To his family, friends, and indeed, the rest of the world, Donald Baxter MacMillan died of old age in Provincetown, Massachusetts in 1970. However, this was nothing more than a trick of the light—a wax body double. Honestly, it wasn’t very hard because wax body doubles don’t have pulses, and everyone knows that a pulse is the only way to check if anyone is still alive. Mr. MacMillan actually made one last trip to the Arctic when he was 95 to be frozen inside a glacier. 

There he rested until a week ago, when a small man in California named Albert Franklin chose to purchase a Ford F-150 instead of a Chevrolet Bolt and emitted so much carbon from his truck that the glacier melted. Now, it would be silly to suggest that we don’t all have a part in this mess we call climate change. However, it would also be silly to suggest that Mr. Franklin didn’t play a small part in unfreezing Mr. MacMillan. Fuck you, Mr. Franklin.

Because without you, Mr. Franklin, we would not have an old bigot walking about our campus. It turns out that Donald Baxter MacMillan, whom we all thought was the picture of flawlessness in character, is actually quite sexist and racist. He is, however, pretty on board with the LGBTQIA+ community. Who would have thought? Anyway, as you may know, the only reason women weren’t allowed to enroll at Bowdoin College in 1894 was because Mr. MacMillan was very vocal in opposition to such an idea. It was only in 1971, the year after he “died”, that women could be students at our institution. 

When Mr. MacMillan arrived here after his expedition, he was quite excited. It is a big deal to come back to life after being frozen for over 50 years and then to go to a place where there are like 12 different buildings named after you. Unfortunately, Mr. MacMillan’s joy was blown to smithereens the moment he saw a woman in a Bowdoin sweater.

“The sacred garments! They are tarnished! For naught! How shall this become a place of learning if these smart, wonderful, valiant, gorgeous, powerful, beautiful, pure-blooded men are around such creatures of temptation? For shame! For shame!” Mr. MacMillan said.

Mr. MacMillan is now walking around the quad hitting women with his cane. However, he is only hitting women who are smaller than him. This could be a commentary on sexists in general, but I’m not sure, so you guys can just go ahead and draw your own conclusions about this one.