BY: HOLLY LYNE Oct. 1, 2020

After years of the classic labels of “left” and “right” being used to describe politicians, platforms, and parties, political nomenclature is getting a makeover. Formerly “left-wing” Democrats will now describe themselves as “up,” and right-wing Republicans will describe themselves as “down.” These new directions boldly symbolize a new era of the two-party system that will continue doing the exact same thing it has for centuries.

“My publicist told me that kids these days are tired of ‘the left’ and ‘the right,’ so I just wanted to stay hip and jiggy with the times!” remarked Democratic presidential candidate Joe Biden.

“Same here!” enthused Biden’s running mate, Senator Kamala Harris (D-CA). “Up and down will be so lit and woke, just like my Oakland upbringing!”

Notable Republicans also embraced this rebranding. “My rights and lefts have always been so hard for me. Many say it’s the reason I took kindergarten three times,” remarked Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell. “Ups and downs are so much easier to remember!”

The only people struggling with the new directional names are progressive groups such as Swing Left. “I mean, I like the change, don’t get me wrong. But now we have to reprint all our water bottle stickers,” remarked Miriam Stone, one of the three founders of Swing Left. “I just hope Swing Up has the same ring to it!”