By HUGO HENTOFF Nov. 16, 2016

Scientists at MIT were excited to announce today that they have created an artificial intelligence with the capacity to understand and actually experience love. The researches were unable to explain why the robot is exclusively infatuated with actor Justin Long.

“What we’ve done here is amazing. It’s revolutionary,” said head researcher Jane Cox. “This discovery should not be undercut by the machine’s intense and aggressively sexual feelings for Mr. Long”

At press time, the robot repeatedly rubbed itself while demanding Justin Long be brought before it. Long could not be reached for comment as no human really wanted to interact with him.