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Oriental Express: Bowdoin Career Planning Won’t Apply to Jobs for You

FEB. 11, 2019

By Calderon McHuman and the Pied Piper (with Editorial Assistance from the Bowdoin Harpoon)

Here’s your rundown of marginally notable news that you “ABSOLUTELY NEED” to know this week:

1. BOWDOIN CAREER PLANNING WON’T APPLY TO JOBS FOR YOU

After many seniors expressed dissatisfaction with career planning, many said the center wasn’t providing enough support. Students are paying $70,000 a year to go here, but shockingly they still have to search and apply to jobs. Students with interests in the arts and journalism were particularly dissatisfied, but career planning can only do so much to revive dying fields.

Are you still an unemployed bum? Read the full article here.

2. BOWDOIN PROFESSORS SURPRISINGLY LIBERAL

Analysis of FEC data revealed that Bowdoin professors are not the bastion of conservatism we all thought they were. All of the large donations by Bowdoin faculty were earmarked for liberal candidates and groups. Additionally, one Bowdoin trustee donated $1 million to a Democratic PAC, showing even liberals can unite over Citizens United as well. Clayton Rose also made a max donation to “non-partisan Independent” Angus King, after King wouldn’t take payment for speaking at Orientation Dinner.

See which of your professors are closeted liberals here.

3. AVERAGE AGE AT MUSIC AT THE MUSEUM: 77

The Music at the Museum series continued this past week to a raucous crowd of seniors (like actual senior citizens). The event sold out quickly as guests were concerned that all the artistically inclined Bowdoin students would flock to the event. However, the Orient was unable to find any students at the event to comment. All artistically inclined students were reportedly too busy complaining about Dighton Spooner.

Find out if your grandmother was at Music at the Museum here.

4. ICE FISHING: THE BEST BOWDOIN TEAM ON ICE

As the Bowdoin Hockey teams rock a collective 9-31-4 record, Bowdoin’s top athletes may be investing their time in ice fishing. Students spend up to five hours competing in this grueling sport each Sunday during the winter months. The ice fishing team may begin recruiting in the near future.

Did you quit hockey but miss being on a team? Take the leap here.

5. STUDENTS CONSIDER “CHARMING” MAINE POST-GRAD

At the Maine Career Fair, Smith Union echoed with overused cliches about how awesome Maine is during the summer months and what a perspective shift it would be to live and work in this state. It is almost like students would benefit from a whole four years living and going to school in Maine to learn about this quirky and whimsical state.

Wish you had the chance to live and engage with the state of Maine. Learn more here.

Love the Oriental Express? Share it with all your dad’s frat brothers!

Compiled by Will Hausmann

Hintze Declares 2020 Presidential Bid

by THEO DANZIG February 7, 2019

On Wednesday, Bowdoin College Director of Student Activities Nate Hintze announced his candidacy for the 2020 Presidential Election. Speaking in Smith Union to a crowd of disinterested students who were really just trying to finish their homework before their class in 15 minutes, Hintze declared that if elected, he would take his philosophy of “creating safe, inclusive, and fun” spaces to the White House, along with his uncanny ability to make every interaction awkward. 

Continue reading “Hintze Declares 2020 Presidential Bid”

THE ORIENTAL EXPRESS (Week of Feb. 3): Bowdoin Pep Band Plays Timeless Classic Mo Bamba

FEB. 4, 2019

By Calderon McHuman and the Pied Piper (with Editorial Assistance from the Bowdoin Harpoon)

Here’s your rundown of marginally notable news that you “ABSOLUTELY NEED” to know this week from the Orient:

1. BOWDOIN PEP BAND PLAYS TIMELESS CLASSIC MO BAMBA

After a ten year hiatus, the pep band has returned to Bowdoin. The band’s former iteration was disbanded after controversy over anti-American sentiments (liking socialism before Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez made it cool). In an attempt to win back the Bowdoin community, the band played tunes such as Mo Bamba at last weekend’s hockey game. The pep band is welcoming to all, especially if you suck at music and just like to bang on drums.

Want to learn more (doubtful)??? Read the full article here.

2. BOWDOIN NORDIC BEAT TWO TEAMS?

After an absolutely grueling Maine State Championship (aka “The Chummy”) last weekend, Bowdoin Nordic was able to come out on top over a MASSIVE field of three teams and 52 athletes. A key for Bowdoin’s successful team this year is that they like skiing, sage analysis from the Orient sports desk.

Learn more about “The Chummy Broomhaha:” here.

3. POLAR BEARS (DON’T) MAUL MAMMOTHS

Attempted Puns by the Orient: 0; Paleozoology: 1

Although Polar Bears and Wooly Mammoths may have coexisted for over 100,000 years, Polar Bears rarely preyed upon the land mammals. Nonetheless, Bowdoin Basketball beat the team formerly known as the Lord Jeff Indian Killers, capitalizing on their “good old fashioned chutzpah.” And Randy Nichols nearly had an aneurysm over potential fire code violations.

Read more about “good old fashioned chutzpah” here.

4. IS LADD LAME?

For the second straight year as a senior only college house, Ladd has struggled to get applicants. Residential life has given rising seniors nearly a 2 MONTH extension to apply. However, it is unclear whether this policy of 2 month deadline extensions will be used elsewhere at the college.

Want a whole college house to yourself? Read more here.

5. WHEN IN DOUBT, BUILD MORE STUFF

The college announced this week they will be constructing two new buildings starting in 2020 : Mills Hall and a New Arctic Studies Center where the writers of the Orient might learn a thing or two about mammoths and polar bears. The new Arctic Studies Center will also give the Arctic Museum more space than a glorified closet. Larger lecture spaces in Mills hall should keep non-STEM students from being “intimidated” by Searles 315.

Learn more about building you’ll probably never use here.

Compiled by Will Hausmann

Love the Oriental Express? Share it with all your dad’s frat brothers!

Polar Points to be Replaced by Randy Nickels

by HOLLY LYNE February 1, 2019

Polar Points, a widely respected form of campus currency, are now retiring after years of devoted service to the College. Students will soon purchase their almond milk lattes with Randy Nickels, the new cryptocurrency named in honor of Bowdoin’s longtime Director of Safety and Security, Randy Nichols. Continue reading “Polar Points to be Replaced by Randy Nickels”

70% of People Who Get Express Just Don’t Have Lunch Plans

by AINE LAWLOR and ARJUN MEHTA Jan. 30, 2019

Bowdoin students love talking about how busy they are. Everyone says they “are absolutely swamped” and “have to grab Express,” but we all know what that really means: they don’t have enough friends to schedule a lunch and they don’t have have guts to walk into Moulton and take a seat at a table alone. They are just getting that bagged lunch so they can go home and let their confidence sink lower than the quality of the Express cookies. Continue reading “70% of People Who Get Express Just Don’t Have Lunch Plans”

Bowdoin IT Still Too Enthralled by Front Page to Fix All the Other Problems with bowdoin.edu

by WILL HAUSMANN Jan. 29, 2019

Nearly two months after the launch of the new website, bowdoin.edu remains riddled with functionality problems. The Harpoon went to the dark, scary depths of the Coles Tower basement to do some investigative reporting on Bowdoin IT’s problems. After redirecting a group of first years looking for a party in 13C, we found the windowless enclave of Bowdoin IT.  Continue reading “Bowdoin IT Still Too Enthralled by Front Page to Fix All the Other Problems with bowdoin.edu”

Canada Goose Heads South for Winter Break

by  BROOKE VAHOS and ELIZA JEVON Jan. 24, 2019

Hailing from Vancouver originally, Remington the Goose decided it was time for a change of scenery.  He so hated wearing his threadbare $1050 Expedition Multi-Pocket Parka Coat with Fur Hood. Drag racing his Lamborghini through the snow was getting old (he was generous enough to give his livery driver a break from time to time). So, he had Roger pack up his Louis Vuitton suitcases and book the next flight to Tijuana, Mexico. Continue reading “Canada Goose Heads South for Winter Break”