By JACOB BASKES and SAM HALPERT Mar. 18, 2020
Since last Wednesday’s announcement that the College would be closing its campus and transitioning to a virtual learning model among fears of COVID-19 transmission, students have been receiving daily reminders to pack their rooms and depart as soon as possible. “Students who are on campus without permission after 5:00 pm will be subject to disciplinary action,” wrote Dean of Student Affairs Janet Lohmann in her final campus-wide email on Wednesday morning. “Also, I have seen your memes and find them kind of mean but also flattering, therefore I will be permanently adopting the nickname, ‘JLo.’”
Continue reading “Rose Enforces 5 PM Deadline: Patrols Campus on Horseback, Shoots Remaining Students on Sight”
by JACOB BASKES Mar. 3, 2020
Today is Super Tuesday—the one day during election season in which 14 states head to the polls. In order to encourage campus participation in the Democratic primaries, vans have been leaving campus every thirty seconds to take students to their local polling place. The high number of vans, however, along with the fact that a majority of drivers are from California, have led to a seventeen-van pileup in downtown Brunswick.
Continue reading “Vans Headed to Polls Create Major Pileup on Maine Street”
by K IRVING Feb. 14, 2020
As the semester approaches full swing and the time comes to retire nametags from desks, Professor Ludwig Fruitbat has started a new initiative on campus for students of color to keep their index cards on their desk for the entire semester.
Continue reading “Professor Asks Students of Color to Keep Name Cards on Desk for Whole Semester”
By JACK SHANE Feb. 7, 2020
In a recent press release, Deutsche Bank announced that it had accidentally hired the wrong white guy six years earlier and only noticed last week. Internal documents show that the mix up was caused by 78% of resumes being labelled “White Guy”.
Continue reading “Wrong White Guy Hired at Investment Bank, Nobody Notices”
by THEO DANZIG Feb. 6, 2020
Republicans celebrated Wednesday evening as President Trump was acquitted of both impeachment charges. However, while Trump was absolved of obstruction of Congress, senior White House staffers informed the Harpoon that Trump’s bowel obstruction remains very much unresolved.
Continue reading “Trump Acquitted of Obstruction of Congress, Bowel Obstruction Unresolved”
by LIA KORNMEHL
In their January 2020 newsletter, National Geographic’s bi-annual Animal Sexual Activity (ASA) Report detailed that while mules are still sterile, new evidence shows that polar bears masturbate an average of 18 hours a day. The data was recorded from a study of 37 polar bears, or virtually the planet’s entire remaining polar bear population.
Continue reading “New NatGeo Study: Mules May be Sterile but Polar Bears Can’t Stop Masturbating”
by LIA KORNMEHL
You see him sitting two tables down from yours in Moulton Dark Room. He’s not wearing anything especially noticeable, and his face screams, “I’m a normal human being.” You furrow your brow in deep thought. Was he in your first semester thirty-five-person Microeconomics class? Or did he just return from a four-month jaunt in Amsterdam or London or Chile?
Continue reading “Is He a First Year I Haven’t Met or the Junior Everyone Tells Me is “So Cool”?”
by WILL HAUSMANN
During syllabus week, many students returned to campus after a restful break ready to learn all that the world has to offer. And then there was Erik Star ‘22, self-proclaimed to be one of Bowdoin’s wokest students, who just couldn’t keep his eyes open during a riveting discussion of essay requirements in Integral Calculus.
Continue reading “Woke Student Falls Asleep in Class”
by JACK SHANE
Pro: Seeing all of your friends.
Con: Having to explain why you suddenly have a toupee.
Continue reading “Pros and Cons of Returning to Campus”
by JACK SHANE Dec. 5, 2019
According to many reports from the campaign trail, Obama’s best friend and Ukraine aficionado, Joe Biden, has been giving speeches that touch many in the crowds, and also include some emotionally moving language.
Continue reading “Report: Biden Has Touching Speech, Also Says Some Emotional Words”