Category: All

All, U.S., World

Trump Tariffs Make Everything Cheaper and Better and More Awesome

JASON OLARU-HAGEN

We don’t make anything anymore! Everything’s from Mexico or Africa or CHINA. We used to make things, and China would buy those things from us! It doesn’t happen like that anymore… But Trump is gonna change all that. Basically, we put a tariff on a country and they pay for it. Let’s say you wanna buy a 50 inch flat screen OLED display television from Samsung. It costs $200. If we do a 50% tariff on China, that means they pay for half of it. So you get the TV for $100! Now that Trump is President, a guy like me can get a new TV for half off! I’ve wanted a new TV for a while, and I know that millions of good, god-fearing Americans want the same things that I want. Trump’s gonna give it to us, and we’re gonna love it!

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All, Bowdoin, Miscellaneous

Alert! Your Girlfriend’s Birthday Was Yesterday

HENRY STACK

BRUNSWICK, ME–I realized something was off with my girlfriend on a weekend trip to Canada with the boys. While I was getting crunked on the streets of Montreal with the boys, my girlfriend’s disposition became noticeably different. She was upset and frustrated and it almost seemed like my drunk calls at 1am from the streets of Montreal were not only not making her feel better, but actually making her feel worse. I could not figure out what was happening and everytime I asked she responded with “I’m fine” which seemed to be pretty conclusive evidence that she was totally okay. Yet finally I figured it out–she told me that I had gone to Montreal to get ham-sauced with the boys on her 20th birthday. 

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All, Bowdoin, Miscellaneous

Bowdoin Appoints Dean of Dean of Dean of Students 

SPENCER SUSSMAN AND NOAH SAPERSTEIN

On Tuesday, President Zaki announced that Bowdoin would be creating a new and important position at the college: the Dean of Dean of Dean of Students. In her email, President Zaki explained that “this position will help our Dean of Dean of Students supply specific and broad support to the Dean of Students.”

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All, Bowdoin, Miscellaneous, U.S.

I Had Phone Sex With My Alumni Connection 

RIO HANSON

After a year of telling my parents that my Gender, Sexuality, and Women’s Studies major would lead to job prospects it was finally time to tap into the illustrious Bowdoin alumni network at Sophomore Bootcamp. I immediately felt out of place as my finance bro friends regaled me with stories of snorting lines and doing time in minimum security prisons with their alumni connections. I felt lost, searching for a connection that would appreciate feminist literature as much as I do (6’ 3” btw). 

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All, Bowdoin, Maine, U.S.

Burnett House Replaced With Giant Pile of Sand

JONATHAN LERDAU

In a surprising turn of events, Burnett House has been replaced with a giant pile of sand. The pile is about 35 feet tall, and around 7000 square feet, essentially replicating the exact dimensions of Burnett House but in sand. It’s like if the house had never existed and instead there was just a house-sized pile of sand, but no one could live in it and it no longer had a dumpster where I could throw out the trash from my off-campus house.

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