By JACOB BASKES Feb. 7, 2017
Just hours before the vote to confirm Betsy DeVos as Secretary of Education on Tuesday, the Senate was evacuated after a grizzly bear tore through the Capitol Building.
Nobody seems to be sure the origin of the rogue bear, but the timing of the incident has led many to speculate that the salmon-eating animal was very up to date on his politics, and most likely aligned himself with the Democratic Party. Additionally, Senator Catherine Cortez Masto (D-NV) noted, “it seemed to go right for Mitch [McConnell]. It politely asked the guards if it could pose a question to the floor, and after sauntering past 14 rows of senators, jumped straight up to the podium as he was speaking.”
But McConnell was left unscathed — instead of attacking his body, the massive creature stood on its hind legs and attacked the senator’s stance on pressing political issues. “I’m ashamed to call you my senate majority leader,” said the bear. “Your lack of integrity in addressing the failures of this nascent political regime does nothing for the American people, only for yourself.”
In response to the whole incident, DeVos had this to say: “While I have always vouched for guns in public buildings to defend from this exact kind of violence, seeing this attack may have changed my position. After witnessing the ferocity of that bear as it went straight for Senator McConnell, I think the only logical defense against a grizzly is, well, more grizzlies.”