Category: All

“No, I Don’t Want to Hear About Your Spring Break or the Mueller Report”

by JACK ARNHOLZ Mar. 25, 2019

Hey, I’m sure you had a wild spring break hiking the Everglades, getting an individually tailored McGruff the Crime Dog costume, or finally obtaining the currently sealed Special Counsel Report on the Investigation into Russian Interference in the 2016 Presidential Election. But, guess what? I really don’t want to hear it.

Continue reading ““No, I Don’t Want to Hear About Your Spring Break or the Mueller Report””

Right-Leaning Professor Falls Over While Giving Lecture

by ELIZA JEVON Mar. 5, 2019

Students have questioned Professor Edward Wright’s political views for quite some time now. While he claims that he “doesn’t want to share his political views” out of fear that he will “influence” his reportedly “center-Marxist” students, his students suspects otherwise.

At first, students thought Professor Wright’s strange bodily tendency to lean rightwards was some sort of hip impediment. Though it seemed a bit odd, they nonetheless wanted to respect all different types of stances, even if they did not believe in climate change. The students did not want to be rude and point out his right-leaning position, but they were growing a bit concerned.


Professor Wright’s government class has observed and recorded his behavior in a carefully dated catalogue. On January 22, he wore a quarter-zip with an elephant insignia on his left breast. “I’m a Tufts alumnus!” he said a little too emphatically. For two weeks in a row, beginning on January 24, he only used red pen to correct papers, and only gave “A”s to those who earned a 90 or above. On February 2, he stated that he hated giving class handouts. From February 1 to February 8, he even used a mug that said “no taxation without representation.” He claims he also “teaches a class on the American Revolution.”

Then, finally, on February 11, something pushed him over the edge. In almost slow-motion, Professor Wright’s body leaned farther and farther to the right until he just fell right over. Eyewitnesses reported gasps and screams, and described the class rushing over to help him up and ask if he was alright.

“What happened?!” they all cried.

“It’s…it’s…it’s because… I lean right!” Mr. Wright confessed. The students, gleefully cheering and rallying, joined hands–they had successfully outed one of the bourgeois! Down with the patriarchy! The students marched around the campus chanting, “Free the proletariat,” until they all rushed off to their next class with Professor Goldstein.

Doctors anticipate Mr. Wright will soon be released from Midcoast Hospital. He now goes to physical therapy twice a week to correct his body position and attends daily counseling sessions with Bowdoin Republicans. His government class thinks of him often and has been sending him many care packages. They even sent him a donkey to ride to and from class.

To learn how you can best support Professor Wright during this difficult time, please contact the GOP or the welfare division of the Portland municipal government.

ORIENTAL EXPRESS: Crunchy Liberals Pretend It’s Not Winter

MAR. 4, 2019

By Calderon McHuman and the Pied Piper (with Editorial Assistance from the Bowdoin Harpoon)

Here’s your rundown of marginally notable news that you “ABSOLUTELY NEED” to know this week:

1. CRUNCHY LIBERALS PRETEND IT’S NOT WINTER

The recently revamped Bowdoin Climate Action (BCA) is undergoing significant change, but some things will always stay the same: they are still trying to convince politicians that winter doesn’t exist. A week ago protesters organized outside Senator Susan Collins office, oddly enough wearing winter jackets and standing next to snow banks that this mysterious “global warming” should have eliminated the need for. The group protesting also shared personal stories with Senator Collins, but failed to recognize that she doesn’t have feelings.

Learn how you can fight the climate hoax perpetrated by China here.

2. BOWDOIN PUTS ON PLAY: “HOW TRUMP GOT ELECTED”

Sweat, aka How Trump Got Elected, was put on this weekend to explore those mysterious people who don’t live 25 miles from a coast. Hopefully, this play will provide for lots of boring and drawn out opining by all our friendly government majors this week. However, the play may be inaccessible to Bowdoin students because it covers topics such as working in a factory, living in poverty, and just working in general.

If you missed Sweat, at least you can pretend you saw it by reading here.

3. BOWDOIN MUSIC AIMING FOR NESCAC DOMINATION

The music department is seeking to have greater sway in the admissions process, as it looks to have increased programming in the coming years. Bowdoin music has the potential to be renowned by grandmothers across Southern Maine, but it will need some help from admissions officers. However, if spots are being given to athletes, children of wealthy alumni, winners of national competitions, and now talented musicians, one is left to wonder whether there is much room for mediocre and unexciting students such as this column’s author.

Want to get into Bowdoin? Find out if your kazoo skills will help here.

4. BOWDOIN STUDENTS CELEBRATE THEIR ARTSY PHOTO SPOT

After Gulf of Maine Books celebrated its 40th anniversary this past week, the resident artsy trendsters of Bowdoin celebrated their “favorite” spot. Gulf of Maine Books has been a top spot for Bowdoin students whether they want to snap a “whimsical” Insta story or make all their Snapchat buddies think they actually read books. Despite the frequent visits of camera-laden students, the owner’s of the shop reported selling only 3 books, so far, to Bowdoin students this academic year.

Want people to think you’re smart? Get the inside scoop on Gulf of Maine books here.

5. FARLEY FIELD HOUSE OVERCROWDED, BOWDOIN DOME NEXT BUILDING PROJECT?

As spring sports struggle for space and time in Farley, there seem to be two options left to save Bowdoin Athletics. They may schedule practices between 8:30 and 4:30 to allow for more practice time and to give a mildly legitimate reason for athletes to skip class. Athletics is also exploring the option of gutting half the financial aid budget to build a 100,000 sq ft dome in the middle of the quad for all season athletics. In response to the proposal, Bowdoin Football Instagram has begun using #buildthedome on their posts.

Understand the #buildthedome movement here.

POLL QUESTION: Should Bowdoin #buildthedome? Please respond here.

Last Week’s Poll: Would your middle school basketball team beat Tufts?

  • Most definitely: 53%
  • No, my middle school only had a squash, fencing and dressage team: 47%

Love the Oriental Express? Share it with the Oddest Duck you know!

Compiled by Will Hausmann

A More Realistic Cold War Party

By THEO DANZIG Mar. 1, 2019

The annual Mac-Quinby Cold War party is one of Bowdoin’s oldest and most esteemed traditions. Since the Yalta Conference in February of 1945, Bowdoin students have gathered every February to celebrate the long struggle between the world’s two superpowers.

However, we at the Harpoon believe the party can go beyond just dressing up in red tank tops and American flag bandanas. There are several improvements that ought to be made to give the Cold War party a more realistic Cold War flavor.

First, there should be random “Duck and Cover” drills throughout the duration of the party. Nothing says Cold War like instilling fear of imminent nuclear annihilation—who said intercontinental ballistic missiles can’t be fun?

Also, to really experience the Cold War, anyone who complains during the party should be forced to do hard labor out in the snow in a simulated Gulag. And to all the humanitarian naysayers, the Gulags couldn’t have been that bad—after all, the experience was so enjoyable that nobody ever left!

Finally, the alcohol drank should reflect Cold War values. As it represents the USSR, Mac should only serve Stoli, and being the USA, Quinby should only put out that greatest of American beverages: Natural Light. Only then will the spirits of the Cold War truly be imbibed by Bowdoin students.

ORIENTAL EXPRESS: Should Bowdoin Hockey Follow the JV Soccer Model?

FEB 25, 2019

By Calderon McHuman and the Pied Piper (with Editorial Assistance from the Bowdoin Harpoon)

Here’s your rundown of marginally notable news that you “ABSOLUTELY NEED” to know this week:

1. DISASTER STRIKES: BOWDOIN BASKETBALL MISSES OUT ON A BID TO NCAA TOURNAMENT

After a devastating loss to Tufts on Sunday afternoon, Bowdoin women’s basketball possibly won’t advance to the NCAA tournament next week. Tufts, the conference champions, gains an automatic bid to the tournament. Meanwhile, #1 ranked Bowdoin now must anxiously await the decision of the selection committee gods, who are rumored to respond to sacrificial polar bears. Riots and protests are expected to ensue in retirement homes across Cumberland County in response to the loss.

Have a polar bear to sacrifice to the selection committee? Learn how you can help the U-Bears here.

2. CAREER PLANNING REFOCUSES ON PRACTICAL SKILLS, INTERNSHIPS (…. because they weren’t doing that already?)

After coming under fire in recent weeks, Career Planning has devised a radical shift in their goals. They will now focus on helping students prepare to enter the workforce post-graduation. This replaces their previous focus of cultivating the next generation of Wizards and Witches. Counselors will no longer work on teaching spells, correcting broomstick form, and reviewing potions. Todd Hermann and Dighton Spooner will be leaving the CPC during this transition period, and their replacements are expected to shape the new direction of Career Planning.

If you’re not a outgoing senior, learn about the changes to career planning here.

3. SHOULD BOWDOIN HOCKEY FOLLOW THE JV SOCCER MODEL?

After a disappointing season where both the Men’s and Women’s football teams failed to make the NESCAC tournament, one is left to wonder if the teams should follow the model of Bowdoin’s highly successful JV soccer team. After an undefeated season last fall, JV soccer may have been the best Bowdoin sports team this year, playing various club and high school teams. The hockey teams would have plenty of success playing against the local high school team’s that already use Watson Arena for their own practices. Additionally, 25-year-olds on the Bowdoin could test their skills against the high school freshman who bags their handles at Hannaford’s.

Learn about the future of Bowdoin Hockey here.

4. BSG FIGHTS FOR EQUAL ACCESS (to condoms)

The Bowdoin Student Government, the paragon of progress at Bowdoin, took huge steps this week to ensure equal access to resources at Bowdoin, regardless of where you come from or how old you are. Students from all residence halls will now get condoms provided by Res-Life and the BSG. In addition to distributing condoms, RAs will also begin discussing “The Birds and the Bees” with students in upperclass dorms.

Excited to make condom balloons? Learn when they’re coming here.

5. THORNE HALL NOW 2ND FANCIEST PLACE TO EAT IN BRUNSWICK

The recently opened Odd Duck restaurant in downtown Brunswick now offers students a more upscale place to spend their parent’s money. Additionally, all the Moulton Lightroom people will have two options when they want to eat somewhere that doesn’t look like an elementary school cafeteria; the can choose between splurging on Thorne or Odd Duck. However, Odd Duck may be unrivaled because of its “event space.” One can only wonder if Odd Duck can match the “event spaces” of Baxter, Quinby or Reed.

Is your Mom and Dad’s credit card burning a hole in your pocket? Learn about all of their money you can spend at Odd Duck here.

POLL QUESTION: Would your middle school basketball team beat Tufts? Please respond here.

Love the Oriental Express? Share it with the Oddest Duck you know!

Compiled by Will Hausmann

Baseball Player Doesn’t Use Tray at Thorne, Gets Kicked Off Team

by SAGE KASHNER Feb. 20, 2019

On Friday, Security was called to Thorne to deal with an incident involving the Bowdoin’s Men’s Baseball Team. The team had reportedly formed a mob around one of the rookie players, chanting, “Traitor, traitor, traitor!” Fortunately, Security arrived before anybody was hurt, and broke up the mob.

Continue reading “Baseball Player Doesn’t Use Tray at Thorne, Gets Kicked Off Team”

The Jonas Brothers Are the Modern Nostradamus and Here’s Why

by JACK SHANE Feb. 19, 2019

Many know the Jonas Brothers as a popular boy band who peaked from 2006-2013. However, they were much more than an excuse for fangirl triplets to get wet. Their songs actually contained subtle messages that predicted our very future. Indeed, our “great great great granddaughters” will not know the Jo-Bros as a boy band, but as an all-knowing prophet of the future.

Continue reading “The Jonas Brothers Are the Modern Nostradamus and Here’s Why”

ORIENTAL EXPRESS: Health Services in Pocket of Big Pharma

By Calderon McHuman and the Pied Piper (with Editorial Assistance from the Bowdoin Harpoon)

FEB 18, 2019

Here’s your rundown of marginally notable news that you “ABSOLUTELY NEED” to know this week:

1. HEALTH SERVICES IN POCKET OF BIG PHARMA

As flu season reached a fever pitch last week, the Orient gave us a look inside the pro-vaccination special interest group that is the Bowdoin Health Services Center. The Center has distributed 825 flu vaccines this season, likely without telling students a single one of the risks from these non-vegan “medicines.” Health Services is also attempting to infect other institutions across campus with the pro-vacc frenzy, encouraging sports teams or res-life groups to engage in vaccination.

Think the flu is the hoax? Learn about the conspiracy here.

2. BLIND DATE DINNER QUICKLY TURNS TO ORGY

The third iteration of the Valentine’s Day blind date dinner ended in raucous success. The event, which tried to deemphasize Bowdoin hook-up culture, succumbed to a massive orgy in the Cram Alumni House. Of the 30 pairings at the event, 23 reportedly resulted in 2nd dates, which doubles the amount of Bowdoin students in actual relationships.

Looking for love? Learn more here, or put a love letter in the Orient.

3. LEFTISTS PRETEND THEY NEED TO HIDE IN BASEMENTS

Dudley-Coe basement, supposedly the last bastion of leftism at Bowdoin, houses the socialist thinking club, the “Reading Group.” The group aims the promote leftist thought that the Orient claims “has remained largely absent from Bowdoin’s mainstream discourse.” Maybe Bowdoin is secretly a conservative think tank that only the Orient knows about. The covert group has yet to seek a charter from the SOOC. If leaders plan to keep it that way, they must hope Jenna Scott doesn’t read the Orient.

Are you one of the rare leftists at Bowdoin? Learn about the “Reading Group” here.

4. ROMNEY CAMPAIGN CHAIR TO TAKE REINS AT BOWDOIN

Possibly in fear of the suddenly resurgent leftist ideologies on Bowdoin’s campus, the Board of Trustees elected Robert F. White ‘77 as chair, hopefully, to serve as a check on the “Reading Group.” White served as chair of Romney’s 2008 and 2012 presidential campaigns. Surprisingly, the conservative strategist still supports expanding free payouts (aka financial aid) to everyone who isn’t in approximately the top 5-10% of income brackets and ensuring opportunity for students from all backgrounds.

Want to be the next Chair of the Trustees? Try out here.

5. CURLING TEAM FINISHES REGULAR SEASON “ON TOP” (3RD PLACE)

Math isn’t everyone’s strong suit, but even someone with a cursory understanding of sports and numbers knows on top doesn’t quite mean 3rd place. Nonetheless, our friendly Orient sportswriters would like us to know the curling team in “On Top” (or they could be making a thickly veiled innuendo). Nonetheless, the curling team will enter nationals as Bowdoin’s 2nd most successful and 12th highest funded winter sport.

Want more time “On Top.” Learn to curl here.

Love the Oriental Express? Bring it to your next clandestine reading group!

Compiled by Will Hausmann

Oriental Express: Bowdoin Career Planning Won’t Apply to Jobs for You

FEB. 11, 2019

By Calderon McHuman and the Pied Piper (with Editorial Assistance from the Bowdoin Harpoon)

Here’s your rundown of marginally notable news that you “ABSOLUTELY NEED” to know this week:

1. BOWDOIN CAREER PLANNING WON’T APPLY TO JOBS FOR YOU

After many seniors expressed dissatisfaction with career planning, many said the center wasn’t providing enough support. Students are paying $70,000 a year to go here, but shockingly they still have to search and apply to jobs. Students with interests in the arts and journalism were particularly dissatisfied, but career planning can only do so much to revive dying fields.

Are you still an unemployed bum? Read the full article here.

2. BOWDOIN PROFESSORS SURPRISINGLY LIBERAL

Analysis of FEC data revealed that Bowdoin professors are not the bastion of conservatism we all thought they were. All of the large donations by Bowdoin faculty were earmarked for liberal candidates and groups. Additionally, one Bowdoin trustee donated $1 million to a Democratic PAC, showing even liberals can unite over Citizens United as well. Clayton Rose also made a max donation to “non-partisan Independent” Angus King, after King wouldn’t take payment for speaking at Orientation Dinner.

See which of your professors are closeted liberals here.

3. AVERAGE AGE AT MUSIC AT THE MUSEUM: 77

The Music at the Museum series continued this past week to a raucous crowd of seniors (like actual senior citizens). The event sold out quickly as guests were concerned that all the artistically inclined Bowdoin students would flock to the event. However, the Orient was unable to find any students at the event to comment. All artistically inclined students were reportedly too busy complaining about Dighton Spooner.

Find out if your grandmother was at Music at the Museum here.

4. ICE FISHING: THE BEST BOWDOIN TEAM ON ICE

As the Bowdoin Hockey teams rock a collective 9-31-4 record, Bowdoin’s top athletes may be investing their time in ice fishing. Students spend up to five hours competing in this grueling sport each Sunday during the winter months. The ice fishing team may begin recruiting in the near future.

Did you quit hockey but miss being on a team? Take the leap here.

5. STUDENTS CONSIDER “CHARMING” MAINE POST-GRAD

At the Maine Career Fair, Smith Union echoed with overused cliches about how awesome Maine is during the summer months and what a perspective shift it would be to live and work in this state. It is almost like students would benefit from a whole four years living and going to school in Maine to learn about this quirky and whimsical state.

Wish you had the chance to live and engage with the state of Maine. Learn more here.

Love the Oriental Express? Share it with all your dad’s frat brothers!

Compiled by Will Hausmann