Wi-Fi Crashes After an Influx of Insta and Snapchat Stories of the First Snow

by WILL HAUSMANN Nov. 18, 2019

After a peaceful few weeks without an email from the BSG Ad-hoc committee on Wi-Fi, it seemed as though Bowdoin’s Wi-Fi ailments were solved. Some students even reported the ability to watch a full episode of the Magic School Bus for their Biology class without ever having to turn off their Wi-Fi and then turn it back on. 

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REPORT: CDC Blames Bowdoin for Outbreak of Super-Flu

by NICHOLAS CATTANEO Nov. 14, 2019

Last Friday, the CDC broke the news of an outbreak of a new antibiotic resistant “super flu” originating from our very own campus. Their report chronicled that the mutation was only possible as a result of the coupling of Bowdoin’s incredibly close-knit community with Bowdoin students’ stubborn refusal to take even a single sick day.

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Black Ice: Randy Nichols Mows Down Sophomore Crossing Maine Street

by JACOB BASKES Nov. 13, 2019

In an email sent on Tuesday evening, Head of Bowdoin Safety and Security Randy Nichols warned that roads around campus had become dangerous as a result of the previous day’s freezing rain. Seventeen minutes later, Nichols sent out a follow-up email announcing that he had run over a sophomore boy crossing the street outside of MacMillan house.

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Monsanto Buys Bowdoin Organic Garden

by JACK SHANE Nov. 6, 2019

Since pledging to give a whole 72 cents more to housekeepers over 32 years, Bowdoin has desperately been trying to find ways to raise the money to pay for this exceptional wage increase. According to a recent press release from the Bowdoin Organic Garden, Bowdoin may have found the saving grace in the form of cancer-causing, environment hating Monsanto, who just bought the Bowdoin Organic Garden with $4 found on the floor.

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Student Dresses As Prozac For Halloween Party, Takes Away Everyone’s Sex Drive

by THEO DANZIG Nov. 5, 2019

Sophomore Zachary Leibowitz thought he had found the perfect Halloween costume. He had been planning for the annual festival of witchery for weeks and believed he had struck the perfect balance between humor and cultural sensitivity. By dressing up as Prozac, Zachary believed he would lift the spirits of everyone he saw.

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No Nut Milk November: Almond Milk Banned From Campus Dining Halls

by HOLLY LYNE Nov. 4, 2019

In a statement released during their November 1 press conference, Bowdoin Dining announced: “In observance of the celebration of No Nut November, we will remove almond milk and all other nut milks from Moulton and Thorne. We will not serve nut milks to students until December.” 

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Close Call! Jock Narrowly Avoids Eye Contact with Girl He Was Inside of Last Weekend

by BLAINE STEVENS Oct. 30, 2019

This morning, senior Mark P. Ullout was on the receiving end of a miracle in the middle of Thorne Dining Hall—in a turn of events that Ullout called “a gift from Yahweh Himself,” the athlete was able to successfully avoid interacting with the female student he was inside of this past Saturday evening. Thankful to have evaded the consequences of his questionable drunken decisions, Ullout described a scene that he claimed was nearly “a complete and utter fucking nightmare.” The self-described “athletic star,” who received an astounding 17 minutes and 32 seconds of playing time this past season, shocked Harpoon reporters with his descriptions of his traumatizing close call. 

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