Trump Acquitted of Obstruction of Congress, Bowel Obstruction Unresolved

by THEO DANZIG Feb. 6, 2020

Republicans celebrated Wednesday evening as President Trump was acquitted of both impeachment charges. However, while Trump was absolved of obstruction of Congress, senior White House staffers informed the Harpoon that Trump’s bowel obstruction remains very much unresolved.

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New NatGeo Study: Mules May be Sterile but Polar Bears Can’t Stop Masturbating

by LIA KORNMEHL

In their January 2020 newsletter, National Geographic’s bi-annual Animal Sexual Activity (ASA) Report detailed that while mules are still sterile, new evidence shows that polar bears masturbate an average of 18 hours a day. The data was recorded from a study of 37 polar bears, or virtually the planet’s entire remaining polar bear population.

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Is He a First Year I Haven’t Met or the Junior Everyone Tells Me is “So Cool”?

by LIA KORNMEHL

You see him sitting two tables down from yours in Moulton Dark Room. He’s not wearing anything especially noticeable, and his face screams, “I’m a normal human being.” You furrow your brow in deep thought. Was he in your first semester thirty-five-person Microeconomics class? Or did he just return from a four-month jaunt in Amsterdam or London or Chile? 

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Wi-Fi Crashes After an Influx of Insta and Snapchat Stories of the First Snow

by WILL HAUSMANN Nov. 18, 2019

After a peaceful few weeks without an email from the BSG Ad-hoc committee on Wi-Fi, it seemed as though Bowdoin’s Wi-Fi ailments were solved. Some students even reported the ability to watch a full episode of the Magic School Bus for their Biology class without ever having to turn off their Wi-Fi and then turn it back on. 

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