By HUGO HENTOFF Feb. 8, 2017

Local man Christopher Johnston was rushed to the intensive care unit at Mid Coast Hospital last night after suffering a severe heart attack. Members of his family are nervously pacing outside his room while waiting for updates on his condition, but are finding comfort in the fact that they are at least getting their steps in.

“I’m so worried about Chris that I just can’t sit still,” said Johnston’s wife, Judy. “On the plus side though, I’ve already passed my 10,000-step fitbit goal. My calves are going to look amazing, which is my only solace in this distressing time.”

Stephen, Johnston’s son, wishes he had spent more time with his father before the heart attack. “I should have tried to bond more with dad,” he said while jogging in place. “We could have gone on walks around the neighborhood and really gotten to know each other. I just hope the stairway to heaven has at least 10,000 steps.”

Doctors say that Johnston likely won’t live through the night, dying just 300 steps short of 10,000.