by SPENCER SUSSMAN October 6th, 2021

Merely one week after the Bowdoin Marriage Pact released their matches to students, Brunswick divorce lawyers are reporting a massive, overwhelming demand for their services. “He just isn’t the guy I met yesterday in Thorne anymore,” one Bowdoin divorcee explained.

Bowdoin divorce lawyers say that it isn’t only the quantity of divorce filings that is shocking, but also the cut-throat nature of the settlements.

“One of my clients lost 250 polar points and his dorm’s mini-fridge,” one lawyer explained. In one particularly tragic case, a despicably horny First-Year was lured into a brutal prenup agreement by a seductive super-senior and lost his entire meal plan. When asked about this horribly unfortunate settlement, the First-Year said “At least I hit bro.”

UPDATE: Sources have clarified that the claims made earlier by the despicably horny First-Year were false; as expected, the First-Year did not ”hit” but rather lied to our faces for clout. We apologize for any confusion his statement may have spurned.