By HUGO HENTOFF Dec. 7, 2016

A recent study conducted at the University of Wisconsin found that on any given day an average of 23% of Americans are hovering their hand over a lit stove just to feel something.

Head researcher Martha Long commented, “Some people just keep their hand over the fire for a few seconds, some leave it there for up to four minutes. Heat blisters aside, I’m happy that Americans are still finding new and inventive ways to prove to themselves they still possess the capability to feel.”

“I walk through the world dead inside,” said 9-year-old Toby Chestnut, “but when I stick my hand over the flames, I feel pain. It’s better than nothing.”

The researches also found that an average of up to 6% of Americans drink scotch while wearing their aunt’s bra just to see if they experience any sensation at all.