After a tumultuous registration season created by Bowdoin’s new partnership with Workday, the Harpoon team asked students: What is your class registration method of choice? These were the top 20 answers:

1. The old lottery system 
2. Working for a day
3. Staking out the registrar’s office in tents 
4. Begging professors for a spot in their class (and ultimately attempting to bribe them with whatever college students can afford… ramen?)
5. Replying all to a college-wide email
6. The bartering system
7. A Ticketmaster queue 
8.  Getting drafted by professors a capella style (you have 1 MINUTE to decide)
9.  Carving a Stone Tablet 
10.  Meyers-Briggs Personality Test
11.  Interpretive Dance Competition
12.  Peucinian style debate brackets
13.  Messenger pigeon
14.  Sexting the Dean
15.  Whoever can survive a season of The White Lotus
16.  Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders Auditions
17.  Timothée Chalamet look-a-like contest
18.  Ayahuasca
19.  Hunger Games-style fight to the death 
20.  The Electoral College

BRUNSWICK–On Tuesday, seven brave students entered the Peucinian room prepared for some difficult conversation. Their class, Queering Early-Modern Trade Routes, had assigned a nine page article about the role of women and queer-identifying folks in shipbuilding during the 16th century. The students engaged in nearly 90 minutes of fierce agreement, clocking 15 instances of “jumping off of that” to go along with 11 of “to expand on that.”

Jessica White, a first-year prospective GSWS and theatre double major, spoke to the Harpoon about this harrowing experience; discussing how “It can be difficult to engage in such important, divisive texts. Everyone had deep thoughts to share, and I loved how nobody ever disagreed.”

When we reached out to President Safa Zaki, whose office responded with the following statement: “President Zaki is thrilled by any news of students agreeing. As her administration progresses, our fearless president will work tirelessly to ensure a learning environment where nobody will ever disagree, ensuring a community for those who politically align and a public execution for those who may have undesirable opinions.” 

We at The Harpoon will continue to fiercely defend our president in her unending pursuit of building a politically homogenous utopia.

BRUNSWICK, ME—Tragedy occurred on campus when sophomore Olivia Reading ‘28 suddenly went missing Saturday night. After a thorough investigation, Bill Harwood, director of Safety and Security, pieced the chilling truth together in Smith Union reporting, “We found a singular Bean Boot, a friendship bracelet, a half-finished Connections game on her iPad, and the end of a Sunrise Smoothie. Sadly, this confirmed our culprit: the very chair she was sitting in.”

The comfy chairs in the back of Smith Union have long been a campus hazard. At all hours of the day, one can find students curled up in the chairs while in various stages of a coma. It was only a matter of time until the deadly furniture was to claim its first victim. 

“The best way to describe the anatomy of a Smith chair would be the Sarlacc Pit from Star Wars. We don’t exactly understand how it works or what makes it so squishy, but it appears escaping its digestive tract is rather unlikely,” Harwood said.

Since discovering Reading, the back of Smith Union has been closed off to students. While security officers are tasked with performing an autopsy of the chair, the frightening situation has driven some away. One member of security, who wished to remain anonymous, explained his fears exclaiming, “Who knows what else these chairs are capable of? If I was constantly sat on 24/7, I too would be angry! I’ll stick to breaking up parties, thank you very much.”

The College is now searching for ways to tame the wild chairs, which are close relatives of couches. According to Harwood, they “successfully dealt with the couches a few years ago by feeding them a sacrificial J.D. Vance.” He theorizes that their genetic relation could clue a solution, adding, “a similar method might work in this case. Marco Rubio could suffice.”

On Monday, August 25th, the gates of Bowdoin College flew open, welcoming hundreds of bright-eyed first-year students. With a record-breaking acceptance rate of just 6.8%, the Class of 2029 has demonstrated its parents’ intellectual prowess, emotional resilience, and ability to navigate the Common App with unmatched strength, decisiveness, and fortitude.

Hundreds of student and staff volunteers lined the quad, eager to greet these inspiring individuals—the On-a-Mission Dad, the Snowplow Mom, the GPS Parent, and the Sibling Who Just Wants to Leave—welcoming them to their greatest financial burden for the next four years.

In her annual Presidential Address, Safa Zaki praised the newcomers for their many accomplishments leading up to their acceptance at Bowdoin, stating:

“We know you worked hard to get here. You toured no fewer than twenty colleges, wrote several ingenious supplemental essays, and even paid $4,000 for a writing coach who really understood your child’s voice. This room is filled with trailblazers.
Some of you pressured your kid to play a sport their entire life—and because of you, they are now playing at an okay, Division III school. Some of you chaired the PTA, forged key relationships with guidance counselors, and strategically boosted your child’s résumé with presidencies of the Key Club, Debate Team, and Robotics Club. And one of you made billions of dollars—we sincerely thank you for your continued support of our college.”

As the Class of 2029 embarks on the next four years of learning, growing, and transformation, members of The Harpoon wish them the very best. Upon graduation, we hope they leave this campus with a deeper understanding of who they are, who their child should be, and how to best remind them—frequently, lovingly, and via text—that none of this would have been possible without you.