By: Isa Fernandez

Maybe you had a few too many shots at your pre-game. Maybe the keg stand at Lighthouse was a bad idea. Maybe you’re just clumsy as shit. One way or another, we or a loved one have dropped a cup in the dining hall and attracted the attention of every man, woman, child, and squirrel in a 10 mile radius. It’s a heinous crime that many of us are guilty of. But this attack on eardrums ends now. The Office of Safety and Security has rolled out its newest initiative to make Bowdoin a safer place for all. Anyone who drops a cup in the dining hall will now be shot point blank. 

Some members of the student body are concerned that the new initiative is “a bit harsh” for the mistake of dropping a cup. But these are the same students that drop the same cup six times at Supers and act like it’s the funniest thing ever. Death, to all of them.

The new security measure was implemented by Associate Vice President for Safety and Security Randy Nichols, who claims he’s “seeing how much [he] can get away with before retirement.” Nichols informed Harpoon reporters that part of the new measure includes snipers positioned on those ugly ass light fixtures in Thorne, ready to shoot the unfortunate soul that believed they could balance 3 cups on their plate.