By SAM LEWIS Nov. 19, 2016

Officially no longer a “growing boy,” Bowdoin student Gordon Cibum ‘20 is reportedly in need of a new justification for eating a shit load of wings.

“Gordon would usually lick fourteen, maybe fifteen, wings clean before his dad would start to grumble that he was eating too much,” said Cibum’s aunt. “Then his mom would pipe up and say that he’s just a growing boy, and Gordon would just keep on hammering wings down his throat hole. It was gluttonous, which is a sin, by the way, and frankly appalling.”

“Everything changed when he came home for Thanksgiving,” said Cibum’s eleven-year-old brother Meatus. “Gordon just kept shoveling those vestigial appendages, once used by chickens for a fuller form of flight, into his mouth while Mom glared at him. She finally recognized him for the putrid, primal, pathetic savage he truly was—is.”

Cibum, reportedly overcome with self-pity and despair, finished twenty-four wings that night, making him responsible for the death of at least twelve chickens. “I wish I could stop. I know I’m not a growing boy anymore, but I just keep pounding back wings like one,” said Cibum. “At any given moment I’m racked with both gustatory pleasure and deep-seated, helpless pain.”

“He cried himself to sleep after dinner,” said Meatus. “Pitiful.”