College House Initiations Painfully Devoid of Cloaks, Blood, Sacrifice

By BROOKE VAHOS Apr. 25, 2018

Last Friday were the long-anticipated initiations for next year’s batch of college house members. These events, which were alleged to be filled with cloaked figures, candles, sacrifices, and pentagrams, lacked any such paraphernalia. It came as a surprise for all the incoming members as rumors of hazing and sacrificial deaths during the events were reported from current house members. Continue reading “College House Initiations Painfully Devoid of Cloaks, Blood, Sacrifice”

BSG Election Recalled After Unnamed Dot Wins Executive Committee Position

By JACOB BASKES Apr. 23, 2018

The Bowdoin Student Government sent out a campus-wide email last night announcing the recall and rescheduling of the Executive Committee elections. Inside sources tell us that the problem involves the election of a blank dot over sole Chair of Student Affairs candidate Ben Painter. Continue reading “BSG Election Recalled After Unnamed Dot Wins Executive Committee Position”

Lonely First-Year Orders Half-a-Dozen Prospective Students on Amazon Prime

By ARJUN MEHTA Apr. 20, 2018

Liz Harper ’21 spent yesterday gearing up for the weekend by ordering a half-dozen ‘prospies’ on Amazon Prime. After the Class of 2022’s Open House, a weekend designed to give admitted students a glimpse into the lives of first-years without revealing too much about the Bowdoin experience Continue reading “Lonely First-Year Orders Half-a-Dozen Prospective Students on Amazon Prime”

Bowdoin Implements 89.4%/D/Fail Policy

By SARA BARONSKY Apr. 18, 2018

Last Monday, the Office of the Registrar announced, to near-universal dismay, that from now on students who choose to take classes Credit/D/Fail must accept an 89.4% for passing work. While students could previously opt to receive a grade of CR for work at a level of C- or above, students who choose the policy for the fall of 2018 will receive an 89.4%, which is the grade representative of the highest possible score that cannot be rounded up to an A-, even if the professor stretches it a little because a student has participated a lot in class, she seems to be demonstrating improvement from her abysmally low midterm grade, or the professor just wants to give that student a little break for once in her life. Continue reading “Bowdoin Implements 89.4%/D/Fail Policy”

Historical Analysis: BSG Election Looks Strikingly Similar to the Dover, Delaware Town Comptroller Election of 1936

By NATHAN ASHANY Apr. 16, 2018

Dover, Delaware. 1936.

Incumbent Town Comptroller Sandford Barndtment announces he is stepping down from his post. Two main competitors emerge for the position. Leroy McGill Jr., the director of town sanitation, challenges Johnston P. Rickenbacker, Associate Superintendent of the Dover East school district, for the top seat. The campaign was more vicious than ever before, with McGill Jr. and Rickenbacker squaring off at a widely advertised and sparsely attended debate, the first of its kind in Dover. Trading jabs on issues such as public ash tray allocation and asbestos distribution, the candidates appeared neck-and-neck before the release of the final results. Continue reading “Historical Analysis: BSG Election Looks Strikingly Similar to the Dover, Delaware Town Comptroller Election of 1936”

Zuckerberg Calls in Plumber to Fix Facebook Data Leak

By NATHAN ASHANY Apr. 11, 2018

Facebook Chairman and CEO Mark Zuckerberg told the Senate Judiciary Committee this week that he was committed to repairing the fundamental problems at the tech giant that led to the access of over 87 million users’ information by Cambridge Analytica. Namely, Zuckerberg plans to fix the issues by bringing in an expert plumber. Continue reading “Zuckerberg Calls in Plumber to Fix Facebook Data Leak”

English Teachers Open Bowling Alley “Hyper-Bole”

By SAM HALPERT Apr. 6, 2018

Last Thursday, a trio of smug English teachers from Brunswick High announced the grand opening of a new bowling alley in Cooks Corner. The literary-sporting venue will be named “Hyper-Bole: The Best Bowling in the World.”

While the trio has yet to step foot inside of an actual bowling alley, some members of the group have nearly died from excitement for the idea. Mrs. Coburn, one of the trio of troublesome teachers, and a graduate of Occidental College, is certain the alley will be a success.

“The “Hyper-Bole” will clearly be an appositive addition to the community and bring similes to the faces of all local bowlers,” she said. “People will be happy, like the population of Omelas.” Continue reading “English Teachers Open Bowling Alley “Hyper-Bole””