BY MATTHEW STEIN

Matthew Stein: How many times have you attended a party and been disappointed when the next song is by an artist that you don’t really like? If you are like me, this has happened countless times over the years. Even in different countries this is true. 

MS: How many times have you hosted a party and been surprised when no one shows up? If you are like me, this has happened countless times over the years. Even in different countries this is true.

MS: My Austrian friend, Klaus, and I were discussing what makes a good party while Ubering to the function. Although there was a bit of a language barrier, we managed to narrow it down to two key ideas. 

1. Party Communication.
2. Bitte hör auf, mir Fragen zu stellen.

MS: We’ll cover that second idea in a future column but for now let’s talk communication. In this digital age, communication is like a condom at the Olympics: readily available, but seldom used to its full potential (balloon animals, waterproofing applications, etc). 

MS: In relation to the party scene at Bowdoin specifically, communication could more accurately be compared to a condom at Baxter 226: readily available, but never used. If we want better, more bumping functions, we need to commit to a new standard. We need to commit to the Ethics of Party Communication.

MS: The Ethics are pretty simple. There are five rules:

Klaus: Ich verstehe kein Englisch. Außerdem kann ich mich nicht einmal daran erinnern, einen Uber-Pool bestellt zu haben. Ich dachte, ich hätte einen normalen Uber bestellt.

MS: Rule Number One: Confirm or deny attendance. After receiving an invitation to a function, one should send over a quick email to the host(s) that communicates whether or not you will be attending the function, at what time you predict you will show up to the function, and if you are attending, how long you expect to stay at the function. This is also a good time to ask clarifying questions about the function’s themes, dress codes, intended age range, or intoxication expectations.

MS: Rule Number Two: Auxical Consent. Most functions will revolve around the music. The source of this music is the aux. In modern times, “the aux” refers to the person who owns and operates the phone connected to the speakers. The aux is entrusted with nursing the metaphorical hearth of the function. The key to holding the position of the aux is establishing auxical consent. Simply put, make sure that all attendees of the function are (1) aware and (2) supportive of the imminent transition to the next song. As an aux, a nice way to facilitate this is to project your Spotify onto a white board. This allows all function goers to see the amount of time left for the current song and to vote yay (Y) or nay (N) on the white board for all songs in the queue. Those who participate in the poll must unanimously support the playing of a given song, otherwise the song must be removed from the queue. Songs must be presented in the queue with at least a five minute voting period before they are played.

MS: Rule Number Three: The Irish “Irish Goodbye” and the Irish “Irish Hello”. Let “Irish Goodbye” translates to “It is not the case that one says goodbye before leaving the function.” “Irish ‘Irish Goodbye’” translates to “It is not the case that it is not the case that one says goodbye before leaving the function.” When someone arrives at the function, it is imperative that they alert all current attendees that they have arrived at the function. A more informal way to carry this duty out is to float around the room(s) and individually dap-up, handshake, kiss, or otherwise physically greet each attendee in alphabetical order by last name to ensure complete coverage. A more formal (but also less time consuming) method is to momentarily pause the music and announce your presence with a microphone. Then, list out the full name of each current attendee in alphabetical order. Before moving on to the next name, make eye contact with the person to ensure that they are fully aware that it is in fact you who has arrived at the function and not another person using your name as their own in order to gain access to exclusive functions to which they were not invited. This method becomes more complicated at costume functions (think Halloween) where many people are wearing masks. In these situations we would recommend the first method. At the end of your night, when you plan to leave the function, do either of the above methods but instead of saying hello or announcing your arrival, say goodbye or announce your departure.

MS: Rule Number 4: The Colored Cup System. It is important for all function attendees to be aware of each other’s emotional and social states. We recommend implementing a colored cup system. Each attendee will drink their beverage of choice in a cup whose color corresponds to a certain emotional or social state. If at any time, the emotional or social state of the attendee changes, they simply dispose of their current cup and pick up a new color. The colors and their meanings are as follows:

1. Red: This color communicates intense anger. Attendees drinking out of these cups harbor intense hatred for a specific person, a specific type of institutional discrimination, or a specific club sport on campus.
2. Orange: This color communicates iron deficiency. Attendees drinking out of these cups are liable to get light-headed and/or dizzy if they stand up too fast. 
3. Yellow: This color communicates a marital status of “Married, age difference >30 years.” Attendees drinking out of these cups are some of the most outgoing and sexually deviant people at the function. 
4. Green: This color communicates Austrian nationality. Attendees drinking out of these cups are resistant to engagement and confused when using ridesharing apps such as Uber or Lyft. 
5. Blue: This color communicates a level of embarrassment that prevents the attendee from drinking out of a purple cup. Attendees drinking out of these cups are too embarrassed to drink from a purple cup.
6. Purple: This color communicates comp sci major. Attendees drinking out of these cups possess a general fluency in technology and typically assist the aux in connecting their laptop to the projector. 

MS: Rule Number 5: Prepare For Party Termination. Attendees of the function should be aware of the end of the function so that the end of the function is not a shock. The host of the function is responsible for floating around the function and reminding attendees how many minutes they have before the function ends. At fifteen minute intervals, the music should be paused so the host can announce on the microphone how many minutes there are until the function ends. During the last hour of the function, the host should gradually increase the oxygen concentration in the room(s) to ensure that all attendees are feeling drowsy enough to go to sleep after the function ends. 

MS: That’s the Ethics of Party Communication. These are simple rules to get the function more bumping. Next week, Klaus and I will go over Bitte hör auf, mir Fragen zu stellen.