Brunswick Divorce Lawyers “Completely Overwhlemed” One Week after Release of Marriage Pact Matches 

by SPENCER SUSSMAN October 6th, 2021

Merely one week after the Bowdoin Marriage Pact released their matches to students, Brunswick divorce lawyers are reporting a massive, overwhelming demand for their services. “He just isn’t the guy I met yesterday in Thorne anymore,” one Bowdoin divorcee explained.

Bowdoin divorce lawyers say that it isn’t only the quantity of divorce filings that is shocking, but also the cut-throat nature of the settlements.

“One of my clients lost 250 polar points and his dorm’s mini-fridge,” one lawyer explained. In one particularly tragic case, a despicably horny First-Year was lured into a brutal prenup agreement by a seductive super-senior and lost his entire meal plan. When asked about this horribly unfortunate settlement, the First-Year said “At least I hit bro.”

UPDATE: Sources have clarified that the claims made earlier by the despicably horny First-Year were false; as expected, the First-Year did not ”hit” but rather lied to our faces for clout. We apologize for any confusion his statement may have spurned.

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