“No, I Don’t Want to Hear About Your Spring Break or the Mueller Report”

by JACK ARNHOLZ Mar. 25, 2019

Hey, I’m sure you had a wild spring break hiking the Everglades, getting an individually tailored McGruff the Crime Dog costume, or finally obtaining the currently sealed Special Counsel Report on the Investigation into Russian Interference in the 2016 Presidential Election. But, guess what? I really don’t want to hear it.

Continue reading ““No, I Don’t Want to Hear About Your Spring Break or the Mueller Report””

Right-Leaning Professor Falls Over While Giving Lecture

by ELIZA JEVON Mar. 5, 2019

Students have questioned Professor Edward Wright’s political views for quite some time now. While he claims that he “doesn’t want to share his political views” out of fear that he will “influence” his reportedly “center-Marxist” students, his students suspects otherwise.

At first, students thought Professor Wright’s strange bodily tendency to lean rightwards was some sort of hip impediment. Though it seemed a bit odd, they nonetheless wanted to respect all different types of stances, even if they did not believe in climate change. The students did not want to be rude and point out his right-leaning position, but they were growing a bit concerned.

Professor Wright’s government class has observed and recorded his behavior in a carefully dated catalogue. On January 22, he wore a quarter-zip with an elephant insignia on his left breast. “I’m a Tufts alumnus!” he said a little too emphatically. For two weeks in a row, beginning on January 24, he only used red pen to correct papers, and only gave “A”s to those who earned a 90 or above. On February 2, he stated that he hated giving class handouts. From February 1 to February 8, he even used a mug that said “no taxation without representation.” He claims he also “teaches a class on the American Revolution.”

Then, finally, on February 11, something pushed him over the edge. In almost slow-motion, Professor Wright’s body leaned farther and farther to the right until he just fell right over. Eyewitnesses reported gasps and screams, and described the class rushing over to help him up and ask if he was alright.

“What happened?!” they all cried.

“It’s…it’s…it’s because… I lean right!” Mr. Wright confessed. The students, gleefully cheering and rallying, joined hands–they had successfully outed one of the bourgeois! Down with the patriarchy! The students marched around the campus chanting, “Free the proletariat,” until they all rushed off to their next class with Professor Goldstein.

Doctors anticipate Mr. Wright will soon be released from Midcoast Hospital. He now goes to physical therapy twice a week to correct his body position and attends daily counseling sessions with Bowdoin Republicans. His government class thinks of him often and has been sending him many care packages. They even sent him a donkey to ride to and from class.

To learn how you can best support Professor Wright during this difficult time, please contact the GOP or the welfare division of the Portland municipal government.

ORIENTAL EXPRESS: Crunchy Liberals Pretend It’s Not Winter

MAR. 4, 2019

By Calderon McHuman and the Pied Piper (with Editorial Assistance from the Bowdoin Harpoon)

Here’s your rundown of marginally notable news that you “ABSOLUTELY NEED” to know this week:


The recently revamped Bowdoin Climate Action (BCA) is undergoing significant change, but some things will always stay the same: they are still trying to convince politicians that winter doesn’t exist. A week ago protesters organized outside Senator Susan Collins office, oddly enough wearing winter jackets and standing next to snow banks that this mysterious “global warming” should have eliminated the need for. The group protesting also shared personal stories with Senator Collins, but failed to recognize that she doesn’t have feelings.

Learn how you can fight the climate hoax perpetrated by China here.


Sweat, aka How Trump Got Elected, was put on this weekend to explore those mysterious people who don’t live 25 miles from a coast. Hopefully, this play will provide for lots of boring and drawn out opining by all our friendly government majors this week. However, the play may be inaccessible to Bowdoin students because it covers topics such as working in a factory, living in poverty, and just working in general.

If you missed Sweat, at least you can pretend you saw it by reading here.


The music department is seeking to have greater sway in the admissions process, as it looks to have increased programming in the coming years. Bowdoin music has the potential to be renowned by grandmothers across Southern Maine, but it will need some help from admissions officers. However, if spots are being given to athletes, children of wealthy alumni, winners of national competitions, and now talented musicians, one is left to wonder whether there is much room for mediocre and unexciting students such as this column’s author.

Want to get into Bowdoin? Find out if your kazoo skills will help here.


After Gulf of Maine Books celebrated its 40th anniversary this past week, the resident artsy trendsters of Bowdoin celebrated their “favorite” spot. Gulf of Maine Books has been a top spot for Bowdoin students whether they want to snap a “whimsical” Insta story or make all their Snapchat buddies think they actually read books. Despite the frequent visits of camera-laden students, the owner’s of the shop reported selling only 3 books, so far, to Bowdoin students this academic year.

Want people to think you’re smart? Get the inside scoop on Gulf of Maine books here.


As spring sports struggle for space and time in Farley, there seem to be two options left to save Bowdoin Athletics. They may schedule practices between 8:30 and 4:30 to allow for more practice time and to give a mildly legitimate reason for athletes to skip class. Athletics is also exploring the option of gutting half the financial aid budget to build a 100,000 sq ft dome in the middle of the quad for all season athletics. In response to the proposal, Bowdoin Football Instagram has begun using #buildthedome on their posts.

Understand the #buildthedome movement here.

POLL QUESTION: Should Bowdoin #buildthedome? Please respond here.

Last Week’s Poll: Would your middle school basketball team beat Tufts?

  • Most definitely: 53%
  • No, my middle school only had a squash, fencing and dressage team: 47%

Love the Oriental Express? Share it with the Oddest Duck you know!

Compiled by Will Hausmann

J-Board to Punish Students by Making Them Sit on J-Board

by THEO DANZIG Mar. 3, 2019

In a school-wide email, the Judicial Board announced that for the foreseeable future, it would reject recommendations for student suspensions and probations, and instead only require that students sit on the Judicial Board for the following year. This decision was made after the Judicial Board failed to receive a sufficient number of applications for the 2019-2020 school year.

Continue reading “J-Board to Punish Students by Making Them Sit on J-Board”

A More Realistic Cold War Party

By THEO DANZIG Mar. 1, 2019

The annual Mac-Quinby Cold War party is one of Bowdoin’s oldest and most esteemed traditions. Since the Yalta Conference in February of 1945, Bowdoin students have gathered every February to celebrate the long struggle between the world’s two superpowers.

However, we at the Harpoon believe the party can go beyond just dressing up in red tank tops and American flag bandanas. There are several improvements that ought to be made to give the Cold War party a more realistic Cold War flavor.

First, there should be random “Duck and Cover” drills throughout the duration of the party. Nothing says Cold War like instilling fear of imminent nuclear annihilation—who said intercontinental ballistic missiles can’t be fun?

Also, to really experience the Cold War, anyone who complains during the party should be forced to do hard labor out in the snow in a simulated Gulag. And to all the humanitarian naysayers, the Gulags couldn’t have been that bad—after all, the experience was so enjoyable that nobody ever left!

Finally, the alcohol drank should reflect Cold War values. As it represents the USSR, Mac should only serve Stoli, and being the USA, Quinby should only put out that greatest of American beverages: Natural Light. Only then will the spirits of the Cold War truly be imbibed by Bowdoin students.

Getting Water in Thorne Like Watching Old Man Dribble on Seat

by DAN RALSTON Feb. 26, 2019

Students eating in Thorne Hall have been facing extremely low water flow rates at all soda fountains and dispensers in recent weeks. First-year lacrosse player John Bile truly struggled to fill his seventh cup this past Tuesday. “I’ve been here for like 2 hours bro, I don’t know what’s going on, but I’m seriously pretty peeved. I’ve got the team bro, they’re all waiting on me,” bemoaned Bile.

As lines have grown increasingly long, the Harpoon has noticed an increase in reports of awkward eye contact with other thirsty students waiting to hydrate. Fortunately for the rest of the Bowdoin community, the hockey team and football team have been eating in Moulton Union’s Dark Room.

Guy Spoof, the dining representative to the Bowdoin Student Government (BSG), told the Harpoon that Facilities Management has been alerted to Thorne’s dribbling water dispensers. When pressed further, Mr. Spoof noted that he liked the dribbling. “The lackluster water flow reminds me of my grandpa dribbling on the seat back when we used to have sleepovers. I think it’s experiences like these that are unique to Bowdoin!”

ORIENTAL EXPRESS: Should Bowdoin Hockey Follow the JV Soccer Model?

FEB 25, 2019

By Calderon McHuman and the Pied Piper (with Editorial Assistance from the Bowdoin Harpoon)

Here’s your rundown of marginally notable news that you “ABSOLUTELY NEED” to know this week:


After a devastating loss to Tufts on Sunday afternoon, Bowdoin women’s basketball possibly won’t advance to the NCAA tournament next week. Tufts, the conference champions, gains an automatic bid to the tournament. Meanwhile, #1 ranked Bowdoin now must anxiously await the decision of the selection committee gods, who are rumored to respond to sacrificial polar bears. Riots and protests are expected to ensue in retirement homes across Cumberland County in response to the loss.

Have a polar bear to sacrifice to the selection committee? Learn how you can help the U-Bears here.

2. CAREER PLANNING REFOCUSES ON PRACTICAL SKILLS, INTERNSHIPS (…. because they weren’t doing that already?)

After coming under fire in recent weeks, Career Planning has devised a radical shift in their goals. They will now focus on helping students prepare to enter the workforce post-graduation. This replaces their previous focus of cultivating the next generation of Wizards and Witches. Counselors will no longer work on teaching spells, correcting broomstick form, and reviewing potions. Todd Hermann and Dighton Spooner will be leaving the CPC during this transition period, and their replacements are expected to shape the new direction of Career Planning.

If you’re not a outgoing senior, learn about the changes to career planning here.


After a disappointing season where both the Men’s and Women’s football teams failed to make the NESCAC tournament, one is left to wonder if the teams should follow the model of Bowdoin’s highly successful JV soccer team. After an undefeated season last fall, JV soccer may have been the best Bowdoin sports team this year, playing various club and high school teams. The hockey teams would have plenty of success playing against the local high school team’s that already use Watson Arena for their own practices. Additionally, 25-year-olds on the Bowdoin could test their skills against the high school freshman who bags their handles at Hannaford’s.

Learn about the future of Bowdoin Hockey here.


The Bowdoin Student Government, the paragon of progress at Bowdoin, took huge steps this week to ensure equal access to resources at Bowdoin, regardless of where you come from or how old you are. Students from all residence halls will now get condoms provided by Res-Life and the BSG. In addition to distributing condoms, RAs will also begin discussing “The Birds and the Bees” with students in upperclass dorms.

Excited to make condom balloons? Learn when they’re coming here.


The recently opened Odd Duck restaurant in downtown Brunswick now offers students a more upscale place to spend their parent’s money. Additionally, all the Moulton Lightroom people will have two options when they want to eat somewhere that doesn’t look like an elementary school cafeteria; the can choose between splurging on Thorne or Odd Duck. However, Odd Duck may be unrivaled because of its “event space.” One can only wonder if Odd Duck can match the “event spaces” of Baxter, Quinby or Reed.

Is your Mom and Dad’s credit card burning a hole in your pocket? Learn about all of their money you can spend at Odd Duck here.

POLL QUESTION: Would your middle school basketball team beat Tufts? Please respond here.

Love the Oriental Express? Share it with the Oddest Duck you know!

Compiled by Will Hausmann

North Korea Disappointed It Still Isn’t “Least Free Country on Earth”

by THEO DANZIG Feb. 22, 2019

In a press release last Thursday, the government of North Korea complained that the isolated nation is only ranked the sixth-least free nation in the world. In Freedom House’s annual Freedom in the World 2019 report, North Korea was edged out by bastions of despotism, including Syria and South Sudan.

Continue reading “North Korea Disappointed It Still Isn’t “Least Free Country on Earth””