Category: All

JUUL Denies Breast Milk Pods Targeted at Infants

by THEO DANZIG October 4, 2019

JUUL labs was embroiled in controversy this past week, amid claims that its newest pod flavor, Breastmilk, is targeted toward infants. The FDA has sought to ban the breastmilk pods, claiming that their primary consumers are babies. JUUL’s lawyers argue that the breastmilk pods are intended for nicotine users of all ages.

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Student Accidentally Joins HandJob

By PATRICK LYNOTT Sep. 19, 2019

The recent launch of Bowdoin’s partnership with Handshake, a community-based site for job postings and networking, has provided a venue for many students to connect with potential employers.

For one unfortunate student, however, the process has been a little less gratifying. Jebediah Sprout, class of ‘21, told the Harpoon that he had trouble identifying the correct URL. Citing “an inability to read effectively and a frank reluctance to learn,” he instead found himself perusing an adult website.

“It must have been autocorrect, because I would never associate myself with such a demeaning website,” said Jebediah, who somehow also managed to enroll himself in a yearly plan on the adult website. “That kind of stuff just isn’t me. My intention was to learn how to network and connect with alumni, not scroll through thumbnails of people spanking it. And by ‘it’ I mean a pale Bulgarian prostitute with breast implants.” 

Sprout, who is obviously a liar with no interest in being employed, says his thoughts about joining Handshake and his future are complicated: “On one hand, having a job would be great, but on the other… is my own penis. Do you see what I’m saying?”

Sprout can often be seen in sweatpants, sitting in the back of each of his classes, dimming the brightness of his laptop any time someone looks over at him, claiming he just doesn’t want others to see his “professional network.”

Stowe Inn Brings Forth Proposal for “Stexit”

By JACK SHANE Sep. 18, 2019

Inspired by the United Kingdom’s tumultuous withdrawal from the European Union, the students of Stowe Inn have decided they’ve had enough. In a recent press release, a quorum of students living in the already geographically isolated Stowe Inn have proposed a so called “Stexit,” which would end their current economic relationship with Bowdoin College. 

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New B-Host System to Replace A-Host System in Lower-Tier College Houses

by BLAINE STEVENS September 9, 2019

Note: this article has been edited. Please contact us directly with any concerns at thebowdoinharpoon@gmail.com

This past Wednesday, the Office of Residential Life announced ground-breaking new changes to the college’s event registration system with an addition to the A-Host system. Calling the changes “innovative” and “much needed,” Residential Life has stated that lower-tier College Houses will now have to abide by the new B-Host system and will be banned from using the well-known A-Host system.

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Park Row Opens At 75% Cost, 75% Completion

By JACOB BASKES Sep. 4, 2019

The new Park Row Apartments mostly opened to 88 lucky students on Sunday, marking the end of what was originally a 16-month project—completed in just 12. The apartments were built using just three quarters of the money that peer institutions spend on similar projects, and include only three quarters of the flooring, plumbing, and furnished bedrooms seen in those same developments.

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Russian Department Honestly Convinced Posters Will Work This Time

by ETHAN BENVINGTON May 1, 2019

Surprising any student who has been in a campus building during their Bowdoin career, the Bowdoin College Russian Department is seriously convinced their poster campaign is going to get more students into the department this time around. Seriously.

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Oriental Express: Juniors Gentrify Ladd

April 29, 2019

By Calderon McHuman and the Pied Piper (with Editorial Assistance from the Bowdoin Harpoon)

Here’s your rundown of marginally notable news that you “ABSOLUTELY NEED” to know this week:

1. JUNIORS GENTRIFY LADD

After a struggling Ladd house failed to get enough Senior renters for next year, the house turned to Juniors for an injection of cash and youth to the neighborhood renowned for its quaint and ideal location. However, some residents fear the new Juniors will gentrify the locale, making it harder for generations and generations of Seniors who have lived there to stay. Any complaints can be directed to the Director of Zoning and Permitting Lisa Rendall.

See how you can help preserve the Ladd Culture here. (Yikes the Orient didn’t put this article online. Email orientwebmaster@gmail.com if you are concerned.)

2. JULIA IOFFE TELLS STUDENTS WHAT RUSSIA WANTS, TARGETED BY NERVE AGENT NEXT DAY

Last week, journalist Julia Ioffe came to speak about what Russia wants (and it is more than genuine human connection). Rather, she revealed some of Putin’s deepest and most lustful desires: a Russian eternal hegemony. After such a revealing expose of Putin, former KGB agents were seen sneaking around campus.

Thought you saw some wandering KGB agents? Find out why here.

3. BASEBALL TEAM “FINDS IT GROVE”

Bumbling around in Southern California early in the season, the baseball team was surprisingly unable to find any groves on America’s lush West coast. Nonetheless, the team spent a few weeks earnestly searching in the Brunswick area for a grove, and it appears to have paid off. Baseball is on a hot streak after finding their grove, winning an impressive 3 of their last 6 games. Team captains refused to reveal the location of this mysterious grove that is apparently enhancing their performance.

Learn how you can find your own grove here.

The Harpoon apologizes for the lack of funny and interesting content in the Orient this week.

Love the Oriental Express? Wear it as your ivies outfit!

Compiled by Will Hausmann

First Year Shows Up In Front of Hubbard for Quad Day

by ELIZA JEVON April 28, 2019

Dan Polonski was stoked for Ivies. It was true–he had felt the ups and downs of his first year at Bowdoin a little harder than his classmates. He ran out of polar points from eating c-store meals alone, spent more time in the stacks than he did sleeping, and waved back to people actually waving to the person behind him at least three times a day. However, he woke up Friday morning ready to transform himself.  

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