Man Becomes Homeless to Collect All State Quarters

 

US-90-WASHQBy SEBASTIAN HERNANDEZ Sept. 18, 2018

After becoming fed up with the tried and true methods of collecting all the state quarters, amateur coin collector Moe Knee has quit his job at the US Mint and sold his home to live on the streets. Mr. Knee decided to hold up a cardboard sign saying “Homeless. Any change would help, but only state quarters are acceptable.”

“Coin collecting used to be a patient man’s game, but you have to take risks if you want to succeed,” said Mr. Knee. “Also, apparently coin collectors make very little money, like most of these quarters are worth at least 25 cents. So with the extra cash inflow from begging, it’s kind of a win-win.”

Mr. Knee so far has 12 Maryland quarters and a rare Buffalo nickel (which he uses exclusively to throw at pigeons).

When he sold his home, Mr. Knee tried to ask for the payment to be made out entirely in quarters. It may have expedited his search, but the couple that moved into his bungalow were “yuppie jerks who thought that was inconvenient,” in Mr. Knee’s own words. The couple declined to comment, due to obviosity.

Some homeless people, like Sam Halpert, seem to dislike Mr. Knee’s acquisition methods. “People say ‘beggars can’t be choosers’ for a reason. He’s giving the rest of us a bad reputation by association. So in his case, beggars can be losers.”

However, a disproportionate number of homeless men and women in Maine also have an interest in coin collecting. The amount of spare change available in Maine has become sparse, making these amateur collectors all the more desperate.

When he is not coin collecting, Mr. Knee imagines what is on the back of the Alaska state quarter. He hopes it is the Coca-Cola polar bears, but also realizes that it is not a great guess.

Students Sign Up for PEN15 Club at Activities Fair

By JACOB BASKES Sept. 12, 2018

Excited first-years and seniors scrambling for resume builders flocked to Smith Union last night to tour the hectic maze of student groups fighting to attract new members. Among those groups was Bowdoin’s newly chartered PEN15 Club, which amassed an email list of three hundred and twelve students and signed the club name in Sharpie on each of those students’ hands. Continue reading “Students Sign Up for PEN15 Club at Activities Fair”

Judicial Board: “J-Board Gets its Legitimacy from God”

By JACK ARNHOLZ Sept. 11, 2018

Editors’ Note: Sept. 13, 2018

The Chair and Vice Chair of the J-Board asked us to remove their names from this article satirizing the Board, claiming it defamed their character. This assault on the integrity of the J-Board was so severe that they removed every copy of the Harpoon from Smith Union and HL. We decided to take them as seriously as they take themselves and removed their names.

In a recent interview with the Bowdoin Harpoon, Judicial Board President Lakeanna Polk claimed that the “J-Board gets its legitimacy from God.” Continue reading “Judicial Board: “J-Board Gets its Legitimacy from God””

Technologically Incompetent Senator Sends Women Unsolicited Pictures of Locally Sourced Produce

By SEBASTIAN HERNANDEZ Sept. 5, 2018

Maine State Senator Beau Tumtouchér was revealed this week to have mailed many women in the phonebook unsolicited pictures of locally sourced produce. The women’s response to these dubious actions has been mixed, due in part to Senator Tumtouchér’s constant support of local farmers and his public persona as a class-A perv. Continue reading “Technologically Incompetent Senator Sends Women Unsolicited Pictures of Locally Sourced Produce”