Category: U.S.

REPORT: CDC Blames Bowdoin for Outbreak of Super-Flu

by NICHOLAS CATTANEO Nov. 14, 2019

Last Friday, the CDC broke the news of an outbreak of a new antibiotic resistant “super flu” originating from our very own campus. Their report chronicled that the mutation was only possible as a result of the coupling of Bowdoin’s incredibly close-knit community with Bowdoin students’ stubborn refusal to take even a single sick day.

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Trump Moves Troops to Wisconsin to Protect Cheese Curds

By WILL HAUSMANN Oct. 22, 2019

After Trump’s withdrawal of troops from Northern Syria was decried by high level diplomats, Trump’s own mother, and even Kermit the Frog, the President announced that the troops would be relocated to military bases across the state of Wisconsin. This questionable military policy is allegedly to protect and support our “allies and dear friends, the Cheese Curds.”

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JUUL Denies Breast Milk Pods Targeted at Infants

by THEO DANZIG October 4, 2019

JUUL labs was embroiled in controversy this past week, amid claims that its newest pod flavor, Breastmilk, is targeted toward infants. The FDA has sought to ban the breastmilk pods, claiming that their primary consumers are babies. JUUL’s lawyers argue that the breastmilk pods are intended for nicotine users of all ages.

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Trump Impeachment Similar to Weekend Hookup: Came Too Fast and Can’t Wait for Things to End

by LIA KORNMEHL Oct. 2, 2019

No one was surprised when, after a few moments of grunting, pushing, and eye rolling, Nancy Pelosi announced a formal impeachment inquiry concerning President Donald Trump’s call with the Ukrainian president. 

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New Study Finds That 100% of Dads Would Give Left Nut To Go Back to Summer of ‘83

by BLAINE STEVENS February 11, 2019

Based on the in-depth testimonies of all 60 million middle-aged fathers across the country, a new study published in the peer-reviewed sociological journal, Playboy, confirmed the long-believed speculation that 100% of dads would, in fact, give their left nut to go back to the summer of ‘83.

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Hintze Declares 2020 Presidential Bid

by THEO DANZIG February 7, 2019

On Wednesday, Bowdoin College Director of Student Activities Nate Hintze announced his candidacy for the 2020 Presidential Election. Speaking in Smith Union to a crowd of disinterested students who were really just trying to finish their homework before their class in 15 minutes, Hintze declared that if elected, he would take his philosophy of “creating safe, inclusive, and fun” spaces to the White House, along with his uncanny ability to make every interaction awkward. 

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Frat Boi Who Unfollowed EDM Playlist Is Castrated

by ELIZA JEVON February 6, 2019

Chaz Johnson was once a loyal member of Sigma Phi. He did a keg stand at every meal, hooked up with the hottest of the Kappa Kappa Kappa Kappa Kappas, got decked out in hoodies and jerseys with his brothers, and thrashed around with them in dark dank basements in tandem movements they called dancing. But most importantly, he worshipped EDM. Zedd was his hero. Chaz, who has twice been to the doctor to address the continuous electronic beat pulsing in his left ear, said, “Despite the medical percussions [repercussions], no one can take EDM away from me.”

Albums upon albums of EDM dominated his Spotify account. As the vibe of the fraternity drastically changes from night to night, he needed to have a different playlist for each possible scene. He curated twelve playlists that were “totally different” from one another and “for sure unique.” “Body” is on all of them.

However, while Chaz claimed to be an EDM fan, his Spotify 2018 Wrapped report revealed otherwise. In reality, Chaz was in love with indie-folk. In his words, “There is something magical about creating music through blowing on grass and carving banjos out of trees.” The way the guitars strum together in perfect harmony reminded of him of his childhood, summering on Nantucket. He actually had plans to run away to California, live in a shack, and build up his own indie-folk music empire all on his own with an interest-free billion dollar loan from Daddy. Chaz was totally dedicated to this genre.

So one day, Chaz decided enough was enough. He would unfollow EDM and give his soul to the world of indie-folk. However, hours before Chaz boarded his first class flight to California (he needs extra leg room for his emotional support animal, Al the pygmy llama), Sigma Phi sacked him, tied him to a urinal, and offered him his weapon of choice. “You know the price,” they said in cult-like unison. Listening to anything other than the holy chants of EDM was sacrilegious. His fraternity brethren had not raised him this way. The years of not hazing Chaz was supposed to teach him that the only way to success was through EDM. It was the melody of the brotherhood.

Chaz had failed his brothers and, most importantly, failed himself. Castration was the only logical conclusion. He would never have an heir; he would never be able to create a sinful male child with an inherited distaste for EDM.

But it was all worth it. Chaz was off to study guitar and peace in Cali. Sigma Phi, like his college education, was “Lost in the Fire.” EDM, like what remained under his long-boarding shorts, would be just a small distant memory.