By JACK SHANE Feb. 7, 2020

In a recent press release, Deutsche Bank announced that it had accidentally hired the wrong white guy six years earlier and only noticed last week. Internal documents show that the mix up was caused by 78% of resumes being labelled “White Guy”. 

by THEO DANZIG Feb. 6, 2020

Republicans celebrated Wednesday evening as President Trump was acquitted of both impeachment charges. However, while Trump was absolved of obstruction of Congress, senior White House staffers informed the Harpoon that Trump’s bowel obstruction remains very much unresolved.

by JACK SHANE Dec. 5, 2019

According to many reports from the campaign trail, Obama’s best friend and Ukraine aficionado, Joe Biden, has been giving speeches that touch many in the crowds, and also include some emotionally moving language.

by NICHOLAS CATTANEO Nov. 14, 2019

Last Friday, the CDC broke the news of an outbreak of a new antibiotic resistant “super flu” originating from our very own campus. Their report chronicled that the mutation was only possible as a result of the coupling of Bowdoin’s incredibly close-knit community with Bowdoin students’ stubborn refusal to take even a single sick day.

By WILL HAUSMANN Oct. 22, 2019

After Trump’s withdrawal of troops from Northern Syria was decried by high level diplomats, Trump’s own mother, and even Kermit the Frog, the President announced that the troops would be relocated to military bases across the state of Wisconsin. This questionable military policy is allegedly to protect and support our “allies and dear friends, the Cheese Curds.”

by THEO DANZIG October 4, 2019

JUUL labs was embroiled in controversy this past week, amid claims that its newest pod flavor, Breastmilk, is targeted toward infants. The FDA has sought to ban the breastmilk pods, claiming that their primary consumers are babies. JUUL’s lawyers argue that the breastmilk pods are intended for nicotine users of all ages.