By JACK ARNHOLZ April 17, 2016
Local man Caleb Washington is celebrating his two-week anniversary of finding his true love in a ditch.
“It was incredible,” said Mr. Washington, describing the moment he fell in love with the cadaver. “I pulled over on the interstate outside of Sheboygan to take a leak, and I fell over and saw Monica. So pale. So stiff. So beautiful. She reminded me of my mother.” The ditch, located twenty feet away from the highway, is just over six inches deep. “I yelled, ‘Monica, what are you doing here? I thought you were in Tallahassee,’ but she just laughed. Well, she didn’t laugh exactly. Rain water just spewed out of her mouth.”
Police, who have identified the cadaver as Courtney Mott, suspect she had remained in the shallow ditch, unnoticed, for months. Mr. Washington chuckled when he heard the police report. “They say she’s been there since October, which is just like Monica. She always does crazy things like that. Like two days ago, when we were having a staring contest, a maggot crawled out of her eyeball. Gosh, Monica is just so silly.”
Mr. Washington plans on marrying Courtney Mott’s cadaver in early summer. “Monica’s always wanted a June wedding,” he said. The nuptial plans have been put on hold for the moment, however, as Sheboygan police have taken Mr. Washington in for further questioning.