Category: All

Oriental Express: Baseball Follows in the Footsteps of Football

April 8, 2019

By Calderon McHuman and the Pied Piper (with Editorial Assistance from the Bowdoin Harpoon)

Here’s your rundown of marginally notable news that you “ABSOLUTELY NEED” to know this week:

1. “WHERE DOES THE MONEY COME FROM?” ASKS THE ORIENT AND YOUR REPUBLICAN FATHER

With an operating budget of $168.4 million this year, Bowdoin spends more than the net worth of all most Bowdoin Student’s parents. Additionally, the college has an endowment of $1.63 billion, but fiscal hardliners and picky donors at the college are unwilling to spend it all and build a water park in the middle of the quad. A shame.

See where all the money comes from here.

2. STUDENTS SURPRISED TO REALIZE UNDERAGE DRINKING IS ILLEGAL

BPD put their Award for “Enforcing Underage Drinking Laws” (or more commonly know as EULD) to good use last weekend, giving out 13 summonses. Many of these occurred at Helm (yet another reason to stay away from the social house). The BPD officers were easily able to see through the convoluted, nebulous, and liability-waiving system of E-hosts and A-hosts and cite 5 students. In light of recent events, all further college house parties might now be hosted by Randy Nichols and his rag-tag security militia.

Learn how you can win a EUDL award here.

3. BIG BROTHER

Much to George Orwell’s dismay, Bowdoin has refrained from mining and selling our data to fund the endowment (or so they say). Unlike students in research psychology classes, it seems as though the College values your privacy.

Find out more about all your data the College could be stealing here.

4. ALL YOUR ONE SOBER FRIEND WILL NEED TO KNOW ABOUT THE IVIES PERFORMERS

For the few of us who will have full sensory capabilities during Ivies weekend, here are the crucial things to know about the world’s next musical icons. Lion Babe is actually not a lion, but rather a middling R&B group with the potential to rock the biggest stages in the country such as the David Saul Smith Student Union. Jamila Woods, a.k.a. that artist on some Chance the Rapper song, will attempt to satiate the underwhelming enthusiasm for her headliner. Lastly, we have the honor of Mick Jenkins, who in the words of the Orient music columnist: “I can honestly say I had never in my life felt any urge to listen to Jenkins.” Mick is ready to kill it at Ivies.

3 reasons why Ivies will be more mediocre than usual here.

5. BASEBALL FOLLOWS IN THE FOOTSTEPS OF FOOTBALL

Despite an 0-14-1 start to the season, the baseball team maintains an “unparalleled winning spirit.” Players on the bench have also shown impressive skills organizing energetic cheers, and the team is hopeful that this power them to victory later in the season.

Learn about your all-conference cheer team here.

Love the Oriental Express? Share it with all your dad’s frat brothers!

Compiled by Will Hausmann

C-Store Becomes CBD Store

by HOLLY LYNE April 4, 2019

The dankest new wellness trend is blazing into Bowdoin: CBD. “The College is thrilled to announce that the beloved C-Store will be renovated and renamed the CBD-Store,” announced Director of Counseling and Wellness, Dr. Bernie R. Hershberger. “We have just begun remodeling the space and ordering a new inventory. The ribbon cutting ceremony for the brand new CBD-Store will take place on April 20 at 4:20 PM.”

Continue reading “C-Store Becomes CBD Store”

Oriental Express: E-Board Announces Ivies Acts: All Three Fans Rejoice

APRIL 2, 2019

By Calderon McHuman and the Pied Piper (with Editorial Assistance from the Bowdoin Harpoon)

Here’s your rundown of marginally notable news that you “ABSOLUTELY NEED” to know this week:

1. EXCLUSIVELY INCLUSIVE

The acceptance rate for the Class of 2023 “plunged” below 9 percent, much to the relief of anxious students and helicopter parents across Westchester and Fairfax counties. With a single digit acceptance rate, Bowdoin becomes an infinitely better institution despite literally nothing substantively changing about the school. Senior Vice President for Diversity and Inclusion Michael Reed was not available for comment on the newly released acceptance numbers.

Learn more about “the polar plunge” here.

2. LIFE UNDER THE CANDLE BAN

After a 2nd candle-related fire in five weeks, the college has announced a total and complete ban on candles. Members of the Bowdoin community wonder whether the next step is to also ban all notebooks and/or copies of the Orient from dorms due to their equally flammable properties. With the ban taking effect, there are also concerns how students will spark their intellectual curiosity without the assistance of a candle.

Learn what else Bowdoin wants to take from you here.

3. E-BOARD ANNOUNCES IVIES ACTS: ALL THREE FANS REJOICE

Earlier this week, the E-Board announced a star studded lineup to compete with the likes of Coachella and Gov Ball. Students everywhere were shocked by how the E-Board managed to get such an electric lineup with only $123,000. During Thursday’s concert, the Bowdoin Film Society will be screening the Lion King, hoping to rival the crowds for Lion Babe.

Find out more about Ivies here.

4. CURLING LIVES UP TO THE HYPE

After an 8th place finish at Nationals, Bowdoin Curling may have cemented itself as the best sports team by wins per dollar spent. Their success was in large part due to pre-match stretching to ensure optimal sweeping form.

Learn what it takes to curl here.

5. (some of the) ENROLLED STUDENTS SURVEY

Earlier this March, Bowdoin administered the Enrolled Student Survey with about 50% percent of students not participating, despite repeated pestering from Dean Tim Foster’s e-mail robot. Nonetheless, students that filled out the survey were able to feel the silent judgment of a Qualtrics server as they answered questions on their drinking and sleeping habits. Upon analysis of the survey, the report will be given to the 2019 Class Council. Questions are already being raised about whether Council President Henry Bredar will choose to keep this information from the public.

Find out if President Bredar will release the report here.

Love the Oriental Express? Share it with all your dad’s frat brothers!

Compiled by Will Hausmann

Mass Hall a “Total Masshole” According to Other Academic Buildings

by FREDERICKA HIBBS Mar. 28, 2019

“Honestly, fuck that guy,” was Kanbar’s immediate response when asked to comment on Massachusetts Hall’s recent antics. And he’s not the only one—this sentiment seems to be a resounding consensus throughout all the campus constructions.

Continue reading “Mass Hall a “Total Masshole” According to Other Academic Buildings”

Refugees from Slightly Less War-Torn Country Begin Gentrifying Refugee Camp

by ARCHER THOMAS Mar. 27, 2019

According to most long-time inhabitants of Kis Omak, a refugee camp in Lebanon, it all started with the opening of a trendy, hipster latrine called “Shitspot.” Within a week, hundreds of marginally-less traumatized refugees from Iraq began flooding the mostly Syrian camp, driving up rents and diminishing the quirky charm the camp had developed.

Continue reading “Refugees from Slightly Less War-Torn Country Begin Gentrifying Refugee Camp”

Chemistry Department Caught Running Meth Lab

by THEO DANZIG Mar. 26, 2019

The Brunswick Police last week uncovered a massive enterprise run by the Bowdoin Chemistry Department to manufacture crystal methamphetamine. The Department had hired engineers to drill under the basement of Druckenmiller Hall and built a state of the art facility using equipment from their own laboratories.

Continue reading “Chemistry Department Caught Running Meth Lab”

“No, I Don’t Want to Hear About Your Spring Break or the Mueller Report”

by JACK ARNHOLZ Mar. 25, 2019

Hey, I’m sure you had a wild spring break hiking the Everglades, getting an individually tailored McGruff the Crime Dog costume, or finally obtaining the currently sealed Special Counsel Report on the Investigation into Russian Interference in the 2016 Presidential Election. But, guess what? I really don’t want to hear it.

Continue reading ““No, I Don’t Want to Hear About Your Spring Break or the Mueller Report””

Right-Leaning Professor Falls Over While Giving Lecture

by ELIZA JEVON Mar. 5, 2019

Students have questioned Professor Edward Wright’s political views for quite some time now. While he claims that he “doesn’t want to share his political views” out of fear that he will “influence” his reportedly “center-Marxist” students, his students suspects otherwise.

At first, students thought Professor Wright’s strange bodily tendency to lean rightwards was some sort of hip impediment. Though it seemed a bit odd, they nonetheless wanted to respect all different types of stances, even if they did not believe in climate change. The students did not want to be rude and point out his right-leaning position, but they were growing a bit concerned.


Professor Wright’s government class has observed and recorded his behavior in a carefully dated catalogue. On January 22, he wore a quarter-zip with an elephant insignia on his left breast. “I’m a Tufts alumnus!” he said a little too emphatically. For two weeks in a row, beginning on January 24, he only used red pen to correct papers, and only gave “A”s to those who earned a 90 or above. On February 2, he stated that he hated giving class handouts. From February 1 to February 8, he even used a mug that said “no taxation without representation.” He claims he also “teaches a class on the American Revolution.”

Then, finally, on February 11, something pushed him over the edge. In almost slow-motion, Professor Wright’s body leaned farther and farther to the right until he just fell right over. Eyewitnesses reported gasps and screams, and described the class rushing over to help him up and ask if he was alright.

“What happened?!” they all cried.

“It’s…it’s…it’s because… I lean right!” Mr. Wright confessed. The students, gleefully cheering and rallying, joined hands–they had successfully outed one of the bourgeois! Down with the patriarchy! The students marched around the campus chanting, “Free the proletariat,” until they all rushed off to their next class with Professor Goldstein.

Doctors anticipate Mr. Wright will soon be released from Midcoast Hospital. He now goes to physical therapy twice a week to correct his body position and attends daily counseling sessions with Bowdoin Republicans. His government class thinks of him often and has been sending him many care packages. They even sent him a donkey to ride to and from class.

To learn how you can best support Professor Wright during this difficult time, please contact the GOP or the welfare division of the Portland municipal government.