by ISA FERNANDEZ  | Feb 2nd, 2024

That’s right folks, you heard it here first: the worst person you know is applying to be a tour guide. Admissions desperately needed to diversify their staff after realizing that not every POC student could lead a tour, and was forced to turn to that one guy in your class that just LOVES to hear himself speak. You know the one. The one that raises his hand, speaks for a solid 90 seconds and then only kinda asks a question. The one that goes on and on about “the good old days” when his dad went here and frats were still around and women weren’t allowed in BSG. I know. It’s a sad, sad day for us Bears. God help those poor high school seniors who are gonna have to hear about how he used to live on Moore fourth, and how cool his proctor was, and how he totally could’ve gotten with her if she wasn’t a raging bitch. And GOD FORBID one of those stupid parents asks about sports teams. Because then they’re gonna have to hear about how he would’ve gone D1 for swimming if he hadn’t almost drowned that one time so he had to settle for leading those weekday kayak sessions at the BOC. Please, I beg of you, apply for the tour guide position. Literally anyone is better than this fucking guy.