BY: PATRICK LYNOTT Oct. 27, 2020
In a characteristically suave announcement on Friday, Clayton Rose, President of Bowdoin College and an intensely passionate botanist, declared that for the duration of National Mental Health Week, the college would be amending its mascot to the “Bi-Polar Bears.” The decision comes as a response to renewed calls to update the oft bemoaned Counseling Services at the school. “I have decided to take substantial action in honor of Mental Health Awareness Month,” said Rose in the Friday statement, evidently filmed in front of the fireplace at Xanadu. “And effective immediately, I will be changing our mascot to the Bi-Polar Bears. Get it? Because Polar B- and – er. You had to be there, I guess. But I will also be cutting the Counseling budget by another 15%, so there’s that.”
The announcement was met with mostly humdrum murmurings and banal platitudes among the student body. As Arjun Mehta (‘21), a senior majoring in Sourdough Bread and Superfluous Geography, put it: “I would expect such a savvy PR move from the likes of Bates College located in Lewiston and Waterville’s own Colby College, but not from Bowdoin, which can be found in Brunswick, Maine.”
This does not mark Bowdoin’s first mascot change. The school’s original mascot was the “Whispering Pines,” which was changed to the now defunct “Polar Bears” in 1913. And in 1994, swept up in “Mel-mania,” the college changed the mascot to the “Mavericks” in honor of the Mel Gibson film of the same name. The college of course reverted back to the “Polar Bears” upon revelations of Gibson’s views about semetic people. The Bowdoin administration swore off another impulsive mascot change, until the present one by Rose. “I just couldn’t help myself,” Rose told Harpoon reporters. “The pun was begging to be used. Plus, I needed pretense to announce those budget cuts to the Counseling Services. I think I got out in front of the narrative.”
The new moniker will be a muzzled and straightjacketed version of the current Polar Bear with a little dialogue bubble that reads “Please help mnfomonfouBDN=jbifdonsqowphcibz.”
BY: WILL HAUSMANN Oct. 27, 2020
After six full weekends on campus, there has been a shockingly small number of transports to Mid Coast Hospital due to the over-imbibing of alcohol. Only four students have found themselves taking an unplanned ambulance ride, according to data the Harpoon obtained from the Office of Safety and Security. This represents a 71% decline in transports, compared to an average of 13.7 transports through six weekends in previous years.
Members of Peer Health are suggesting the decline can be attributed to their decision to introduce a virtual newsletter each week, starting in late March of last academic year. “We decided that Peer Health needed a messaging change, so we chose an email newsletter instead of posters because it’s a digital age and stuff,” Darren Shepherd ‘21 told the Harpoon. “After realizing the screenagers of today spend all of their time on the toilet staring at their phones instead of the Stall Street Journal, we realized we needed to go virtual to be successful.”
Susan Seuss ‘21 , a Biology major, aspiring research MD, and co-leader of Peer Health, said she is investigating this effect for her honors project this year. “I conducted a double-blind, peer-reviewed experiment comparing the transport rates of students who identify as ‘Active’ vs ‘Inactive’ readers of Peer Health content,” Seuss said. She went on to say that her data “absolutely guarantees” that the newsletter is preventing transports.
When asked whether COVID and social distancing guidelines could be attributed to the lower number of transports, Seuss and Shepherd said there was “weak causality at best.”
Still, not all students are ready to accept Peer Health’s explanation. According to Orson Digby Palmer V, self-described “beer maven” and third generation member of the lacrosse team, the sole reason for the decline is “this year’s crop of first years are simply not as cool as that of previous years,” and they lack the “100 kegs or bust” mentality exemplified by our newest Supreme Court justice,
By JACOB BASKES Sep. 4, 2019
The new Park Row Apartments mostly opened to 88 lucky students on Sunday, marking the end of what was originally a 16-month project—completed in just 12. The apartments were built using just three quarters of the money that peer institutions spend on similar projects, and include only three quarters of the flooring, plumbing, and furnished bedrooms seen in those same developments.
Continue reading “Park Row Opens At 75% Cost, 75% Completion”
by ETHAN BENVINGTON May 1, 2019
Surprising any student who has been in a campus building during their Bowdoin career, the Bowdoin College Russian Department is seriously convinced their poster campaign is going to get more students into the department this time around. Seriously.
Continue reading “Russian Department Honestly Convinced Posters Will Work This Time”
by ELIZA JEVON April 28, 2019
Dan Polonski was stoked for Ivies. It was true–he had felt the ups and downs of his first year at Bowdoin a little harder than his classmates. He ran out of polar points from eating c-store meals alone, spent more time in the stacks than he did sleeping, and waved back to people actually waving to the person behind him at least three times a day. However, he woke up Friday morning ready to transform himself.
Continue reading “First Year Shows Up In Front of Hubbard for Quad Day”
by HOLLY LYNE April 24, 2019
My freshman fall, I was so excited to meet the Peer Health representative for my floor. I thought he would be an integral part of my Bowdoin experience, keeping me safe from harm in my new home away from home. Little did I know, he wasn’t even a real doctor.
Continue reading “Why are there no doctors on Peer Health?”
by HOLLY LYNE April 22, 2019
It’s that time of year again. The basics are flocking to Salvo to buy tie-dyed outfits for Ivies, the sun is shining but the quad is still too soggy to sit on, and if you don’t have an internship yet, panic is setting in. Springtime has arrived in Brunswick.
Continue reading “Uglies and Fatties Banned from Senior Seven”
by MADDIE HIKIDA April 18, 2019
Are you upset that Dean Tim Foster is leaving because you didn’t make enough DTF jokes? Worry not! He’ll be running for President of the United States, just like everyone else.
Continue reading “Dean Tim Foster Leaving to Run for President, Just Like Everyone Else”
by WILL HAUSMANN April 15, 2019
The BSG elections closed last night to raucous ambivalence on the part of Bowdoin Students. Ural Mishra was elected president and some other people were probably elected to some other positions. Blank dot also had a very good night, receiving 630 votes all while running 5 campaigns. Some BSG members have suggested Blank Dot might be able to win a chair position next year with a more focused effort.
Continue reading “Lots of Unanswered Questions after BSG Elections, Rumors of Contested Results”
by WILL HAUSMANN April 14, 2019
After speaking with the candidates, the Harpoon has
compiled a comprehensive voter guide for the few of us out there who will
actually vote in the BSG elections this weekend.
Continue reading “The Harpoon Guide to the BSG Election”