By PAUL GARLICK Dec. 6, 2016

After a week of unusual weather, the number of Brunswick residents experiencing blackouts has increased to nearly 87%.

When asked why so many people have taken to drinking to get through these power outages, one of the inebriated patrons, Jan Locust, said, “I gotta grap and frob or Walmart cause the bear needs me.” Another resident, seven-year-old Dan Long, was asked the same question multiple times but would not get up from his position, face first in his own vomit, to comment.

The Brunswick Police Department has released a statement that they are doing their best to quickly and efficiently restore power and sobriety to Brunswick but have no timetable because they too are experiencing uncommonly high rates of blackouts.