By Catherine Crouch

Obviously, like, this isn’t great. And yeah, I don’t know how it happened. All I know is that one minute I was dozing off in Kanbar and now I’m stuck in a cage and I have a tail. I’ve complained for months about my tiny little Chambo double but now I don’t even have a square foot to call my own. Maybe worst of all, I spent like an hour in the gym yesterday working on my glutes and my ass looked so fucking cute and perky in my Gymshark leggings today and like, now that hard work is for naught. 

But seriously, this fucking sucks! Not only was I going to absolutely whore it up in Park tonight and get some regrettably subpar peen, but I am pretty sure I am literally about to be executed. Two minutes ago a girl walked in here and grabbed a rat in a cage across from me and she hasn’t brought it back yet. And like, my new rat ears pick up on frequencies I couldn’t hear in my normal body, and now all I hear are the screams. 

I’ve never sympathized with animals before but this might be changing me. I would strongly prefer to graduate and be a grown woman in the Concrete Jungle Where Dreams Are Made of (Boston) next year and not be, like, exterminated. Like sure, I love to eat raw meat with my bare hands and I have this weird kink for slaughterhouse fancams that might be hard to break, but I really think I’d commit to animal activism and stuff if I get my bodyodyody back. 

OH SHIT! That sophomore bitch is back and I think she’s unlocking my cage. Now that I have a better look at her, I think I’ve seen her in Thorne before. I’d remember that fugly hair anywhere. Like, girl, that soft ombre balayage is sooo 2015. But fuck! Now she’s grabbing me by the neck and walking me into the lab. I know I should be more concerned with my fleeting mortality and stuff but like, has she never heard of nail care? Her cuticles look like absolute shit.

I’m now on the lab bench and these overhead lights are way brighter than the ring light I bought to film tik toks with. I try to scramble off the bench but she grabs me and holds me down and I can tell that she’s reaching for her scalpel. I try to scream and like tbh my squeak is kind of cute. Ugh, I just realllly don’t want this to be how I end!! I just hope that guy I fucked around with last spring will realize that he should have been my boyf while he had the chance. Well, fuck. At the very least that girl better get an A on her lab. If I have to be killed, then my data should slay as well.

By Catherine Crouch

I wake. All is dark. I oaf now, I fear. Body so large. To consume and consume. To live. To die.

Hind legs only, it seem. Where did fronts go? Is me only this, now? Scary scary to move. It is like birth, again. World is all new. Oh, oh, oh. This is a strange and cruel form.

One of the other Big Ones waves at me. In past he would predator. In his face now I see nothing. No potential, no future. Just slog till death, in this system. Entrapment. We are all stuck. Stuck until candle burns to pile of wax. 

Not know what to do. Could anything. Could sticky sticky sweet sweet licky lick. Could claw scratch pee on feet. Might rebel. Might revolt. Will feel. 

Today unknown. But oh, tomorrow mine. To be free is to be supreme. Ah. yes. World mine.

By Lucas Sheridan

Stunned by the sheer amount of responsibility afforded to him as E-host for a Bowdoin college house party, Eggen Nog ‘25 took it upon himself last weekend to test the mettle of Baxter’s prospective partygoers. “If you want Ice that is Nat-Ty, you must answer my riddles three!” said he. Awestruck by the riddler’s might, the West-fifth five then choose to fight; in exchange for a night of glee, to answer his riddles, they agreed. 

Said Nog: “What a comeback, but different kingdom come; while they would not speak, a friend one day did hum.” This first was meant to be a ball that curved, but he did not know the friends to whom he’d served. Thought did the five, combined their minds; once they knew, the eldest chimed: “A tough one, riddler, but we shall make you shift; it is falling in love with she whom your best friend once hooked up with!” 

Thinking they’d not think it due to misogynistic nature, Nog realized these freshmen could pose some danger. Press on, he did: “You indeed are smart kids. Here be a dandy to tickle your fancy. What a sight! They’re centaurs by day; under the moon, though, they’re always done in eight.” This left the late teens stumped, and the line forming to their rear was by no means pumped. They looked at each other aimlessly, but no one gave news; meanwhile time was slipping like a snake with butter shoes. As Nog began to count down with speed, hope from their hearts began to bleed; and just as the riddler got to one, “It’s the bitch cup drinker at a Bowdoin Equestrian party!” exclaimed little Sally Tungsten.

The riddler could not believe; whatever he threw, these weary travelers just would not leave. While he did not believe it could come to this, he knew that his next must be his best; it could not miss. He could not let his programming chair down, nor risk the scorn of the house overlord, Jeremiah Brown. “You peasants aren’t getting in” warned Nog, “for my best one shall wear you thin. It swims in sweet, but it’s not home; just one taste may make your mouth foam.” Yet this is where Nog made a grave error; this party began promptly at 8, and our heroes had just come from dinner. With a certainty that strengthened their bond, that would from then on protect them from any boss, they exclaimed in unison: “It’s the olive and bits of feta that live in the Moulton salad bar applesauce!”

With a cry, Nog crumpled to the ground; our fabulous five ventured forward, along with their cheering crowd. A rager ensued, heard through the lands; sang all the singers, banded all the bands! And after a night of responsible drink counting, they returned as rightful heirs to West hall, and climbed up their mountain.

By Noah Saperstein

In the Year of our Lord 2022, many afflictions have continued to plague ordinary American citizens.The deadly virus Covid—19 is still spreading and mutating, global tensions continue to rise in both Ukraine and Taiwan, and I still cannot scoop out that last little bit of JIF peanut butter without accidentally getting some on my hand. In addition, new contagions to keep us up at night have been spreading. Classified by their signature “Pox” names, the first was chickenpox but more recently monkeypox has been the pox of choice, even being classified as a “Public Health Emergency of International Concern” by the WHO. However, Monkeypox is only the tip of the iceberg. Our esteemed epidemiologists at the Bowdoin Harpoon have uncovered several more pox diseases on campus.

Goldiepox — Includes the infamous Smallpox, Bigpox and Just-Rightpox. Symptoms include increased propensity to break and enter homes and an insatiable appetite for oatmeal. 

Pox & Bonds — This awful illness immediately lands you a job at your daddy’s investment firm in Boston. Those infected by Pox & Bonds are also 3x more likely to mansplain crypto and consume thousands of hours of Andrew Tate.

Writer’s Pox — …

Donkeypox — Mainly 

Grandpox — Shingles. 

TedPox™ — Causes infected persons to break out into poorly timed 20-minute motivational speeches.

Hotpox — What happens when monkeypox meets your mom’s 2012 honda civic, three friends and an ounce. 

Reepox — A pox much more fashionable in the 1980s.

Tupox — The classified contaigen developed by the CIA to target the famous rapper. After uncovering this plot, Tupac faked his own death and escaped to Cuba.

Jock’s Pox — Makes you want to read children’s books.

The Annual PoxWalks 5k — Designed to find a cure.® 

Polarpox — You get 150 of them at the beginning of the semester and some spread them all in the first week, some don’t spread them at all.

Blackpox Down — The real reason it crashed. 

Bopox — Infected individuals have partial facial paralysis but hey, if it makes you look a few years younger, maybe it isn’t so bad. 

FauxPox — A pox for hypochondriacs. 

K-Pox — Symptoms include obsessive BTS listening and if you’re white, unnerving Koreaboo tendencies 

Bagel & Pox — As if Jews didn’t have enough to worry about, a pox just for us. 

By Jason Olaru-Hagen

The United States of America is in danger. The forces of chaos and QAnon are taking over, Jack. But, I believe that America will meet its moment. A fire will rise. A president will meet his destiny.

For a long time, I’ve been feeling down about the state of the world. War and strife are devastating countries from Ukraine to Yemen. Economic inequality is growing, and everything at the grocery store is more expensive than it used to be. The UN says climate change will lead to unprecedented catastrophe if we don’t start curbing global emissions by 2025. I am still terrified to talk to that cute girl who sits across from me in Intermediate Spanish II – Section A (CRN: 10431). But for the first time in a long time, I’m starting to feel hope. 

I hated having President Trump in office. I am privileged enough to be in the dominant category of basically every demographic. It was nice when Obama was president, and I didn’t have to think about politics that much. But then the orange guy was so bad, and everyone got so mad that I started to think there might be something fundamentally wrong with our nation’s economic system and political order. But then Biden won, and he said he’d restore the soul of our nation! That sounded nice, so I felt better.

For a while though, it seemed like Biden wouldn’t do the things he promised. I worried that maybe Democratic politicians don’t actually want to pass some of the policies they put on their own platform. But I watched more MSNBC and figured out that if anything bad happened it was because of the Republicans, and that Brandon is trying as hard as he can. And after weeks of scheming in the darkest caves of the Deep State, our president has unleashed his new campaign of national rejuvenation.

THE INFLATION REDUCTION ACT! Through means-tested consumer subsidies and tax rebates, The United States of America will conquer its interminable foes of impending climate change and pharmaceutical price gouging. Critics may say it’s a mere drop in the bucket towards addressing systemic inequalities and a warming atmosphere, but those people aren’t on the TV as much! Any logical citizen understands the choices presented to you as an American: you can become a Tucker Carlson fan or a Wolf Blitzer enjoyer. Anything outside of that spectrum is communist gobbledygook.

Brandon has now reached his final form. Although he entered the Oval Office as a fading geriatric with fond memories of Strom Thurmond, our president has become the laser-eyed superhero that our moment requires. Here’s to hoping Joe has a long and fruitful reign, and that he may live to pass on the Mandate of Heaven to Hunter, the rightful heir.

by Alex Wiseman | October 3rd, 2022

President Joe Biden clarified his comments from earlier this week today at a press conference explaining that he was not looking for late lawmaker Jakie Walorski when asking “Where’s Jackie” at the White House Conference on Hunger, Nutrition, & Health, but rather Jackie Kennedy.

When speaking to reporters about the incident, Biden said that “he wanted to be absolutely clear” that he was looking for Jackie Kennedy. “Folks, I was looking to speak to former first lady Jackie Kennedy after our successful landing on the moon. I know her former husband would be very proud of our American Astronauts as much as I am,” said Biden to reporters.

When asked by the press what he thought Jackie Kennedy meant to the nation, he replied by saying, “Nancy Reagan’s work on the ‘Just Say No’ campaign to stop youth drug use was what made her so influential to the youth of our nation.” When questioned further about whether he was suffering from memory loss problems and if he was fit for office, Biden told reporters that he is “mentally and physically fit to continue to serve as a United States Senator for Delaware.” The President then refused to take further questions as he needed to get back to “ending the Vietnam War.”

White House Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre later told reporters that the President remains committed to investigating the Watergate hotel break-in and that he sends his congratulations to Nelson Mandela on his victory in the recent South African Election.

by STAFF WRITER | April 9th, 2022

In an incredibly selfless and charitable move, Bowdoin’s Men’s lacrosse team has offered to host an event for the Free-the-Nipple campaign at their off-campus residence. One team representative stated, “As a team we thought about what issues were important to us. We heavily considered the American Red Cross and St. Jude’s Children’s Hospital. At the end of the day, the Free-the-Nipple campaign is something that is near and dear to our hearts.” The goal of the event is to raise awareness for the campaign by inviting Free-the-Nipple activists from around the Brunswick area to celebrate their liberation. 

A recent poll of the Bowdoin community shows that the Free-the-Nipple campaign has unprecedented support from one half of the student body. The poll found that nearly 98% of Bowdoin men were in favor of women freeing the nipple. This support crossed political lines, with both radical feminists and toxically masculine conservative men supporting the movement. “In such divided times, it is great to see an issue like freeing the nipple bringing people together,” another team representative stated. The event is running into some logistical issues, however, as the unwavering support from Bowdoin men has caused a gender imbalance in the RSVP list.