NOAH SAPERSTEIN

WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a recent memo from the White House, President Donald Trump has ordered what little is left of the EPA to start “killing baby birds and poisoning tributaries” starting next Wednesday.

Below is the full text of the memo:

Once upon a time there was a nation named the United States of America. That nation is still this nation and it is awesome. Today, we are making it awesomer through the total and complete destruction of the woke left’s “environments and ecosystems.” The liberal mob has tricked us into loving trees and rivers and the sunset. Even more concerning, we are falling far behind our international rivals. The smog of New York – and I love New York but the smog is no good – is nothing compared to the beautiful haze of Xianyang! The time for change is now. Our campaign will start underground. We will begin to frack more than ever and not even for oil! Did you know you can do that? You can just drill down and pump around chemicals just because. Maybe they will make the rocks do interesting things.

Moving higher up, we will begin to dump a special sludge mixture into the nation’s water supplies. This special sludge was perfected by some of the best people, our people, and it is going to be really great. I’m telling you it will be the best sludge, a special sludge, a sludge they could not make in CHINA!

Next, we will be addressing plants. We will kill plants with fire and maybe kill them with chemicals too. The plants will be gone and there will be concrete there instead. Concrete made in America with American supplies. What even is concrete? Rocks I guess and something that is sticky? Whatever – it will be everywhere soon.

Trees are also gone. No TREES! Trees are too tall and they will be dealt with by a new startup project by Elon called “UpRuut.” Expect some more news on this after seed funding hits (haha seed funding haha).

Finally the skies. The sky will be full of soot and ash and interesting compounds. Folks, you have not seen compounds like this. These compounds will blot out the sun and give you cancer! We will make American air great again!

God bless America and God bless the President of the USA!