Tag: Satire

All, Op-Ed

College Releases Plans to Protect its Most Vulnerable: White Athletes

BY: SHARIF ABOULEISH Oct. 1, 2020

Two weeks ago, after several athletes were found sharing a blunt outside Farley Field house, the administration has decided to act. “This tragedy simply cannot be repeated,” spoke Dean Quinby to a Harpoon reporter, “I mean, how could our athletes be so poor as to not afford separate fatties”? In consultation with President Rose, Quinby has decided to implement a series of sweeping reforms. We have graciously summarized them for you below, which you may peruse at your leisure:

  1. The SWAG center will be converted into a safe space for white athletes. “They have suffered”, spoke Quinby, “can you imagine what it must be like—to have smoked marijuana and shared the same blunt? We must—”. As if of the same mind, Rose completed the sentence, “—care for them, as they so clearly care about us.” When asked whether ‘us’ referred to the administration or other students, Rose seemed confused that other students existed.
  1. The J-Board will introduce a new criterion to Covid-19 related hearings—the timed 1 mile. “We feel as if certain members of our community are more likely, due to socio-economic conditions, to violate Covid-19 regulations. In order to preserve collegial equity, we will be allowing students to share their track speeds with us during trials.” It seems, at long last, the administration is finally listening to the overwhelming chorus demanding fairness at Bowdoin.
  1. A statement will be released Friday warning that students who violate the on-campus community contract without wearing standard issue LL-Bean boots will be punished. 
  1. Different cohorts of students incur different expenses—a gender studies major endures hundreds of thousands in debt, another student might have to support their family, or an athlete might need to buy items (specifically, bagels for the lacrosse team). As a result, the college will be creating a “White Athlete Fund”—sponsored by Bank of America—in order to prevent fatty sharing. “No student should have to limit their experience at Bowdoin because of monetary restrictions” wrote President Rose in an email which began with his usual sweeping and unnecessary prologue.

For more information regarding the policy framework the college used to craft these reforms, please see:

https://ballotpedia.org/The_Republican_Party_Platform,_2020

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/University_of_North_Carolina_academic-athletic_scandal

Op-Ed

Why I’m Not Hypocritical for Lying

BY: The Head Handmaid for People of Praise Herself, AMY CONEY BARRETT & AINE LAWLOR Sep. 27th. 2020

Everyone keeps saying I am being hypocritical—and by everyone, I mean all those liberals on social media—and I just thought it was time I cleared the record to prove I am not hypocritical, just a self-interested liar. There are two main issues I need to address: my pro-life stance and my desire to fill the supreme court right now. I don’t care about any other issues because if I looked beyond my church-induced fear of abortion into any other pressing political topics (the pandemic, the economy, healthcare, racial equality, the state of our democracy, etc.) then I would be forced to reckon with the blatant fact that Trump sucks, and the only reason I vote is to prevent other women from having reproductive rights. I only do this because my preacher says abortion is a sin, and I never recieved enough education to actually read and interpret the bible on my own (It’s a good thing women don’t need to be literate, especially when you have your own scribe. Don’t look me in the eyes, Marcella, we’ve discussed this.). It’s not like I’ll discover that biblical texts couldn’t give a shit about abortion (or my suppressed attraction to other women for that matter. Marcella, you didn’t hear that.).  

But anyway, back to the point, some people are suggesting that my support for the forced sterilization of women in ICE detention centers contradicts my fierce pro-life stance, which is just not sensible. They fail to acknowledge the key fact that my discriminatory views are precisely that — discriminatory — and that obviously my stances against birth control, abortion, and family planning only apply when I want them to and I don’t want them to right now! I need to reconcile my racist prejudices with my sexist ones and thus no hypocrisy here, just unashamed bigotry (No, you can’t go to the bathroom, Marcella. I don’t care if it’s been 3 days.)

Secondly, and I don’t even know why I have to explain myself here, it is not hypocritical of me to want to confirm a new Supreme Court justice before the election even though I adamantly claimed in 2016 that this exact situation was immoral and undemocratic. And the reason that this is not hypocritical is that, once again, I have different standards for everyone and morals don’t apply to me (Obviously, otherwise I would go to hell for the abortion I had when I was 17 after I seduced Father Whyte with my womanly charm. Oh, don’t give me that look, Marcella, as if your loins could ever entice a man of his stature.). And for the record, I was crossing my fingers (to ward off the devil that is Nancy Pelosi and her demonic curves), so I didn’t actually make any promises.

The most important part of my defense against accusations of hypocrisy is the pure fact that I am consistently and relentlessly acting in my own interests, and I have never done otherwise, which is a form of consistency in and of itself. My words may be hypocritical at times, but my actions are always, always predictable—I have never showed an ounce of altruism, selflessness, or care for people other than my own. Hypocrisy is like socially-liberal, fiscally-conservative people who say and act contradictorily every time they discuss politics. Or like Susan Collins who tries to fool liberals into thinking she has not been whipped by Mitch McConnell and her preacher in the same go (Of course, Susan Collins is a woman of rapturous eroticism. If only she and I could- Marcella! Have you been writing these asides in the article? Fine. But I’ll be checking later. (She can’t read, so I’ll be good – Marcella.)) But that is not me, my words mean nothing, and they never have, Like those Bowdoin guys who have the Healthy Masculinity Club in their bio and then interrupt women in every conversation. My actions speak louder than the biblical verses on my doormat, and my vote for Trump this November will never be about anything other than my steadfast belief that no other women should ever have any rights that are denied to me because my husband is a controlling asshole, and my life revolves around reinforcing the patriarchy. Now if we could all join hands, I’d like to lead us all in a prayer for the souls lost in abortion clinics, and absolutely not for any of the souls lost to “COVID.” Amen.