Category: U.S.

I Keep Receiving Notifications of a Court Date – Why Do They Not Get that I am Taken!?!

By AINE LAWLOR Oct. 1, 2018

I have received like four emails and at least six letters saying that I have a court date I need to attend and like why don’t they get that I am not interested. I mean seriously people, I’ve posted about my bae like 4 times – get the message! Continue reading “I Keep Receiving Notifications of a Court Date – Why Do They Not Get that I am Taken!?!”

BREAKING: All Kardashians Pregnant with SAME BABY!

By JACOB BASKES Oct. 3, 2017

Rumors have been flying like WORMS this week as Internet users speculated that Kylie Jenner, Kim Kardashian West, and Khloe Kardashian are all pregnant. A recent tweet shared by the pop culture icons confirms the suspicion, but with a notable twist: they’re all pregnant with the SAME baby!

kardishians
Graphic by Arah Kang

Everyone is in SHOCK with regards to the newest reveal. The announcement came on Thursday morning via Kylie’s Twitter (@KylieJenner) where she wrote, “#excited and #blessed to be sharing a #baby with my #sisters!! It will be much easier to keep track of our #samebaby than #multiplebabies!”

Since then, both #samebaby and #multiplebabies have been trending on Twitter and Facebook in a flurry of shock and confusion, but mostly confusion. Fans will have to wait another 6 months to see how this all plays out, but our money is on some strange birth defect resulting in a really good series arc for season 15 of Keeping Up with the Kardashians.

Trump Concerned About Hitting Head on Debt Ceiling

By ETHAN BEVINGTON Oct. 2, 2017

In a statement released earlier this week, President Trump alluded to his fear of hitting his head on the United States debt ceiling

“All these people around me keep telling me I should start worrying about the debt ceiling,” said Trump. “It must be so low if everyone is talking about it. I mean, I am tall. Very tall. Really, really tall. So I am at a very high risk of being hurt by a low debt ceiling. Very high risk.”

Trump Concerned About Hitting Head
Graphic by Arah Kang

“We’ve done all we can to explain to him that the term does not refer to a literal ceiling,” said a White House aide who spoke under the condition of anonymity. “Supply and demand graphs, metaphors, thought experiments. We even wrote and performed a puppet show, but we couldn’t get it under 45 seconds so he lost interest.”

“If I had been in charge of this ceiling, it would’ve been the highest ceiling this country has ever seen,” continued Trump. “It would’ve been a magnificent, soaring ceiling, just like the ceilings in my buildings. So high. Massive. No one would hurt.”

America remains on the precipice of default and undermining the credibility upon which the entire global economy rests.

How We Calculated the 2018 Best Colleges Rankings: Fuck It, They’re Just Alphabetical

By SARA BARONSKY Sep. 26, 2017

The U.S. News and World Report knows that the college experience can’t be measured by a series of data points. So this year, we’ve ditched all the complicated formulas and charts to get to academia’s true essence. This year, the “Best National Liberal Arts Colleges of 2018” is just a straight up alphabetical list. Hopefully, this shake-up holds our readers’ attention just long enough to remind them that we publish more than annual college rankings!

Best National Liberal Arts Colleges

  1. Amherst College
  2. Bard College
  3. Barnard College
  4. Bates College
  5. Bowdoin College
  6. Bryn Mawr College
  7. Bucknell University
  8. Carleton College
  9. Centre College
  10. Claremont McKenna College

Our Formula

To calculate our rankings, U.S. News gathered data from each college on 15 diverse indicators of academic excellence, such as graduation rates, faculty information and admissions statistics.

Then, we threw it all away, and looked only how each college’s name is spelled. But don’t get too hung up on that; remember, we rank a ton of other stuff, too! Like law firms! And diets!

How the Methodology Works

Schools whose names begin with “A” were given higher rankings than schools whose names began with “B,” “C,” or even “D.”  Once we had thoroughly weighed and compared first letters, we moved on to the second letters, rigorously assessing how early in the alphabet each letter appeared. By the way, why don’t you check out our Opinions section? There’s an article called “Why We Need to Talk More Openly About Suicide.” That seems interesting, right?

Sorry, Williams

Please keep in mind that this ranking should not be your only criterion when making a college decision. After you factor in campus feel, academic rigor, and financial aid, you may find that Grinnell is a better fit for you than Barnard. While you’re at it, you may also want to check out our news section! We’ve got lots of articles about Trump!

Is our methodology slightly different from last year? Yes. Are our rankings still the same objective indicators of something about colleges? Again, yes. Are we actively changing the criteria to get people talking about us? Absolutely.

 

 

Gerrymandering in North Carolina Includes Moscow in 19th District

By SAM HALPERT Sep. 24, 2017

Republicans in the North Carolina state legislature called a special session yesterday to redraw the state’s 19th congressional district to include Ft. Bragg, Spring Lake, and Moscow, Russia. Ft. Bragg and Spring Lake were both formerly a part of the state’s 21st district while Moscow was previously a part of the Russian Federation.

Gerrymandering in North Carolina Includes
Moscow and North Carolina go together like homophobia and Moscow and/or North Carolina

Gerrymandering, the practice of strategically redrawing voting districts with the voting tendencies of constituent peoples in mind, has long been criticized as a way for incumbents to choose their voters with the aim of preserving political power. Many critics pointed out that Ft. Bragg and Spring Lake both lean Democrat, with Hillary Clinton picking up 51% and 53% of the vote respectively in the 2016 General Election. Moscow elected Vladimir Putin in the last election with 103% of the vote. Boris Nemtsov, an opposition candidate, was subsequently murdered in February of 2015.

Critics of the new redistricting plan are also up in arms about ballot integrity. Proponents of the new plan, however, point to the KGB’s offer to “secure the voting process” as a sufficient measure to protect against any sort of voter fraud. Steve Bannon has also personally volunteered to count the votes with the tentacles that exist where his hands should be.

 

Only 90s Kids Will Get Evicted From Their Homes Because of Crippling Levels of Student Debt

By ETHAN BEVINGTON Sep. 22, 2017

The 90s were a glorious time of consistent economic growth, great young adult literature, and flawless animated television. Times were simpler. Children played outside and drank from the hose instead of playing on their iPhones while sipping Kombucha. Now, all the children of this Golden Generation are saddled with unprecedented levels of college debt.

Only 90s kids will remember planning their whole life playing MASH and failing to predict the rising price of college that would cause them to take on soul crushing debt.

MASH

Only 90s kids will remember buying books from the scholastic books fair handout instead of saving to pay the interest on student loans.Scholastic

Only 90s kids will remember using a paper fortune teller to pick their spouse, who they had no idea would be kidnapped from what they thought was their home in the dead of night when Jimmy Nugs the loan shark came to collect.

Fortune TellerOnly 90s kids will remember how cool Heelys were and wish they had them now to escape from debtors’ prison.Heelys

Only 90s kids will remember wanting more than anything to be slimed on a Nickelodeon program, but now just want a home, or at least a clean cell.

SONY DSC

Hurricane Taylor On Course to Hit Rock Bottom

By SUMMERS ASKEW Sep. 15, 2017

Hurricane Taylor, a storm sourced from a young girl who’s had her heart broken one too many times, is currently on course to hit rock bottom this fall.

“We just don’t know what to do,” said local listener Chad Michael. “Everything was so pleasant – so innocent – so tolerable – and now this? What did we do to deserve this?”

Hurricane Taylor
                                                              Uh oh.

As the storm approaches, stores around the country are selling out of supplies needed to survive the natural disaster. Local business owner Michael Murray has noticed that Lorde’s Melodrama and Kendrick Lamar’s DAMN. have been especially popular. “At this point people will stock up on anything. Even the Julia and Julia soundtrack is sold out.”

The storm is forecasted to affect half the nation, with Florida receiving the most serious blows. Taylor Swift’s new album reputation will be released on November 10, 2017.

Ted Cruz Gives In, Finally Has to See What Sex Looks Like

By SANDRO COCITO Sep. 13, 2017

Former Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz caused quite a stir Monday night when he favorited a pornographic tweet from his public Twitter account. This came as a surprise to many, as most people thought Cruz, 46, was exclusively aroused by 19th century furniture.

FILE: Ted Cruz Expected To Make Bid For Presidency
         “Does anyone have a Wet-Nap? My hands are disgusting”

When asked for comment, Cruz stated he “had to do it” since he “had never seen the glorious miracle of creation before.”

“It was such a pure, beautiful, intimately human moment. I just had to share it,” he added, while glancing over to the bukake playing on an iPad next to him.

When pressed about his two daughters, Cruz waved his hands in exasperation, stating, “that whole thing” was “besides the point.” He went on to say that he has “learned that there is only one Reality King: Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.”

He provided no further comment.

Meet the Founder of Reading Period, Joan Reading

By JACOB BASKES May 15, 2017

At the end of each semester, college students across the country have a vacation known as Reading Period. As it turns out, this tradition, formerly known as “drinking period,” is named in memory of the famed Joan Reading.

cdm_87919Reading was a prominent leader of the drinking culture when she attended the University of Chicago in the 1920’s. It was known throughout the Midwest that she could do a keg stand for 13 minutes before deriving the Lorentz Transformation Equation upside down with one hand tied behind her back. It is no secret either, that her best “disc” time is still the national record, at 16.31 seconds.

Joan was known to make the most of the four-day period that followed the last day of classes, and University of Chicago records show that even in her first year at the University, she downed an average of 17 beers per day throughout the long weekend. In her honor, the University titled the stage between classes and finals, “Reading Period,” and the name has since spread to other institutions of higher education around the country.

Let’s make sure we honor Joan this Reading Period!

 

 

Senate Intelligence Committee Asks Nation Not to Tell Flynn About Awesome Surprise Party

By HUGO HENTOFF May 11, 2017

WASHINGTON — The Senate Intelligence Committee has informed former national security advisor Michael Flynn that, as a part of the continuing probe into the Kremlin’s efforts to manipulate the 2016 election, it has subpoenaed any and all Russia-related documents he may possess. The Intelligence Committee waited for Flynn to use the bathroom and then told the Nation to get ready for the best surprise party ever.

Chairman of the Intelligence Committee Richard Burr (R-N.C) whispered to the entire United States of America, except for Flynn, who was in the bathroom, “Guys, guys, seriously, guys, get ready for the best freaking party of the year. Mikey’s going to walk in and think he has to hand over all of his incriminating files, but really it’s going to be a righteous keger.”

Senate Intelligence Committee
                                       He’s going to be so stoked

The Committee was notified that Flynn would be back soon when they heard him singing a final goodbye to his pet fish, Dandelion, that he had been keeping in his breast pocket for emotional support.

Vice Chairman Mark Warner (R-V.A) quickly told everyone in all 50 states and the nicer parts of Puerto Rico to, “Be cool when he gets back, OK? Just pretend that we’re totally gonna subpoena him and that no one is planning to surprise him with a totally sick rager.”

When the Committee heard Flynn’s footsteps from the hall they quickly tried to look busy by taping photos of various Russian government officials next to photos of Trump campaign staffers on the wall and then arbitrarily connecting them with red string with their brows furrowed.