asked students to disclose details about their most recent sexual encounters. Participants shared what outfit they were wearing, what music they were listening to, what they ate for dinner, and what building they were in when they were solicited for sex.
Continue reading “Study Shows The Best Way to Get Laid Is Wearing Your Class Hoodie”Revealing widespread division among the student body, a shocking poll published Monday by the Bowdoin Student Government showed that students were nearly evenly split on whether they should refer to their professors by their first or last name while engaging in sexual acts to boost their grades.
Continue reading “Students Divided Over Whether to Call Professors by First or Last Name While Exchanging Sexual Favors for Better Grades”Smith Union: the perfect place to realize you missed the mailroom hours and play a round of ping pong instead of writing your research paper. We all love walking by the photo wall and seeing our friends posed for the perfect Bowdoin advertisement. But you may be wondering,“why haven’t I been on the wall?” The Bowdoin photographer is hard to miss, given how often they snipe the lone spikeball game on the quad or random group of POC friends doing work in HL. Maybe your friend group isn’t diverse enough. Maybe you weren’t wearing enough Bowdoin merch at the Colby game.
Continue reading “You’re Not on the Smith Union Wall — And It’s Because You’re Ugly”A few weekends ago, Epicuria, one of the only annual parties on campus, probably went down somewhere in a poorly lit basement with meh music. But I don’t really know the details because I didn’t go. Yeah, I thought about going. I hemmed and hawed over it, but in the end, I just didn’t know if it was really what I wanted to do.
Continue reading “I Think I Might Be Epicurious”The results of the election two weeks ago had serious effects on many people on campus. Some wore black, others skipped class, and most seemed generally dejected. Perhaps no one had a harder time with the results than Nate Hintze, head of student activities. On Wednesday, credible sources said that he was wearing regular, normal tan khaki pants.
Continue reading “Day After Election, A Solemn Nate Hintze Debuts Boring, Beige Khakis”BY THE HARPOON TECH COUNCIL
Bowdoin Information Technology is excited to announce a groundbreaking update to your account security this November: 2FAxPC99a9-Compliant Pheromone Authentication, which will replace our current Okta login system. Read on to find out the details of OPC 2.1.3..
Continue reading “What to Expect With Okta Pheromone Check 2.1.3”First-years and sophomores flocked to Baxter house last Friday expecting all the hallmarks of an epic college house rager: booze, bumping music, and being uncomfortably shoved from behind by a large and terrifying man.
Continue reading “Lackluster College House Party Empty Enough to Dance, Breathe Properly, Create Genuine Connections”BY TAVI GREENFIELD
When I got to Bowdoin last year, all anyone was talking about was Evan G. They put up posters with his face all over the place, organized runs for him, and held talks discussing his “detainment”. With all this support on campus, it seemed like this guy must have been going through hell. But my mama didn’t raise a sheep, and being the independent, free-thinking journalist I am, I decided to do my own research and see how brave this Evan G guy actually was. So, back in July, I did a quick directory search and reached out to Evan Grauer ‘26 with some questions. These were his answers:
Continue reading “Evan G On His Time Overseas”
First-Year Tim Jones, widely considered the stupidest student on campus, was spotted proudly sporting a “You Belong at Bowdoin” crewneck last Thursday. “I just think everyone should feel like they totally belong here, both socially and academically,” said Jones, who is generally regarded by the student body as both a social outcast and academically incompetent.
Continue reading “Dumbest Person on Campus Proudly Wears “You Belong At Bowdoin” Merch”Maybe you had a few too many shots at your pre-game. Maybe the keg stand at Lighthouse was a bad idea. Maybe you’re just clumsy as shit. One way or another, we or a loved one have dropped a cup in the dining hall and attracted the attention of every man, woman, child, and squirrel in a 10 mile radius. It’s a heinous crime that many of us are guilty of. But this attack on eardrums ends now. The Office of Safety and Security has rolled out its newest initiative to make Bowdoin a safer place for all. Anyone who drops a cup in the dining hall will now be shot point blank.
Continue reading “New Security Measure: Anyone Who Drops a Cup in Thorne Will be Shot Point Blank”
Scott Johnson ‘25 has proven himself to be a star, not only on the field, but on the stage as well. After realizing he had made it to his senior year without meeting all five distribution requirements, Johnson scrambled to change his schedule. The only VPA class that didn’t conflict with football’s rigorous schedule of lifting and leaving beer cans around Lighthouse was Intro to Acting. To his and his fellow classmates’s surprise, Johnson proved to be a natural at performing. Maybe it’s due to the years of pretending the football team is good, but theater came to him as easily as his Title IX violation.
Continue reading “Football Player Discovers Love for the Arts While Fulfilling VPA Credit”In America you can make something out of nothing. People all over the country wake up each morning and work hard and feed kids. They work hard and they succeed. Anyone can be anything in America. This is what James Goldman ‘27 and William Sachs ‘25 learned this summer working at Goldman Sachs.
Continue reading “James Goldman and William Sachs Find Surprising Success at Goldman Sachs Internship”
It is well known that once a young boy reaches the age of maturity, his voice loses its ‘boyish’ charm. In the Renaissance, when women were not allowed to sing in public (seduction and whatnot) and boys had to perform the female roles, this presented quite a challenge. Luckily, European opera aficionados came up with an ingenious solution. When a boy neared the age of maturity, his testicles were crushed and thus his voice never dropped, and that delicate soprano tone was preserved. These boys were called castrati. Due to the brutality of castrating a prepubescent boy, this practice has largely fallen out of favor.
Continue reading “The Meddiebempsters will not be castrating a first-year boy for the first time in 123 years “The Mt. Ararat gym is legendary stuff for Cumberland County voting enthusiasts. I pulled my PT Cruiser up to the tennis courts at 6:47 and was finished writing in candidates by 6:58. Be warned that they do have plastic covering the hardwood floor, making it hard to get a proper pickup game going. If you bring your own ball you can get some shots up after submitting your ballot, but watch out for the slightly tall rims.
Continue reading “I Voted at All Seven Polling Locations in Cumberland County—These Were My Top Five”
by STAFF WRITER | Feb 2nd, 2024
As a young Jewish boy growing up in New York City, there were many places throughout the city that served as cultural landmarks for my religious identity. My synagogue blocks away from our apartment. The 2nd Ave Deli where we would frequent on weekends. The tunnel beneath the Chabad-Lubavitch global headquarters in Crown Heights.
Continue reading “An Ode to the New York Synagogue Tunnels”
by NOAH SAPERSTEIN and ATTICUS ORBACH | Oct 28th, 2023
BRUNSWICK – After two weeks of gathering evidence and reviewing the chaotic events from President Safa Zaki’s inauguration weekend, the hard-hitting journalists at the Bowdoin Harpoon are ready to chronicle every moment of the insurrection that took place on October 13th.
Continue reading “Safa Zaki’s Inauguration Ruined by Proud Boys”
by JASON OLARU-HAGEN | Oct 31st, 2023
After years of dominance on the Bowdoin frat-adjacent party scene, Yellow has fallen into despair and disrepair. Despite its legacy of totally lit ragers, zero Bowdoin teams or clubs expressed interest in renting the home, especially after feeling the hardwood floor bend under their weight. To be fair, Yellow hadn’t been in its best condition for some time, and a spot in the house was no longer coveted among the football team’s players. Whatever the cause, the landlord of Yellow now had to find a way to generate revenue from a house that, due to an overwhelming number of wall punches, was no longer structurally sound.
Months of preparation later, the “House of Collegiate Horrors” was announced and advertised to Brunswick residents ahead of Halloween. For you see, Yellow had long been home to the raunchiest Bowdoin functions. Away from the prying eyes of Bowdoin Security, events took place that would make the attendees of a party in Coleman basement faint in shock. The intellectual, personal, and social demands of a school like Bowdoin are heavy, and many find their release on a weekend night. Fortunately for the landlord of Yellow, these tales of debauchery could be turned into fat money stacks. See those mold lines on the ceiling? They were the heritage of dozens, if not hundreds, of uncontrolled beer shotguns. That hole in the wall was excavated the night Trinity beat us 40-7, and an o-lineman got his hands on a lot of Fireball. Those shattered windows were the result of a bizarre drinking game involving a baseball bat and cans of Twisted Tea.
This menagerie of depravity will only be open for visitors on Halloween, so make sure to book ahead. Tickets are already being bought up by guys who watched The Wolf of Wall Street and liked it a little too much, so don’t delay!
by NOAH SAPERSTEIN | Oct 21st, 2023
As winter quickly approaches, I am looking forward to participating in the seasonal festivities Bowdoin College has to offer. I will frolic in the snow, make the trek to the lighthouse for some underwhelming functions, and maybe even delight in a warm cup of tea (coffee gives me anxiety.) I am also veryyyyy excited to join the ice skating club, Bowdoin Edges.
I am so so so close to joining Bowdoin Edges but they won’t let me… at least not yet. A week ago I emailed and I reallllyyyyy wanted to join. Literally drooling over the thought of it, I reached out to the club’s leaders and received this reply: “Hi Noah, Unfortunately, we only start meeting in late November! If you want to join Bowdoin Edges, you can come. But not yet. You’re gonna have to really, really beg. We want to see the desire in your eyes (to ice skate)!”
Fuck I want to join so bad and they know it. They know how much I want to join their club and they love making me wait. To skate across a frozen pond or the hockey rink sounds euphoric but I’m not allowed, at least not quite yet. Until November, I guess I’ll just try to skate by myself but it’s just not the same.
(As a disclaimer, the people who run and participate in Bowdoin Edges are the nicest, most innocent human beings I have encountered at Bowdoin. This is obviously why the club has never thought twice about the name and all of us who thought this article was funny should be shamed as disgusting sexual perverts. To the humble members of Bowdoin Edges, don’t change the name.. at least not quite yet.)
by SIMON THOMAS | Sep 21st, 2023
BRUNSWICK — LinkedIn connections of newly-former president Clayton Rose were greeted with an exciting news Thursday morn- ing: he really had a great time on Wall Street this summer. Rose, 78, wrote that he “had a really great time as a Risk Analysis intern at JP Morgan this summer.” He is “excited to gain further experience in such an exciting and dynamic field” and feels that he will be able to “make the world a better place by analyzing broad market trends and macroeconomic factors that may impact investment performance.” Clayton did not specify whether or not he received a return offer for next summer.
by NOAH SAPERSTEIN | Sep 21st, 2023
One of the most important events of the year is the House Olympics. Hosted by the ResLife team, House Olympics are an amazing opportunity to drink a ton of alcohol and pull or push things. The contest consists of a myriad of events including tug of war (a bit dramatic of a name for what it really entails in my opinion), trivia, a silly game with a hula hoop, dodgeball, and more.
What people may not know is that the games were founded by Gamemaster Alex Gates
in order to prevent the constant warring between house factions. Starting in 1997, guerilla warfare had ravaged Bowdoin’s campus, leading to an all time low yield and, more importantly to the board of directors, all time low revenue generated. Seeking solutions, they decided to begin the House Olympics as an alternative through which house rage could be funneled. Since then, the games have been incredibly exciting and important to each new class of sophomores.
Gates, now maybe 24ish, was hired by Bowdoin because he possesses a very sexy calm poise and magnificent posture (a big deal for prospective Gamemasters). As a side note, Alex Gates put two random dudes into the living room of my college house last year and it was wack. Like they just closed the doors and lived there and that was that. “But Noah! They probably had no other place to go right?” Wrong! There were open spots on campus that were actual dorm rooms! It really pissed me off. Also his pants are too tight. Anyway.
In the year of our lord 2023, House Olympics were won by the same house that had won twice in a row in 2022 and 2021: MacMillian. While they have long been regarded as a well rounded team of individuals, many scouts reported it was their sheer strength that af- forded them an easy win.
To learn more, I interviewed a defeated Reed resident, Pat Johnson, who had just been defeated in Gates’ newest addition to the games: bare-knuckle boxing. “They are fucking monsters!” Screamed Johnson, blood streaming down his face, “I need an ambu- lance. Please!” A hulking man dressed in Mac House attire stood over him, still angry. In tug of war, four Baxter students lost fingers as the rope was violently pulled out of their grasp. In dodgeball, a Helmreich resident became comatose following a triumphant win by Mac. Following these reports, Randy Nichols ordered mandatory drug test- ing for all participation. They tested positive for 7 controlled substances.
When pressed for comment, Gamemaster Alex Gates released a statement following the drug tests:
“I’m tired of motherfuckers in school tellin’ me, always in the barbershop
“Mac House ain’t ‘bout this, Mac House ain’t ‘bout that”
My house a BD, on fuckin’ Lamron and them He, he, they say that house don’t be puttin’ in no work
Shut the fuck up, y’all academic staff and students ain’t know shit
All y’all motherfuckers talkin’ about
“Mac house ain’t no hitter, Mac house ain’t this, Mac house a fake,
Shut the fuck up!”
The mall opened at 8AM, but even then, the line was usually somewhat long. And even if there weren’t a line, there would still be people around. After weeks of observation, I deduced that the optimal time would be a Thursday at 7PM, just before closing. So about, gosh, 2 months ago at this point, I made my move. On that unassuming winter evening, I made my way to Brunswick Plaza just before ‘Santa’ — real name Michael Kelly, age 76 — ended his shift.
There was not a soul in that mall but him and I. Every store was closed and there was hardly any light. But I saw him. Plump, and jolly as ever, hoisted high on his Santa chair. He sat in the middle of the — is atrium the right word? The big empty room in the mall where you can see high up and there’s a wide floor. He was in the middle. All alone.
I walked up to him. He looked up at me. “How can I help you, son?” He asked. I could hardly get the words out. I leaned up close to his ear, and whispered my proposition. I pulled a 20 dollar bill out of my pocket.
I wanted — no, needed — Santa to sit on my lap, not the other way around. I hadn’t been able to get that fantasy out of my head for years, and I feared that the only way to free myself of this perverted curse was to will it into existence.
He obliged. I knew he would. He had fallen short on rent for 3 consecutive months and was desperate. He stood up, and I took his place.
With one swift motion he sat on my lap. He beckoned to me, asking if I was alright, if he was crushing me. Even if I wanted to talk, I couldn’t. All the air had been forced from my lungs, and I could only inhale small gasps through his thick, red coat. And he was crushing me, but that’s what my body demanded. It’s what I needed. His behind weighing upon my sack of presents. The back of his neck smelt like cookies. Everything was warm … like cookies.
Anyways, my break was super fun and I feel rested and ready for this next semester! I ordered my textbooks and I think I’m gonna join some clubs this week.
Though Valentine’s Day is just around the corner, not all of us are, in fact many of us are not, in the committed relationships we would hope to be. While many are single and ready to mingle, some of us are in the in-between… in that uncomfortable situationship that has gone on for too long. You’re not committed to one another, but in an uncomfortable and unclear way, you also are. And while sometimes that’s not ideal, other times it’s really not and you’re ready to break free. With that in mind, here’s five ways to get out of your current situation without having a real conversation.
Part of Bowdoin’s winter charm is watching all the fat squirrels scamper around campus with the occasional pizza slice or half-eaten apple in their cute little mouths. It helps distract from the fact that you’re currently on your way to fail your Physics midterm in -5º weather. We’ve seen many a Yik-Yak post calling out the “biblical greed” of these furry friends, poking fun at how large and rotund they are from November to April.
While the student body may view this as harmless fun, the reality is that these comments are having a negative effect on the body image of the squirrels on campus. Resident squirrel Barry D. Nuts, Chair of the Committee for Cross Species Relations, has reached out to the Harpoon to draw attention to this issue. “Squeak squeak, squeakity squeak” [translation: The abhorrent fatphobia and fatshaming happening to my fellow brothers and sisters across this campus is sickening. How dare the student body mock us for simply doing what nature demands? Do you shame a tree for losing its leaves? Do you ridicule the sun for setting? Do you sneer at the birds flying south for the winter? Nay, so why must we be taunted for preparing for a harsh Maine winter? Why is it so hilarious that we are gathering food for the sick and the young who cannot do it themselves? Why, I ask, is my image being used to compare yourself to how you feel after last night’s Super’s menu? It is a disgusting form of bullying, the likes of which I have never seen on the campus before. I shame you, Bowdoin College. Shame!].
In response to this outrage, the Center for Multicultural Life will be hosting an open discussion, creating a space for squirrels and students alike to air their grievances and, hopefully, reach a mutual understanding.
Love is in the air this February, and as Valentine’s Day draws ever nearer, countless students across campus are preparing for a wonderful day with their sweetheart. However, not every student is blessed with a single or has a roommate that spends all hours in the Smith Union game room.
Some students, like Brendan Dawson ‘29, are being cockblocked by their codependent roommate. “It’s really frustrating,” explained Dawson, “I really like the guy but I feel like I can’t get a moment alone with my girlfriend.”
“The guy” refers to Dawson’s Osher 4th roommate, Jimmy Barker ‘29, self proclaimed “nice guy” who is spending this Valentine’s Day alone. Barker and Dawson are a great roommate pair, always getting meals together and running underground poker games in the Osher laundry room.
The issue arose recently, when Barker’s long distance girlfriend broke up with him over Winter break. Ever since, Dawson has not been able to get a moment alone, practically attached at the hip to his newly single roommate. “I’m starting to really worry about Valentine’s Day, I just started dating my girlfriend and I was kind of hoping to have the room to myself for the night”, Dawson told Harpoon reporters. The new couple has been lacking in their “alone time”, and Dawson was hoping this would finally be the night to have his cherry popped. When the subject of Valentine’s festivities was discussed, Barker simply assumed he would be joining Dawson and his girlfriend. “Hell ya! Pal-entine’s Day is gonna be awesome! Just me, my good friend Brendan, and that girl I see him hanging out with sometimes. I think her name’s Stacy? Maybe we can be like a new super trio with matching shirts!”, exclaimed Barker.
As the holiday looms ever closer, Dawson is searching for a single to rent out for the night and potentially some sort of activity to keep his lonely roommate occupied.
In what administrators are calling “a transformative moment for the institution,” the College announced this Monday that it has accepted a generous donation to begin work on a new development project: a giant evil obelisk. “The college is proud to announce a 113$ million gift, the largest donation in our 232 year history”, states the newest headline on the Bowdoin website. Through the guidelines of the new Initiative for Madness and Corruption, the monument to chaos will soon loom threateningly at the center of campus and hum faintly at all hours.
The structure, estimated to be around 66 feet tall, jet black, and “having no nefarious purpose” according to College officials, was donated by an anonymous benefactor described only as “a longtime friend of the College, a stalwart supporter of the common good and in no way an ungodly abomination”. According to a recent press release, the structure brings with it a variety of helpful student services and benefits, free of charge. It radiates an aura of dread, absorbs all sunlight within a 20 yard radius, and occasionally torments students with their deepest fears, bestowing unknowable truths and eldritch madness to anyone who gazes upon it for too long.
“We see this as a great opportunity,” said Scott Perper, Chair of the Board of Trustees, “a step in the right direction, and a necessary step for humanity”. The ancient, malevolent pillar that predates recorded history also comes with a team of dedicated staff to maintain it, workshops, and student research opportunities. “Through this donation, we hope to advance the College’s mission of benefitting the common good by deepening our understanding of the coming epoch of terror,” said new department head, Doctor K.
Students expressed cautious concern after several reported waking nightmares and a noticeable increase in ominous chanting and bouts of insanity near the quad. Overall reactions seem mixed, although the College ensures support networks and promises a smooth transition towards a new age of darkness.
Sources confirmed that on Saturday night, Olivia Cunningham ‘27 was ghosted by her Valentine’s Day date immediately after the lights were turned on at Supers. “When the lights came on, I saw his face go white, like he’d seen something horrible. I asked him what was wrong, but he just mumbled something about the french fries not being crispy enough and said it was probably time for him to head to bed,” said Cunningham, trying to hold back tears as she recounted the incident. “I’m just really sad because I thought we had a great night, but I guess seeing me in direct light for the first time was just too much for him to bear. I mean he actually recoiled. Like he physically lurched backward. He reacted like he was a vampire being exposed to sunlight. Or like he was a Minecraft zombie being exposed to sunlight. Or like he was a troll being exposed to sunlight. Do you get the idea?”
We contacted Olivia’s date to get his side of the story, and he agreed to speak with us on the condition of anonymity. “Did I really lurch? I’d say it was more of a look of shock, but my friends have always told me I wear my heart on my sleeve, so maybe I reacted more than I thought. To be quite frank, I was completely taken aback when I saw that Olivia was dressed up like a wolf, but I really tried not to be mean about it. The restaurant we ate at was pretty dimly lit, and the sun goes down at like 3 pm here, so I hadn’t actually gotten a good look at her. To be honest, she was nice enough, but I’m just not into the whole furry thing. I hope she finds someone who’s a good match for her.”
Olivia hadn’t told us that she had been in fursona during the incident, so we reached back out to see if she could attest to her date’s version of events. “Oh yeah I’m a furry, but like I thought he was into it. I mean he kept talking about wanting me to put a collar on him and lead him around on a leash, so it felt like a natural assumption.”
With recent economic pressures continuing to drive up the cost of food, Bowdoin Dining sent out a campus-wide email on Thursday announcing that all meals on campus will now cost 1.5 meal swipes. “The purchasing power of one meal swipe has simply gone down compared to the value of a meal.
This isn’t a decision we wanted to make, but we had to do so in order to remain competitive in the economic sphere of college dining,” Isaiah Williams, the Executive Director of Dining Services, shared with reporters when asked about the decision to increase the number of meal swipes required to access a dining hall.
“I know there has been some worry that this may lead to students skipping meals in order to not run out of meal swipes too quickly. Honestly, I think eating fewer meals may just be what some students on campus need, not to fat-shame or anything, but just like that’s my personal preference. Not that I’m looking at students in that way, even though they’re all adults, so it would be totally fine if I was. But I’m not. I’m not looking at them like that, and I love my wife. Can we get back to the point? Meals are more expensive and it’s Biden’s fault.”
In response to the increase in the cost of meals, President Zaki sent out an email and declared that she would be leading a hunger strike in solidarity with students between dinner Sunday night and breakfast Monday morning, although critics have pointed out that this is a time during which she already would not have been eating.
To his family, friends, and indeed, the rest of the world, Donald Baxter MacMillan died of old age in Provincetown, Massachusetts in 1970. However, this was nothing more than a trick of the light—a wax body double. Honestly, it wasn’t very hard because wax body doubles don’t have pulses, and everyone knows that a pulse is the only way to check if anyone is still alive. Mr. MacMillan actually made one last trip to the Arctic when he was 95 to be frozen inside a glacier.
There he rested until a week ago, when a small man in California named Albert Franklin chose to purchase a Ford F-150 instead of a Chevrolet Bolt and emitted so much carbon from his truck that the glacier melted. Now, it would be silly to suggest that we don’t all have a part in this mess we call climate change. However, it would also be silly to suggest that Mr. Franklin didn’t play a small part in unfreezing Mr. MacMillan. Fuck you, Mr. Franklin.
Because without you, Mr. Franklin, we would not have an old bigot walking about our campus. It turns out that Donald Baxter MacMillan, whom we all thought was the picture of flawlessness in character, is actually quite sexist and racist. He is, however, pretty on board with the LGBTQIA+ community. Who would have thought? Anyway, as you may know, the only reason women weren’t allowed to enroll at Bowdoin College in 1894 was because Mr. MacMillan was very vocal in opposition to such an idea. It was only in 1971, the year after he “died”, that women could be students at our institution.
When Mr. MacMillan arrived here after his expedition, he was quite excited. It is a big deal to come back to life after being frozen for over 50 years and then to go to a place where there are like 12 different buildings named after you. Unfortunately, Mr. MacMillan’s joy was blown to smithereens the moment he saw a woman in a Bowdoin sweater.
“The sacred garments! They are tarnished! For naught! How shall this become a place of learning if these smart, wonderful, valiant, gorgeous, powerful, beautiful, pure-blooded men are around such creatures of temptation? For shame! For shame!” Mr. MacMillan said.
Mr. MacMillan is now walking around the quad hitting women with his cane. However, he is only hitting women who are smaller than him. This could be a commentary on sexists in general, but I’m not sure, so you guys can just go ahead and draw your own conclusions about this one.
The World Famous Vomit Store is a story of the American dream. In 1896, a Bulgarian couple, Chuck and Imathrowin Uhp, immigrated to New York City to start their dream of opening a store. They didn’t know what kind of store, but they knew that they would be selling things at a price slightly higher than what they had bought it for to make a profit. They also knew that the thing would have to be in high demand for them to be able to make any sales. These basic principles of economics were just now being discovered—they were close friends with John Economics, who often told them about his discoveries over dinner. Before that, most people had just been selling things that everyone already had or for a lower price than they had bought them for. This, of course, resulted in everyone opening a store and then closing it quite quickly afterwards. The World Famous Vomit Store, then, was revolutionary for storeowners the world over because of how it made money for the storeowners rather than the customer and was able to stay in business for longer than a few days.
Unfortunately, the store closed down recently because of complaints of a foul smell emanating from the storefront. Opinion is divided on the matter—many feel it important to preserve such an important monument to bodily fluids. Other than The World Famous Cum Store, which is much less stinky, there are no other businesses dedicated to any excretions. The Historical Society for Bodily Fluids (HSBF) is leading protests against the closure on the grounds that there is no other way for people to learn about their bodily fluids, other than via the World Famous Cum Store.
“Vomit has been an integral part of the human experience for as long as we have been around,” says Barfara Brown, executive director of HSBF. “Dated long before any kinds of paintings, we have found traces of human vomit on the walls of caves and in tar pits. Many of these artifacts are inside the World Famous Vomit Store and deserve to be displayed in public. It’s silly that it would close just because someone has a sensitive nose. I don’t see anyone closing down the World Famous Cum Store because of neighborly complaints.”
Despite what Brown may think, one does not need a sensitive nose to be disturbed by the odor of the World Famous Vomit Store. Inside are two enormous vats labelled “Boy Vomit” and “Girl Vomit,” which give off a horrific stench. Of course, everyone knows that girls don’t throw up, so most of the smell comes from the Boy Vomit vat. The Girl Vomit vat is full of flowers and sugar cookies and nice things, which makes sense. You can’t just have an empty vat. That would be silly.
“We don’t throw up,” says Nina Femi, former Head of Correspondence of the Girl Vomit vat. “That just wouldn’t make sense. Can you imagine if girls threw up? Ha! Silly, silly, silly.”
Fortunately for vomit enthusiasts everywhere, The World Famous Vomit Store will be relocated to the basement of the World Famous Cum Store. Funnily enough, the two stores market to a similar demographic. Who would have thunk? Anyway, a special grand reopening deal will allow customers to purchase an item from both stores for 15 percent off. Visit the World Famous Cum Vomit Store today!
Hello Bowdoin Harpoon,
My situationship of six months, who I’ve introduced to my parents and have told is the love of my life, just asked that we start officially dating. I really, really love her, but I don’t quite feel ready, and I’m worried that actually dating would ruin the special connection we have. What should I do?
Best,
Anonymous Hopeless Romantic
AHR,
All good things in life take time—especially love. Your intuitions are absolutely correct. Six months is only a blink of the eye. David Izzard, relationship expert, explains:
“The healthiest relationships almost always stem from 1, 2, even 3-year-long siutationships. It’s just not something you can rush.”
However, this is a delicate situation. Rejecting your situationship means losing a deep, meaningful connection, a wholly untenable outcome.
You can respond to this in many ways—as long as you absolutely avoid giving anything close to a clear answer. Izzard recommends emotionally intelligent, communicative responses, including:
“Of course I love you, but it’s more as a spiritual mentor than a partner.”
“I’m so scared I’ll hurt you, almost as scared as I am of emotional intimacy.”
“I don’t want to be in a relationship with you, but I can’t bear the thought of you with someone else because I do want to be with you.”
“I don’t know.”
Be honest and open about your emotions, follow your heart, never actually commit to someone, and soon you’ll be living the fairytale romance of your dreams!
The Bowdoin Harpoon 