The World Famous Vomit Store is a story of the American dream. In 1896, a Bulgarian couple, Chuck and Imathrowin Uhp, immigrated to New York City to start their dream of opening a store. They didn’t know what kind of store, but they knew that they would be selling things at a price slightly higher than what they had bought it for to make a profit. They also knew that the thing would have to be in high demand for them to be able to make any sales. These basic principles of economics were just now being discovered—they were close friends with John Economics, who often told them about his discoveries over dinner. Before that, most people had just been selling things that everyone already had or for a lower price than they had bought them for. This, of course, resulted in everyone opening a store and then closing it quite quickly afterwards. The World Famous Vomit Store, then, was revolutionary for storeowners the world over because of how it made money for the storeowners rather than the customer and was able to stay in business for longer than a few days.

Unfortunately, the store closed down recently because of complaints of a foul smell emanating from the storefront. Opinion is divided on the matter—many feel it important to preserve such an important monument to bodily fluids. Other than The World Famous Cum Store, which is much less stinky, there are no other businesses dedicated to any excretions. The Historical Society for Bodily Fluids (HSBF) is leading protests against the closure on the grounds that there is no other way for people to learn about their bodily fluids, other than via the World Famous Cum Store.

“Vomit has been an integral part of the human experience for as long as we have been around,” says Barfara Brown, executive director of HSBF. “Dated long before any kinds of paintings, we have found traces of human vomit on the walls of caves and in tar pits. Many of these artifacts are inside the World Famous Vomit Store and deserve to be displayed in public. It’s silly that it would close just because someone has a sensitive nose. I don’t see anyone closing down the World Famous Cum Store because of neighborly complaints.”

Despite what Brown may think, one does not need a sensitive nose to be disturbed by the odor of the World Famous Vomit Store. Inside are two enormous vats labelled “Boy Vomit” and “Girl Vomit,” which give off a horrific stench. Of course, everyone knows that girls don’t throw up, so most of the smell comes from the Boy Vomit vat. The Girl Vomit vat is full of flowers and sugar cookies and nice things, which makes sense. You can’t just have an empty vat. That would be silly.

“We don’t throw up,” says Nina Femi, former Head of Correspondence of the Girl Vomit vat. “That just wouldn’t make sense. Can you imagine if girls threw up? Ha! Silly, silly, silly.”

Fortunately for vomit enthusiasts everywhere, The World Famous Vomit Store will be relocated to the basement of the World Famous Cum Store. Funnily enough, the two stores market to a similar demographic. Who would have thunk? Anyway, a special grand reopening deal will allow customers to purchase an item from both stores for 15 percent off. Visit the World Famous Cum Vomit Store today!