Category: U.S.

New Study Finds That 100% of Dads Would Give Left Nut To Go Back to Summer of ‘83

by BLAINE STEVENS February 11, 2019

Based on the in-depth testimonies of all 60 million middle-aged fathers across the country, a new study published in the peer-reviewed sociological journal, Playboy, confirmed the long-believed speculation that 100% of dads would, in fact, give their left nut to go back to the summer of ‘83.

Continue reading “New Study Finds That 100% of Dads Would Give Left Nut To Go Back to Summer of ‘83”

Hintze Declares 2020 Presidential Bid

by THEO DANZIG February 7, 2019

On Wednesday, Bowdoin College Director of Student Activities Nate Hintze announced his candidacy for the 2020 Presidential Election. Speaking in Smith Union to a crowd of disinterested students who were really just trying to finish their homework before their class in 15 minutes, Hintze declared that if elected, he would take his philosophy of “creating safe, inclusive, and fun” spaces to the White House, along with his uncanny ability to make every interaction awkward. 

Continue reading “Hintze Declares 2020 Presidential Bid”

Frat Boi Who Unfollowed EDM Playlist Is Castrated

by ELIZA JEVON February 6, 2019

Chaz Johnson was once a loyal member of Sigma Phi. He did a keg stand at every meal, hooked up with the hottest of the Kappa Kappa Kappa Kappa Kappas, got decked out in hoodies and jerseys with his brothers, and thrashed around with them in dark dank basements in tandem movements they called dancing. But most importantly, he worshipped EDM. Zedd was his hero. Chaz, who has twice been to the doctor to address the continuous electronic beat pulsing in his left ear, said, “Despite the medical percussions [repercussions], no one can take EDM away from me.”

Albums upon albums of EDM dominated his Spotify account. As the vibe of the fraternity drastically changes from night to night, he needed to have a different playlist for each possible scene. He curated twelve playlists that were “totally different” from one another and “for sure unique.” “Body” is on all of them.

However, while Chaz claimed to be an EDM fan, his Spotify 2018 Wrapped report revealed otherwise. In reality, Chaz was in love with indie-folk. In his words, “There is something magical about creating music through blowing on grass and carving banjos out of trees.” The way the guitars strum together in perfect harmony reminded of him of his childhood, summering on Nantucket. He actually had plans to run away to California, live in a shack, and build up his own indie-folk music empire all on his own with an interest-free billion dollar loan from Daddy. Chaz was totally dedicated to this genre.

So one day, Chaz decided enough was enough. He would unfollow EDM and give his soul to the world of indie-folk. However, hours before Chaz boarded his first class flight to California (he needs extra leg room for his emotional support animal, Al the pygmy llama), Sigma Phi sacked him, tied him to a urinal, and offered him his weapon of choice. “You know the price,” they said in cult-like unison. Listening to anything other than the holy chants of EDM was sacrilegious. His fraternity brethren had not raised him this way. The years of not hazing Chaz was supposed to teach him that the only way to success was through EDM. It was the melody of the brotherhood.

Chaz had failed his brothers and, most importantly, failed himself. Castration was the only logical conclusion. He would never have an heir; he would never be able to create a sinful male child with an inherited distaste for EDM.

But it was all worth it. Chaz was off to study guitar and peace in Cali. Sigma Phi, like his college education, was “Lost in the Fire.” EDM, like what remained under his long-boarding shorts, would be just a small distant memory.

I Keep Receiving Notifications of a Court Date – Why Do They Not Get that I am Taken!?!

By AINE LAWLOR Oct. 1, 2018

I have received like four emails and at least six letters saying that I have a court date I need to attend and like why don’t they get that I am not interested. I mean seriously people, I’ve posted about my bae like 4 times – get the message! Continue reading “I Keep Receiving Notifications of a Court Date – Why Do They Not Get that I am Taken!?!”

BREAKING: All Kardashians Pregnant with SAME BABY!

By JACOB BASKES Oct. 3, 2017

Rumors have been flying like WORMS this week as Internet users speculated that Kylie Jenner, Kim Kardashian West, and Khloe Kardashian are all pregnant. A recent tweet shared by the pop culture icons confirms the suspicion, but with a notable twist: they’re all pregnant with the SAME baby!

kardishians
Graphic by Arah Kang

Everyone is in SHOCK with regards to the newest reveal. The announcement came on Thursday morning via Kylie’s Twitter (@KylieJenner) where she wrote, “#excited and #blessed to be sharing a #baby with my #sisters!! It will be much easier to keep track of our #samebaby than #multiplebabies!”

Since then, both #samebaby and #multiplebabies have been trending on Twitter and Facebook in a flurry of shock and confusion, but mostly confusion. Fans will have to wait another 6 months to see how this all plays out, but our money is on some strange birth defect resulting in a really good series arc for season 15 of Keeping Up with the Kardashians.

Trump Concerned About Hitting Head on Debt Ceiling

By ETHAN BEVINGTON Oct. 2, 2017

In a statement released earlier this week, President Trump alluded to his fear of hitting his head on the United States debt ceiling

“All these people around me keep telling me I should start worrying about the debt ceiling,” said Trump. “It must be so low if everyone is talking about it. I mean, I am tall. Very tall. Really, really tall. So I am at a very high risk of being hurt by a low debt ceiling. Very high risk.”

Trump Concerned About Hitting Head
Graphic by Arah Kang

“We’ve done all we can to explain to him that the term does not refer to a literal ceiling,” said a White House aide who spoke under the condition of anonymity. “Supply and demand graphs, metaphors, thought experiments. We even wrote and performed a puppet show, but we couldn’t get it under 45 seconds so he lost interest.”

“If I had been in charge of this ceiling, it would’ve been the highest ceiling this country has ever seen,” continued Trump. “It would’ve been a magnificent, soaring ceiling, just like the ceilings in my buildings. So high. Massive. No one would hurt.”

America remains on the precipice of default and undermining the credibility upon which the entire global economy rests.

How We Calculated the 2018 Best Colleges Rankings: Fuck It, They’re Just Alphabetical

By SARA BARONSKY Sep. 26, 2017

The U.S. News and World Report knows that the college experience can’t be measured by a series of data points. So this year, we’ve ditched all the complicated formulas and charts to get to academia’s true essence. This year, the “Best National Liberal Arts Colleges of 2018” is just a straight up alphabetical list. Hopefully, this shake-up holds our readers’ attention just long enough to remind them that we publish more than annual college rankings!

Best National Liberal Arts Colleges

  1. Amherst College
  2. Bard College
  3. Barnard College
  4. Bates College
  5. Bowdoin College
  6. Bryn Mawr College
  7. Bucknell University
  8. Carleton College
  9. Centre College
  10. Claremont McKenna College

Our Formula

To calculate our rankings, U.S. News gathered data from each college on 15 diverse indicators of academic excellence, such as graduation rates, faculty information and admissions statistics.

Then, we threw it all away, and looked only how each college’s name is spelled. But don’t get too hung up on that; remember, we rank a ton of other stuff, too! Like law firms! And diets!

How the Methodology Works

Schools whose names begin with “A” were given higher rankings than schools whose names began with “B,” “C,” or even “D.”  Once we had thoroughly weighed and compared first letters, we moved on to the second letters, rigorously assessing how early in the alphabet each letter appeared. By the way, why don’t you check out our Opinions section? There’s an article called “Why We Need to Talk More Openly About Suicide.” That seems interesting, right?

Sorry, Williams

Please keep in mind that this ranking should not be your only criterion when making a college decision. After you factor in campus feel, academic rigor, and financial aid, you may find that Grinnell is a better fit for you than Barnard. While you’re at it, you may also want to check out our news section! We’ve got lots of articles about Trump!

Is our methodology slightly different from last year? Yes. Are our rankings still the same objective indicators of something about colleges? Again, yes. Are we actively changing the criteria to get people talking about us? Absolutely.

 

 

Gerrymandering in North Carolina Includes Moscow in 19th District

By SAM HALPERT Sep. 24, 2017

Republicans in the North Carolina state legislature called a special session yesterday to redraw the state’s 19th congressional district to include Ft. Bragg, Spring Lake, and Moscow, Russia. Ft. Bragg and Spring Lake were both formerly a part of the state’s 21st district while Moscow was previously a part of the Russian Federation.

Gerrymandering in North Carolina Includes
Moscow and North Carolina go together like homophobia and Moscow and/or North Carolina

Gerrymandering, the practice of strategically redrawing voting districts with the voting tendencies of constituent peoples in mind, has long been criticized as a way for incumbents to choose their voters with the aim of preserving political power. Many critics pointed out that Ft. Bragg and Spring Lake both lean Democrat, with Hillary Clinton picking up 51% and 53% of the vote respectively in the 2016 General Election. Moscow elected Vladimir Putin in the last election with 103% of the vote. Boris Nemtsov, an opposition candidate, was subsequently murdered in February of 2015.

Critics of the new redistricting plan are also up in arms about ballot integrity. Proponents of the new plan, however, point to the KGB’s offer to “secure the voting process” as a sufficient measure to protect against any sort of voter fraud. Steve Bannon has also personally volunteered to count the votes with the tentacles that exist where his hands should be.

 

Only 90s Kids Will Get Evicted From Their Homes Because of Crippling Levels of Student Debt

By ETHAN BEVINGTON Sep. 22, 2017

The 90s were a glorious time of consistent economic growth, great young adult literature, and flawless animated television. Times were simpler. Children played outside and drank from the hose instead of playing on their iPhones while sipping Kombucha. Now, all the children of this Golden Generation are saddled with unprecedented levels of college debt.

Only 90s kids will remember planning their whole life playing MASH and failing to predict the rising price of college that would cause them to take on soul crushing debt.

MASH

Only 90s kids will remember buying books from the scholastic books fair handout instead of saving to pay the interest on student loans.Scholastic

Only 90s kids will remember using a paper fortune teller to pick their spouse, who they had no idea would be kidnapped from what they thought was their home in the dead of night when Jimmy Nugs the loan shark came to collect.

Fortune TellerOnly 90s kids will remember how cool Heelys were and wish they had them now to escape from debtors’ prison.Heelys

Only 90s kids will remember wanting more than anything to be slimed on a Nickelodeon program, but now just want a home, or at least a clean cell.

SONY DSC