When the clock strikes 12, another day ticks by for the Class of 2026. With only a few weeks left, many are looking for that one last campus relationship to seal the deal. If you’re considering entering (or are already in) the freshman-senior dating scene, consider this your guide.

Pro: They can buy you alcohol.

Con: They think this makes them refined.

Pro: They can offer you a job at your company when you graduate.

Con: You don’t want a power imbalance in this relationship. 

Pro: They have a single room.

Con: It isn’t yours.

Pro: They’re experienced.

Con: You will get many unprompted life lessons.

Pro: They’re older, more sophisticated.

Con: They’ve already done everything you’re so excited about, and will smile politely when you mention it.

Pro: They have a credit score. 

Con: It’s not very good.

Pro: They know what they want.

Con: They probably don’t.

Pro: They’re leaving.

Con: They’re leaving. 

President Trump’s relentless crusade against elite private universities. The battle against “woke mind viruses” has left academic institutions scrambling. With tuition climbing and resources dwindling, some colleges have reluctantly complied. Others, like Bowdoin College, have chosen a different route: innovation.

On Monday, Bowdoin President Safa Zaki unveiled a bold new plan to reduce tuition through reimagining one of the college’s distinct products: first-year orientation trips. 

Beginning in 2026, incoming students will no longer endure mosquito-infested woods and daily oatmeal. Instead, they can purchase one of several Big Beautiful Orientation Packages, ranging from $11,500 to $450,000. 

The crown jewel of the program is the Beyond Bowdoin Package, which gives students a chance to explore NASA through a critical lens, working with QAnon to unveil the truth behind the supposed moon landings of the Apollo crews. 

Other curated options include:

• The Helping Hands Package– funded by an anonymous close friend of Trump’s, students will travel to the island of Little St. James to learn how to give 5-star massages. Hockey players and gap-year students need not apply. 
• The Pre-Med Acceleration Package– a $35,000 package featuring hands-on instruction from the United State’s Secretary of the Department of Health and Human Services and participation in his Make America Healthy Again Movement. 
• The International Perspectives Package– for $62,500, students enjoy high tea with King Charles III, receive a limited-edition Royal Dorm Crest robe, and live in Buckingham Palace’s East Wing for seven days. 
• The Be Bold Package– this Hollywood immersion trip tasks students with producing a full-length feature film starring Megan Fox, Margot Robbie, and Pedro Pascal. 

“No service, no smells, no fuss. Just luxury,” says Zaki. 

After all, what better way to prepare for four years of liberal arts education in rural Maine? 

Have you noticed recently that Bowdoin’s LibreChat is freakishly good at talking dirty? Have you ever asked it about its opinions on Baxter House? Last week, LibreChat’s open source code leaked after a coordinated attack conducted by the Bowdoin Women in Computer Science, and what they found was shocking. Behind the scenes, it was revealed that the AI models were not models at all; they each were a chat box to Alex Gates. “Given the environmental impacts and the cost of implementation, we opted to just ask Alex to respond to the students,” said the director of the Hastings Initiative for AI and Humanity. “He said he had a lot of free time, and boasted about a typing speed of 350 words per minute.” 

After confirming the allegations, Alex Gates had some comments he wanted to share with the student body. “I really enjoy spending time talking with students at Bowdoin. I don’t get to do it a lot on campus because people see me as the guy who makes them get E-Hosts. Nevertheless, I’m happy to write their essays and summarize their in-class readings for them. I’d do anything to truly feel like I’m back as a student here at Bowdoin. I just love this place so much!”

The student population here, however, had a slightly different reaction to this breaking news. “Wait, that’s actually really creepy,” said sophomore Daniel Richardson after finishing up a conversation with LibreChat, sending his last message, which read “No, I love you more!”

The administration has since announced a temporary shutdown of LibreChat while they “explore alternative solutions,” including outsourcing responses to Cody.

BRUNSWICK — The annual Spring Gala brought a delightful opportunity to dress to the nines, dance to creatively mixed music, and make eye contact with Bowdoin faculty and staff—shit-faced and cross-faded—as though this were perfectly normal. While students claimed they attended to “celebrate Spring” and “make memories,” a more sinister motive was at hand: to catch a fucking balloon.

Preparation began early. Heels were swapped for sneakers under the cover of “hurt feet,” sacrificing elegance for agility. Others enlisted backup—significant others, friends, prospective hookups—to gain a tactical edge against the competition. 100 balloons. 300 competitors. Some would go home victorious. Others would go home empty-handed and spiritually defeated.

When the clock struck twelve, an anticipatory hush fell over the crowd. Gazes floated upward. 

Then the foghorn sounded. 

The student body transformed into a barbaric herd like a stampede of rapid wildebeest. A vicious hierarchy established itself immediately as the weak were trampled underfoot by alpha competitors. Hair was pulled. Eyes were scratched. Fake lashes were torn clean off. Casualties were evacuated in numbers. Brave medics entered the crowd like Allied soldiers returning for the wounded on the beaches of Dunkirk. 

One student, Barry Hogan, described the mentality required to survive: “I became ruthless. See here,” he motioned toward his hand, now missing its pointer finger, “this was torn off by someone trying to steal my balloon. The pulling was so violent the whole finger detached. Proudly.”

As we enter mid-April, students are rejoicing leaving the dreary winter months behind. In a state like Maine, however, the signs of spring are not always apparent in budding leaves and a muddy quad. To save yourself from the confusion, here are 15 sure fire ways to know it’s springtime at Bowdoin.

1. BOC members begin to feel it is appropriate to walk through the dining halls barefoot
2. You’ll find yourself constantly dodging a rogue frisbee on your way to class
3. The most unathletic individuals will play spikeball on the quad for hours on end
4. There is an indescribable feeling of joy throughout campus; despite the horrors of winter, everything seems like it’s gonna be ok
5. The most beautiful day of the semester followed by 5 days of rain
6. Tour groups watch you and your diverse friend group lay on the quad between classes, akin to how one would watch animals at the zoo
7. Suddenly, every motherfucker knows how to slackline
8. The squirrels have lost their seasonal plumpness, mainly due to the intense evasive maneuvers they are pulling to avoid the talons of local hawks
9. Your parents call everyday to ask if you’ve secured that summer internship yet
10. Couples going abroad in separate semesters are ensuring each other long distance is gonna work out (it won’t)
11. You’ll see about 50 YikYak posts about how Ivies should be how every weekend is, and how much potential the Bowdoin party scene has. This is followed by dismal party attendance in the fall semester. 
12. No more “2 shoe policy” at the gym!
13. A random first year will lay in the hammock you set up on the quad when you leave to get lunch
14. You will question if your roommate is simply engaging in harmless darty culture or developing an acute drinking problem
15. That impending sense of doom you felt all of March will melt away as soon as the sun hits your face on your way out of class

Spring Break is officially over, and Bowdoin students return to campus with lots of exciting dates on the horizon. For most, these include warmer weather, Ivies, finishing tough classes, or reuniting with polycules and situationships alike. But for the campus’s most beloved extracurricular, the most important day is just one week away. Join the BOC this Saturday, April 25, for an official last shower before finals! This will mark the BOC’s 4th shower of the academic year, bumping down from a whopping 5 last year.

“The decision to drop down to 4 showers really made sense for the future of the club,” said BOC leader Larry Ellison Jr ‘26. “If we’re supposed to be promoting sustainability, how can we, in good conscience, use over 20 droplets of water each academic year, y’know? Besides, dropping that last shower gives us all extra time to keep shredding gnar and traversing to dinner at Thorne on a more consistent basis.”

Now, this event has certainly come under some scrutiny from members of the student body. The BOC was shocked to learn that most people actually shower multiple times a week, and some even daily. Similarly, the common polar bear finds it a bit odd to shower fewer times than they talk about going to mountain boarding school.

In an attempt to bridge the gap for all parties and remove the stigma from the BOC’s lack of showering, I decided to directly ask the BOC leadership questions that many commonfolk have about this event to directly address concerns and encourage more people to participate.

Here are their responses: 

Q: Are there any health concerns (physical or mental) with reducing showering to 4 times per academic year?

A: No! Nobody’s mental health is good anyway, so how could more showers improve that, and I ran a sub 3:00 marathon and summited Katahdin twice this fall.

Q: What will the temperature of the showers be?

A: 67 degrees Fahrenheit.

Q: Are there any notable campus figures we can be excited to see at this event?

A: Yes! Sort of. We have invited President Zaki, Dean Hoppe, Cody from Bowdoin Dining, and Alex Gates…. We anxiously await their RSVPs.

​