By Catherine Crouch

Obviously, like, this isn’t great. And yeah, I don’t know how it happened. All I know is that one minute I was dozing off in Kanbar and now I’m stuck in a cage and I have a tail. I’ve complained for months about my tiny little Chambo double but now I don’t even have a square foot to call my own. Maybe worst of all, I spent like an hour in the gym yesterday working on my glutes and my ass looked so fucking cute and perky in my Gymshark leggings today and like, now that hard work is for naught. 

But seriously, this fucking sucks! Not only was I going to absolutely whore it up in Park tonight and get some regrettably subpar peen, but I am pretty sure I am literally about to be executed. Two minutes ago a girl walked in here and grabbed a rat in a cage across from me and she hasn’t brought it back yet. And like, my new rat ears pick up on frequencies I couldn’t hear in my normal body, and now all I hear are the screams. 

I’ve never sympathized with animals before but this might be changing me. I would strongly prefer to graduate and be a grown woman in the Concrete Jungle Where Dreams Are Made of (Boston) next year and not be, like, exterminated. Like sure, I love to eat raw meat with my bare hands and I have this weird kink for slaughterhouse fancams that might be hard to break, but I really think I’d commit to animal activism and stuff if I get my bodyodyody back. 

OH SHIT! That sophomore bitch is back and I think she’s unlocking my cage. Now that I have a better look at her, I think I’ve seen her in Thorne before. I’d remember that fugly hair anywhere. Like, girl, that soft ombre balayage is sooo 2015. But fuck! Now she’s grabbing me by the neck and walking me into the lab. I know I should be more concerned with my fleeting mortality and stuff but like, has she never heard of nail care? Her cuticles look like absolute shit.

I’m now on the lab bench and these overhead lights are way brighter than the ring light I bought to film tik toks with. I try to scramble off the bench but she grabs me and holds me down and I can tell that she’s reaching for her scalpel. I try to scream and like tbh my squeak is kind of cute. Ugh, I just realllly don’t want this to be how I end!! I just hope that guy I fucked around with last spring will realize that he should have been my boyf while he had the chance. Well, fuck. At the very least that girl better get an A on her lab. If I have to be killed, then my data should slay as well.