By ELIZA JEVON Oct. 17, 2018
It was the typical grind of midterms week at Bowdoin College. Pre-Med student Jimmy Blaine was swamped. He had put off working on his gastroenterology paper for weeks, and Jimmy’s grade was plunging deeper and deeper into a pile of shit. One more late assignment and he was sure to fail.
Then, in a sudden move of possessed rage, hallucination, and utter desperation, Jimmy shredded his gastroenterology paper between his teeth and scarfed it down his throat. But as soon as he had done it, Jimmy realized what a terrible mistake he had made. All his hard work–down the drain. How on earth would he get into Bowdoin State University Medical School now?
Jimmy frantically popped prune after prune into his mouth, swallowed oatmeal by the bowl, and
inhaled beans by the can. He needed that paper by midnight.
At 11:59, Jimmy sat nervously shaking on his favorite toilet, apprehensively waiting for his calculated plan to come to fruition. “What have I gotten myself into,” Jimmy thought. “This isn’t undergrad work, this is med school shit.” Then, miraculously, at 11:59:59, Jimmy felt a pang of joy, the greatest he’d ever felt. As the midnight bells rang out across campus, he reached into the glistening porcelain bowl. Jimmy had successfully pulled his paper out of his ass.
While Jimmy may have failed for trying to pass off human shit as paper–the professor
believed that Jimmy was taking the assignment a bit too literally—he did discover a thrilling new
passion: colorectal surgery.