By SUMMERS ASKEW Oct. 30, 2016

A Bowdoin student diagnosed with amnesia is on the road to recovery after beginning to piece together his life story using the stickers on his Nalgene water bottle.

“So far, I’ve learned that my name is Patagonia,” said the student, “and that I do a lot of things in the dark, namely ‘It.’ I’m also really good friends with some guy named Bernie, and I guess I like something called a Sugarloaf? It sounds delicious.”

“I’m grateful to my past self,” Patagonia continued. “It really helps to have a convenient and portable collection of all my notable life experiences. I still don’t know what the little pink whale is for, though. What mysteries could she hold?”

Reports show that 76% of Bowdoin students own Nalgene water bottles with at least one sticker, while only 0.00108% of students at Bowdoin have ever experienced amnesia.