With just a few more weeks in the year, it is hard to believe that my time as a wee little First-Year is coming to an end. I’ve laughed, I’ve cried, and most importantly, I’ve made memories. Oh… the memories I have made. Let’s just say, it’s been an exciting year to be sure. Though it felt like every day was full of fascinating adventure, as I reflect now, there are a few events that stick out more than others. So, as I prepare to welcome in the Class of 2030 with open arms, here are those specific events– the canon events of my first year here–that I hope can serve as inspiration for them all. 

1. Ripping a bong in the chapel during Orientation Week
2. Catching my own lobster for Lobster Bake
3. Nude polar plunge in Farley pool
4. Dipping a toe into the pool of possibility
5. Alex Gates tramp stamp
6. Skinning a squirrel
7. Putting skin back on squirrel 
8. Experimenting with heterosexuality
9. Streaking the quad for first spring grass 
10. Getting van certified 
11. Hitting a wheelie fresh out of van certification 
12. Catfishing as Safa Zaki on Hinge 
13. Starting a drug ring 
14. Becoming patient zero for new Bowdoin STI

The mall opened at 8AM, but even then, the line was usually somewhat long. And even if there weren’t a line, there would still be people around. After weeks of observation, I deduced that the optimal time would be a Thursday at 7PM, just before closing. So about, gosh, 2 months ago at this point, I made my move. On that unassuming winter evening, I made my way to Brunswick Plaza just before ‘Santa’ — real name Michael Kelly, age 76 — ended his shift. 

There was not a soul in that mall but him and I. Every store was closed and there was hardly any light. But I saw him. Plump, and jolly as ever, hoisted high on his Santa chair. He sat in the middle of the — is atrium the right word? The big empty room in the mall where you can see high up and there’s a wide floor. He was in the middle. All alone.

I walked up to him. He looked up at me. “How can I help you, son?” He asked. I could hardly get the words out. I leaned up close to his ear, and whispered my proposition. I pulled a 20 dollar bill out of my pocket.

I wanted — no, needed — Santa to sit on my lap, not the other way around. I hadn’t been able to get that fantasy out of my head for years, and I feared that the only way to free myself of this perverted curse was to will it into existence. 

He obliged. I knew he would. He had fallen short on rent for 3 consecutive months and was desperate. He stood up, and I took his place. 

With one swift motion he sat on my lap. He beckoned to me, asking if I was alright, if he was crushing me. Even if I wanted to talk, I couldn’t. All the air had been forced from my lungs, and I could only inhale small gasps through his thick, red coat. And he was crushing me, but that’s what my body demanded. It’s what I needed. His behind weighing upon my sack of presents. The back of his neck smelt like cookies. Everything was warm … like cookies. 

Anyways, my break was super fun and I feel rested and ready for this next semester! I ordered my textbooks and I think I’m gonna join some clubs this week.

Though Valentine’s Day is just around the corner, not all of us are, in fact many of us are not, in the committed relationships we would hope to be. While many are single and ready to mingle, some of us are in the in-between… in that uncomfortable situationship that has gone on for too long. You’re not committed to one another, but in an uncomfortable and unclear way, you also are. And while sometimes that’s not ideal, other times it’s really not and you’re ready to break free. With that in mind, here’s five ways to get out of your current situation without having a real conversation.

1. Once an hour, start a sentence with, “I’m not gay, but..”
2. Pay a Brunswick family to act as your host family and introduce your situationship in an extended family dinner.
3. Show up Sunday morning unannounced in a button down and sweater vest, and ask your situationship if they’re ready to go to church to amend their pagan ways
4. Make the two of you participate in the egg challenge to test if the two of you are ready for parenthood 
5. Have your dean come up to you unprompted and mention your beautiful wedding Pinterest board, and then ask, “when’s the date?”
6. Cosplay as Nathanial Hawthorne for a week (with extra commitment in the bedroom)
7. Become an active member of the Bowdoin Conservatives

Love is in the air this February, and as Valentine’s Day draws ever nearer, countless students across campus are preparing for a wonderful day with their sweetheart. However, not every student is blessed with a single or has a roommate that spends all hours in the Smith Union game room.

Some students, like Brendan Dawson ‘29, are being cockblocked by their codependent roommate. “It’s really frustrating,” explained Dawson, “I really like the guy but I feel like I can’t get a moment alone with my girlfriend.”

“The guy” refers to Dawson’s Osher 4th roommate, Jimmy Barker ‘29, self proclaimed “nice guy” who is spending this Valentine’s Day alone. Barker and Dawson are a great roommate pair, always getting meals together and running underground poker games in the Osher laundry room.

The issue arose recently, when Barker’s long distance girlfriend broke up with him over Winter break. Ever since, Dawson has not been able to get a moment alone, practically attached at the hip to his newly single roommate. “I’m starting to really worry about Valentine’s Day, I just started dating my girlfriend and I was kind of hoping to have the room to myself for the night”, Dawson told Harpoon reporters. The new couple has been lacking in their “alone time”, and Dawson was hoping this would finally be the night to have his cherry popped. When the subject of Valentine’s festivities was discussed, Barker simply assumed he would be joining Dawson and his girlfriend. “Hell ya! Pal-entine’s Day is gonna be awesome! Just me, my good friend Brendan, and that girl I see him hanging out with sometimes. I think her name’s Stacy? Maybe we can be like a new super trio with matching shirts!”, exclaimed Barker.

As the holiday looms ever closer, Dawson is searching for a single to rent out for the night and potentially some sort of activity to keep his lonely roommate occupied.

Sources confirmed that on Saturday night, Olivia Cunningham ‘27 was ghosted by her Valentine’s Day date immediately after the lights were turned on at Supers. “When the lights came on, I saw his face go white, like he’d seen something horrible. I asked him what was wrong, but he just mumbled something about the french fries not being crispy enough and said it was probably time for him to head to bed,” said Cunningham, trying to hold back tears as she recounted the incident. “I’m just really sad because I thought we had a great night, but I guess seeing me in direct light for the first time was just too much for him to bear. I mean he actually recoiled. Like he physically lurched backward. He reacted like he was a vampire being exposed to sunlight. Or like he was a Minecraft zombie being exposed to sunlight. Or like he was a troll being exposed to sunlight. Do you get the idea?” 

We contacted Olivia’s date to get his side of the story, and he agreed to speak with us on the condition of anonymity. “Did I really lurch? I’d say it was more of a look of shock, but my friends have always told me I wear my heart on my sleeve, so maybe I reacted more than I thought. To be quite frank, I was completely taken aback when I saw that Olivia was dressed up like a wolf, but I really tried not to be mean about it. The restaurant we ate at was pretty dimly lit, and the sun goes down at like 3 pm here, so I hadn’t actually gotten a good look at her. To be honest, she was nice enough, but I’m just not into the whole furry thing. I hope she finds someone who’s a good match for her.” 

Olivia hadn’t told us that she had been in fursona during the incident, so we reached back out to see if she could attest to her date’s version of events. “Oh yeah I’m a furry, but like I thought he was into it. I mean he kept talking about wanting me to put a collar on him and lead him around on a leash, so it felt like a natural assumption.”

To his family, friends, and indeed, the rest of the world, Donald Baxter MacMillan died of old age in Provincetown, Massachusetts in 1970. However, this was nothing more than a trick of the light—a wax body double. Honestly, it wasn’t very hard because wax body doubles don’t have pulses, and everyone knows that a pulse is the only way to check if anyone is still alive. Mr. MacMillan actually made one last trip to the Arctic when he was 95 to be frozen inside a glacier. 

There he rested until a week ago, when a small man in California named Albert Franklin chose to purchase a Ford F-150 instead of a Chevrolet Bolt and emitted so much carbon from his truck that the glacier melted. Now, it would be silly to suggest that we don’t all have a part in this mess we call climate change. However, it would also be silly to suggest that Mr. Franklin didn’t play a small part in unfreezing Mr. MacMillan. Fuck you, Mr. Franklin.

Because without you, Mr. Franklin, we would not have an old bigot walking about our campus. It turns out that Donald Baxter MacMillan, whom we all thought was the picture of flawlessness in character, is actually quite sexist and racist. He is, however, pretty on board with the LGBTQIA+ community. Who would have thought? Anyway, as you may know, the only reason women weren’t allowed to enroll at Bowdoin College in 1894 was because Mr. MacMillan was very vocal in opposition to such an idea. It was only in 1971, the year after he “died”, that women could be students at our institution. 

When Mr. MacMillan arrived here after his expedition, he was quite excited. It is a big deal to come back to life after being frozen for over 50 years and then to go to a place where there are like 12 different buildings named after you. Unfortunately, Mr. MacMillan’s joy was blown to smithereens the moment he saw a woman in a Bowdoin sweater.

“The sacred garments! They are tarnished! For naught! How shall this become a place of learning if these smart, wonderful, valiant, gorgeous, powerful, beautiful, pure-blooded men are around such creatures of temptation? For shame! For shame!” Mr. MacMillan said.

Mr. MacMillan is now walking around the quad hitting women with his cane. However, he is only hitting women who are smaller than him. This could be a commentary on sexists in general, but I’m not sure, so you guys can just go ahead and draw your own conclusions about this one.