Squirrels Resort To Cannibalism Because They Can No Longer Get Any Nuts

By PAUL GARLICK Oct. 26, 2016

Author’s Note: Yes, the title of this article is a sexual metaphor, in case that wasn’t clear. I’m new to the whole suggestive article type of thing (actually, I’m new to writing any sort of articles in general), so if something sounds like it could be referencing something inappropriate, it probably is. I hope you find my article informative and, more importantly, funny. I’ve really been working hard on this so please enjoy it. I want people to like me.

Squirrels on Bowdoin College’s Brunswick, Maine campus have recently been seen killing and eating each other out of the regular food chain (This might seem like a weird way to describe cannibalism, but I needed to change the phrasing to make it sound inappropriate and funny. “Eating each other out…” Get it? It’s like they’re doing sexual stuff after they kill each other, but they’re really just eating things that squirrels don’t usually eat, other squirrels.)

One Bowdoin student was asked about the campus squirrels’ recent cannibalism, and responded, “Well, there are plenty of nuts scattered all over campus, but I guess the squirrels here are looking for a certain kind of nut.” (There it is again! Squirrel sex humor. Wow, I’m funny! He didn’t really say the last part, but I added it in to make it funny.)

A squirrel expert from the Bowdoin faculty has also weighed in on the issue, saying, “This kind of cannibalism has been seen in squirrel populations before. It is usually due to a lack of female squirrels. In order to attract a mate, male squirrels will engage in a duel in which the winner feasts on the remains of the loser, demonstrating his dominance and sexual virility to potential mates.” (That actually wasn’t a sexual metaphor, even though it was extremely sexual. The squirrels’ sexual deprivation is a very serious issue. It could potentially wipe out the local population.)

Anyways, please like my article. I think it’s pretty funny. I’m pretty funny too. I hope you think I’m funny. I think I’m funny. Please laugh. Please.

 

 

Image Source: http://quotesgram.com/quotes-about-squirrels-and-nuts/

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