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New Study Finds: Topical Cream Applicable to Everything

By ELIZA JEVON Nov. 28, 2018

Dr. Crema just released her latest topical cream and it is miraculously applicable to everything. She has been working on this invention for quite some time, trying to nail down the formula to get it just right. After countless hours of mixing different creamy elements in her lab (she sometimes got off topic and started mixing shampoos), she finally perfected this new cream.

You can apply this cream to everything – skin, teeth, cake, toast, pimples, unshaven skin, coffee, pudding, and even scones. Rub it on your temples while studying, apply it to that undesirable wart on your friend’s face, or eat it as a midnight snack! There are no limits to this lotion. In addition to physical objects, this cream can be applied to abstract ideas. From Confucianism to neo-liberalism, the possibilities are endless.

When asked to talk a little bit more about how her cream actually works, the ever elusive doctor responded, “Oh you know, it’s somewhere between cream cheese and a L’Oréal anti-aging revitalizer.” In order to keep the cream topical, she re-configures the formula every day to address evolving current events (be sure to stay updated and sign up for a subscription). For example: Forest fires in California – sprinkle some ash into the cream; Serial killer on the loose – toss in a few drops of blood; Congress proposes new law on healthcare – keep the formula exactly the same. There is actually a pending lawsuit from The New York Times against Crema for unnecessarily competing.

Despite begrudged newspapers, many respect Dr. Crema’s new cream as a truly groundbreaking invention. If you’d personally like to see what all the hype is about, swing by your local pharmacy, Walmart, hardware store, jail, strip club, bakery, or taxidermist and pick up a bottle for yourself. From peeling skin to breaking news, this cream truly covers everything.

Neutering Your Dog Assumes A Lot About Its Ability to Get with Other Dogs


By Patrick Lynott Nov. 27, 2018

I know what you’re thinking. “He’s just writing this so he can make some ‘doggystyle’ joke.” Grow up. I’m angry.

Oh? You think your Bernese mountain dog is sexier than my Labradoodle? You think it’s just gonna be pawing around all willy-nilly, impregnating any half-decent terrier that’ll hold still long enough? Do you honestly believe that if you don’t castrate your canine right now that it’s just instantly bound to father a litter of puppies? Is this entire piece going to be a nonstop series of angry, rhetorical questions?

First off, let’s talk about how strange it is that practically every dog running around nowadays is a eunuch. People are taking one good look at their puppy and saying, “This dog is simply too hot to live with a penis.”

The ego you must have to assume that your dog is that hot is beyond me. I have a friend who got her Shih Tzu spayed after a year! A year. What kind of dog has one-year-old game? That is some straight-out-of-the-womb-let-me-sniff-that-ass game; no one has that kind of game. Except for Air Bud. He can get it.

“Well technically, in dog years, they’re seven.” Um. Were you procreating in 3rd grade? No. You were sucking on Gogurt like everyone else, not genitalia. In, fact you’re the only one really teaching your dog how to attract mates. This dog takes its social cues from you. You’re its only role model. And you’re sort of a loser.

Let’s consider this. You’re pretty average when it comes to mating. You can hide behind the dog filter on Snapchat as well as anyone (pun intended, and well-executed), but you’re not exactly getting biblical every weekend. Just this morning, you saw that person you liked in your ES lab at breakfast and you actually dribbled apple juice onto your sweater while trying to muster a “hey.” You are about as smooth as a sandpaper slide, so why do you think your dog is any different?

Do you think when you come home to your beagle that you are just exuding sex appeal? I don’t think your precious little corgi would be dry humping so many human legs if it were satisfied with its sex life. It’s 2018! Open relationships are cool now, so go ahead and let your Golden retrieve some ass.

Let your dog keep its cock and spaniels, and let ‘em hit it. Missionary style. There it is. I said it.


LePage to Replace Ranked-Choice Voting with Marry-Fuck-Kill Voting

By NATHAN ASHANY Nov. 8, 2018

After mass confusion at polling places across Maine regarding the new ranked-choice voting system, sitting Republican Governor Paul LePage has announced his intention to replace the redesign with Marry-Fuck-Kill voting.

“I could not understand that shit for the life of me,” a clammy LePage told reporters. “What was I ranking these people on? Tallness? Smartness? Goodness of doing the governor job? Maine needs something simple and fun, something that will getcha hard as a rock and thirsty for blood.”

Governor-elect Janet Mills, a Democrat, immediately expressed her opposition to the plan. “I thought ranked-choice worked pretty well,” Mills said on Wednesday. “For me at least. This ‘Marry-Screw… whatever’ thing would not have been good for my campaign. Moody and Hayes are no lookers themselves – Moody with his creepy middle school lacrosse coach vibe and Hayes with his ‘I dropped mad acid in the 60s’ kinda look – but at least they have vibes. I’ve never opened my eyes wider than a tight squint and look like your aunt’s friend, so I’d have been nervous.”

While there was some confusion among Maine voters, there was no mass mobilization against the ranked-choice system. Commentators across the country were perplexed by LePage’s announcement, with many questioning the purpose of the ballot overhaul.

LePage responded to criticism bluntly, stating, “Yeah, to be completely honest I’m just trying to fuck Terry Hayes.”