by NICHOLAS CATTANEO Nov. 14, 2019
Last Friday, the CDC broke the news of an outbreak of a new antibiotic resistant “super flu” originating from our very own campus. Their report chronicled that the mutation was only possible as a result of the coupling of Bowdoin’s incredibly close-knit community with Bowdoin students’ stubborn refusal to take even a single sick day.
Continue reading “REPORT: CDC Blames Bowdoin for Outbreak of Super-Flu”
by JACOB BASKES Nov. 13, 2019
In an email sent on Tuesday evening, Head of Bowdoin Safety
and Security Randy Nichols warned that roads around campus had become dangerous
as a result of the previous day’s freezing rain. Seventeen minutes later,
Nichols sent out a follow-up email announcing that he had run over a sophomore
boy crossing the street outside of MacMillan house.
Continue reading “Black Ice: Randy Nichols Mows Down Sophomore Crossing Maine Street”
by HOLLY LYNE Nov. 12, 2019
Breaking news: Last Saturday night, Stephen Seltzer ’23 shockingly obeyed the law while drinking a claw.
Continue reading “Nerd Obeys Laws While Drinking Claws”
by JACK SHANE Nov. 6, 2019
Since pledging to give a whole 72 cents more to housekeepers over 32 years, Bowdoin has desperately been trying to find ways to raise the money to pay for this exceptional wage increase. According to a recent press release from the Bowdoin Organic Garden, Bowdoin may have found the saving grace in the form of cancer-causing, environment hating Monsanto, who just bought the Bowdoin Organic Garden with $4 found on the floor.
Continue reading “Monsanto Buys Bowdoin Organic Garden”
by THEO DANZIG Nov. 5, 2019
Sophomore Zachary Leibowitz thought he had found the perfect Halloween costume. He had been planning for the annual festival of witchery for weeks and believed he had struck the perfect balance between humor and cultural sensitivity. By dressing up as Prozac, Zachary believed he would lift the spirits of everyone he saw.
Continue reading “Student Dresses As Prozac For Halloween Party, Takes Away Everyone’s Sex Drive”
by HOLLY LYNE Nov. 4, 2019
In a statement released during their November 1 press conference, Bowdoin Dining announced: “In observance of the celebration of No Nut November, we will remove almond milk and all other nut milks from Moulton and Thorne. We will not serve nut milks to students until December.”
Continue reading “No Nut Milk November: Almond Milk Banned From Campus Dining Halls”
by BLAINE STEVENS Oct. 30, 2019
This morning, senior Mark P. Ullout was on the receiving end of a miracle in the middle of Thorne Dining Hall—in a turn of events that Ullout called “a gift from Yahweh Himself,” the athlete was able to successfully avoid interacting with the female student he was inside of this past Saturday evening. Thankful to have evaded the consequences of his questionable drunken decisions, Ullout described a scene that he claimed was nearly “a complete and utter fucking nightmare.” The self-described “athletic star,” who received an astounding 17 minutes and 32 seconds of playing time this past season, shocked Harpoon reporters with his descriptions of his traumatizing close call.
Continue reading “Close Call! Jock Narrowly Avoids Eye Contact with Girl He Was Inside of Last Weekend”
by HOLLY LYNE Oct. 29, 2019
Stars: they’re just like us, except when they aren’t. And when it comes to skincare, they’re nothing like us.
Continue reading “Celebrity Skincare Routine is Just Drinking Water and Plastic Surgery”
by DAN RALSTON Oct. 28, 2019
Miles Uplook ‘20 admits that she has never been the ‘cool athlete’ or the ‘crunchy English major’. “I live a quiet life, and honestly until yesterday, nothing remarkable had ever happened to me,” said Uplook. But, on October 27th, Uplook became the first student in recent Bowdoin history to go a day without any Wifi troubles.
Continue reading “Bowdoin Student Goes Entire Day Without Wifi Trouble”
By WILL HAUSMANN Oct. 22, 2019
After Trump’s withdrawal of troops from Northern Syria was decried by high level diplomats, Trump’s own mother, and even Kermit the Frog, the President announced that the troops would be relocated to military bases across the state of Wisconsin. This questionable military policy is allegedly to protect and support our “allies and dear friends, the Cheese Curds.”
Continue reading “Trump Moves Troops to Wisconsin to Protect Cheese Curds”