BRUNSWICK, ME–Amidst artificial light and equally artificial food, many students only choose to dine at the Pub on select occasions. Pub Trivia or the much loathed but well attended Stand-up Nights provide an excuse to spend some Polar Points and enjoy a burger. Yet Massachusetts native Julian Schlogis ‘29 needs no such excuse. Since September 3rd (the second day of the semester) Schlogis has been ripping solo Pub meals for both lunch and dinner. How could anyone brave the sonorous space for so long? How could anyone stand the darkness, the disorientation, the dizziness of a restaurant with no natural light?

Schlogis is revolutionizing the game.

“How long do you think you can keep this up?” Harpoon staff asked Schlogis. “Until YouTube runs out of videos” Schlogis responded coldly. Lonely eaters have long made use of the booths in the Moulton dark room or the side wing of Thorne, but few have been able to sustain such long streaks at the Pub.

Health professionals are worried. Schlogis eats two hamburger patties and a side of mayo twice a day, everyday. “He hasn’t seen anything green since July,” Dr. Maggie Riesbaum, Schlogis’s pediatrician, told the Harpoon. Dr. Riesbaum believes that Schlogis’s body is adapting itself to the environment of the Pub in much the same way that elite athletes adapt to extreme physical stress. His spinal cord has shrunk perfectly to allow his head to watch YouTube from his phone at the optimal level and his eyes have grown to be 2.5 times larger than the average person’s. Dr. Riesbaum believes gills have started to form along Schlogis’s neck to ease his breathing while shoving his face with mayo and bare beef patties. “He’s a squid,” Bryan Schlogis, Julian’s father, told the Harpoon with some dismay. 

Like Kipchoge, Bolt, or Goggins, Julian Schlogis is pushing the limits of what humans can do. Yet as he approaches month two of eating only at the Pub, the question remains–will he get the recognition he deserves?