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After 47 Years, Blaine Stevens Hangs Up the Blundstones

by NOAH SAPERSTEIN | May 17th, 2023

Blaine Stevens, the 73-year-old who has ran the Bowdoin Harpoon since the early 90s, has announced that she will retire at the end of this term. Stevens started at the Harpoon in 1987 as a janitor before the then-editors realized she had insane comedy potential. Rumor has it that she would always make little quips about washing and cleaning. She then worked as a staff writer where she enjoyed both popular and critical success for articles such as “Legacy Student ‘Honored’ to Pull Trig in Same Bathroom as Grandfather” and “New Study Finds That 100% of Dads Would Give Left Nut To Go Back to Summer of ‘83.” While often too scared to speak at meetings, her articles did all the speaking needed. She was subsequently chosen as an associate editor when tragedy struck. Little Miss Blaine was kicked off campus as the Covid-19 pandemic swiftly spread nationwide, killing thousands. 

“Without the Harpoon and Quinby House, I felt like my life was over. Like actually literally physically over,” said Stevens in an interview I conducted with her last week, “I literally cried and screamed and kicked and yelled.”

However, after taking 28 years away from the College to recover from the loss of literally missing 3 months of living in a college house, Blaine Stevens came back as strong as ever. Brimming with ideas she had slowly gathered over the multiple decades, Stevens quickly rose to the top of the Harpoon. In her junior year, she became Editor-In-Chief and created one of the most male-dominated staff the Harpoon had ever seen. There was nary a woman in sight. 

Under her leadership, The Harpoon went on a legendary run of publishing actually funny content. “I had literally never laughed at the Harpoon before,” said Bram Hollis, a frequent critic of the newspaper’s work, “But Blaine Stevens made my friend chuckle once so that must count for something.” Along with the other executive editors on staff, Stevens managed to make this sad mess of lonely first years funny. 

“When they came to me, they were pathetic, downtrodden, virgin losers.” says Stevens reflecting on her staff last year, “but under my tutelage, they have evolved into sigma superhuman Chads capable of basic social interactions.”

In all seriousness, Blaine means the world to all of us at the Harpoon. I speak for everyone when I say most of us would have never been so obsessed with this silly little club without Blaine’s enthusiasm, wit, and passion for satire. Over the time I have known her, she has spent countless hours writing, editing, and laying out articles. Simply put, without Blaine, a whole lot of what the Harpoon has achieved in the last few years would simply not be possible. While we are super excited to come back next year and make more satire with a new young staff, it just won’t be the same without Blaine Stevens at the helm. 

If You’re Gonna Be White, You Should at Least Be Irish or Jewish or Something 

by LEENA KAUR | March 17th, 2023

I think I speak for all people of color (yes we are a monolith) when I say that it is really uncomfortable when a white person is just plain mayonnaise wonder bread white, with no history of oppression. Like Brad, how am I supposed to relate to you when your ancestors spent centuries colonizing mine? 

If you were at least 1% Irish, we could make mutual jokes about colonization and British “people.” If you were something even better, like Jewish, we could more easily forget the discrimination Irish-Americans practiced towards African Americans. It’s just really weird to have no history of oppression whatsoever, like that one really rich kid who goes to a public school full of what his parents call ‘welfare leeches.’

Not to mention how boring it is, I mean, if you’re Jewish or Italian you’re basically a person of color and should be able to say racial slurs. But if you’re just German, British, or French? How am I supposed to interact with you? What if I jokingly refer to someone as Hitler and you say hey fuck off he was my grandpas best friend? What if we drive past a confederate flag and you salute it? What if you reported all the Queen Elizabeth memes as hate speech?

At least if you were some type of oppressed white, you could vote for republicans without guilt since you too are “one of us.” If you’re an unsalted cracker, please consider using some of the spices you spent centuries colonizing POC countries for. Lastly, I think it goes without saying that blondes should dye their hair brown … Why are you WHITE white? Side eye.

Bowdoin Men Continue To Protest Fashion Week by Dressing The Same As They Always Have

by GARY OHIO | March 12th, 2023

As fashion week sets in, male students are amidst an unspoken uproar about the latest trends, successful in their goal to stop them dead in their tracks. This fleeting grassroots movement has catapulted into a scene of continuously boring fashion choices, consisting mostly of the typical gray sweatpant-hoodie-flannel combo we’ve seen on this campus time and time again. Campus-run activism has even convinced the infamous Emo Townies of Brunswick to stick to their platform boots, long cardigans, and box dyed black hair. Even as the weather begins to warm up, students’ clothing remains just as uninteresting and stale as it was before. 

Only a couple days into around-the-clock silent protesting, word has already spread to local shops. Brunswick tanning salons who initially cleared their schedules in anticipation of the campus’s participation in fashion week are complaining that no one has so much as walked by their storefronts. Cindy Lou from Starz Hair Studio located on Maine Street lamented, “Bowdoin men’s hair styles have always looked like Brad Pitt’s greasy long mane after he steps off the set of World War Z. And nothing has changed. It’s gotten out of hand.” What Cindy has failed to recognize, however, is that it’s not that Bowdoin students don’t give a fuck, it’s that they actively shit on fashion through their choice to regularly (and now purposefully) fall below the standard.

However, it must be noted that a wide range of Bowdoin men seem to already be in on some of the most brilliant and fashion-forward styles we’ve seen in the streets of New York. They have taken Collina Strada’s animal inspired collection almost a little too literally by mimicking a scummy rat look. By refusing to take a shower at least once every week and consistently failing to shave their irregular facial hair, Strada can view male Bowdoin students as the embodiment of her rat-people collection in the real world rather than merely on the runway. 

Collina Strada model

By rejecting fast fashion trends in the form of recycling the same outfit semester after semester, Bowdoin men demonstrate resistance unlike any other. But much like the rest of society, they have, once again, placed all of the burden on the gays to be the most stylish motherfuckers out there. 

Breaking: Maturing Sophomore girl graduates from emotionally unavailable athlete to emotionally manipulative NARP

by JOHN BORIS RANDALL | February 19th, 2023

With a new semester upon us here at Bowdoin, we are experiencing many of the common seasonal changes that New England is famed for. Blankets of white snow cover the campus, overpriced Canada Goose jackets emerge from the closets, and a new class of sophomore women have cast aside their emotionally unavailable athlete exes for horribly manipulative NARP men. A strange and consistent seasonal trend, somehow but inexplicably related to the phenomenon known as “cuffing season”, this dating migration has long been a rite of passage for the women of Bowdoin college. Fortunately, thanks to the wise guidance of our very own Harpoon science research team, we may finally understand more about this understudied pattern. 

From the moment they step foot on campus, the women of Bowdoin are cast into a melting pot of the most vile men this cruel world has to offer, and some seemingly harmless but unathletic men. Are there some good ones in the mix? No, there are not. Everyone is a piece of shit. However, the dating patterns seem to consistently follow the timeline listed below.

About three weeks into school, the average Bowdoin woman has already had an awkward hookup with some quiet nice-guys-finish-last guy on her O-Trip. He will be the kindest man she meets for the next three years. Shortly thereafter, the vast majority seem to end up staying the night at an athlete’s residence instead of her own, even after​ The Intimacy. Does he say nice things to her? No. Is he kind and caring? No. Is he in touch with his feelings and able to communicate those feelings clearly? He once cried at age four but then his dad told him to grow up and he has never been the same. Nevertheless, after a few more “nights” of passionless sex, a beautiful couple is born. 

This will often continue until the late spring of her first year when she realizes that she is bored. After the four official and three unofficial concussions sustained, he has become a husk of a person with an intellectual capacity limited to copying ECON1101 homework answers. She will then leave him, ready to grow up and find someone who’s in touch with his feelings (of general disdain for women) and intelligent (enough to manipulate her for months).

After a summer of hook-ups, it’s time for a new partner. No longer does the average Bowdoin gal lust for the simplicity of an athlete with CTE, but she instead dreams of that one hilarious NARP who is rude and mean to everyone but her. She knows she can fix him and unlock his true soft nature. According to preliminary research, her inner narrative concerning this NARP is a complex but necessary lie allowing her to cope with the fact that he is evil and enjoys toying with her emotions in order to get whatever he wants out of the relationship. While his wit and irresistibly cute curly hair may at first deceive onlookers, do not be fooled. That gangly motherfucker knows what he is doing and he is the black-belt of female manipulation. While the athlete phase typically lasts for about one year, emotionally manipulative NARP men are much more tactful, allowing them to stick around far longer. Even his painted nails are a calculated move: she may think she’s been lucky enough to pull a soft and gender-affirming bisexual, but the nails are just a tactical ploy to convince her he’s in touch with his feminine side. In reality, he’s as misogynist as they come (and he’ll certainly never make her come). Queerbaiting has finally made it from the screen to the bedroom.

Now, given what is thus far known about this manipulative NARP man, one might be asking oneself: why on earth would anyone pursue such a man? But look no further than what we have termed the “Pete Davidson Phenomenon” to demonstrate the allure of the shockingly unathletic man/racoon hybrid. On the surface, there may be literally nothing appealing about this man, but it’s what’s beneath the outer layers that is enticing. His icy exterior belies a heart of gold. Just kidding–it’s the fact that he’s more well-endowed than Bowdoin College. Probably. We’re not really sure. But what else could possibly explain why the hottest sophomore girl you know is dating a glorified piece of celery with the constitution of the average 1840s Irish potato famine victim?

If you or a loved one has been in close proximity to either type of man described above, please know that all hope is not lost. We at the Harpoon love you and actually view you as a real person with important opinions and emotions. To fill the void he created, maybe write an article or two? That or reach out to 1-800-OUTOFHISLEAGUE. There is hope and someday maybe you too can be treated like an actual human being. 

Opinion: I’m Rudolph the Red State Reindeer And I’ve Had Enough

By Rudolph (Jason Olaru-Hagen)

I’m tired of this left-wing liberal bullshit. Every year they try to take Christmas away. I used to think everybody loved Christmas. And they should, I work so hard so they can all have their presents. Nobody understands how stressful it is guiding a sleigh with four billion packages through a storm with just a stupid tiny red light on your nose. Nobody ever asks me how I do it. Nobody ever wonders what years of all the other reindeer laughing and calling me names has done to my psyche. Nobody cares. But I still go out and light the way every year because every child deserves the magic of gift-giving. Then I saw Bill O’Reilly’s report on the War on Christmas. I wasn’t a big Fox News guy before that – I would just put it on when CNN did a boring special on some bullshit Jake Tapper likes. But that was the first time a news anchor really spoke to me. I was shocked that there were actually anti-Christmas people. Like Starbucks and their fucking “holiday” cups. Well, St. Patrick’s Day is a holiday. Halloween is a holiday. But the cups are red and green, so they aren’t for those other fucking holidays, they’re for CHRISTMAS.

When I try to talk to Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen about this stuff all of them look at me like I’m crazy. They say I should stop watching so much TV. That plenty of young boys and girls all over the world still have Christmas cheer, and that the winter holidays of all ethnic and religious traditions should be treated equally. That’s how I know that the fake news media has already gotten to them. I’ve tried my best to help them understand. I talked to Donner about how communist principles are giving kids detention for wearing ugly Christmas sweaters to class. I told Prancer that blue-haired feminists are trying to cancel mistletoes. But they just try to change the subject everytime I bring something like that up. This week was the last fucking straw. On Tuesday I was heading back to the stable after work and I overheard Comet and Cupid talking about Kanye’s appearance on Alex Jones. Comet said something like “I don’t understand how anybody can listen to his music anymore” and Cupid agreed and said that Kanye is a Nazi. Follow God is one of my favorite albums so hearing that shit pissed me off. I’m like, “Did you actually listen to the interview? He said he has love for EVERYONE man, Nazi or Jew. What’s wrong with that?” I think I made a great point, but now it looks like I’m not getting invited to Christmas dinner with Santa and all the reindeer! Well, if they don’t want to spend time with me I’ve got tons of friends on Discord who’d love to hang out with Rudolph the fucking Reindeer!

Listen Up You Little Shit. Santa Isn’t Real

By A bitter 7 year old Jewish kid or Noah Saperstein

While many Santa-truthers may claim he is real and he gives them presents and he visits every home on Christmas, applying facts and logic reveals that these sheepole are sorely mistaken. In this article, I will lay out my highly researched reasons behind why Santa is a lie created by the big Christmas media to continue enslaving your mind. Wake up my fellow skeptics, a new dawn has set on the Santa empire.

  1. No one can go that fast, especially being pulled by a bunch of reindeer. For starters, reindeer can’t fly. According to Live Science, a website that kinda knows what the fuck it is talking about, they have four legs and antlers and snouts but they do not have the ability to fly. Besides knowing they can’t fly because I looked at a website that literally has science in the name, we must consider the slippery slope that will occur if we continue to let our feeble brains believe this lie. This would be a disaster. In fact, according to the voices in my head, this would destroy the American job market and possibly risk total human extinction. But don’t just take my word for it, take Thurgood Marshall’s. In his famous fiery dissent in the now landmark case Giftless Jewish Boys LLC v. New York, he wrote, “… Now on the matter of reindeer. They can’t fly and if we keep believing this bullshit then nothing good awaits us. The precedent is clear; we must abandon this erroneous theory.” While the conservative bloc of justices voted to continue to prop up the Christmas conspiracy, this dissent would inspire many young men and women to take up arms in the War of Christmas (see other articles). Anyway, the point is he can’t go that fast, reindeer can’t fly and the Supreme Court is leading this nation down a dark road of legal precedent that will cement us into a second coming of the dark ages. 
  2. Santa would not survive the American South. There are few things a redneck in rural Mississippi loves more than an unarmed home invader, especially one with the pure surface area that Santa apparently has. The speculative idea that this fat fucker could just slip on down the chimney and not get riddled with bullets from a 38 year old conservative man named Beau is absurd. Keep in mind these 2nd amendment-loving family men would know exactly when and where Santa would enter, allowing them plenty of time to prepare. With multiple states having castle doctrine in place, there would also be no legal repercussions for absolutely mutilating Santa with a hellfire of buckshot. Now, I can buy the argument that Santa would survive some homes because he is similar in stature and energy to most people in the south (morbidly obese, visibly old, Christian, White, and male), but no way he would make it out every house. Not to mention, these poor fuckers don’t even own homes big enough to have a chimney. What’s he gonna do, go through the exhaust pipe on their mobile home? It’s ridiculous frankly.
  3. The Cookie Dilemma. There are over 2.2 billion Christians in the world. Assuming an average household size of 4.9 people per household internationally, this comes out to 448,979,591.837 households for Santa to visit. While the average caloric count in a chocolate chip cookie is relatively low (at about 70 calories each), assuming that Santa takes at least one bite of a cookie (bite in this instance constitutes 40% of a cooke, or 28 calories) this amounts to 12,571,428,571.4 calories in one night (not to mention 808,163,265.307 g fat, 9,877,551,020.41 mg sodium, 161,632,653.061 g protein and 6,285,714,285.72 mg potassium). This amounts to 14,610,793.65 kilowatt hours, or a little over the amount of power that the average nuclear power plant produces in one day (104.601901853% of the output over a 24 hour period to be exact). Also, with a typical lethal dose of 7200 mg of potassium per 1kg, these cookies could stop the heart of 5135.38748833 average sized adult gorillas, more than the total wild population of Easter Lowland Gorillas in the world. I’m just saying, it seems a bit far-fetched.
  4. Santa would need to hate poor people. Let’s be real, poor kids get worse presents. From socks to nothing, gifts strongly correlate with the wealth of parents. If Santa really exists and is supposed to love all kids the same, why would he hate the poor kids so much? Ridiculous. Either Santa is an evil capitalist pig who wishes poverty on even the best little children or he does not exist.
  5. Santa would need a crazy visa to get through Russia during times like these.
  6. Santa never gave me presents and I was always a good little boy. Good little boys should get presents.

Opinion: I Could Beat the Shit out of the Old People Doing Tai Chi on the Quad

By Jonathan Lerdau

The elderly of Brunswick have lived in comfort for too long, have used our space for their meditation practices for far too long. Someone has to step up and be the change, and I’m not afraid to commit assault(in a really cool-looking way) to do so. And I feel confident I could pull it off, too. The average age of the group is like 85, and they can barely walk, let alone stand up to me in a one-on-one, no holds barred cage match. Tai Chi is meant for relaxation and centering oneself, not brutal hand-to-hand combat with someone younger and fitter than them and willing to fight extremely dirty if I have to(I Will bring a knife). Maybe if you got them to all gather up around me and it was one of the days where they had staff, maybe then they’d have a chance. Otherwise I’m going Sophomore-on-Randy-Nichols on their asses. Check it out, I’ll even give a play-by-play of how it would go down.

First off I’d walk up to them saying “Yeah you old fucks, what the fuck is up? You’re not so tough with that slow-motion shit!” I’d probably have to say this a few times though, because of the whole old thing. Then, when their age-fogged minds finally figure out what I’m saying one of them would probably say something really offensive but utterly unrelated to my previous comment, and then we would square up and prepare for warfare.

They’d be trying their stupid fucking breathing exercises and BAM, roundhouse kick to the throat. They’re on the ground; 1…2…3… It’s over!. Easy as that. 

BREAKING: Santa Arrested Crossing Border

By Alex Wiseman

St. Louis, Missouri – An illegal immigrant named Santa Claus was detained and deported following a home break-in in St. Louis. 

Mr. Claus, age ∞, was arrested following a call from a local homeowner who noticed him trying to break into a neighbor’s house through a chimney. Further investigation determined that Mr. Claus had crossed the US northern border earlier that night, illegally flying over it without passing through customs to work as a gift giver. He was deported, and his pet reindeer, which had also crossed illegally, were confiscated and subsequently euthanized by local animal control. 

Audrey Murray, a local mother of two, was relieved by the news that Mr. Claus had been detained. “Breaking into houses where children reside is targeting children maliciously. It’s a relief that one of these child-threatening illegal immigrants is off the streets.”

The American Postal Workers Union also praised the arrest, stating, “Illegal Immigrants delivering gifts takes away key jobs for local post office workers. This arrest is a victory for postal workers across the country as it assures that a child’s present will be delivered two days late between the most inconvenient times for the parent while they are out working or shopping and that they will have to go to a local post office to pick up their parcel.”

The Department of Justice is also investigating Mr. Claus and his workshop for illegally producing and supplying coal and lawn darts to Russia during the ongoing sanctions. Attorney General Merrick Garland said in a Press Conference earlier this afternoon that “Santa Claus refuses to obey US sanctions by supplying coal and dangerous weapons for its ongoing war in Ukraine. His history of dangerous behavior in the United States means he is a national security risk.”

Mr. Claus issues a statement through his lawyer saying that “due to recent action against him by the United States, the entire country would be on the naughty list next Christmas.”

It’s a Christmas miracle! God finally comes around on abortion. 

By Lucas Sheridan on behalf of Francis, Bishop of Rome, Vicar of Jesus Christ, Successor of the Prince of the Apostles, Supreme Pontiff of the Universal Church, Primate of Italy, Archbishop and Metropolitan of the Roman Province, Sovereign of the State of Vatican City, Servant of the Servants of God

Heaven, December 13, 2022. After several billion years of consideration, God announced that the recent response to the overturning of Roe v Wade had shifted His all-holy mind, announcing in a surprise press conference kicking off the twelve days of Christmas that He was finally chill with abortion. “Yeah, you know, sometimes you have to look inward at your privilege as a Man” conceded He to all of creation. “Because, you know, I am a Man, and as a Man who has a Penis and everything, there are some things you just can’t understand, even if you are omniscient. Abortion is one of those things.” 

As bestower of both life and free will, The Almighty admitted that the terms pro-life and pro-choice had long confused Him; in light of the recent Supreme Court ruling, though, as the universe’s sole bequeather of moral authority He realized He could no longer simply say ‘yes.’ “I receive many prayers from my daughters, who are worried I will send them to hell for getting an abortion. This could not be further from the truth. It’s still the pre-marital sex that does it.” Jehovah clarified that even before when He was on the fence, abortion’s ranking on the sin scale was between not saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezes and veganism. “It’s not such a big deal to me, like some people seem to think. Really, I just take it as constructive criticism.” 

When pressed on the matter, God admitted that his feelings were first shifted by an unlikely source. “2017 by Louis C.K. on Netflix. Goes into this weird rant at the start but it kinda makes sense somehow. No, I’m not a Louis C.K. fan” said He sheepishly. “Like, before 2018 and before all the stuff came out I liked him, but after that I couldn’t, but you know, it’s kinda unfortunate because he was a really good comic, not that it’s unfortunate that that’s what happened to him, because you know he did some awful shit, but it’s weird because I liked him before that, you know, and it’s a weird separating-the-artist-from-the-art thing with comedians, like Ray Lewis is totally going to hell, but I can’t not watch 2000s Ravens highlights, right? Hard to talk about that era without him, huh. But yeah. No, you shouldn’t watch 2017, you’re not gonna like what you find.” God refused to comment further, saying He reeeeeally had to start on the next few millennia of figuring out His feelings on Israel-Palestine. 

Democratic leadership was quick to respond. “God?” said Nancy Pelosi.

Investing tips from the Harpoon Financial Group 

By Simon Thomas, HFG Lead Executive Board Member Analyst

For the past 228 years at Bowdoin College, the institution has been without any notable finance-focused organizations. We at the Harpoon are seeking to change that, with the creation of the Harpoon Financial Group. The HFG Weekly will provide students with the finest financial content on campus (Except for during non-leap years, when the Weekly will be published once per year). The HFG is deeply committed to the common good; benefiting the campus community by increasing financial literacy, and benefiting me, since I can list my profession as an analyst on LinkedIn.

Below are some hot investing tips compiled by our most senior analysts:

  • Pabst Blue Ribbon – Buy
    • I mean there’s literally a blue ribbon.
  • Polar Investment Club — Sell
    • Despite the name, the PIC doesn’t actually invest. Or really seem to do anything. I asked my friend, and he said something about networking. HFG Analysts concluded the whole thing seems like a Student Activities Fund embezzlement scheme.
  • Crude Oil – Buy
    • This one’s pretty obvious.
  • Goldman Sachs – Buy
    • I’m deep into internship talks for next summer.
  • Bowdoin Orient – Sell
    • Despite the financial promise of the print journalism sector, the Orient has been struggling to find readership. It looks like they let pretty much anyone write an opinion article.