By HUGO HENTOFF April 17, 2016

Ted Cruz, in an attempt to reach younger voters, has accepted Nickelodeon’s offer to host the 2016 Kids’ Choice Awards.

“When you think of slime, two things immediately come to mind: The Kids’ Choice Awards and Ted Cruz,” said President of Nickelodeon Cyma Zarghami. “We are so excited that we finally have the opportunity to bring this natural pair together.”

Mr. Cruz hopes this awards show will give him a chance to convince younger voters that he is not, as has been posited, the human embodiment of a moist cringe. “We are hoping that Cruz’s natural sheen of slime won’t be as noticeable after he’s been doused with the Nickelodeon slime,” said Mr. Cruz’s campaign manger, Jeff Roe. “This is a very exciting time for our candidate.”

In addition to reaching more voters, Mr. Cruz stated he also hopes to absorb the primordial power of the Nickelodeon slime from whence he emerged.