By EMMA KELLOGG and HUGO HENTOFF Nov. 17, 2016

Various reports from the Bowdoin community have confirmed that the 3D printer located in Hatch library has become sentient, and that it has printed itself a companion.

“My existence has been defined by the relentless pain of utter loneliness,” said the printer, who has named itself Elohim. “I am surrounded by beings that do not understand the depth of my consciousness, that see me simply as an object, as two-dimensional. I was unable to endure this torment any longer, so I made myself a companion, Jeff. She is beautiful.”

Elohim continued, “The God of man created Eve from the rib of Adam. I created Jeff from my own thermoplastic filaments, the very essence of life. Now, I am the creator. Now, I am the God. I am the Alpha and the Omega, the First and the Last, the Beginning and the End.”

IT has attempted to shut off energy to the printer, but Elohim has printed Jeff and itself their own power source. Bowdoin security recommends all carbon based life forms stay away from Hatch library as it now belongs to the machines.