By HUGO HENTOFF April 25, 2016

After The Bowdoin Orient published an article entitled, “Sports at Bowdoin Perpetuate a Culture of Division,” straight white male athletes rejoiced as they finally got the opportunity to be offended by something.

“I’ve never been able to be part of a marginalized group before, it’s very exciting,” said Keith, a lacrosse player from Connecticut. “I’ve always been jealous of minority groups for getting to be offended by stuff, so this is pretty great.”

Many of the straight white male athletes hurt by the orient article have attempted to create safe spaces, but their lack of experience in constructing healing environments has made this endeavor difficult. “We tried to make a space where other straight white male athletes could openly talk about their problems,” said Kyle, a hockey player from Connecticut, “but, in trying to create an atmosphere where we felt comfortable, we kept accidentally opening Vineyard Vines franchises.”

Because the controversy surrounding the Orient article has died down recently, straight white male athletes are currently hoping for new opportunities to be offended. “I’m really praying for a few anti-Caucasian hate crimes,” said Kevin, a crew rower from Connecticut, “but I don’t want to get ahead of myself.”