With the baseball season quickly approaching, this year’s chances are looking grimmer than ever before, a feat once thought to be unthinkable. Coming back from Winter Break, the team has significantly, and unexpectedly, declined in numbers. While one would expect the player’s commitment to Division 3 college baseball to be rock-solid, it appears that there is one thing in this world these players might just treasure more: protecting the United States of America. That’s right, they fucking joined ICE. Around half of the team, approximately 14 players, will be donning ill-fitting uniforms and face masks to become ICE agents. Though the team is sad to lose their fellow teammates, the collective opinion on the team is that the brave 14 have moved on to what they have termed “bigger and better things.” 

“I throb thinking about being grabbed by a strong man dressed in a sexy camo uniform–rugged and worn–smelling of must, Zyns, and Old Spice,” says Gabe Gableson, captain of the team. “Honestly, what those agents are doing for this country touches me–their bravery has touched me in ways I’ve never been touched before.”   

Other teammates have expressed similar feelings. “My teammates’ bravery is an inspiration to me,” John Jackson said. “I long to just look in their eyes, shake their hand, and say ‘Thank you for all that you have done for me.’”

“If it weren’t for Mike Masterson, my brother, my soldier in arms, the bromance of my lifetime, I’d be donning that ICE badge right now,” Josh Jonathon said. 

“Honestly, I’m not even gonna enroll. I’m just gonna report Josh.  to ICE” Mike Masterson said. “I need him to leave me the fuck alone. Bro’s obsessed with me, and frankly, it’s a little gay.”