BRUNSWICK, ME—Tragedy occurred on campus when sophomore Olivia Reading ‘28 suddenly went missing Saturday night. After a thorough investigation, Bill Harwood, director of Safety and Security, pieced the chilling truth together in Smith Union reporting, “We found a singular Bean Boot, a friendship bracelet, a half-finished Connections game on her iPad, and the end of a Sunrise Smoothie. Sadly, this confirmed our culprit: the very chair she was sitting in.”

The comfy chairs in the back of Smith Union have long been a campus hazard. At all hours of the day, one can find students curled up in the chairs while in various stages of a coma. It was only a matter of time until the deadly furniture was to claim its first victim. 

“The best way to describe the anatomy of a Smith chair would be the Sarlacc Pit from Star Wars. We don’t exactly understand how it works or what makes it so squishy, but it appears escaping its digestive tract is rather unlikely,” Harwood said.

Since discovering Reading, the back of Smith Union has been closed off to students. While security officers are tasked with performing an autopsy of the chair, the frightening situation has driven some away. One member of security, who wished to remain anonymous, explained his fears exclaiming, “Who knows what else these chairs are capable of? If I was constantly sat on 24/7, I too would be angry! I’ll stick to breaking up parties, thank you very much.”

The College is now searching for ways to tame the wild chairs, which are close relatives of couches. According to Harwood, they “successfully dealt with the couches a few years ago by feeding them a sacrificial J.D. Vance.” He theorizes that their genetic relation could clue a solution, adding, “a similar method might work in this case. Marco Rubio could suffice.”