BREAKING NEWS: From an undisclosed whistleblower in New York City, the Harpoon has been informed 16-year-old climate activist Greta Thunberg was spotted drinking a Frappuccino out of a plastic cup and straw. Thunberg allegedly enjoyed her grande vanilla bean coffee while leaving the UN Climate Summit on September 23, where she reminded Republican politicians that driving cars is a dirty joke, but sailing across the ocean is woke.
In a press release last Thursday, the government of North Korea complained that the isolated nation is only ranked the sixth-least free nation in the world. In Freedom House’s annual Freedom in the World 2019 report, North Korea was edged out by bastions of despotism, including Syria and South Sudan.
This Tuesday, PETA rolled out a new set of recommendations regarding the ethical treatment and consumption of animals and animal products in the United States. Among these suggestions was an outright ban on hummus. Continue reading “PETA Issues Ban on Hummus”→
Hailing from Vancouver originally, Remington the Goose decided it was time for a change of scenery. He so hated wearing his threadbare $1050 Expedition Multi-Pocket Parka Coat with Fur Hood. Drag racing his Lamborghini through the snow was getting old (he was generous enough to give his livery driver a break from time to time). So, he had Roger pack up his Louis Vuitton suitcases and book the next flight to Tijuana, Mexico.Continue reading “Canada Goose Heads South for Winter Break”→
Animal rights group PETA has started a new round of campaigns against Maine water distributor Poland Springs. In an act of protest, PETA purchased two boxes of bottled water from the company and hosted a ceremony in Dixfield, Maine, to release the water back into the Androscoggin River. The ceremony lasted a full five minutes. Continue reading “PETA Releases Bottled Water Back into Wild River”→
After a week of sleeping on his friend’s futon, area man Reese S. Peanutbuttercup has developed a crick in his neck that has skyrocketed to number two on the Billboard Hot 100 chart. Mr. Peanutbuttercup had been cracking his neck all week during his stay with childhood friend and Grammy Award-winning producer Swizz Beats. Continue reading “Sound of Man Cracking Neck Reaches #2 on Billboard Charts”→
On his most recent visit to Japan, President Trump made a point to visit Hiroshima, the site of the U.S. nuclear bombing that ended WWII.
“I’m giving such a fantastic speech right now. It’s really, very tremendous. I hope you all understand English, because I’m doing very well.”
In an internationally televised speech, Trump spoke to high ranking Japanese officials about the events. “We are so honored to be here today, so tremendously honored. And looking around me, it’s so clear that your people, your Japan people, have really recovered from this catastrophe really, very well. I am so glad you all avoided a real disaster here. A real disaster like Hillary’s emails.”
Ignoring gestures from both American and Japanese officials to leave the stage, he continued. “And let me tell you something about that crooked lady, let me tell you. All those emails – have you seen them? All those emails are so, so terrible. Real tragedies. And I’m so happy your country didn’t go through the real horror we all saw in her inbox. You’re all lucky, really. We are all so lucky.”
While his press team scrambled to address the initial negative backlash, President Trump took matters into his own hands to ameliorate the situation. He was quoted later that day convincing Japanese officials that Hillary would never be a problem for them, saying he had told her to “Fukushima off”. He then promptly asked them all if they wanted to “snag a saki.”
Hillary’s email server was ERROR 404 – SERVER NOT FOUND for comment.
The Bowdoin Harpoon 