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College Releases Plans to Protect its Most Vulnerable: White Athletes

BY: SHARIF ABOULEISH Oct. 1, 2020

Two weeks ago, after several athletes were found sharing a blunt outside Farley Field house, the administration has decided to act. “This tragedy simply cannot be repeated,” spoke Dean Quinby to a Harpoon reporter, “I mean, how could our athletes be so poor as to not afford separate fatties”? In consultation with President Rose, Quinby has decided to implement a series of sweeping reforms. We have graciously summarized them for you below, which you may peruse at your leisure:

  1. The SWAG center will be converted into a safe space for white athletes. “They have suffered”, spoke Quinby, “can you imagine what it must be like—to have smoked marijuana and shared the same blunt? We must—”. As if of the same mind, Rose completed the sentence, “—care for them, as they so clearly care about us.” When asked whether ‘us’ referred to the administration or other students, Rose seemed confused that other students existed.
  1. The J-Board will introduce a new criterion to Covid-19 related hearings—the timed 1 mile. “We feel as if certain members of our community are more likely, due to socio-economic conditions, to violate Covid-19 regulations. In order to preserve collegial equity, we will be allowing students to share their track speeds with us during trials.” It seems, at long last, the administration is finally listening to the overwhelming chorus demanding fairness at Bowdoin.
  1. A statement will be released Friday warning that students who violate the on-campus community contract without wearing standard issue LL-Bean boots will be punished. 
  1. Different cohorts of students incur different expenses—a gender studies major endures hundreds of thousands in debt, another student might have to support their family, or an athlete might need to buy items (specifically, bagels for the lacrosse team). As a result, the college will be creating a “White Athlete Fund”—sponsored by Bank of America—in order to prevent fatty sharing. “No student should have to limit their experience at Bowdoin because of monetary restrictions” wrote President Rose in an email which began with his usual sweeping and unnecessary prologue.

For more information regarding the policy framework the college used to craft these reforms, please see:

https://ballotpedia.org/The_Republican_Party_Platform,_2020

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/University_of_North_Carolina_academic-athletic_scandal

DIY Lobster Bake!!!

BY PATRICK LYNOTT and ELIZA JEVON

DIY Lobster Bake!!!

Alright, we all know that this year’s Lobster Bake is cancelled due to COVID :(, but that doesn’t mean you can’t have your own socially distant Lobster Bake Celebration!! Just a follow a few easy steps to enjoy your own gourmet and ~safe~ DIY Lobster Extravaganza!

Step 1: Early Bird Gets the Worm!!!

It’s 3 A.M. Your alarm clock is clanging frantically in the corner of your room. You placed it there the night before, drunk, knowing you might never clamber out of bed if the clock was in arm’s reach. You stand and it’s scored by a cacophony of cracking joints. On the way to the bathroom, you don’t pull back a shade and look outside; it’s dark. Always is at 3 A.M.

The shower is cold and perfunctory. You make grinded coffee and fill your thermos with it. The coffee tastes metallic until you cut it with vodka, and when you do, you perk up for the first time all morning. The bitter sting of vodka feels like something, at least. Your pickup truck clambers over potholes on the way to the wharf.

Step 2: Cute Outfits 🙂

You pull on rubberized fishing gear. It’s dank and odorous, only ever washed by salty ocean spray. As you load the empty crates into your boat, trying not to let the ice cold water trickle down your sleeve, you greet your crew with a curt nod and grunt. You’re feeling livelier today because, after all it is Lobster Bake, so you allow a soft smile to your lips. Then you gear up the old rusty motor, cast off the mooring, and chug towards the mouth of the harbor.

Step 3: Work it!!!

Hauling up the first traps is always the hardest. You never expect your back to ache this much, but it does, and you forgot to pack Aleve in the morning commotion. You’ll have to fight the day. You remember tonight’s Lobster Bake and decide to let that fleeting moment of promise hold you back from the bottom of the Atlantic.

Lobster after lobster you dump them into the tank, admiring their smooth shell and fight for life. Not for long though.

The morning drags on. Sunrise comes and goes — a timestamp on the slow march to the great equalizer. Golden hour is but a wistful memory of what was and what remains. After pulling up around 100 pounds of lobster, you head back to the shore.

Step 4: Dig In :p

            Later that evening, you sit down to dinner alone with your thoughts, as usual, in your dimly lit cabin. Crushed beer cans are scattered about the hardwood. You tie a stained white napkin around your neck and set a bowl for your old dog Scout so that he can lick the fatty carcass remains. A new beer to you right, a shining silver bowl in front of you, and two meaty hands ready to snap the lobster rest on the old wooden table. In a few swift cracks, the green excrement drips into the bowl, the juice spills out, and the meat slides on your plate.

Step 5: The Afterglow

You eat and think about your future. You take dozens of selfies for Instagram. You look cute, but a snacc? You’ve never been a snacc. You brainstorm captions. You settle on the lobster emoji, and you think that’s fine. You post and throw your phone across the room; you’re not going to check the likes until tomorrow. You dream of the day you’ll be allowed back on campus as Scout laps up the last of the last of the crustacean dripping off your fingers. 

This is quarantine. This is your life now. You set your alarm for next morning.

BPD Shuts Down College House Zoom Party

By JACQUELINE BOBEN Apr. 4, 2020

On Sunday, March 30th (or was it Saturday? I have lost track of the days and my pants) many College Houses decided to hold their weekly house “meetings”. They had been advertising their gatherings as “open events” to all students, telling them, “No I.D., No Meeting ID”. This did nothing to impede the Brunswick Police Department’s apparently continued commitment to ensure that students respect the law.

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Rose Enforces 5 PM Deadline: Patrols Campus on Horseback, Shoots Remaining Students on Sight

By JACOB BASKES and SAM HALPERT Mar. 18, 2020

Since last Wednesday’s announcement that the College would be closing its campus and transitioning to a virtual learning model among fears of COVID-19 transmission, students have been receiving daily reminders to pack their rooms and depart as soon as possible. “Students who are on campus without permission after 5:00 pm will be subject to disciplinary action,” wrote Dean of Student Affairs Janet Lohmann in her final campus-wide email on Wednesday morning. “Also, I have seen your memes and find them kind of mean but also flattering, therefore I will be permanently adopting the nickname, ‘JLo.’”

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Vans Headed to Polls Create Major Pileup on Maine Street

by JACOB BASKES Mar. 3, 2020

Today is Super Tuesday—the one day during election season in which 14 states head to the polls. In order to encourage campus participation in the Democratic primaries, vans have been leaving campus every thirty seconds to take students to their local polling place. The high number of vans, however, along with the fact that a majority of drivers are from California, have led to a seventeen-van pileup in downtown Brunswick.

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Trump Acquitted of Obstruction of Congress, Bowel Obstruction Unresolved

by Theo Danzig Feb. 6, 2020

Republicans celebrated Wednesday evening as President Trump was acquitted of both impeachment charges. However, while Trump was absolved of obstruction of Congress, senior White House staffers informed the Harpoon that Trump’s bowel obstruction remains very much unresolved.

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New NatGeo Study: Mules May be Sterile but Polar Bears Can’t Stop Masturbating

by LIA KORNMEHL

In their January 2020 newsletter, National Geographic’s bi-annual Animal Sexual Activity (ASA) Report detailed that while mules are still sterile, new evidence shows that polar bears masturbate an average of 18 hours a day. The data was recorded from a study of 37 polar bears, or virtually the planet’s entire remaining polar bear population.

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