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I’m Dreaming of a White Christmas

The mall opened at 8AM, but even then, the line was usually somewhat long. And even if there weren’t a line, there would still be people around. After weeks of observation, I deduced that the optimal time would be a Thursday at 7PM, just before closing. So about, gosh, 2 months ago at this point, I made my move. On that unassuming winter evening, I made my way to Brunswick Plaza just before ‘Santa’ — real name Michael Kelly, age 76 — ended his shift. 

There was not a soul in that mall but him and I. Every store was closed and there was hardly any light. But I saw him. Plump, and jolly as ever, hoisted high on his Santa chair. He sat in the middle of the — is atrium the right word? The big empty room in the mall where you can see high up and there’s a wide floor. He was in the middle. All alone.

I walked up to him. He looked up at me. “How can I help you, son?” He asked. I could hardly get the words out. I leaned up close to his ear, and whispered my proposition. I pulled a 20 dollar bill out of my pocket.

I wanted — no, needed — Santa to sit on my lap, not the other way around. I hadn’t been able to get that fantasy out of my head for years, and I feared that the only way to free myself of this perverted curse was to will it into existence. 

He obliged. I knew he would. He had fallen short on rent for 3 consecutive months and was desperate. He stood up, and I took his place. 

With one swift motion he sat on my lap. He beckoned to me, asking if I was alright, if he was crushing me. Even if I wanted to talk, I couldn’t. All the air had been forced from my lungs, and I could only inhale small gasps through his thick, red coat. And he was crushing me, but that’s what my body demanded. It’s what I needed. His behind weighing upon my sack of presents. The back of his neck smelt like cookies. Everything was warm … like cookies. 

Anyways, my break was super fun and I feel rested and ready for this next semester! I ordered my textbooks and I think I’m gonna join some clubs this week.

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7 best ways to get out of your situationship without a real conversation

Though Valentine’s Day is just around the corner, not all of us are, in fact many of us are not, in the committed relationships we would hope to be. While many are single and ready to mingle, some of us are in the in-between… in that uncomfortable situationship that has gone on for too long. You’re not committed to one another, but in an uncomfortable and unclear way, you also are. And while sometimes that’s not ideal, other times it’s really not and you’re ready to break free. With that in mind, here’s five ways to get out of your current situation without having a real conversation.

  1. Once an hour, start a sentence with, “I’m not gay, but..”
  2. Pay a Brunswick family to act as your host family and introduce your situationship in an extended family dinner.
  3. Show up Sunday morning unannounced in a button down and sweater vest, and ask your situationship if they’re ready to go to church to amend their pagan ways
  4. Make the two of you participate in the egg challenge to test if the two of you are ready for parenthood 
  5. Have your dean come up to you unprompted and mention your beautiful wedding Pinterest board, and then ask, “when’s the date?”
  6. Cosplay as Nathanial Hawthorne for a week (with extra commitment in the bedroom)
  7. Become an active member of the Bowdoin Conservatives

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Bowdoin Squirrels Plagued by Body Dysmorphia after Yik-Yak Posts

Part of Bowdoin’s winter charm is watching all the fat squirrels scamper around campus with the occasional pizza slice or half-eaten apple in their cute little mouths. It helps distract from the fact that you’re currently on your way to fail your Physics midterm in -5º weather. We’ve seen many a Yik-Yak post calling out the “biblical greed” of these furry friends, poking fun at how large and rotund they are from November to April.

While the student body may view this as harmless fun, the reality is that these comments are having a negative effect on the body image of the squirrels on campus. Resident squirrel Barry D. Nuts, Chair of the Committee for Cross Species Relations, has reached out to the Harpoon to draw attention to this issue. “Squeak squeak, squeakity squeak” [translation: The abhorrent fatphobia and fatshaming happening to my fellow brothers and sisters across this campus is sickening. How dare the student body mock us for simply doing what nature demands? Do you shame a tree for losing its leaves? Do you ridicule the sun for setting? Do you sneer at the birds flying south for the winter? Nay, so why must we be taunted for preparing for a harsh Maine winter? Why is it so hilarious that we are gathering food for the sick and the young who cannot do it themselves? Why, I ask, is my image being used to compare yourself to how you feel after last night’s Super’s menu? It is a disgusting form of bullying, the likes of which I have never seen on the campus before. I shame you, Bowdoin College. Shame!].

In response to this outrage, the Center for Multicultural Life will be hosting an open discussion, creating a space for squirrels and students alike to air their grievances and, hopefully, reach a mutual understanding. 

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Cockblocked by Codependent Roommate

Love is in the air this February, and as Valentine’s Day draws ever nearer, countless students across campus are preparing for a wonderful day with their sweetheart. However, not every student is blessed with a single or has a roommate that spends all hours in the Smith Union game room.

Some students, like Brendan Dawson ‘29, are being cockblocked by their codependent roommate. “It’s really frustrating,” explained Dawson, “I really like the guy but I feel like I can’t get a moment alone with my girlfriend.”

“The guy” refers to Dawson’s Osher 4th roommate, Jimmy Barker ‘29, self proclaimed “nice guy” who is spending this Valentine’s Day alone. Barker and Dawson are a great roommate pair, always getting meals together and running underground poker games in the Osher laundry room.

The issue arose recently, when Barker’s long distance girlfriend broke up with him over Winter break. Ever since, Dawson has not been able to get a moment alone, practically attached at the hip to his newly single roommate. “I’m starting to really worry about Valentine’s Day, I just started dating my girlfriend and I was kind of hoping to have the room to myself for the night”, Dawson told Harpoon reporters. The new couple has been lacking in their “alone time”, and Dawson was hoping this would finally be the night to have his cherry popped. When the subject of Valentine’s festivities was discussed, Barker simply assumed he would be joining Dawson and his girlfriend. “Hell ya! Pal-entine’s Day is gonna be awesome! Just me, my good friend Brendan, and that girl I see him hanging out with sometimes. I think her name’s Stacy? Maybe we can be like a new super trio with matching shirts!”, exclaimed Barker.

As the holiday looms ever closer, Dawson is searching for a single to rent out for the night and potentially some sort of activity to keep his lonely roommate occupied.

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College Announces Historic Donation of Giant Menacing Obelisk 

In what administrators are calling “a transformative moment for the institution,” the College announced this Monday that it has accepted a generous donation to begin work on a new development project: a giant evil obelisk. “The college is proud to announce a 113$ million gift, the largest donation in our 232 year history”, states the newest headline on the Bowdoin website.  Through the guidelines of the new Initiative for Madness and Corruption, the monument to chaos will soon loom threateningly at the center of campus and hum faintly at all hours.

The structure, estimated to be around 66 feet tall, jet black, and “having no nefarious purpose” according to College officials, was donated by an anonymous benefactor described only as “a longtime friend of the College, a stalwart supporter of the common good and in no way an ungodly abomination”. According to a recent press release, the structure brings with it a variety of helpful student services and benefits, free of charge. It radiates an aura of dread, absorbs all sunlight within a 20 yard radius, and occasionally torments students with their deepest fears, bestowing unknowable truths and eldritch madness to anyone who gazes upon it for too long.

“We see this as a great opportunity,” said Scott Perper, Chair of the Board of Trustees, “a step in the right direction, and a necessary step for humanity”. The ancient, malevolent pillar that predates recorded history also comes with a team of dedicated staff to maintain it, workshops, and student research opportunities. “Through this donation, we hope to advance the College’s mission of benefitting the common good by deepening our understanding of the coming epoch of terror,” said new department head, Doctor K. 

Students expressed cautious concern after several reported waking nightmares and a noticeable increase in ominous chanting and bouts of insanity near the quad. Overall reactions seem mixed, although the College ensures support networks and promises a smooth transition towards a new age of darkness.

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Girl Gets Ghosted After Lights Turn On at Supers

Sources confirmed that on Saturday night, Olivia Cunningham ‘27 was ghosted by her Valentine’s Day date immediately after the lights were turned on at Supers. “When the lights came on, I saw his face go white, like he’d seen something horrible. I asked him what was wrong, but he just mumbled something about the french fries not being crispy enough and said it was probably time for him to head to bed,” said Cunningham, trying to hold back tears as she recounted the incident. “I’m just really sad because I thought we had a great night, but I guess seeing me in direct light for the first time was just too much for him to bear. I mean he actually recoiled. Like he physically lurched backward. He reacted like he was a vampire being exposed to sunlight. Or like he was a Minecraft zombie being exposed to sunlight. Or like he was a troll being exposed to sunlight. Do you get the idea?” 

We contacted Olivia’s date to get his side of the story, and he agreed to speak with us on the condition of anonymity. “Did I really lurch? I’d say it was more of a look of shock, but my friends have always told me I wear my heart on my sleeve, so maybe I reacted more than I thought. To be quite frank, I was completely taken aback when I saw that Olivia was dressed up like a wolf, but I really tried not to be mean about it. The restaurant we ate at was pretty dimly lit, and the sun goes down at like 3 pm here, so I hadn’t actually gotten a good look at her. To be honest, she was nice enough, but I’m just not into the whole furry thing. I hope she finds someone who’s a good match for her.” 

Olivia hadn’t told us that she had been in fursona during the incident, so we reached back out to see if she could attest to her date’s version of events. “Oh yeah I’m a furry, but like I thought he was into it. I mean he kept talking about wanting me to put a collar on him and lead him around on a leash, so it felt like a natural assumption.”

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Bowdoin Dining Announces Meals to Now Cost 1.5 Meal Swipes Due to Inflation

With recent economic pressures continuing to drive up the cost of food, Bowdoin Dining sent out a campus-wide email on Thursday announcing that all meals on campus will now cost 1.5 meal swipes. “The purchasing power of one meal swipe has simply gone down compared to the value of a meal.

This isn’t a decision we wanted to make, but we had to do so in order to remain competitive in the economic sphere of college dining,” Isaiah Williams, the Executive Director of Dining Services, shared with reporters when asked about the decision to increase the number of meal swipes required to access a dining hall.

“I know there has been some worry that this may lead to students skipping meals in order to not run out of meal swipes too quickly. Honestly, I think eating fewer meals may just be what some students on campus need, not to fat-shame or anything, but just like that’s my personal preference. Not that I’m looking at students in that way, even though they’re all adults, so it would be totally fine if I was. But I’m not. I’m not looking at them like that, and I love my wife. Can we get back to the point? Meals are more expensive and it’s Biden’s fault.”

In response to the increase in the cost of meals, President Zaki sent out an email and declared that she would be leading a hunger strike in solidarity with students between dinner Sunday night and breakfast Monday morning, although critics have pointed out that this is a time during which she already would not have been eating.

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Donald Baxter MacMillan returns from Arctic hiatus and he is PISSED there are women here

To his family, friends, and indeed, the rest of the world, Donald Baxter MacMillan died of old age in Provincetown, Massachusetts in 1970. However, this was nothing more than a trick of the light—a wax body double. Honestly, it wasn’t very hard because wax body doubles don’t have pulses, and everyone knows that a pulse is the only way to check if anyone is still alive. Mr. MacMillan actually made one last trip to the Arctic when he was 95 to be frozen inside a glacier. 

There he rested until a week ago, when a small man in California named Albert Franklin chose to purchase a Ford F-150 instead of a Chevrolet Bolt and emitted so much carbon from his truck that the glacier melted. Now, it would be silly to suggest that we don’t all have a part in this mess we call climate change. However, it would also be silly to suggest that Mr. Franklin didn’t play a small part in unfreezing Mr. MacMillan. Fuck you, Mr. Franklin.

Because without you, Mr. Franklin, we would not have an old bigot walking about our campus. It turns out that Donald Baxter MacMillan, whom we all thought was the picture of flawlessness in character, is actually quite sexist and racist. He is, however, pretty on board with the LGBTQIA+ community. Who would have thought? Anyway, as you may know, the only reason women weren’t allowed to enroll at Bowdoin College in 1894 was because Mr. MacMillan was very vocal in opposition to such an idea. It was only in 1971, the year after he “died”, that women could be students at our institution. 

When Mr. MacMillan arrived here after his expedition, he was quite excited. It is a big deal to come back to life after being frozen for over 50 years and then to go to a place where there are like 12 different buildings named after you. Unfortunately, Mr. MacMillan’s joy was blown to smithereens the moment he saw a woman in a Bowdoin sweater.

“The sacred garments! They are tarnished! For naught! How shall this become a place of learning if these smart, wonderful, valiant, gorgeous, powerful, beautiful, pure-blooded men are around such creatures of temptation? For shame! For shame!” Mr. MacMillan said.

Mr. MacMillan is now walking around the quad hitting women with his cane. However, he is only hitting women who are smaller than him. This could be a commentary on sexists in general, but I’m not sure, so you guys can just go ahead and draw your own conclusions about this one.

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Vomit store closes down because of smell

The World Famous Vomit Store is a story of the American dream. In 1896, a Bulgarian couple, Chuck and Imathrowin Uhp, immigrated to New York City to start their dream of opening a store. They didn’t know what kind of store, but they knew that they would be selling things at a price slightly higher than what they had bought it for to make a profit. They also knew that the thing would have to be in high demand for them to be able to make any sales. These basic principles of economics were just now being discovered—they were close friends with John Economics, who often told them about his discoveries over dinner. Before that, most people had just been selling things that everyone already had or for a lower price than they had bought them for. This, of course, resulted in everyone opening a store and then closing it quite quickly afterwards. The World Famous Vomit Store, then, was revolutionary for storeowners the world over because of how it made money for the storeowners rather than the customer and was able to stay in business for longer than a few days.

Unfortunately, the store closed down recently because of complaints of a foul smell emanating from the storefront. Opinion is divided on the matter—many feel it important to preserve such an important monument to bodily fluids. Other than The World Famous Cum Store, which is much less stinky, there are no other businesses dedicated to any excretions. The Historical Society for Bodily Fluids (HSBF) is leading protests against the closure on the grounds that there is no other way for people to learn about their bodily fluids, other than via the World Famous Cum Store.

“Vomit has been an integral part of the human experience for as long as we have been around,” says Barfara Brown, executive director of HSBF. “Dated long before any kinds of paintings, we have found traces of human vomit on the walls of caves and in tar pits. Many of these artifacts are inside the World Famous Vomit Store and deserve to be displayed in public. It’s silly that it would close just because someone has a sensitive nose. I don’t see anyone closing down the World Famous Cum Store because of neighborly complaints.”

Despite what Brown may think, one does not need a sensitive nose to be disturbed by the odor of the World Famous Vomit Store. Inside are two enormous vats labelled “Boy Vomit” and “Girl Vomit,” which give off a horrific stench. Of course, everyone knows that girls don’t throw up, so most of the smell comes from the Boy Vomit vat. The Girl Vomit vat is full of flowers and sugar cookies and nice things, which makes sense. You can’t just have an empty vat. That would be silly.

“We don’t throw up,” says Nina Femi, former Head of Correspondence of the Girl Vomit vat. “That just wouldn’t make sense. Can you imagine if girls threw up? Ha! Silly, silly, silly.”

Fortunately for vomit enthusiasts everywhere, The World Famous Vomit Store will be relocated to the basement of the World Famous Cum Store. Funnily enough, the two stores market to a similar demographic. Who would have thunk? Anyway, a special grand reopening deal will allow customers to purchase an item from both stores for 15 percent off. Visit the World Famous Cum Vomit Store today!

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Breaking News: Situationship is Ready for a Longterm Relationship

Hello Bowdoin Harpoon,

My situationship of six months, who I’ve introduced to my parents and have told is the love of my life, just asked that we start officially dating. I really, really love her, but I don’t quite feel ready, and I’m worried that actually dating would ruin the special connection we have. What should I do?

Best,

Anonymous Hopeless Romantic

AHR,

All good things in life take time—especially love. Your intuitions are absolutely correct. Six months is only a blink of the eye. David Izzard, relationship expert, explains:

“The healthiest relationships almost always stem from 1, 2, even 3-year-long siutationships. It’s just not something you can rush.”

However, this is a delicate situation. Rejecting your situationship means losing a deep, meaningful connection, a wholly untenable outcome. 

You can respond to this in many ways—as long as you absolutely avoid giving anything close to a clear answer. Izzard recommends emotionally intelligent, communicative responses, including:

“Of course I love you, but it’s more as a spiritual mentor than a partner.”

“I’m so scared I’ll hurt you, almost as scared as I am of emotional intimacy.”

“I don’t want to be in a relationship with you, but I can’t bear the thought of you with someone else because I do want to be with you.”

“I don’t know.”

Be honest and open about your emotions, follow your heart, never actually commit to someone, and soon you’ll be living the fairytale romance of your dreams!