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As Winter Approaches, Office of Diversity and Inclusion Encourages White Students to Spray Tan 

By Leena Kaur

In a groundbreaking new initiative, the Office of Diversity and Inclusion is asking white students to commit to spray tanning themselves as colder weather approaches. 

“We really appreciate the allyship white students are displaying by tanning as much as possible over the summer. It‘s great that many come to campus almost indistinguishable from actual people of color,” said the office director. 

Unfortunately, there are concerns that with the colder weather winter brings, Bowdoin will lose its newfound diversity. The spray tanning initiative aims to combat this. 

However, some students do not agree with this new diversity and inclusion measure. Holly Brown, ‘25, had a recent experience that completely changed her mind about tanning. 

“I was sunbathing at the beach when some pasty old man walks by and mutters “go back to your country.” I was shocked,” said Holly, who identifies as Caucasian. “I like having white privilege. I don’t actually want to be a minority. I just want to look like one.” 

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Men’s Lacrosse Generously Offers to Host Free-the-Nipple Campaign Event at Off-Campus Residence

by STAFF WRITER | April 9th, 2022

In an incredibly selfless and charitable move, Bowdoin’s Men’s lacrosse team has offered to host an event for the Free-the-Nipple campaign at their off-campus residence. One team representative stated, “As a team we thought about what issues were important to us. We heavily considered the American Red Cross and St. Jude’s Children’s Hospital. At the end of the day, the Free-the-Nipple campaign is something that is near and dear to our hearts.” The goal of the event is to raise awareness for the campaign by inviting Free-the-Nipple activists from around the Brunswick area to celebrate their liberation. 

A recent poll of the Bowdoin community shows that the Free-the-Nipple campaign has unprecedented support from one half of the student body. The poll found that nearly 98% of Bowdoin men were in favor of women freeing the nipple. This support crossed political lines, with both radical feminists and toxically masculine conservative men supporting the movement. “In such divided times, it is great to see an issue like freeing the nipple bringing people together,” another team representative stated. The event is running into some logistical issues, however, as the unwavering support from Bowdoin men has caused a gender imbalance in the RSVP list. 

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I Think I Have To Drop My Cinema Studies Class On Recreating The Zapruder Film

by BLAINE STEVENS | February 21st, 2022

When my brother was in high school, he and his friends did salvia in his prep school dorm room. While tripping, he opened his closet door and found that his clothes had been replaced with a loop of Abraham Zapruder’s footage of JFK getting shot in the head in Dallas. Needless to say, you can imagine my delight when I took a look at the Spring 2022 course offerings and saw a course entitled “Recreating the Zapruder Film.” I was psyched. The description on Polaris was weirdly sparse, but given my brother’s experience, I was betting money that there must be some genetic link to the sole known footage of our 35th President being assassinated that would make this class an Easy A for me. 

However, I’ve been in class for a good few weeks now and I don’t think my expectations for this course are lining up with what is actually expected from the Prof. I mean, either way, I knew the class was going to be pretty quirky, but I wasn’t expecting the syllabus to be written in Zodiac ciphers and I’m worried about falling behind on my assignments because I frankly have no clue what circle-dot, upside-down-V, pentagram means. I know I’m probably asking for too much and it’s probably my fault for making assumptions about what Prof. T. Cruz-Father would ask of us in the first place. I just thought that we were going to be studying the impacts of the film, yanno? Maybe we would delve into some conspiracy theory studies and how the footage contributed to that sort of stuff. 

But Prof. Cruz-Father deffo has some very literal expectations for this class though because over March break, the entire class is flying down to Dallas to remake the Zapruder film. It’ll be great to see the city and relive history in the spot where JFK was killed but considering only 14 of the 16 of us will be returning from Dallas alive, I’m thinking the cons of taking the class are outweighing the pros as of now. 

Again, “Recreating the Zapruder Film” really does match with my schedule well and I’ve been really interested in taking a Cinema Studies class before grad, but I’m not sure that I am comfortable with us having a lottery to determine which of the 16 of us will portray Lee Harvey Oswald. And I’m even less comfortable with the lottery winner (loser?) getting to pick which of us they want to be JFK. However, I guess it’ll cancel out because the guy portraying JFK gets to pick who portrays Jack Ruby. There’s some sort of full circle argument somewhere in there. 

Considering she’s insistent on maintaining cinematic accuracy, she’s keeping the gender roles consistent with the actual Zapruder film which doesn’t seem like the wokest decision of all time. I’m not obsessed with maintaining the gender binary but I would say that the girls in class are overall relieved because none of us will die. It does suck that she’s making all of the girls in the class smoke two packs of Newports a day to master Jackie Kennedy’s smoker voice though, and while I can’t speak for the other women in my class, I personally am not crazy excited about the prospect of having one of my classmates’ brain matter splattered on a Chanel suit I would be wearing. Again, I really can’t speak to everyone else’s lived experience. I don’t want to speak for anyone else but I’m just not hyped about that idea. However, she’s casting the girl to play Jackie based on who has the weirdest eyes that are set the farthest apart and I like to think that my eyes are actually way too close together, so I think I should be safe.

And again, Prof. Cruz-Father has amazing reviews, but I also don’t think it’s entirely appropriate that she is making us each Venmo her $300 so that we can rent a 1961 Lincoln Continental convertible for us to kill one of our peers in. After taking the airfare costs to get us all down to Dallas into consideration, it’s just not the most considerate option, especially because she told us that we won’t be sleeping in a hotel or anything like that in order to decrease “evidence” of us being in the city. Again, just my opinion, but sleeping under a freeway ramp in Dallas for two weeks is not necessarily how I want to spend my March break.

Anyways, I’m going back and forth on the whole thing. Like on one hand, super cool idea, interesting professor, and the ability to get really close with a bunch of my classmates through trauma bonding. Plus, one of the guys in my class is super hot and I could totally slide in if I start talking to him at the three weekly “rehearsals” we have at the local gun range, but also, there is a significant chance that I could see him get murdered in cold blood while roleplaying the President. I don’t know, I’m gonna talk to the registrar and figure it out.

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Ten Ways to Avoid Hookup Culture

by JACOB TRACHTENBERG, November 2021

You can’t fucking stand hookup culture. The walk of shame, the day-after awkwardness, the ruined friendships. Bragging about the night before, about treating classmates like objects. The copious amounts of alcohol and questionable methods of consent. Hookups leave you feeling hopeless and empty. You just can’t stomach the meaninglessness of it all. Well, have I got a solution for you! Just don’t do it. But that can be harder than it sounds. To get you started, I’ve crafted a list of the top ten ways to avoid hooking up at Bowdoin:

  1. Get yourself canceled.
    You don’t have to be openly racist, sexist, or homophobic! Instead, here are other red flags sure to make you celibate:
    “I’m a moderate Democrat!”
    “The Astros won the World Series legitimately, but Tom Brady cheated!”
    “J-Lo = my favorite dean”
    “Gelato Fiasco’s just an 8/10” (You’ll probably be fine here, but I’ll cancel you.)
    “I lowkey like the cum jokes on YikYak”
  2. Try The YikYak Strategy.
    Everyone would know if it worked. Everyone does know that it won’t.
  3. Ask them out.
    Go back to my dorm? Lol, nah. You and me, Little Tokyo, tomorrow at 7 PM. Wear some nice clothes. That’s a date. We’ll be dating now. Boyfriend, Girlfriend. Still interested?
  4. Wear a MAGA hat.
    No one will ever want anything to do with you. You can wear a Bernie shirt too if it makes you feel better.
  5. Transfer to Bates.
    They don’t have “hookups” there. They just talk about trees and stuff.
  6. Attend parties virtually.
    After 10-30 minutes of making out with your computer screen, you’ll realize it’s not the same.
  7. Join the Orient.
    If this doesn’t work on its own, steal some Orient merchandise so everyone knows.
  8. Quit your sports team.
    If this doesn’t apply to you, you’re well on your way to success! Don’t bother if you play squash.
  9. Start a lasting relationship.
    I don’t know how to do this but I bet it works.
  10. Unanimously win a Peucinian Disputation.
    Wait, nevermind. You’d totally hook up after that.
All, Bowdoin

In the Wake of FreeCycle, Students Left Shocked and Disappointed by the Quality of Their Peers’ Garbage 

BY: Emma Kilbride September 25th, 2021

Last week, Bowdoin students gathered at the Office of Sustainability to participate in this year’s FreeCycle, a yearly event flocked to by students seeking to absolve themselves of environmental guilt and to hoard their peers’ garbage. Many students, however, found themselves unimpressed with the offerings at 10 Cleveland Street, which apparently ranged from mildly underwhelming to downright hazardous.

One student reports having been delighted to pick up a seemingly brand-new microwave before transporting it home, opening it, and being greeted by an unwelcome surprise: the fermenting remains of what appeared to be a grab-and-go Lumbo Basswich Wrapini. According to the student, who wishes to remain anonymous, “shit was low key rancid as fuck.”

This rotten bass mishap seems relatively tame compared to the FreeCycle misfortunes of some other students, one of which resulted in a medical emergency. On Tuesday night, sophomore Kyle Higgenbottom was rushed to Maine Medical Center after being anally impaled by the leg of a defective lawn chair he had acquired at the Office of Sustainability just days prior.

Brandon Allen ‘23, a FreeCycler who had hoped to outfit the kitchen in his new apartment, found that his experience was marred by the unlikely presence of a recently cancelled celebrity. “I found this Chrissy Teigen for Target meat cleaver, but then I read on Buzzfeed News that she told someone to take a dirt nap, which is like, super messed up,” Allen recalls. “I’ll probably just use it as a poop knife or something.”

Other reported FreeCycle disappointments include a collection of (used) Sonicare toothbrush heads, a single Wii nunchuk, and an iCarly beach towel with “some sort of funky crust on it”. The Office of Sustainability declined our request for comment.

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Harpoon Pro-Tips: For Social Success and Campus-Wide Glory

By THE BOWDOIN HARPOON EXECUTIVE TEAM (MOSTLY BLAINE STEVENS)

Are you new here? Yes, we are talking to you too, Class of 2024. Find social and academic success and avoid being shoved into the dumpsters behind Chambo by the old-timers (who know the REAL Bowdoin) with these fast tips!

  1. Dodge Delta and make the most of this year. But also if you don’t,you get your own hotel room in Freeport with a queen bed, so keep your options open, to be honest.
  2. If you order a “latté with no milk” at the cafe, you’re in for a treat and I’m not talking about coffee. That request is actually a secret code for “I’m here to fuck” and you can expect to be railed by the barista in the gender neutral bathroom on the second floor of Smith shortly.
  3. If you order a “macchiato with no milk” at the cafe, watch out! That spicy little order gives the barista legal permission to kill you and you will be summarily executed immediately.
  4. Use a vacuum to create space for restoration, renewal and rebuilding. A mop might clean up that mixie you spilled on the floor last night but it won’t help with the path to reviving student culture, reframing your mindset, or alliteration.
  5. Be careful in picking who you hook up with! If you get with an uggo, you’re gonna be really embarrassed when the town crier reads your names together from his official hook up scroll to everyone in Thorne the next morning.
  6. Randy who? We have a new favorite middle-aged campus icon these days! On this campus, we are ALL friends with that one guy who stands around Brunswick with poster boards saying that all women are whores who deserve to go to Hell. He is fun and cool and we approach him to tell him that we love his work every time we see him.
  7. On nights when you have a ton of work, tell everyone within earshot that you are just SO swamped and tell them repeatedly. It’s not annoying at all and everyone will think you’re really brave for being the first student to ever have homework.
  8. Hey, Baxter! What the fuck is that smell? Is that… air freshener? Seriously, what the hell are you guys doing? You literally had one job! Now, I want that basement to smell like the liver of a 55 year old former coke-addict alcoholic rockstar. Chop chop!
  9. If you order the banana bread at the cafe and then grab it and run, let me know how it goes. I ‘ve always thought about doing that but I wanted to see what would happen first.
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50ish Essential Things to Do Before You Graduate

By THE BOWDOIN HARPOON EXECUTIVE TEAM

  1. Single-handedly heal the athlete/non-athlete divide.
  2. Join the underground fraternity.
  3. Build a stable relationship with your parents.
  4. Become a Sociology major.
  5. Disappoint your parents. 
  6. Get circumcised.
  7. Further disappoint your parents. 
  8. Lose yourself in the music, the moment.
  9. Pee in the mouth of every college house member.
  10. Join a club! Make it your entire personality. Become super fucking annoying about it. Call yourself Kierkegaard. 
  11. Watch a townie watch a movie from outside their window. If so moved, break in and sit down next to them. 
  12. Say your prayers!
  13. Heckle Bowdoin Hockey in the Moulton dark room.
  14. Commit voter fraud in the BSG elections. 
  15. Advocate for stricter voter ID laws in BSG elections.
  16. Have an extremely public and visceral religious awakening in the middle of the Chapel.
  17. See Football win. (Still waiting)
  18. Start your own Asian restaurant on Maine Street. 
  19. Complete the Senior Seven: hook up with seven seniors from the Thornton Oaks retirement community. 
  20. Complete the Bowdoin four: make-out with the four unvaccinated employees on campus. 
  21. Get uncircumcised.
  22. Regain your parents’ love. 
  23. Awkwardly touch feet with your professor under the bathroom stall.
  24. Pee on the Orient House.
  25. Start a small fire with potential next to the Orient House.
  26. Enjoy an a cappella concert.
  27. Realize 20 minutes later that you actually didn’t enjoy the a capella concert.
  28. Remind a 2024 and a 2025 that the College was better before they got here. Tell them that it’s their fault.
  29. Attend the Brunswick High Spring Gala.
  30. Get a stick and poke tattoo of a reallllllly cute flower 🙂
  31. Get your booster with the same needle. 
  32. Try to spend your Polar Points at the Bangor Cracker Barrel.
  33. Run to Simpson’s Point. Get tired. Call your friend to pick you up from Simpson’s Point. 
  34. Convince everyone that Mikey drowning on that two-man BOC canoeing trip was a freak accident. Bring that secret with you to the grave.
  35. Pull an all-nighter watching your roommates sleep.
  36. Fight the good fight: Fight against Big Poultry.
  37.  Sell out and get an internship with Big Poultry.
  38. Get dinner with your professor, then breakfast the next day.
  39. Take a nude with Randy at Ivies.
  40. Join Frisbee for two days.
  41. Join the Orient haha.
  42. Miss class. Have your mom write to your professor. 
  43. Get in a fight in the comments of a Bowdoin instagram post. 
  44. Get canceled on Twitter. 
  45. Get stung by a wasp in line at the Lobster Bake. 😦
  46. Swim in the biowaste at Bath Iron Works. 
  47. Figure out who Mike Ranen is. 
  48. Play spikeball on the quad. 
  49. Hate yourself for playing spikeball on the quad. 
  50. Go on a journey with a farm elf in the Bowdoin Commons. Discover the nuclear waste swamp. Drain it. Have the elf reveal his childhood secrets. Diddle the elf. 
  51. Go to the Health Center for a concussion, get told you might be pregnant.
  52. Join the Harpoon.
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College Changes Mascot to “Bi-Polar Bears” for Mental Health Awareness Month

BY: PATRICK LYNOTT Oct. 27, 2020

In a characteristically suave announcement on Friday, Clayton Rose, President of Bowdoin College and an intensely passionate botanist, declared that for the duration of National Mental Health Week, the college would be amending its mascot to the “Bi-Polar Bears.” The decision comes as a response to renewed calls to update the oft bemoaned Counseling Services at the school. “I have decided to take substantial action in honor of Mental Health Awareness Month,” said Rose in the Friday statement, evidently filmed in front of the fireplace at Xanadu. “And effective immediately, I will be changing our mascot to the Bi-Polar Bears. Get it? Because Polar B- and – er. You had to be there, I guess. But I will also be cutting the Counseling budget by another 15%, so there’s that.”

The announcement was met with mostly humdrum murmurings and banal platitudes among the student body. As Arjun Mehta (‘21), a senior majoring in Sourdough Bread and Superfluous Geography, put it: “I would expect such a savvy PR move from the likes of Bates College located in Lewiston and Waterville’s own Colby College, but not from Bowdoin, which can be found in Brunswick, Maine.” 

This does not mark Bowdoin’s first mascot change. The school’s original mascot was the “Whispering Pines,” which was changed to the now defunct “Polar Bears” in 1913. And in 1994, swept up in “Mel-mania,” the college changed the mascot to the “Mavericks” in honor of the Mel Gibson film of the same name. The college of course reverted back to the “Polar Bears” upon revelations of Gibson’s views about semetic people. The Bowdoin administration swore off another impulsive mascot change, until the present one by Rose. “I just couldn’t help myself,” Rose told Harpoon reporters. “The pun was begging to be used. Plus, I needed pretense to announce those budget cuts to the Counseling Services. I think I got out in front of the narrative.” 

The new moniker will be a muzzled and straightjacketed version of the current Polar Bear with a little dialogue bubble that reads “Please help mnfomonfouBDN=jbifdonsqowphcibz.”

All, Bowdoin

Alcohol-Related Transports at Record Low; Peer Health Cites New Online Newsletter As Primary Cause

BY: WILL HAUSMANN Oct. 27, 2020

After six full weekends on campus, there has been a shockingly small number of transports to Mid Coast Hospital due to the over-imbibing of alcohol. Only four students have found themselves taking an unplanned ambulance ride, according to data the Harpoon obtained from the Office of Safety and Security. This represents a 71% decline in transports, compared to an average of 13.7 transports through six weekends in previous years.

Members of Peer Health are suggesting the decline can be attributed to their decision to introduce a virtual newsletter each week, starting in late March of last academic year. “We decided that Peer Health needed a messaging change, so we chose an email newsletter instead of posters because it’s a digital age and stuff,” Darren Shepherd ‘21 told the Harpoon. “After realizing the screenagers of today spend all of their time on the toilet staring at their phones instead of the Stall Street Journal, we realized we needed to go virtual to be successful.”

Susan Seuss ‘21 , a Biology major, aspiring research MD, and co-leader of Peer Health, said she is investigating this effect for her honors project this year. “I conducted a double-blind, peer-reviewed experiment comparing the transport rates of students who identify as ‘Active’ vs ‘Inactive’ readers of Peer Health content,” Seuss said. She went on to say that her data “absolutely guarantees” that the newsletter is preventing transports.

When asked whether COVID and social distancing guidelines could be attributed to the lower number of transports, Seuss and Shepherd said there was “weak causality at best.”

Still, not all students are ready to accept Peer Health’s explanation. According to Orson Digby Palmer V, self-described “beer maven” and third generation member of the lacrosse team, the sole reason for the decline is “this year’s crop of first years are simply not as cool as that of previous years,” and they lack the “100 kegs or bust” mentality exemplified by our newest Supreme Court justice,

All, Op-Ed

OPINION: How I Seized the Chambo Lobby’s Condoms To Display My Supreme Coolness

BY: JACOB TRACHTENBERG Oct. 27, 2020

I am a really cool guy. If you ken me (that’s a traditional Scottish word for “know”), you are certainly aware that I am an attractive, strong, significant, intelligent human being who can ingest exactly twenty-one alcoholic beverages in one nighttime session. (And afterward, I can still recite every Hamlet soliloquy from memory.) But I have encountered a simple yet deceivingly complex conundrum (ah yes, the pleasure of an intentional contradiction)–most of you inferiors are not yet acquainted with me (and you shall regret that).

This year, I have been unable to converse with all my buddies from ninth, tenth, eleventh, and twelfth grades–my many, many close friends who all do, in fact, exist, such as Jimmy, Johnny, Jerry, Joey, Janie, Jenny, Jackie, and my best friend of all, Rick. I shall provide evidence of their quiddity (oh, what a sumptuous term!). I shall first provide Jenny’s phone number: 867-5309. And now, a video of Rick singing one of his delightful little tunes: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dQw4w9WgXcQ. 

Although relinquishing time with J, J, J, J, J, J, J, and R was arduous, I shall now form new social attachments at Boing Doing. (That was a joke, by the way!) While adhering to social distancing guidelines, I concocted a scheme to demonstrate my utter coolness to my peers, without the help of my dastardly roommates. (My roommates refuse to acknowledge my quiddity [oh, what a voluptuous piece of vocabulary!], perhaps out of envy, but I shall disclose that tale during another 24-hour solar period!)

I shall now discuss my brilliant plot. It revolves around the free condoms in the lobby of Chambo, for one must take advantage of what one is given without cost. I often opine that power rests in the hands of those who hold condoms. I had to ensure all recognized the gargantuan number of condoms I possessed and certainly intended to employ during that night’s witching hour.

Enough chitter-chatter: shall we bask in my swagger? From here, I shall describe my six-point plan in enthralling narrative format. Prepare thyself.

Step 1: I stumbled upon a gathering–a legal one with mask-wearing collegiate citizens. Rule breaking is naughty, but not as naughty as I was about to (pretend to) be! They were socializing in the Chamberlain Hall lobby viewing the television (oh, the immaturity!)–next to the box of complimentary phallic protectors. Perfect!

Step 2: I strode to the condom box, guaranteeing my footsteps were as loud as possible. As I arrived at the box, I confidently yodeled (exact words: “YODELEEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEH!”) to attract the attention of my classmates. They stared at me, in awe of my confidence and might.

Step 3: It was time to pop the question: “Which one of these condoms is largest?” A muscular first-year answered, “they’re all the same, headass!” But this was part of the plot from the outset! You see, now they know about my (ten sentences redacted for ‘flowery’ language).

Step 4: I grabbed each and every condom and stuffed them all in my wintry jacket. Oh, the pleasure of the condom! A round of applause erupted, and the plebeians chanted my name–oh, how fickle the masses are! The approval I desperately craved had been achieved, if only for a temporary amount of time; I was finally hip, as the masses say.

Step 5: I located a second gathering in my floor’s common room and “accidentally” spilled my jacket-full of condoms on the vodka-stained carpet. “Bravo!” exclaimed my proctor. “You are definitely going to have sex tonight, perhaps even seventeen times!” But my proctor counted the condoms incorrectly–there were in fact nineteen condoms on the ground. I was to possess nineteen sexes that night, in fact! Ah, how sophisticated–and sexual–I am!

Step 6: I returned to my room and immediately discarded the condoms, because no true patrician needs those anyway. Alright, I admit I played finger-puppets with them for a while, but quickly after, I buried them in the trash can as I ritualistically chanted Kant’s treatises on the immorality of sex. For no perspicacious human would base one’s sexual philosophy on infantile and lewd pieces of ‘cinema’ such as “The 40-Year-Old Virgin” or “Animal House” rather than Kant. One day, I shall find a partner who despises sex as much as I; on that day, I shall perhaps be open to….

Anyway, the deed is done. My reputation has skyrocketed–every time I encounter someone who attended that gathering, they laugh, as if enthused by my mere quiddity (if you have not looked up that word, you do not deserve life)! Thus begins my social dominion over the college.

Now, all grasp my coolness–except the guys who actually needed condoms that night.