President Trump’s relentless crusade against elite private universities. The battle against “woke mind viruses” has left academic institutions scrambling. With tuition climbing and resources dwindling, some colleges have reluctantly complied. Others, like Bowdoin College, have chosen a different route: innovation.

On Monday, Bowdoin President Safa Zaki unveiled a bold new plan to reduce tuition through reimagining one of the college’s distinct products: first-year orientation trips. 

Beginning in 2026, incoming students will no longer endure mosquito-infested woods and daily oatmeal. Instead, they can purchase one of several Big Beautiful Orientation Packages, ranging from $11,500 to $450,000. 

The crown jewel of the program is the Beyond Bowdoin Package, which gives students a chance to explore NASA through a critical lens, working with QAnon to unveil the truth behind the supposed moon landings of the Apollo crews. 

Other curated options include:

• The Helping Hands Package– funded by an anonymous close friend of Trump’s, students will travel to the island of Little St. James to learn how to give 5-star massages. Hockey players and gap-year students need not apply. 
• The Pre-Med Acceleration Package– a $35,000 package featuring hands-on instruction from the United State’s Secretary of the Department of Health and Human Services and participation in his Make America Healthy Again Movement. 
• The International Perspectives Package– for $62,500, students enjoy high tea with King Charles III, receive a limited-edition Royal Dorm Crest robe, and live in Buckingham Palace’s East Wing for seven days. 
• The Be Bold Package– this Hollywood immersion trip tasks students with producing a full-length feature film starring Megan Fox, Margot Robbie, and Pedro Pascal. 

“No service, no smells, no fuss. Just luxury,” says Zaki. 

After all, what better way to prepare for four years of liberal arts education in rural Maine?