By Spencer Sussman

First-Year Tim Jones, widely considered the stupidest student on campus, was spotted proudly sporting a “You Belong at Bowdoin” crewneck last Thursday. “I just think everyone should feel like they totally belong here, both socially and academically,” said Jones, who is generally regarded by the student body as both a social outcast and academically incompetent.  

Head of Admissions Claudia Marroquin said Jones was “literally the worst applicant we accepted in the class of 2028.” Marroquin added, “He really shouldn’t be here. He fell through the cracks.”

Jones has already impressed his professors with his remarkable ineptitude. Professor Barbara Elias, who leads Jones’ first year writing seminar, Weapons of the Weak, recognized he was different from the rest of her students on day one. “I could tell immediately that Tim was far dumber than just about any student I’ve ever had in my 11 years at Bowdoin,” Elias explained. 

While Professor Elias’ usual goal with her First-Year Writing Seminar is to refine high school-level writers into college-level writers, she said that the semester would be a huge success if Jones can learn to differentiate between “to” and “too.” Professor Jim Higganbothum called Jones a “lost cause.” 

“With such an impressive student body, it’s easy to feel out of place at times; the imposter syndrome,” Jones explained. “But that’s all nonsense. I know Bowdoin is the place for me. I’m just as capable as everyone here.” Jones was recently denied from all acapella groups, became the first person to be cut from the Learn to Row program, and is failing both Fundamentals of Music and Egyptian Archaeology. Jones was not funny enough to make the Office Hours improv comedy group. 

Halfway through his second month on campus, Jones has not yet found Thorne dining hall. “I’ve gotten close, but just haven’t quite been able to find the entrance,” Jones told The Harpoon.