Why I’m Not Hypocritical for Lying

BY: The Head Handmaid for People of Praise Herself, AMY CONEY BARRETT & AINE LAWLOR Sep. 27th. 2020

Everyone keeps saying I am being hypocritical—and by everyone, I mean all those liberals on social media—and I just thought it was time I cleared the record to prove I am not hypocritical, just a self-interested liar. There are two main issues I need to address: my pro-life stance and my desire to fill the supreme court right now. I don’t care about any other issues because if I looked beyond my church-induced fear of abortion into any other pressing political topics (the pandemic, the economy, healthcare, racial equality, the state of our democracy, etc.) then I would be forced to reckon with the blatant fact that Trump sucks, and the only reason I vote is to prevent other women from having reproductive rights. I only do this because my preacher says abortion is a sin, and I never recieved enough education to actually read and interpret the bible on my own (It’s a good thing women don’t need to be literate, especially when you have your own scribe. Don’t look me in the eyes, Marcella, we’ve discussed this.). It’s not like I’ll discover that biblical texts couldn’t give a shit about abortion (or my suppressed attraction to other women for that matter. Marcella, you didn’t hear that.).  

But anyway, back to the point, some people are suggesting that my support for the forced sterilization of women in ICE detention centers contradicts my fierce pro-life stance, which is just not sensible. They fail to acknowledge the key fact that my discriminatory views are precisely that — discriminatory — and that obviously my stances against birth control, abortion, and family planning only apply when I want them to and I don’t want them to right now! I need to reconcile my racist prejudices with my sexist ones and thus no hypocrisy here, just unashamed bigotry (No, you can’t go to the bathroom, Marcella. I don’t care if it’s been 3 days.)

Secondly, and I don’t even know why I have to explain myself here, it is not hypocritical of me to want to confirm a new Supreme Court justice before the election even though I adamantly claimed in 2016 that this exact situation was immoral and undemocratic. And the reason that this is not hypocritical is that, once again, I have different standards for everyone and morals don’t apply to me (Obviously, otherwise I would go to hell for the abortion I had when I was 17 after I seduced Father Whyte with my womanly charm. Oh, don’t give me that look, Marcella, as if your loins could ever entice a man of his stature.). And for the record, I was crossing my fingers (to ward off the devil that is Nancy Pelosi and her demonic curves), so I didn’t actually make any promises.

The most important part of my defense against accusations of hypocrisy is the pure fact that I am consistently and relentlessly acting in my own interests, and I have never done otherwise, which is a form of consistency in and of itself. My words may be hypocritical at times, but my actions are always, always predictable—I have never showed an ounce of altruism, selflessness, or care for people other than my own. Hypocrisy is like socially-liberal, fiscally-conservative people who say and act contradictorily every time they discuss politics. Or like Susan Collins who tries to fool liberals into thinking she has not been whipped by Mitch McConnell and her preacher in the same go (Of course, Susan Collins is a woman of rapturous eroticism. If only she and I could- Marcella! Have you been writing these asides in the article? Fine. But I’ll be checking later. (She can’t read, so I’ll be good – Marcella.)) But that is not me, my words mean nothing, and they never have, Like those Bowdoin guys who have the Healthy Masculinity Club in their bio and then interrupt women in every conversation. My actions speak louder than the biblical verses on my doormat, and my vote for Trump this November will never be about anything other than my steadfast belief that no other women should ever have any rights that are denied to me because my husband is a controlling asshole, and my life revolves around reinforcing the patriarchy. Now if we could all join hands, I’d like to lead us all in a prayer for the souls lost in abortion clinics, and absolutely not for any of the souls lost to “COVID.” Amen.

DIY Lobster Bake!!!

BY PATRICK LYNOTT and ELIZA JEVON

DIY Lobster Bake!!!

Alright, we all know that this year’s Lobster Bake is cancelled due to COVID :(, but that doesn’t mean you can’t have your own socially distant Lobster Bake Celebration!! Just a follow a few easy steps to enjoy your own gourmet and ~safe~ DIY Lobster Extravaganza!

Step 1: Early Bird Gets the Worm!!!

It’s 3 A.M. Your alarm clock is clanging frantically in the corner of your room. You placed it there the night before, drunk, knowing you might never clamber out of bed if the clock was in arm’s reach. You stand and it’s scored by a cacophony of cracking joints. On the way to the bathroom, you don’t pull back a shade and look outside; it’s dark. Always is at 3 A.M.

The shower is cold and perfunctory. You make grinded coffee and fill your thermos with it. The coffee tastes metallic until you cut it with vodka, and when you do, you perk up for the first time all morning. The bitter sting of vodka feels like something, at least. Your pickup truck clambers over potholes on the way to the wharf.

Step 2: Cute Outfits 🙂

You pull on rubberized fishing gear. It’s dank and odorous, only ever washed by salty ocean spray. As you load the empty crates into your boat, trying not to let the ice cold water trickle down your sleeve, you greet your crew with a curt nod and grunt. You’re feeling livelier today because, after all it is Lobster Bake, so you allow a soft smile to your lips. Then you gear up the old rusty motor, cast off the mooring, and chug towards the mouth of the harbor.

Step 3: Work it!!!

Hauling up the first traps is always the hardest. You never expect your back to ache this much, but it does, and you forgot to pack Aleve in the morning commotion. You’ll have to fight the day. You remember tonight’s Lobster Bake and decide to let that fleeting moment of promise hold you back from the bottom of the Atlantic.

Lobster after lobster you dump them into the tank, admiring their smooth shell and fight for life. Not for long though.

The morning drags on. Sunrise comes and goes — a timestamp on the slow march to the great equalizer. Golden hour is but a wistful memory of what was and what remains. After pulling up around 100 pounds of lobster, you head back to the shore.

Step 4: Dig In :p

            Later that evening, you sit down to dinner alone with your thoughts, as usual, in your dimly lit cabin. Crushed beer cans are scattered about the hardwood. You tie a stained white napkin around your neck and set a bowl for your old dog Scout so that he can lick the fatty carcass remains. A new beer to you right, a shining silver bowl in front of you, and two meaty hands ready to snap the lobster rest on the old wooden table. In a few swift cracks, the green excrement drips into the bowl, the juice spills out, and the meat slides on your plate.

Step 5: The Afterglow

You eat and think about your future. You take dozens of selfies for Instagram. You look cute, but a snacc? You’ve never been a snacc. You brainstorm captions. You settle on the lobster emoji, and you think that’s fine. You post and throw your phone across the room; you’re not going to check the likes until tomorrow. You dream of the day you’ll be allowed back on campus as Scout laps up the last of the last of the crustacean dripping off your fingers. 

This is quarantine. This is your life now. You set your alarm for next morning.

BPD Shuts Down College House Zoom Party

By JACQUELINE BOBEN Apr. 4, 2020

On Sunday, March 30th (or was it Saturday? I have lost track of the days and my pants) many College Houses decided to hold their weekly house “meetings”. They had been advertising their gatherings as “open events” to all students, telling them, “No I.D., No Meeting ID”. This did nothing to impede the Brunswick Police Department’s apparently continued commitment to ensure that students respect the law.

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Rose Enforces 5 PM Deadline: Patrols Campus on Horseback, Shoots Remaining Students on Sight

By JACOB BASKES and SAM HALPERT Mar. 18, 2020

Since last Wednesday’s announcement that the College would be closing its campus and transitioning to a virtual learning model among fears of COVID-19 transmission, students have been receiving daily reminders to pack their rooms and depart as soon as possible. “Students who are on campus without permission after 5:00 pm will be subject to disciplinary action,” wrote Dean of Student Affairs Janet Lohmann in her final campus-wide email on Wednesday morning. “Also, I have seen your memes and find them kind of mean but also flattering, therefore I will be permanently adopting the nickname, ‘JLo.’”

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Vans Headed to Polls Create Major Pileup on Maine Street

by JACOB BASKES Mar. 3, 2020

Today is Super Tuesday—the one day during election season in which 14 states head to the polls. In order to encourage campus participation in the Democratic primaries, vans have been leaving campus every thirty seconds to take students to their local polling place. The high number of vans, however, along with the fact that a majority of drivers are from California, have led to a seventeen-van pileup in downtown Brunswick.

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Trump Acquitted of Obstruction of Congress, Bowel Obstruction Unresolved

by Staff Writer Feb. 6, 2020

Republicans celebrated Wednesday evening as President Trump was acquitted of both impeachment charges. However, while Trump was absolved of obstruction of Congress, senior White House staffers informed the Harpoon that Trump’s bowel obstruction remains very much unresolved.

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New NatGeo Study: Mules May be Sterile but Polar Bears Can’t Stop Masturbating

by LIA KORNMEHL

In their January 2020 newsletter, National Geographic’s bi-annual Animal Sexual Activity (ASA) Report detailed that while mules are still sterile, new evidence shows that polar bears masturbate an average of 18 hours a day. The data was recorded from a study of 37 polar bears, or virtually the planet’s entire remaining polar bear population.

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