First Years Already Cooler than Their O-Trip Leader

by DAN RALSTON Sep. 13, 2019

Sophomore Ralph Deeps was feeling pretty good upon returning to campus after leading the Saddleback F BOC O-Trip. He was relishing in the superiority he felt over the eight first years on his trip, and he figured he would have at least one month on campus to bask in this false dominance.

Continue reading “First Years Already Cooler than Their O-Trip Leader”

New B-Host System to Replace A-Host System in Lower-Tier College Houses

by BLAINE STEVENS September 9, 2019

This past Wednesday, the Office of Residential Life announced ground-breaking new changes to the college’s event registration system with an addition to the A-Host system. Calling the changes “innovative” and “much needed,” Residential Life has stated that lower-tier College Houses will now have to abide by the new B-Host system and will be banned from using the well-known A-Host system.

Continue reading “New B-Host System to Replace A-Host System in Lower-Tier College Houses”

Park Row Opens At 75% Cost, 75% Completion

By JACOB BASKES Sep. 4, 2019

The new Park Row Apartments mostly opened to 88 lucky students on Sunday, marking the end of what was originally a 16-month project—completed in just 12. The apartments were built using just three quarters of the money that peer institutions spend on similar projects, and include only three quarters of the flooring, plumbing, and furnished bedrooms seen in those same developments.

Continue reading “Park Row Opens At 75% Cost, 75% Completion”

Russian Department Honestly Convinced Posters Will Work This Time

by ETHAN BENVINGTON May 1, 2019

Surprising any student who has been in a campus building during their Bowdoin career, the Bowdoin College Russian Department is seriously convinced their poster campaign is going to get more students into the department this time around. Seriously.

Continue reading “Russian Department Honestly Convinced Posters Will Work This Time”

Oriental Express: Juniors Gentrify Ladd

April 29, 2019

By Calderon McHuman and the Pied Piper (with Editorial Assistance from the Bowdoin Harpoon)

Here’s your rundown of marginally notable news that you “ABSOLUTELY NEED” to know this week:

1. JUNIORS GENTRIFY LADD

After a struggling Ladd house failed to get enough Senior renters for next year, the house turned to Juniors for an injection of cash and youth to the neighborhood renowned for its quaint and ideal location. However, some residents fear the new Juniors will gentrify the locale, making it harder for generations and generations of Seniors who have lived there to stay. Any complaints can be directed to the Director of Zoning and Permitting Lisa Rendall.

See how you can help preserve the Ladd Culture here. (Yikes the Orient didn’t put this article online. Email orientwebmaster@gmail.com if you are concerned.)

2. JULIA IOFFE TELLS STUDENTS WHAT RUSSIA WANTS, TARGETED BY NERVE AGENT NEXT DAY

Last week, journalist Julia Ioffe came to speak about what Russia wants (and it is more than genuine human connection). Rather, she revealed some of Putin’s deepest and most lustful desires: a Russian eternal hegemony. After such a revealing expose of Putin, former KGB agents were seen sneaking around campus.

Thought you saw some wandering KGB agents? Find out why here.

3. BASEBALL TEAM “FINDS IT GROVE”

Bumbling around in Southern California early in the season, the baseball team was surprisingly unable to find any groves on America’s lush West coast. Nonetheless, the team spent a few weeks earnestly searching in the Brunswick area for a grove, and it appears to have paid off. Baseball is on a hot streak after finding their grove, winning an impressive 3 of their last 6 games. Team captains refused to reveal the location of this mysterious grove that is apparently enhancing their performance.

Learn how you can find your own grove here.

The Harpoon apologizes for the lack of funny and interesting content in the Orient this week.

Love the Oriental Express? Wear it as your ivies outfit!

Compiled by Will Hausmann

First Year Shows Up In Front of Hubbard for Quad Day

by ELIZA JEVON April 28, 2019

Dan Polonski was stoked for Ivies. It was true–he had felt the ups and downs of his first year at Bowdoin a little harder than his classmates. He ran out of polar points from eating c-store meals alone, spent more time in the stacks than he did sleeping, and waved back to people actually waving to the person behind him at least three times a day. However, he woke up Friday morning ready to transform himself.  

Continue reading “First Year Shows Up In Front of Hubbard for Quad Day”

Jesus Died for Your Sins, but He’s Still Really Disappointed in Your Decisions

by JACK SHANE April 21, 2019

Easter is today – you know what that means! People finally get to start engaging in those diabolical activities they gave up for Lent. But if we are being honest with ourselves, Jesus died for our sins, but he’d be really disappointed in your recent decisions.

Ok yes, you are a college student so he can’t get mad about the sleeping through classes thing. Hell, Jesus probably had to call a rain check on the Last Supper because he was totally overwhelmed by it all. He seemed to have some pretty cool friends, so they probably didn’t even bat an eye. And the alcohol you destroy your liver with every weekend is fine because we all know it’s related to wine, and Jesus drank lots of wine (he even turned water into wine, so who’s the real alcoholic?). Even that weed you try to hide is fine because we all know Jesus was a low-key pot head. Even the occasional cocaine isn’t the worst because, hey, the Bible never said, “Don’t do coke.”

That being said, Jesus would be absolutely baffled by your more “absurd” recent decisions. These include, in no particular order, chasing after a squirrel on the Quad for 20 minutes, daytime streaking, showering without a towel “for the fun of it,” and attempting to climb the flagpole to “finish the level of Super Mario Bros.”

Oriental Express: Fumi Abe Leaves Audience Members Fumi-ng

April 22, 2019

By Calderon McHuman and the Pied Piper (with Editorial Assistance from the Bowdoin Harpoon)

Here’s your rundown of marginally notable news that you “ABSOLUTELY NEED” to know this week:

1. WHAT JOHN KASICH DID (AND DIDN’T (AND DIDN’T DIDN’T)) SAY

John Kasich visited campus last week for a medical examination from “Doctor” Clayton Rose and for the opportunity to pontificate on Jesus, Republicans, “solving race,” and Teslas. Supposedly, he answered some questions along the way too, but that is still up for debate. Additionally, Kasich stated he would not run for president at the moment, nor endorse Andrew Yang.

Learn about all the questions John Kasich interrupted here.

2. SAFC NEARLY BOUNCES LAST CHECK

The SAFC is officially out of money. After the SAFC spent most of its money in the first semester, club leaders should be sure to think of many fake reasons to request money next September before the $700,000 budget disappears. The SAFC Treasurer also encouraged collaboration between clubs with similar missions to combine funding, such as the Orient and the Harpoon or Bridge Club and the Rugby Team.

Get ideas for stupid stuff your club can spend money on here.

3. FUMI ABE LEAVES AUDIENCE MEMBERS FUMI-NG

In a bit of an ironic twist, the Asian Students Alliance and the Center for Multicultural Life presented a comedian now accused of making sexist and racist comments during his performance at Bowdoin. This performance was somewhat off-brand from the group’s mission (hopefully). Additionally, one hopes that ASA wasn’t taking to much money from the SAFC for this performance, as it could have been put to better use elsewhere, such as prizes for the Finance Club.

Find out the standard to beat if you want to be the next Asian Heritage Month comedian here.

4. STUDENTS GET TO PLAY GAMES INSTEAD OF DOING HOMEWORK

Students from Professor Nerdahl’s Roman Republic class mounted the museum steps last week to play a “game,” while other students bemoaned the drudgery of actual classwork. Conservative old guys everywhere question how one can learn from their courses without painful and joyless work. The professor was unable to comment on whether students were paying $70,000 a year for alternative Dungeon and Dragons.

Learn all about the new wave of role playing here.

5. MISHRA HOPES TO TALK TO PEOPLE

Bowdoin Students welcome a new chief executive, Ural Mishra, whose victorious campaign was motivated by his life changing experience while abroad. Mishra also claimed to have run after deciding he was the best candidate available, perhaps even born to be (BSG) president, a la Beto O’Rourke. As president, Mishra plans to talk to people, an impressively lofty goal that we are curious if he will pull off.

Ice breakers for chats with Ural can be found here here.

Love the Oriental Express? Wear it as your ivies outfit!

Compiled by Will Hausmann