by BLAINE STEVENS Oct. 30, 2019
This morning, senior Mark P. Ullout was on the receiving end of a miracle in the middle of Thorne Dining Hall—in a turn of events that Ullout called “a gift from Yahweh Himself,” the athlete was able to successfully avoid interacting with the female student he was inside of this past Saturday evening. Thankful to have evaded the consequences of his questionable drunken decisions, Ullout described a scene that he claimed was nearly “a complete and utter fucking nightmare.” The self-described “athletic star,” who received an astounding 17 minutes and 32 seconds of playing time this past season, shocked Harpoon reporters with his descriptions of his traumatizing close call.
Continue reading “Close Call! Jock Narrowly Avoids Eye Contact with Girl He Was Inside of Last Weekend”
by HOLLY LYNE Oct. 29, 2019
Stars: they’re just like us, except when they aren’t. And when it comes to skincare, they’re nothing like us.
Continue reading “Celebrity Skincare Routine is Just Drinking Water and Plastic Surgery”
by DAN RALSTON Oct. 28, 2019
Miles Uplook ‘20 admits that she has never been the ‘cool athlete’ or the ‘crunchy English major’. “I live a quiet life, and honestly until yesterday, nothing remarkable had ever happened to me,” said Uplook. But, on October 27th, Uplook became the first student in recent Bowdoin history to go a day without any Wifi troubles.
Continue reading “Bowdoin Student Goes Entire Day Without Wifi Trouble”
By WILL HAUSMANN Oct. 22, 2019
After Trump’s withdrawal of troops from Northern Syria was decried by high level diplomats, Trump’s own mother, and even Kermit the Frog, the President announced that the troops would be relocated to military bases across the state of Wisconsin. This questionable military policy is allegedly to protect and support our “allies and dear friends, the Cheese Curds.”
Continue reading “Trump Moves Troops to Wisconsin to Protect Cheese Curds”
by JACOB BASKES October 9, 2019
On Wednesday morning, the student-run Bowdoin Entertainment
Board announced new “campus celebrity” playlists to improve its interactions with
the student body. This week’s featured guest is President Clayton Rose, whose
top picks include Travis Scott’s “HIGHEST IN THE ROOM” and Post Malone’s
Continue reading “President Rose’s Spotify Playlist Features Travis Scott, Post Malone”
by HOLLY LYNE October 8, 2019
BREAKING NEWS: From an undisclosed whistleblower in New York City, the Harpoon has been informed 16-year-old climate activist Greta Thunberg was spotted drinking a Frappuccino out of a plastic cup and straw. Thunberg allegedly enjoyed her grande vanilla bean coffee while leaving the UN Climate Summit on September 23, where she reminded Republican politicians that driving cars is a dirty joke, but sailing across the ocean is woke.
Continue reading “Climate Activist Greta Thunberg Spotted Using Plastic Straw”
by HADLEY JEVON Oct. 7, 2019
Many candidates for BSG positions promise cheaper laundry and more Gucci Mane in college house basements. First year Gretta Yump, on the other hand, went above and beyond in her efforts to make Bowdoin a more welcoming environment by advocating for more elevated surfaces for students to dance on.
Continue reading “Student runs for BSG on platform of platforms: More elevated surfaces on which students can dance”
by THEO DANZIG October 4, 2019
JUUL labs was embroiled in controversy this past week, amid claims that its newest pod flavor, Breastmilk, is targeted toward infants. The FDA has sought to ban the breastmilk pods, claiming that their primary consumers are babies. JUUL’s lawyers argue that the breastmilk pods are intended for nicotine users of all ages.
Continue reading “JUUL Denies Breast Milk Pods Targeted at Infants”
by LIA KORNMEHL Oct. 2, 2019
No one was surprised when, after a few moments of grunting, pushing, and eye rolling, Nancy Pelosi announced a formal impeachment inquiry concerning President Donald Trump’s call with the Ukrainian president.
Continue reading “Trump Impeachment Similar to Weekend Hookup: Came Too Fast and Can’t Wait for Things to End”
By JONAS KRISTENSSON Oct. 1, 2019
At the Convocation of the Class of 2023, President Clayton Rose announced a school affiliation that was previously only known to him, the College’s Treasurer, and the bearded lumberjack running the Scientology Center on Lincoln Street.