By JACOB BASKES Dec. 15, 2016
You can’t have Christmas without Dad! He’s the one who will undoubtedly say that he’s glad everyone made it into town despite the cold weather, and then probably joke about burning dinner, only then to go and actually burn dinner. Need a little more help picking out Dad? He’s the one who’s your dad.
2. Grandma’s Friend Martha
After 4 years of Grandma’s friend Alice coming to Christmas dinner, you think you’d be sure of her name by now. But even though Bernice was at your 13th birthday, you still aren’t sure that her name is Eliza. Just make sure to avoid saying Roberta’s name, and you’ll be set.
Now this guy is a classi… wait — what? Anyone know who this guy is? He’s probably a friend of Mom’s, but no one’s really sure. Let’s not worry about him.
4. Cousin Kayla
Remember Kayla? She was your first kiss at Christmas in 2004. You haven’t seen her since last year, and she looks kind of different now. Is that a tattoo behind her ear? Shit, that’s pretty weird. It is your dad’s side of the family, after all.
Anyone? We still have no clue who this guy is. I asked Mom and Grandma’s friend Karen and neither of them has ever seen the dude. If you find out, either tell Dad or call the cops, please.
Okay, what the literal fuck? He’s in the kitchen licking all of the raw meat. Jesus. Someone better figure this out quick or we’re all done for.