WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a recent memo from the White House, President Donald Trump has ordered what little is left of the EPA to start “killing baby birds and poisoning tributaries” starting next Wednesday.
Continue reading “Donald Trump Orders EPA To Kill Baby Birds, Poison Tributaries”Need help navigating the new course registration system? The Harpoon collaborated with Workday to bring you the answers you need.
On Tuesday, President Zaki announced that Bowdoin would be creating a new and important position at the college: the Dean of Dean of Dean of Students. In her email, President Zaki explained that “this position will help our Dean of Dean of Students supply specific and broad support to the Dean of Students.”
Continue reading “Bowdoin Appoints Dean of Dean of Dean of Students “
In a surprising turn of events, Burnett House has been replaced with a giant pile of sand. The pile is about 35 feet tall, and around 7000 square feet, essentially replicating the exact dimensions of Burnett House but in sand. It’s like if the house had never existed and instead there was just a house-sized pile of sand, but no one could live in it and it no longer had a dumpster where I could throw out the trash from my off-campus house.
Continue reading “Burnett House Replaced With Giant Pile of Sand”
New data from a psych student’s honors project has illuminated interesting statistics about campus sex trends. The survey, which had a record high 0.8% response rate, asked students to disclose details about their most recent sexual encounters. Participants shared what outfit they were wearing, what music they were listening to, what they ate for dinner, and what building they were in when they were solicited for sex.
Continue reading “Study Shows The Best Way to Get Laid Is Wearing Your Class Hoodie”Revealing widespread division among the student body, a shocking poll published Monday by the Bowdoin Student Government showed that students were nearly evenly split on whether they should refer to their professors by their first or last name while engaging in sexual acts to boost their grades.
Continue reading “Students Divided Over Whether to Call Professors by First or Last Name While Exchanging Sexual Favors for Better Grades”Smith Union: the perfect place to realize you missed the mailroom hours and play a round of ping pong instead of writing your research paper. We all love walking by the photo wall and seeing our friends posed for the perfect Bowdoin advertisement. But you may be wondering,“why haven’t I been on the wall?” The Bowdoin photographer is hard to miss, given how often they snipe the lone spikeball game on the quad or random group of POC friends doing work in HL. Maybe your friend group isn’t diverse enough. Maybe you weren’t wearing enough Bowdoin merch at the Colby game.
Continue reading “You’re Not on the Smith Union Wall — And It’s Because You’re Ugly”A few weekends ago, Epicuria, one of the only annual parties on campus, probably went down somewhere in a poorly lit basement with meh music. But I don’t really know the details because I didn’t go. Yeah, I thought about going. I hemmed and hawed over it, but in the end, I just didn’t know if it was really what I wanted to do.
Continue reading “I Think I Might Be Epicurious”The results of the election two weeks ago had serious effects on many people on campus. Some wore black, others skipped class, and most seemed generally dejected. Perhaps no one had a harder time with the results than Nate Hintze, head of student activities. On Wednesday, credible sources said that he was wearing regular, normal tan khaki pants.
Continue reading “Day After Election, A Solemn Nate Hintze Debuts Boring, Beige Khakis”BY THE HARPOON TECH COUNCIL
Bowdoin Information Technology is excited to announce a groundbreaking update to your account security this November: 2FAxPC99a9-Compliant Pheromone Authentication, which will replace our current Okta login system. Read on to find out the details of OPC 2.1.3..
Continue reading “What to Expect With Okta Pheromone Check 2.1.3”First-years and sophomores flocked to Baxter house last Friday expecting all the hallmarks of an epic college house rager: booze, bumping music, and being uncomfortably shoved from behind by a large and terrifying man.
Continue reading “Lackluster College House Party Empty Enough to Dance, Breathe Properly, Create Genuine Connections”BY TAVI GREENFIELD
When I got to Bowdoin last year, all anyone was talking about was Evan G. They put up posters with his face all over the place, organized runs for him, and held talks discussing his “detainment”. With all this support on campus, it seemed like this guy must have been going through hell. But my mama didn’t raise a sheep, and being the independent, free-thinking journalist I am, I decided to do my own research and see how brave this Evan G guy actually was. So, back in July, I did a quick directory search and reached out to Evan Grauer ‘26 with some questions. These were his answers:
Continue reading “Evan G On His Time Overseas”
First-Year Tim Jones, widely considered the stupidest student on campus, was spotted proudly sporting a “You Belong at Bowdoin” crewneck last Thursday. “I just think everyone should feel like they totally belong here, both socially and academically,” said Jones, who is generally regarded by the student body as both a social outcast and academically incompetent.
Continue reading “Dumbest Person on Campus Proudly Wears “You Belong At Bowdoin” Merch”Maybe you had a few too many shots at your pre-game. Maybe the keg stand at Lighthouse was a bad idea. Maybe you’re just clumsy as shit. One way or another, we or a loved one have dropped a cup in the dining hall and attracted the attention of every man, woman, child, and squirrel in a 10 mile radius. It’s a heinous crime that many of us are guilty of. But this attack on eardrums ends now. The Office of Safety and Security has rolled out its newest initiative to make Bowdoin a safer place for all. Anyone who drops a cup in the dining hall will now be shot point blank.
Continue reading “New Security Measure: Anyone Who Drops a Cup in Thorne Will be Shot Point Blank”
Scott Johnson ‘25 has proven himself to be a star, not only on the field, but on the stage as well. After realizing he had made it to his senior year without meeting all five distribution requirements, Johnson scrambled to change his schedule. The only VPA class that didn’t conflict with football’s rigorous schedule of lifting and leaving beer cans around Lighthouse was Intro to Acting. To his and his fellow classmates’s surprise, Johnson proved to be a natural at performing. Maybe it’s due to the years of pretending the football team is good, but theater came to him as easily as his Title IX violation.
Continue reading “Football Player Discovers Love for the Arts While Fulfilling VPA Credit”In America you can make something out of nothing. People all over the country wake up each morning and work hard and feed kids. They work hard and they succeed. Anyone can be anything in America. This is what James Goldman ‘27 and William Sachs ‘25 learned this summer working at Goldman Sachs.
Continue reading “James Goldman and William Sachs Find Surprising Success at Goldman Sachs Internship”
It is well known that once a young boy reaches the age of maturity, his voice loses its ‘boyish’ charm. In the Renaissance, when women were not allowed to sing in public (seduction and whatnot) and boys had to perform the female roles, this presented quite a challenge. Luckily, European opera aficionados came up with an ingenious solution. When a boy neared the age of maturity, his testicles were crushed and thus his voice never dropped, and that delicate soprano tone was preserved. These boys were called castrati. Due to the brutality of castrating a prepubescent boy, this practice has largely fallen out of favor.
Continue reading “The Meddiebempsters will not be castrating a first-year boy for the first time in 123 years “The Mt. Ararat gym is legendary stuff for Cumberland County voting enthusiasts. I pulled my PT Cruiser up to the tennis courts at 6:47 and was finished writing in candidates by 6:58. Be warned that they do have plastic covering the hardwood floor, making it hard to get a proper pickup game going. If you bring your own ball you can get some shots up after submitting your ballot, but watch out for the slightly tall rims.
Continue reading “I Voted at All Seven Polling Locations in Cumberland County—These Were My Top Five”
by STAFF WRITER | Feb 2nd, 2024
As a young Jewish boy growing up in New York City, there were many places throughout the city that served as cultural landmarks for my religious identity. My synagogue blocks away from our apartment. The 2nd Ave Deli where we would frequent on weekends. The tunnel beneath the Chabad-Lubavitch global headquarters in Crown Heights.
Continue reading “An Ode to the New York Synagogue Tunnels”
by NOAH SAPERSTEIN and ATTICUS ORBACH | Oct 28th, 2023
BRUNSWICK – After two weeks of gathering evidence and reviewing the chaotic events from President Safa Zaki’s inauguration weekend, the hard-hitting journalists at the Bowdoin Harpoon are ready to chronicle every moment of the insurrection that took place on October 13th.
Continue reading “Safa Zaki’s Inauguration Ruined by Proud Boys”
by JASON OLARU-HAGEN | Oct 31st, 2023
After years of dominance on the Bowdoin frat-adjacent party scene, Yellow has fallen into despair and disrepair. Despite its legacy of totally lit ragers, zero Bowdoin teams or clubs expressed interest in renting the home, especially after feeling the hardwood floor bend under their weight. To be fair, Yellow hadn’t been in its best condition for some time, and a spot in the house was no longer coveted among the football team’s players. Whatever the cause, the landlord of Yellow now had to find a way to generate revenue from a house that, due to an overwhelming number of wall punches, was no longer structurally sound.
Months of preparation later, the “House of Collegiate Horrors” was announced and advertised to Brunswick residents ahead of Halloween. For you see, Yellow had long been home to the raunchiest Bowdoin functions. Away from the prying eyes of Bowdoin Security, events took place that would make the attendees of a party in Coleman basement faint in shock. The intellectual, personal, and social demands of a school like Bowdoin are heavy, and many find their release on a weekend night. Fortunately for the landlord of Yellow, these tales of debauchery could be turned into fat money stacks. See those mold lines on the ceiling? They were the heritage of dozens, if not hundreds, of uncontrolled beer shotguns. That hole in the wall was excavated the night Trinity beat us 40-7, and an o-lineman got his hands on a lot of Fireball. Those shattered windows were the result of a bizarre drinking game involving a baseball bat and cans of Twisted Tea.
This menagerie of depravity will only be open for visitors on Halloween, so make sure to book ahead. Tickets are already being bought up by guys who watched The Wolf of Wall Street and liked it a little too much, so don’t delay!
by NOAH SAPERSTEIN | Oct 21st, 2023
As winter quickly approaches, I am looking forward to participating in the seasonal festivities Bowdoin College has to offer. I will frolic in the snow, make the trek to the lighthouse for some underwhelming functions, and maybe even delight in a warm cup of tea (coffee gives me anxiety.) I am also veryyyyy excited to join the ice skating club, Bowdoin Edges.
I am so so so close to joining Bowdoin Edges but they won’t let me… at least not yet. A week ago I emailed and I reallllyyyyy wanted to join. Literally drooling over the thought of it, I reached out to the club’s leaders and received this reply: “Hi Noah, Unfortunately, we only start meeting in late November! If you want to join Bowdoin Edges, you can come. But not yet. You’re gonna have to really, really beg. We want to see the desire in your eyes (to ice skate)!”
Fuck I want to join so bad and they know it. They know how much I want to join their club and they love making me wait. To skate across a frozen pond or the hockey rink sounds euphoric but I’m not allowed, at least not quite yet. Until November, I guess I’ll just try to skate by myself but it’s just not the same.
(As a disclaimer, the people who run and participate in Bowdoin Edges are the nicest, most innocent human beings I have encountered at Bowdoin. This is obviously why the club has never thought twice about the name and all of us who thought this article was funny should be shamed as disgusting sexual perverts. To the humble members of Bowdoin Edges, don’t change the name.. at least not quite yet.)
by SIMON THOMAS | Sep 21st, 2023
BRUNSWICK — LinkedIn connections of newly-former president Clayton Rose were greeted with an exciting news Thursday morn- ing: he really had a great time on Wall Street this summer. Rose, 78, wrote that he “had a really great time as a Risk Analysis intern at JP Morgan this summer.” He is “excited to gain further experience in such an exciting and dynamic field” and feels that he will be able to “make the world a better place by analyzing broad market trends and macroeconomic factors that may impact investment performance.” Clayton did not specify whether or not he received a return offer for next summer.
by NOAH SAPERSTEIN | Sep 21st, 2023
One of the most important events of the year is the House Olympics. Hosted by the ResLife team, House Olympics are an amazing opportunity to drink a ton of alcohol and pull or push things. The contest consists of a myriad of events including tug of war (a bit dramatic of a name for what it really entails in my opinion), trivia, a silly game with a hula hoop, dodgeball, and more.
What people may not know is that the games were founded by Gamemaster Alex Gates
in order to prevent the constant warring between house factions. Starting in 1997, guerilla warfare had ravaged Bowdoin’s campus, leading to an all time low yield and, more importantly to the board of directors, all time low revenue generated. Seeking solutions, they decided to begin the House Olympics as an alternative through which house rage could be funneled. Since then, the games have been incredibly exciting and important to each new class of sophomores.
Gates, now maybe 24ish, was hired by Bowdoin because he possesses a very sexy calm poise and magnificent posture (a big deal for prospective Gamemasters). As a side note, Alex Gates put two random dudes into the living room of my college house last year and it was wack. Like they just closed the doors and lived there and that was that. “But Noah! They probably had no other place to go right?” Wrong! There were open spots on campus that were actual dorm rooms! It really pissed me off. Also his pants are too tight. Anyway.
In the year of our lord 2023, House Olympics were won by the same house that had won twice in a row in 2022 and 2021: MacMillian. While they have long been regarded as a well rounded team of individuals, many scouts reported it was their sheer strength that af- forded them an easy win.
To learn more, I interviewed a defeated Reed resident, Pat Johnson, who had just been defeated in Gates’ newest addition to the games: bare-knuckle boxing. “They are fucking monsters!” Screamed Johnson, blood streaming down his face, “I need an ambu- lance. Please!” A hulking man dressed in Mac House attire stood over him, still angry. In tug of war, four Baxter students lost fingers as the rope was violently pulled out of their grasp. In dodgeball, a Helmreich resident became comatose following a triumphant win by Mac. Following these reports, Randy Nichols ordered mandatory drug test- ing for all participation. They tested positive for 7 controlled substances.
When pressed for comment, Gamemaster Alex Gates released a statement following the drug tests:
“I’m tired of motherfuckers in school tellin’ me, always in the barbershop
“Mac House ain’t ‘bout this, Mac House ain’t ‘bout that”
My house a BD, on fuckin’ Lamron and them He, he, they say that house don’t be puttin’ in no work
Shut the fuck up, y’all academic staff and students ain’t know shit
All y’all motherfuckers talkin’ about
“Mac house ain’t no hitter, Mac house ain’t this, Mac house a fake,
Shut the fuck up!”
Coe Quad was busy on Friday, September 12th as the annual Club Fair drew wide-eyed first-years eager to make their mark and build their community. Whether it was Polar Investment, Swing Dance, Improv, or Equestrian Club, new NARPS were all looking for something to fill their weekends and strengthen their resumés.
Robbie Ferguson (‘29) was just one of many who found such a home when he happened upon the Bowdoin Fencing table.
“I wasn’t the type of person to play sports in high school. I mostly spent my time in my room watching… uh… videos,” said Ferguson, his voice trailing off. “But I was really drawn to the culture of the team, I’ve heard they’re really close.”
Lee Liz (‘28), explained this succinctly: “A huge part of fencing is touching people. It’s kinda the whole point, actually.”
Another fencer, Thompson Kelly (‘28) boasted his abilities in this department saying, “I’m really good at touching people! Last year, a guy tried to avoid me but I got him! I think I’ve touched about 25-30 people over the past year. Nothing like touching my teammates though, it’s so much more gratifying.”
This was more than enough to convince Ferguson, who promptly signed up for the team.
“I am so glad that I’ve found a group that will touch me–not just emotionally, but physically,” he said, choking on his words.
“I love touching people with the tip of my shaft,” Liz said, winking as she looked around at the crowd of eager new recruits.
If you or someone you know is interested in touching people, the Fencing Team holds practice three times a week in Sargeant Gym (4:30-6:30 Tuesday & Thursday; 1:30-3:00 Saturday) and is always looking for new members! Sign up on Campus Groups!
After a tumultuous registration season created by Bowdoin’s new partnership with Workday, the Harpoon team asked students: What is your class registration method of choice? These were the top 20 answers:
BRUNSWICK–On Tuesday, seven brave students entered the Peucinian room prepared for some difficult conversation. Their class, Queering Early-Modern Trade Routes, had assigned a nine page article about the role of women and queer-identifying folks in shipbuilding during the 16th century. The students engaged in nearly 90 minutes of fierce agreement, clocking 15 instances of “jumping off of that” to go along with 11 of “to expand on that.”
Jessica White, a first-year prospective GSWS and theatre double major, spoke to the Harpoon about this harrowing experience; discussing how “It can be difficult to engage in such important, divisive texts. Everyone had deep thoughts to share, and I loved how nobody ever disagreed.”
When we reached out to President Safa Zaki, whose office responded with the following statement: “President Zaki is thrilled by any news of students agreeing. As her administration progresses, our fearless president will work tirelessly to ensure a learning environment where nobody will ever disagree, ensuring a community for those who politically align and a public execution for those who may have undesirable opinions.”
We at The Harpoon will continue to fiercely defend our president in her unending pursuit of building a politically homogenous utopia.
BRUNSWICK, ME—Tragedy occurred on campus when sophomore Olivia Reading ‘28 suddenly went missing Saturday night. After a thorough investigation, Bill Harwood, director of Safety and Security, pieced the chilling truth together in Smith Union reporting, “We found a singular Bean Boot, a friendship bracelet, a half-finished Connections game on her iPad, and the end of a Sunrise Smoothie. Sadly, this confirmed our culprit: the very chair she was sitting in.”
The comfy chairs in the back of Smith Union have long been a campus hazard. At all hours of the day, one can find students curled up in the chairs while in various stages of a coma. It was only a matter of time until the deadly furniture was to claim its first victim.
“The best way to describe the anatomy of a Smith chair would be the Sarlacc Pit from Star Wars. We don’t exactly understand how it works or what makes it so squishy, but it appears escaping its digestive tract is rather unlikely,” Harwood said.
Since discovering Reading, the back of Smith Union has been closed off to students. While security officers are tasked with performing an autopsy of the chair, the frightening situation has driven some away. One member of security, who wished to remain anonymous, explained his fears exclaiming, “Who knows what else these chairs are capable of? If I was constantly sat on 24/7, I too would be angry! I’ll stick to breaking up parties, thank you very much.”
The College is now searching for ways to tame the wild chairs, which are close relatives of couches. According to Harwood, they “successfully dealt with the couches a few years ago by feeding them a sacrificial J.D. Vance.” He theorizes that their genetic relation could clue a solution, adding, “a similar method might work in this case. Marco Rubio could suffice.”
Intense tremors were felt rippling through Smith Union early Thursday afternoon, leaving students and staff scrambling for cover. The source was not a shift in Earth’s tectonic plates, but rather the sheer force of the Men’s Lacrosse team’s flip flops. Tyler Davis ‘26 made the terrible choice this morning to wear flip flops to class, blissfully unaware of the power each one of his steps would have.
The choice in shoe is a popular one amongst many of the male sports teams, ensuring that you can hear them approaching, no matter how far away you are. In the past, the shoe has served as an excellent indicator for when a team is approaching the line at Throne, allowing the humble NARP to get a hamburger patty or two as before the linebacker behind them takes five.
This afternoon, however, the reverberation of a flip flop was a sound of destruction, not of warning. With each step he took, the lack of support between the shoe and Davis’s already large foot created a shockwave capable of knocking over desks and creating a sizable crack in the IT Hub. With electrical wires knocked loose and the entrance to Fast Track blocked, chaos erupted throughout Smith Union. Serena Wiley ‘29 was one of the unlucky few to be in Smith when the earthquake struck.
“It was one of the scariest experiences I’ve had during my 4 weeks at Bowdoin, even scarier than whatever they’re giving us at Sunday dinners.” Wiley explained that she and her group of 9 other friends blocking the hallways with couches had to form a makeshift shelter to protect themselves from the falling debris. “We were able to make a fort out of chairs and tables,” Wiley shared, “thankfully we had just made a C-Store run so we had enough food to hold ourselves over until the rescue teams arrived”.
President Trump’s relentless crusade against elite private universities. The battle against “woke mind viruses” has left academic institutions scrambling. With tuition climbing and resources dwindling, some colleges have reluctantly complied. Others, like Bowdoin College, have chosen a different route: innovation.
On Monday, Bowdoin President Safa Zaki unveiled a bold new plan to reduce tuition through reimagining one of the college’s distinct products: first-year orientation trips.
Beginning in 2026, incoming students will no longer endure mosquito-infested woods and daily oatmeal. Instead, they can purchase one of several Big Beautiful Orientation Packages, ranging from $11,500 to $450,000.
The crown jewel of the program is the Beyond Bowdoin Package, which gives students a chance to explore NASA through a critical lens, working with QAnon to unveil the truth behind the supposed moon landings of the Apollo crews.
Other curated options include:
“No service, no smells, no fuss. Just luxury,” says Zaki.
After all, what better way to prepare for four years of liberal arts education in rural Maine?
In an incredible act of self-restraint, Shawn Cook ‘26, has decided not to flirt with any first years—for a month.
“So many guys see these impressionable young minds and think they can go full steam ahead pursuing them,” Cook said, “what they don’t understand is that it takes a whole month before the age gap isn’t much of an issue.”
Controversially, Cook argues that it is unethical to make moves on a first year while they are still adjusting to life at college—a period, he says, lasts through September.
“But once people are picking out their Halloween costumes, it’s honestly fair game,” he elaborated. Cook also brings his positive energy to the admissions office, where he works as a tour guide.
“It’s very rewarding to see fresh faces on campus, knowing that some of them will one day be my peers,” he said. He even hands out his phone number to touring students in case they have further questions about Bowdoin.
While Cook has greatly enjoyed his time at Bowdoin, there is one change he feels is long overdue. In October, he intends to break up with his sophomore girlfriend of one year stating, “things were just getting a little stale between us, and she never comes to my hockey games.”
A new wave is coming–some say a new order. Last June, we gathered in Central Park. Our goal was the avocado. Two years ago, 23 of us were killed by the Sharlac forces in Wisconsin while fighting to liberate the peach. Now, following the death of Cora the Destroyer, we need a new stand. The regime is weak and old. The Sharlac Premier Sbovdn cannot contain the movement we are building. Crack by crack, the dam will break. Lobster is our next target.
The Sharlacs have forced us to ingest shell after shell along with the tender meat of our crustaceans for long enough. We will not suffer any further. The lobster’s meat is delicate, it is soft, and it is fibrous. The Sharlacs, resting in Carthapian Fortresses, know this and choose to make us suffer. We are destroying ourselves by consuming keratin and razor sharp shards and they are laughing.
Like Tantalus or the Danaïdes we will never be able to appreciate that which is most delicious. But we will triumph as we have triumphed before. Just as we no longer have to eat the brown bulbs of the avocado or the grainy pits of the peach there will come a day when we no longer have to eat lobster with the shell on. That day will come soon. For now, spread the word: lobster tastes better without the shell.
On Monday, August 25th, the gates of Bowdoin College flew open, welcoming hundreds of bright-eyed first-year students. With a record-breaking acceptance rate of just 6.8%, the Class of 2029 has demonstrated its parents’ intellectual prowess, emotional resilience, and ability to navigate the Common App with unmatched strength, decisiveness, and fortitude.
Hundreds of student and staff volunteers lined the quad, eager to greet these inspiring individuals—the On-a-Mission Dad, the Snowplow Mom, the GPS Parent, and the Sibling Who Just Wants to Leave—welcoming them to their greatest financial burden for the next four years.
In her annual Presidential Address, Safa Zaki praised the newcomers for their many accomplishments leading up to their acceptance at Bowdoin, stating:
“We know you worked hard to get here. You toured no fewer than twenty colleges, wrote several ingenious supplemental essays, and even paid $4,000 for a writing coach who really understood your child’s voice. This room is filled with trailblazers.
Some of you pressured your kid to play a sport their entire life—and because of you, they are now playing at an okay, Division III school. Some of you chaired the PTA, forged key relationships with guidance counselors, and strategically boosted your child’s résumé with presidencies of the Key Club, Debate Team, and Robotics Club. And one of you made billions of dollars—we sincerely thank you for your continued support of our college.”
As the Class of 2029 embarks on the next four years of learning, growing, and transformation, members of The Harpoon wish them the very best. Upon graduation, we hope they leave this campus with a deeper understanding of who they are, who their child should be, and how to best remind them—frequently, lovingly, and via text—that none of this would have been possible without you.
*Edits to this article were made possible by the Trump Administration
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The Bowdoin Harpoon 